what happens if he agrees to return them on X day and then keeps them til the 24th? Does he know your DD does not want to go?

He knows dd isn't going. Basically, he is keeping the boys (14yo and 4yo) until Christmas Eve. Regardless of what I want.

:/sorry

My kids are adults, but if I were in your shoes I think I'd want to throw him off track a bit. How about showing him enthusiasm for taking the kids and try to go away for a few days. Do you have a friend to visit, or a short trip you can take (even for a few days)? Tell him you won't be able to be reached until (blank) date. Everything right now is going his way and he doesn't care about your feelings. Why not turn the tables? I don't like the idea of you crying at home and your WH gallavanting around without a care.

How did it go? Did he pick up all the kids?

He took the 14yo and the 4yo. The 11yo refused to go, baby is too little.

He just brought them home! Interesting that when I suggest 5 days it's too quick a turnaround, but when he actually takes them he only takes them for 5 days.

My boys are home!!

Yay!

He has sent word that he is going to be very short money-wise next month. I asked what his plan is and whether I need to worry about the kids having heat, water, food (he had originally planned to pay all the bills and give me money for food, gas, household stuff, kids incidentals) and he just responded with "it doesn't look good". Do I press him so I can plan? Just expect that he won't pay the bills here or give me food money? In that case, do I need to file for legal separation so the court will make him give me something?

Related question: how do I know if a lawyer is good? I have been talking to one and I really like her, but I have never had to vet a lawyer before.

Hi JK,

Yes, file for legal separation or divorce in order to get child support and spousal support (I would say divorce as it will be more of a shock). And do it NOW. Don't wait for him to cut you off.

A lawyer is good if he/she doesn't give you any grief about being in Plan B and works with you to make your Plan B is safe. My lawyer thought my plan B was weird and was trying to get me to go along with California's riduculous co-parenting mumbo jumbo. But, I explained to her the emotional stress that contact put on me and we found a way around it (for example, my IM mans my "co-parenting email account" and he doesn't know it).

By the way, I am not divorced, I just moved 500 miles away from him and I am planning on filing for child support soon (but will file for D in three months when I meet the requirement of living in this county for 3 months).

I know these steps are scary, but right now your WH is doing nothing to win you back and put your marriage first. You must do these things to protect yourself and your kids (and maybe save your marriage). It's the only way he'll realize that the affair fantasy is actually pretty crappy (and she probably won't like that all of his money goes to you guys either).

Hmm. I know he actually is short on cash because he lost his 20 hours a week of overtime and had his salary reduced when he was decommissioned. As far as I know he is still under investigation.

You can go to your county courthouse and see about filing for separation (without a lawyer) and you should also look into what you can do about food, etc (food banks are there to help people who need it!)

My mom has said that she can help on a monthly basis.

Ok. Those things are a natural consequence of his affair. He still has an obligation to take care of all of you. He wants to live on his own to further his affair, which is taking money away from your family. He does not deserve your sympathy on this.

No sympathy, I just don't think he's in the lap of luxury while we have nothing. I agree that it is his responsibility to figure it out, supplement his income somehow. It seems he hasn't, though. I don't know how to make him.

I would pay more in child care than I could bring in right now. I am registered for school in the spring to change that and my parents are going to help.

Expect that he will not pay the bills or give you food and gas money.

I would suggest you go to DSHS and apply for food stamps and cash assistance, and then lawyer up for separation and support. He has an obligation and DSHS will 'help' him fulfill that obligation.

Don't wait for him to pony up the money because he is giving you fair warning that he won't.

Go tomorrow, or as soon as possible, and take the kids with you so they can see you are in need. It is DSHS in Washington, but basically, your welfare office.

Find out what documentation you need for verification, birth certificates and social security cards for the kids, proof of how much he has given you until now. Tell them you will not be receiving any more support as far as you know.

Your priority now is providing for your children. There are assistance programs to help you pay utilities, etc.

Your parents will not be able to support you and your 4 kids unless they have a lot of money. Don't tell social services you will receive support from your parents when you have not yet. That can be dealt with when the time comes.

Go tomorrow. The sooner the better.


Miss M

I talked to human services this morning. I don't need a legal separation to apply for benefits, just have to have 2 people who can verify my situation.

Good deal!

Just a quick update. He did actually give me money - not the full agreed upon amount, but he did give me food money, money for the kids' activities, car and house maintenance. And supposedly gas money is coming today.

He sent word through my IM that he looked into divorce options and wants me to do mediation with him. I respectfully declined to participate in any divorce actions, thankyouverymuch. We'll see what he does next.

He is also wanting to change his visitation time with the kids, but doesn't want to tell me why. So, I don't think I'm inclined to change my schedule around to accommodate.

You are doing AWESOME!! And so is your IM! She has contacted me a few times and we have hashed out the issues. You are in GREAT hands with her!

Thanks Melody, and thanks for your help. I won't lie, today has been rough. Any contact, even through my IM is hard on me. I am so, so glad I listened to you guys and went into this dark plan b.