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Like you, I was afraid to get him angry. I was afraid to disrupt his work. I was putting him and his needs before mine. It took me many many months to get my head put on straight. Why can't the grandparents drive to you? Can you ask them to do this for you? Wouldn't that solve the problem?
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I don't know. I guess I just don't like it. Of course I don't like any of this. To visit his family is a full day's drive. 3 days is just not enough time to be worth the trip, because of how hard it is on the kids. The 8 days is what we typically try for. That's the reason I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do here - I don't have a really firm grasp on what I want. Well, want isn't the right word. What I can handle. Right now, if I told him it's just too hard on me for them to be gone that long, I think he would accommodate me. I think he's trying to make me be ok so he won't feel as guilty. I anticipate this changing a lot as soon as he finds out he's under investigation at work. How about putting this decision to the side for now? You are just going into Plan B and you don't have to decide right now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Like you, I was afraid to get him angry. I was afraid to disrupt his work. I was putting him and his needs before mine. It took me many many months to get my head put on straight. Why can't the grandparents drive to you? Can you ask them to do this for you? Wouldn't that solve the problem? Oh man, that is a question for the ages. We'll just say they don't do it. It's tricky to separate out how to keep taking care of the kids while I stop taking care of him when the two intersect sometimes. Yes, MelodyLane, I will quit thinking about it. He hasn't even asked my IM yet.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I did it. Lodged a formal complaint. Spoke with the Commander of the precinct. Handed over his phone records.
Then I got my phone off his account, and blocked his calls through the Verizon website. If he tries to call, he'll get a Verizon message letting him know his number is restricted, and texts just don't come to me. I'll never even know he tried to call or text.
I'm completely emotionally drained.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I did it. Lodged a formal complaint. Spoke with the Commander of the precinct. Handed over his phone records.
Then I got my phone off his account, and blocked his calls through the Verizon website. If he tries to call, he'll get a Verizon message letting him know his number is restricted, and texts just don't come to me. I'll never even know he tried to call or text.
I'm completely emotionally drained. hugs to you friend.  You did the right thing for your marriage. You gave him every opportunity to end his affair. Just hang tight. And have your sister contact me, please. I will be happy to help her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, I forwarded your email to her. You should be hearing from her soon.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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They did tell me that they didn't think he had done anything that would result in termination, so that was good news for me and the kids financially. They also said that since he is on a different shift from her now and is no longer supervising her they have no professional issue with what he is doing on his own time.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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They did tell me that they didn't think he had done anything that would result in termination, so that was good news for me and the kids financially. They also said that since he is on a different shift from her now and is no longer supervising her they have no professional issue with what he is doing on his own time. WEll, that is good in one sense and bad in another because he will still have to find another job if you are to ever have any hope of saving your marriage. That job will kill your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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And so it begins. He just sent a message through my sister that he's not able to pick my son up from scouts tonight. He is supposed to be doing that and driving him home to me so I don't have to take the little kids out at bedtime to pick him up. And because he always has done it.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Then he needs to make other arrangements.
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Then he needs to make other arrangements. Oh, I didn't think of that. I sent a message back that I would pick him up. Edited to add: sent the message through my sister.
Last edited by jkwpurple; 12/01/14 07:12 PM.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Message from my im: N says his shifts at work are changing, so he won't be able to have the kids as scheduled this week. He'll let me know when he knows more.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Then he needs to make other arrangements. Oh, I didn't think of that. I sent a message back that I would pick him up. Edited to add: sent the message through my sister. jk, just plan on picking him up from now on. There are going to be many times he won't come through so you just need to accept that. Sorry.  Be sure and document every thing. Start a blog and record every event such as this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jk, just plan on picking him up from now on. There are going to be many times he won't come through so you just need to accept that. Sorry. Be sure and document every thing. Start a blog and record every event such as this. That's kinda what I thought when I got the message. Start a blog?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Right, you want to document everything. It will come in very handy some day!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Like a public, online blog?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Like a public, online blog? oh no! Just your personal, private blog.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Like a public, online blog? Here you go. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I didn't know you could do that. Does that have a benefit over keeping notes on paper? Because it tracks when you add to it?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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