It sounds like you did a great job. Thank you for posting your conversation with her. I have been hit with a few similar questions and haven't answered them half as good as you did.

Well done sir.

Yes, well done. Patience is hard when waiting for the fog to lift, sounds like you're doing great.

@face1 and @pm18 - your responses actually made me tear a little.

I think at this time - should I give her a day or so before contact - even for the kids. She always cmplained that I was 'up her butt", and did not give her space. And even this trip she said she just needs to "be happy for now" (stupid fog). So I think i just need to give her a few days to contact me, and not vice versa.

Another question, do their love bank deposits begin to go down with my increase of deposits also , or is this just between them that they go down? Better wording for the sake of words: can I "win her over" him by making these steady deposits?

Their love bank accounts are theirs. You can put pressure on them and their relationship by exposure, and continued exposure of your pain in her actions. The rest is, unfortunately, time and up to them. As long as she sees you as caring and having changed, if your patient enough, there is a very good chance, the affair will die, the fog will lift, and she will come back to you.

Keep making those positive changes in yourself, take any opportunity through action to prove those changes, and never do any love busters.. That's your plan and you should have hope.

Love busters is being read at this very moment, some pages over and over to drill it deep. That sentence, As long as she sees you as caring and having changed, if your patient enough, there is a very good chance, the affair will die, the fog will lift, and she will come back to you." Happy tears, first in awhile.

On another note, during the trip her mother said I could not stay in her apartment and I could only "see" her for 5 min. When I saw her, I broke and told her I loved her and I am sorry I did not get to know her better. I also apologized for our situation and saddened by the fact that I did not make her proud. She then looked at me with a single tear and said "I forgive you". I bawled of course.

Once I left the room my wife showed Very little remorse for my pain at that moment - as expected. we talked a bit and I told her what her mother said to me. She went back in with her mom and after a bit she came out and said I could stay in the apartment. My wife was about to tell her mom that she would not stay in the apartment either if I couldn't. She was going to defend me, but as my wife explained her mother said I could stay there before my wife said anything.

On the ride home, my wife said something that made me have to pull over and cry a bit. she put her hand on my back and asked that I was ok and showed a genuine care for my feelings. That is how I knew my "deposits" were happening. I think for a bit she remembered why she waited for me to "grow up" for a short time during that ride home.

Aside from not being able to directly say I love you and hold her hand, it was probably one of the best situations we have been in together without any conflict. And thank God since her mother was doing better and recovering nicely, the emotions were not in a depressive state.

Question. How do I decide when to plan B?

And also during plan A, do I ever send "sweet" texts or anything. It read in a way that said show her the man I am and be a loving husband. How much and how often?

Just as a drunk is not sober until the alcohol is out of his system, so a wayward's fog will not lift until the affair has died.

You shouldn't need to worry about Plan B at this point, unless you are under too much stress.
Yes, in Plan A you could send texts or other notes. The goal is to make Love Bank deposits. Most waywards are hostile towards such actions though.

She is not hostile, but I will say that during the 3 days, when I would make her feel something, she would say things like "I hate you", or you are a jerk. But I understood that it was a why now sort of comment. She even said when she has her moments she gets mad at me, not a hostile mad, but a hurt mad.

I can hold off on plan B for awhile I think. It does hurt more than words can describe, but I can hold all that while with her.

SO would you say that a text like "Good morning or Good night Beautiul" is ok? get rid of the beautiful, should I call her wife? I can say "I hope you had a good day today" I have always called her Honey, Never by her first name - not in 12.5 years. I presumed to use her first name by Plan B.

I know I cannot say "I love you", and anything too deep, can you list some phrases or similar that I can say.

Sir, here are is a Plan A thread to read. It will give you suggestions and guidance on how to Plan A

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

I printed some good things to know from that thread. I am finding very little about what I can do best with Plan A while not living in the home.

Texts/calls (though she might find this intrusive), emails, gifts sent to her residence or delivered by a mutual friend, handwritten letters.

It's really hard to know what to say/do at first, but it does get better as you go. Once you get past feeling angry or hopeless.

Everything should be completely non-threatening emotionally. No questions/demands. No relationship talk. No love busters or comments on the affair.

All of the stuff you posted as having said to her when you saw her recently is the right kind of stuff. You've got the right idea.

@axslinger85 Thank you. that's what I needed, "non-threatening emotionally. No questions/demands. No relationship talk. No love busters or comments on the affair." It is almost as if I m continuing as if everything is normal - to a point. *edit - ok not normal, what I should have been sans the stuff above.

Thank you for your advice.

Not sure about "normal", because it's not. Be genuine about your situation, but hopeful and affectionate. And don't get hung up on feeling rejected and distant, she's still your wife. That last one took me a while to get past.

Just don't put anything in there that would make your communications to her anything but a safe place for her curiosity. She needs to be able to feel completely safe receiving whatever you send to her.

So this morning she asked me where to pay the vehicle property tax for Virginia. Without over thinking it - this is a HUGE development. She has not asked me a question that she is more than capable of doing on her own pretty much since this started. - the address is on the paper that she must have had in front of her with the amount and due date.

I call her honey all the time, and during the trip she didnt mind, but when I texted it "You are welcome honey - she asked me to stop being wierd and calling her honey and stuff. - I imagine I am laying too thick. So I replied: "You are my wife and have been my honey for 12.5 years, but to respect your wish and that I hear you I will refrain from texting those things."

This allows me to still say so in person without "lying" or losing consistency.

One tiny step in the trail.

Plan A says not to enable them to be together. If she makes plans to go out for example, do not agree to watch the kids. But what if I make plans with the kids that enables a meeting possible. I want to take the children to church tomorrow, and she has been asking me for the past few days what time - in what feels like an impatient way. I could be over thinking, but it sounds like she was making a plan. Should I be careful to not enable these moments?

What is your custody arrangements?

There is nothing in place via court. She has the kids.

Personally, I would do everything possible to spend time with the kids.
The argument could be made that you enable the affair by providing free babysitting but the flip side is that refusing to watch the kids will only further separate them from you.

I can't give you definitive guidance on this. Hopefully other more experienced posters can tell who what Dr. Harley would recommend in this case.

When you say distant, are you referring to the lack of acceptance, appreciation, and reciprocation? Can you elaborate on the way to accept and deal with this.