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#2832319 12/06/14 08:24 PM
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Hi everyone,

I thank you in advance for hearing me out on this...so, we are about 4 months out from dday, it's been chaotic to say the least. My husband had an EA that turned to a PA in the form of a few make out sessions and suggestive text messages. There was also a private email account that I learned of. I think I believe that it went no further based on our communication, but for this moment, that is beside the point. We both agreed to try. We each see an IC and or MC. I switched to a new IC lately and have been very happy so far. I DO NOT like his IC at all and he's agreed without persuasion to try meeting with my new IC.

So, tonight is his holiday party (by the way, she's a co-worker-he's actively looking for a new position, but given the level, we anticipate it will take a while). I am not good with being overly open with my needs, etc. (I won't tell him until after the fact that it bothered me that he would go somewhere, etc. even if he asked me in advance). This time, I was very open and direct that I needed him to put me and our marriage before his career (an ongoing problem and source of our disconnect). I did not like the idea of him attending without me - the signal that that sent to her that he would go without me (and I refused to go, I don't need to put up with more stress). I didn't feel comfortable in general. I didn't like that it was a non-mandatory, social function where people would be happily chatting away in groups, as opposed to a work setting. It goes on, as I am sure you can imagine.

He felt compelled, as their boss, to go. He feels his leadership role to all of them required his attendance. we severely disagreed on this and he went. No offers of compromise (going for an hour, saying you're sorry you can stay but have family obligations, etc.). Nothing. He promised not to have any drinks, to steer clear of her and to stay in contact. That does not solve any of my issues.

I am so angry, so hurt that he put his career and employees above my discomfort and pain. i have been committed, but this is really killing me and i don't know where to go from here. I gave him the cold shoulder all day, and anticipate feeling the same way tomorrow. But I don't know how to move forward from here, how to interact, etc. He won, he got his way, with no compromise. An issue is when I back down too much, he loses all faith in his ability to regain my trust/love, etc. But right now, I can't help but back down. I just can't give in to this and imply that how he handled it was ok. My imminent backing down may well cause a total breakdown of us though.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thoughts?

Thank you in advance....

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The first, most basic step to recovering from a marriage from an affair is that there must be no further contact between the affair partners, ever again. You guys are 4 months out from D-day and he's still in regular contact with her at work? This means that your recovery is still at Day One. Every blessed cent you've spent on counselors in the last 4 months has been wasted.

Any counselor who OK'd his going to this event where he'll see his affair partner should be fired by you on the spot. You can spend all your money on counselors until they've all got second yachts, and none of it will do a bit of good as long as he & the other woman continue to have contact. He won't be able to stop feeling triggered, which will keep him in the throes of addiction; and you won't ever be able to feel emotionally safe. (As you are experiencing.) Him working with her is like an alcoholic trying to recover from alcoholism, while working as a bartender. It is absolutely that self-defeating.

He needs to never see her again. He needs to take a leave of absence until he gets the new job.

Until you & your husband understand the fact that affairs are actually akin to addictions in their brain-chemistry impact, you'll get nowhere, because you & he won't be serious enough about no-contact. Without no-contact, you'll never have a better marriage. At your stage right now, everything else you do will be just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, while water continues to pour into the gaping hole below decks and your marriage continues to sink.

I can tell your husband isn't serious, because he still won't put you first, still won't protect you, still insists on spending the evening in the company of his affair partner, and expects you to just suck it up.

I was that kind of POS during my affair, I'm sorry to say. Although I wasn't a complete a-hole (in the limited sense that I had lucid periods where I couldn't stand how wrong it was, and I even resolved to break it off), my Achilles heel was that I continued to be in regular contact with the affair partner, and so the affair resumed & continued. My marriage couldn't start recovering until no-contact was in place.

Either your husband isn't serious & wants to sit on the fence and have his cake & eat it too; or he's 100% clueless about how to save a marriage after an affair. Either way, the outcome for your marriage will be its slow or rapid death, unless he gets a clue & gets serious.

As for you, I suggest you get the book "Surviving An Affair," which may well have saved my marriage after my affair (and I don't get a cent for saying so.) If your husband is the least bit serious, he'll read it with you, every single page & chapter, and will calmly discuss it with you as you go along in the book.

I don't post here much anymore. I only hang out around to get in a word to the rare wayward husband who's serious about wanting to try to fix things. (Don't show your husband this site yet. He ain't ready for it. 'Cuz he isn't serious.)

Is the other woman married?

Finally, can you please explain the following comment? I'm not clear what you were trying to express when you said this:
Quote
An issue is when I back down too much, he loses all faith in his ability to regain my trust/love, etc.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by Whatworld
I am so angry, so hurt that he put his career and employees above my discomfort and pain. i have been committed, but this is really killing me and i don't know where to go from here.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thoughts?

Thank you in advance....

Hi Whatworld, welcome to Marriage Builders. We can tell you how to handle this, but it won't be easy and you are going to have to draw on every ounce of courage you have. It is the only way you can save your marriage. As it is now, you are headed to divorce because your husband is in an ACTIVE affair. Yes, the affair has not ended.

Your marriage will never survive as long as he works with the OW so he will have to leave that job. Dr Harley recommends giving the wayward spouse [WS] 30 days to gracefully leave the job. If he is not gone in 30 days, you should expose the affair at work. This grace period is only given if he a) agrees to leave in 30 days and b) gives his notice immediately. Otherwise you should expose it now.

In the meantime, his affair should be exposed to all of your family, children, close friends, the OW's family. Everyone should know. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. This is the most important first step in saving a marriage from an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so bringing it out into the open ruins it.

Please go read the exposure 101 thread in my signature.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Whatworld
We each see an IC and or MC. I switched to a new IC lately and have been very happy so far. I DO NOT like his IC at all and he's agreed without persuasion to try meeting with my new IC.

You are wasting your time with people who have no earthly idea how to save marriages from an affair.

Gloveoil is correct, your husband is not serious. He won't be serious until *YOU* get serious and start holding him accountable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB. I am so sorry you are going through this trauma. How long have you been married? Any children?

You are most probably still in shock. You think he will wake up and do the right thing. After all....you know your husband! WRONG! He only has a chance of coming out of this if he sees and feels the consequences. Right now he is in a fog. Do you want us to help you expose the affair? This is your only chance.

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Thank you for your support.
Re: fog- yes, he's still in it. he just doesn't get it yet. There have been changes in a positive direction, but this incident was one that shows that he certainly isn't there.
Exposure- I know that is what marriage builders goes by, as a rule, but i am fearful of this. we have young children (married 9.5 years now) and i don't want them to know. his family is full of gossipers and if 1 knows, the entire town knows. I know on this website, that's a positive. But I honestly don't know if i can live with that. His sister, my parents know, his mom knows we are working through some issues and suspects that it may be what it is, but i just can't get there with the exposure thing.
Job - I hate it, i hate that he's there. he's actively looking, but at his level, it's going to take a while. maybe we are on hold until that time comes. I don't know....i am just out of steam tonight.

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Originally Posted by Whatworld
Exposure- I know that is what marriage builders goes by, as a rule, but i am fearful of this. we have young children (married 9.5 years now) and i don't want them to know. his family is full of gossipers and if 1 knows, the entire town knows. I know on this website, that's a positive. But I honestly don't know if i can live with that. His sister, my parents know, his mom knows we are working through some issues and suspects that it may be what it is, but i just can't get there with the exposure thing.

It is not a "rule" on Marriage Builders, it is the only way to save your marriage. To keep it a secret is to enable it. Not sure why you would want to lie to your children. That is in no one's best interest. It might help the affair, but it does not help you, your husband or your marriage. And it sure doesn't help your children.

Quote
Job - I hate it, i hate that he's there. he's actively looking, but at his level, it's going to take a while. maybe we are on hold until that time comes. I don't know....i am just out of steam tonight.

In that case, we can't help you because this is a hopeless situation. So sorry. The longer his affair goes on the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it will be to break it up.

In short, we can't help you if you choose to be an enabler. This situation will get worse, not better. You can choose to throw away your marriage, but you don't need to.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you exposed to his workplace?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Whatworld, there are some radio clips on this thread where Dr Harley addresses the issue of enabling an affair: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163853&Number=2518985#Post2518985

That is a pretty sure fire way to lose your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I had a wonderful marriage for 38 years! There were no signs, no red flags. I was totally blindsided. We are currently going through divorce (initiated by him). Looking back, I should have exposed the affair to the workplace immediately. My WH convinced me he will end the affair, promised he will look for another position...promises, promises. He pretended to work on our marriage while continuing the affair. The affair became more and more entrenched until things were out of control. I kept hoping he would see the light. I was in too much shock to see the truth. I was too scared to make him angry and hate me. Well...I now regret it. Exposing to the job is of utmost importance. We'll guide you through it.

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Hi Whatworld, welcome to MB. I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I hope that you are still reading and will take the time to learn about the immense addiction of affairs. We all felt the same fear at exposing. We understand, but if we sugar coat it for you, that isn't going to help your reality at the moment.
Originally Posted by Whatworld
I am so angry, so hurt that he put his career and employees above my discomfort and pain.
Yes. And so are YOU putting his career and employees above your own pain. Do you realize this? You are...simply by having it be an option to stay one more day at his job...one more day to feel the thrill of the affair when he sees the OW at work...you are also putting his career above yourself.

What good will it do for you to protect your husband's job as you lose your marriage?

I hope that you will listen to Melody and others....please demand that he give his 30 day notice on Monday, and if he refuses, then immediately expose both your H and the OW to upper management.
Originally Posted by Whatworld
Job - I hate it, i hate that he's there. he's actively looking, but at his level, it's going to take a while. maybe we are on hold until that time comes. I don't know....i am just out of steam tonight.
No, you won't be on hold as a couple. YOU will be on hold, but your husband will become daily more enmeshed with his affair partner. You're right to hate it. Your instincts are speaking loud and clear.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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WW, by choosing his career over your marriage, you will end up divorced. When you are divorcing and divorced, you will be competing with the OW over his salary. So you will lose that salary anyway. She will be in your lives forever.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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