That looks great Billman.

You are still trying to educate and preach to her, telling her what is right from what is wrong!

And stop telling her how hurt you are! She doesn't care! Appealing your own self-interest is not the way to win her back!

(I should be edited for excessive use of exclamation marks, I know.)

I also think you should take out any lines that suggest that she is equally responsible for the mess you are in, and that she needs to take an equal role in meeting needs and building the new marriage. The thing is that, while those points are true, telling her that she needs to step up is NOT A WAY TO WIN HER BACK.

She doesn't want to go back to you.

She is more than finished with you.

You were a lousy husband and she does not want you back, whether her affair ends or not.

That is her perspective. With that in mind, telling her that she has no excuse to walk away from you is disrespectful and HIGHLY ANNOYING to her.

She already IS away from you. All she wants to do is continue on the path she is on, living without you and bringing up the children. If OM stays with her I'm sure that's fine in her view, but if he doesn't, with your record as a husband there is no earthly reason why she should consider going back to you when the affair ends.

If you want her to consider going back to you, you have to tell her how you will be different. Don't use terms like "emotional needs"; that isn't a term that I would want to read in a love letter.

I really don't like all your mushy stuff at the start of the letter, and all the reminiscing. I think it is rather cringe-making to read, but that could just be because it is cringe-making to read anyone else's love letter. I would gather a few more views from women here, if you can get them, on those points.

If I were her, I'd be ticked off about the fact that you choose selectively to remember the good bits early on in your relationship, but choose not to admit that you had sex with another woman and have an OC, that you had a gaming addiction, that you were a lousy father who ignored his kids and you were a poor husband who checked out of the marriage long before she did. Do you think that she has forgotten how it was when you first met, and that all you have to do is remind her of it and she'll forget the reasons she fell out of love with you?

Having said that, I don't think that your letter needs a be a "mea culpa" list of all your faults, either. That would hardly come across as a love letter to me.

I'm not sure why you are writing this letter at all at this time, but I'll re-read your thread to see what prompted it. Did Dr Harley suggest it when you were on the show?

If you do feel you need to write a letter, it needs to say that you are sorry for making her unhappy when you were married. Tell her you would like her to give you another chance to be the husband that she wants. Tell her that you are in anger management and that you will never be angry with her, or show disrespect to her, again. Tell her you will never play another computer game. (I think there is some financial problem that you've had, as well; tell her that you are clearing your debts, or whatever is the issue.) Tell her that you are asking her to give you a chance to make her happy, and that you will be there when she needs you, but don't make it sound as if you are saying goodbye. Goodbye is for a Plan B letter.

Don't copy my words. Your words need to sound like your expressions, and also, you will know better than I whether she likes the slushy stuff that I disliked.

This is what I gave my wife this week, she already knew the conditions, she said it was everything she wanted to hear, but couldn't trust it yet (of course and rightly so), but did say she believed that I believed it:

I should have picked this out of the letter, also. This, below, would tick me off mightily, too. How could you have thought she was happy when you were ignoring her and the children, playing games for hours on end and running up debts? How you could have thought she was happy about the OC and the circumstances surrounding it?

If you thought she was happy when to anyone else it would have been obvious that she was deeply unhappy, then you were wilfully blind, and she should have no confidence that you will know when she is unhappy again. She will not go back to someone who does not know when she is unhappy.

The truth is that you didn't care.

That sentence is you doing what you did before, Billman, when you wanted a book recommendation that you could give to her that would show her that you were not that bad a husband at all. You are still saying that you don't get what the big deal is.

You still don't get it. You still don't get how badly you let her down.

And the final sentence, telling her that you know she still loves you when she is quite certain that she doesn't, is yet another disrespectful judgement.

Yeah, my POSOM kept telling WW that if she stayed in the house, then I would brainwash her into another chance and trap her with me and she would be stuck doing sexual favors for me every day. Standard OP for AP to try to break the marriage.

Billman should not apologise for any Harley-recommended action that he took to save his marriage. I haven't been following your case closely enough to be sure, pm, but if you apologised for reading her emails then you were wrong to do so. You had every right to read her emails at any time, and especially so in attempt to end the affair.

There are two points that this sort of love letter needs to cover; that is, in the case of a man who was a poor excuse for a husband, and who, as in Billman's case, had sex with another woman and has an OC, and who wants to win his wife back:

1. I am sorry for what I did.

2. i will never do it again.

Agree with SC...I am not a fan of the mushiness. It is over-the-top to me. If I was a withdrawn WW, I would especially not want to read that...it would tick me off.

You're right for calling that out. I did not word that the way I intended. I intended to express my understanding for her feelings and opinions on the subject, but not apologize. I had added the "I agree in most cases" to imply that I do not agree in this situation, and forgot to changing the open to the paragraph

There's certainly a variety of opinions here on what you should say and I had forgotten your background story with your A and OC.

I would email Dr. Harley since you've been on the show and he is familiar with your case. See what he thinks a Plan A letter in your scenario should say.

I agree with SugarCane on the review of your letter.
I would also look for a recommendation from the Harleys.

In other words - ignore all the advice he's received here? It's impossible to see what advice is good by listening carefully to the arguments that are made, so don't take any of it on board?

That phrase "why not write to Dr Harley?" is so often used here to passive-aggressively dismiss the advice that people don't agree with.

Why should anyone post on your thread, ax? Why don't you just write to Dr Harley?

# 1 and # 2.

The In Love is Bullsheet to her ears after all the years if being neglected and played.

Let the letter and specifically, Your Actions SHOW how you are serious.

Otherwise, it's all fog talk to her.

LTL

My Loverly, My wife,

I am so sorry for all the years of pain I have caused. I am sorry for the neglect and my disloyalty. I can never take back the pain I caused by having a child with another woman, and the torment I must have put you through with my ambivalence. I am sorry for the weight of my selfishness and my know-it-all attitude. I saw you unhappy, and I thought I was trying, but I did not learn, and I surely was not trying hard enough, I see that now. I am sorry for my gaming addiction, for my laziness, for my utter disregard of your feelings. I controlled you and charged us right to an end.

My love, I take responsibility in my lack of romancing you, and wooing you. I stopped courting you and took you for granted. I took advantage of the fact that I would never lose you. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you. I vowed to love you until my last breath. I forgot to live up to that promise. I lost sight along the way and did not care for you the way I meant to, the way you deserved. I will never again mistreat you in the way I have. I will never neglect you or our children for any reason. I will never play another video game ever again or sit on the couch and do nothing when there is housework to be done.

I am currently in anger management classes so that I can learn to control my anger. I will never be angry with you or disrespect you � Never again. I will not ignore our children regardless of how small their issues may be. I will show them love and admiration in all that they do. And I will never again ignore you when you tell me anything. I did not truly listen to you when you told me you were unhappy.

I will no longer live in my ignorance. I am changing because I want to. I never intended you harm, physical or emotional. I want to prove that to you, by becoming the man I should have always been; the man that you need, but not because you need me � because I want to be that man. I want to be there for you for the rest of my life because you deserve it. You do not have to ask me to change; I cannot ask you to believe I will. But with everything I am, I WILL change. I am learning so much more every day.

I am fully dedicated to your happiness, to our family�s happiness. I pray that someday you will see the man I become, and remember the man you fell in love with. Things will never be the same again, if we can stay married and find love again; and you allow me to show you the care and respect I never should have taken from you, I promise you a healthier, more loving, and happy marriage. I will continue to learn, and own my faults. I will train myself to listen and actually hear you. I will show you how genuine my love truly is for you, and will never lose sight of what really matters.
Your Husband,

My letter template was drafted by someone who won his wife back from OM after a 16 month A. That user felt my situation was similar enough to his that he could really help me.

I realized my situation is not similar enough to Billman's for me to have that same confidence. Our situations are quite different.

My apologies if that offended you, it was not my intent.

Are you under the impression that I have criticised your letter?

You should read again, if so.

Better. I don't have time to edit but struck out two sentences. I would stay away for too much absolutes (always and never). Saying you will always give your children admiration no matter what they do is not believable nor something you should do anyway. The fact is you have lost her as of now so delete or change that wording.

I have edited per above post:

My Loverly, My wife,

I am so sorry for all the years of pain I have caused. I am sorry for the neglect and my disloyalty. I can never take back the pain I caused by having a child with another woman, and the torment I must have put you through with my ambivalence. I am sorry for the weight of my selfishness and my know-it-all attitude. I saw you unhappy, and I thought I was trying, but I did not learn, and I surely was not trying hard enough, I see that now. I am sorry for my gaming addiction, for my laziness, for my utter disregard of your feelings. I controlled you and charged us right to an end.

My love, I take responsibility in my lack of romancing you, and wooing you. I stopped courting you and took you for granted. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you. I vowed to love you until my last breath. I forgot to live up to that promise. I lost sight along the way and did not care for you the way I meant to, the way you deserved. I will never again mistreat you in the way I have. I will not neglect you or our children for any reason. I will not play another video game ever again or sit on the couch and do nothing when there is housework to be done.

I am currently in anger management classes so that I can learn to control my anger. I will never be angry with you or disrespect you � Never again. I will not ignore our children regardless of how small their issues may be. I will show them love and admiration and praise them when it is due. And I will not ever again ignore you when you tell me anything. I did not truly listen to you when you told me you were unhappy.

I will no longer live in my ignorance. I am changing because I want to. I never intended you harm, physical or emotional. I want to prove that to you, by becoming the man I should have always been; the man that you need, but not because you need me � because I want to be that man. I want to be there for you for the rest of my life because you deserve it. You do not have to ask me to change; I cannot ask you to believe I will. But with everything I am, I WILL change. I am learning so much more every day.

I am fully dedicated to your happiness, to our family�s happiness. I pray that someday you will see the man I become, and remember the man you fell in love with. Things will never be the same again, if we can stay married and find love again; and you allow me to show you the care and respect I never should have taken from you, I promise you a healthier, more loving, and happy marriage. I will continue to learn, and own my faults. I will train myself to listen and actually hear you. I will show you how genuine my love truly is for you, and will never lose sight of what really matters.
Your Husband,

I'm wondering why you use this phrase:
I'm nor from the USA, so I might be wrong about this, but from my position as a Brit, this look like either bad spelling of "lovely", or worse, it makes you sound like
D i c k Van Dyke in Mary Poppins - the worst cockney accent in history.

Is this a term that your wife is used to you using about her?

Yes she is my honey ,and my loverly. since the day we began

Much better, Billman12