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Tamera Offline OP
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Hello, I am new here and I'd like to apologize for the length of my post, but I really need some help with my situation.

I am a young woman and I've recently been in an emotional affair with another guy, Phil. He is a friend of a couple of my husband's friends. He used to come over occasionally with them to hang out with us and play games for a couple of days. These guys come over so much that I truly care for them very much and I enjoy being around them while they're here because we all share common interests, including my husband.

It all started when we found out Phil was moving out of state (he has since moved), I began texting him a bit. Other than him being at our home, we never talked, only texted.
At the time I was a little depressed and it was getting worse at this point because my husband and I were going through a little rough patch, so I developed feelings for Phil. My husband caught me texting him one day and questioned me a little and discovered I texted Phil on multiple occasions without his knowledge. I told him everything. I wasn't texting him for very long at this point so I honestly don't think Phil knows that I was sneaking, let alone having an emotional affair.. with him. I didn't even know what I went through was called anything until a couple days ago.
There were few things I opened up to him about before I got caught. Most of it was texting about harmless things, there was some flirting but mostly on my part, and the couple things I opened up to him about were: 1. about how I don't have any friends (by choice, really.. I'm kind of anti social), how it is nice to have someone else to talk to other than my husband (I basically asked him if we could be friends and still text after he moved) and 2. Last time he visited before moving he gave me a hug.. which surprised me as we have never shown affection to eachother like that before. I had planned to give him a hug before he left, and I did, but the 2nd time was a longer hug because I waited until he let go. I loved the hugs.. even when I think of it now. Both were out of my husband's sight. I texted Phil later that day, telling him that he surprised me with his hug. He said it was the last chance to do it, which was true. I told him it meant so much to me (it really did, still does), and he replied that it meant a lot to him too. I don't know for sure if he knows I had feelings for him after that. I felt it was obvious but there was a girl he and the other guys are friends with and they all gave her a hug 3 separate times when she came over to visit a while back.

I haven't texted Phil since my husband found out besides a couple times when he texted both my husband and me, and one other time he texted just me.. which I showed to my husband. That was the last time he texted me. He definitely texts me less now since I stopped. I used to text him everyday and he would reply, sometimes not right away but I'd get a response. He would text me on his own once every 2 or 3 days. I don't know what he thinks, but since I stopped texts and because I asked him if I could still text him after he moved I feel f'n terrible. I imagine he thinks the worst of me because I haven't done what I asked of him. I feel so guilty over it. I talked to my husband about me feeling guilty over this and it didn't turn out well.
A long time ago when our relationship began we made it a thing that we would not be friends with the opposite sex. At that time I was okay with that. Over the years I found I get along better with guys than I do girls.. but I don't want to be friends with just any guy. I want them to be able to hang out with both of us, like the ones that come over.

I know what I did wrong here and how it happened, but I still want to be able to talk to Phil, I don't know why exactly. My husband is certainly not okay with that since it's disrespectful to him, but I can't help but feel like still texting him. Since I feel so terrible about it I want to text Phil and tell him how I was sneaking my texts with him, and how my husband found out. I'm worried if I do that Phil might think it's my husband who is in the wrong. He must think something is different since he quit texting me too. I just don't want him to think I'm a bad person. I still care for him on a friend level, I think that may be why I can't let go so easily. My husband didn't think he was a great person so I know he won't want me to text him anything at all. Unfortunately I don't think I can stop feeling guilty until I text him what I've done. Wierd thing is my husband told me it doesn't bother him if Phil texts me, so long as I tell him. But I cannot text him.

What I am really asking here is, in cases similar to mine, should I text Phil one last time? Essentially ending my emotional affair that I believe he is totally unaware of. If yes, (which I'm hoping for, to be honest) what do I say? What parts should be left out? I am very tempted to be completely honest with him without mentioning my feelings. Even thinking about just telling him not to view my husband badly, that this whole thing was my fault and sorry for getting him involved.
I just want things to go back to normal. Or as close to normal as it can get. Never talking about this again with my husband will do just that.. at least that is my hope.
If Phil came back to visit, I would want to hug him so bad.. I would be like that if any of the guys that hang out moved away and came back for a visit. But because of what happened, I don't think my husband will be ok with it.. even if it was in front of him.

I shouldn't feel this bad about Phil but I do and I don't know why... Although I don't want to end what I started with him, I would feel so much better if he knew why I suddenly quit texting him. I just want to tell him the truth so so bad. I'm worried if it is taken the wrong way it will get back to my husband, thus bringing back more problems. I don't even know why I want to risk it.

I have thought about 'what if he had done this to you?' thing as well. So if at all possible, please don't mention that. I also never really wanted to be 'with' Phil, as I believe it wouldn't work out between us. I still had the thoughts though.. I couldn't help it I guess. It was more like we had 'innocent' flirting, but not much.
What I truly wanted was to be able to talk to him as a friend, to hear how he was doing, and have someone to talk to about stuff I wouldn't think my husband would want to talk about.. and no I don't mean inappropriate stuff.

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost..

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Please read.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Well, it's been my experience counseling thousands of couples that opposite-sex friends pose the greatest risk for infidelity. True, there are those who go shopping for sex on the internet or have one-night stands with total strangers while on a trip. But that's not the typical affair. The most common affair is with someone who has become a friend.
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Welcome to MB. Have you apologized to your husband?

The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Tamera
...It was more like we had 'innocent' flirting, but not much.
What I truly wanted was to be able to talk to him as a friend, to hear how he was doing, and have someone to talk to about stuff I wouldn't think my husband would want to talk about.. and no I don't mean inappropriate stuff.

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost..
Tamera, a few things for you to think about, and some hard questions -- because I'd be doing you a disservice if I sugar-coated things for you, right?

You're not "lost," you're hooked. As in, junkie-about-to-trash-her-life hooked. Listen up, girl, because this is as serious as a heart attack:

-- Why do you want to hold open the door to having a physical affair? Holding that door open is a choice you're making. Do you realize that? Do you disagree with me?

-- There's no such thing as "innocent" flirting with an opposite-sex person who's not your spouse. The issue isn't the content of the flirting; rather, the issue is the very fact that it's occurring with someone other than your spouse. Deciding to flirt with a man other than your husband equals making a conscious choice to step out onto a slope that's more slippery than you think.

-- You think it's ok to talk with another guy about stuff you don't think your husband would want to talk about? Sharing confidences with a man other than your husband also equals making a conscious choice to step out onto a slope that's more slippery than you think. Do you disagree with me?

Affairs are very akin to addictions in their brain-chemistry impact. This guy shows you some easy affirmation, you allow him to fill your need for intimate conversation, and presto, the brain chemicals get going & produce that little 'high,' and viola, soon you're hooked!

And you're hooked. To get that fixed, the first thing you need to do is admit it.

Have you come here looking for 'validation' of your desire to remain in contact with the other guy? Because that's what this "last email" b.s. is, whether or not you admit that fact to yourself. The way you break an addition isn't by looking for a way to have one last drink, one last hit of the crackpipe, or one 'last' text with your affair partner. Because all that 'last' hit does is prolong your withdrawal.

Instead, the way you break an addiction is to end contact with that thing to which you're addicted. You need to ditch your phone number & email addresses and change them to ones that the other guy doesn't know, and you need to practice complete transparency toward your husband regarding your cell & online communications. Because whether you realize it or not, you're a hair's breadth away from screwing up your life & your husband's life, big-time. I know this, because a little over 6 years ago, I stepped out onto all those slippery slopes & crossed those boundaries myself. Biggest friggin' mistake & bad decision-making of my life. Which is why I'm wasting time on my Christmas vacation trying to keep you from making the biggest bad decision of your life.

If you don't change your e-addresses & phone numbers today, then know that you're making a conscious decision to allow this affair the opportunity to continue. Whether you admit it or realize it or not, that'll be the choice you'll be making.

You can start to work on fixing your marriage, and can even end up with a better marriage than you've had up until now; but none of that work can begin to take hold while this 'Phil' guy is still in the picture. (And while we're at it, spend some time thinking about what kind of character issues you might run into in a guy who'd be willing to countenance surreptitious conversations with another man's wife. Again, I know better than you what I'm talking about, because I was that guy once, before I got my head back on straight. This other guy needs to be out of your life entirely, and forever.)

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" asap and read it before you get your life even more screwed up. That book may well have saved my marriage after my affair. It may save yours & can help you to end your affair sooner, with a lot less heartache than I caused in the course of mine.





Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Hi Tamera
After you have read the links that Brainy posted, I want to tell you a story from my own life.

My mother was married to my father for 59 years. When my mother had an ectopic pregnancy in the north African desert, a young English doctor saved her life and she developed feelings for him. Nothing was said about this by either of them at the time. They went their separate ways and he later married but they always stayed in touch. The couple became family friends and we would see them maybe once a year. I am certain that neither my mother nor the doctor ever acknowledged how they felt.

His wife died first. They married three months after my father died. To my mother's great surprise, her marriage to the doctor was miserable. He was not right for her, she had fallen for a fantasy. Worse, she realised that her marriage to my father had been damaged by these fantasy feelings and that they had also damaged the doctor's relationship with his wife. So the lifetime happiness of four people was stolen by a relationship that was not even real.

Emotional affairs can be more harmful than physical affairs because they can last an incredibly long time if kept alive by even very occasional contact. Never underestimate the power of human emotions. My mother and the doctor were good honorable people, they had no idea how destructive their contact was although I suspect the doctor's wife and my father were not that comfortable with it. There was only one possible solution to what happened and that would have been for my mother to tell my father everything and then cut contact with the doctor for life.

That is what you need to do now.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Hi Tamera, welcome to Marriage Builders. You very narrowly missed making the biggest mistake of your life. You have almost dodged the bullet but keep running back on the field of battle to take some bullets. An affair is the worst thing you can do to your spouse and it will wreck your life if don't end this once and for all.

The smartest thing you can do is change your phone # and never speak to Phil again. The second thing you should do is print up your post and show it to your husband so he knows that his marriage is in trouble and that Phil is a RAT who has no respect for his wife and his marriage.

You don't seem to understand that Phil has essentially spit in your face. Any man who trifles with a married woman has disrespected her in the worst possible way. He has indicated he things you are EASY. He is a loser who should be cut out of your life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
You very narrowly missed making the biggest mistake of your life.

What a blessing you caught this in time! A month from now everything will be back to normal, and you'll be wondering, what was I thinking?!

It sounds like you need more date nights with your DH. Have you been reading through the Basic Concepts yet? A romantic like you will love the marriage you'll be able to develop! Imagine feeling that awesome every time you hug your DH!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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You're addicted to your affair partner and the temptation to lie to your husband so you can get another hit is growing.

The text messages give you a hit of dopamine. More addictive than crack cocaine. It leads to romantic love. If you go cold turkey it will go away. I promise.

You both knew full well that you were having an affair.

I've read texts like the ones you describe on my husband's phone. I found it heartbreaking he was bonding with another woman in that way. I found it more disgusting than if they were sexual to hear them talk of love. The texts about hugs must have been a dagger in the gut to your husband.

I divorced and financially ruined my ex husband. I deserve to be everything to my spouse. Your husband must love you very much to try and free you from this mistake.

I cannot believe you are asking to your husband to let you continue this affair.

Change your number NOW. Tell your husband you will not flirt with anyone like this, or play with fire again and let him be the person you go to when you need love.

Last edited by indiegirl; 12/22/14 11:26 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You don't seem to understand that Phil has essentially spit in your face. Any man who trifles with a married woman has disrespected her in the worst possible way. He has indicated he things you are EASY. He is a loser who should be cut out of your life.


X2

Men don't text about hugs. Not unless a woman is silly enough to imply he might text her for a cheap ego boost.

He has insulted you and played false to your husband.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You don't seem to understand that Phil has essentially spit in your face. Any man who trifles with a married woman has disrespected her in the worst possible way. He has indicated he things you are EASY. He is a loser who should be cut out of your life.


X2

Men don't text about hugs. Not unless a woman is silly enough to imply he might text her for a cheap ego boost.

He has insulted you and played false to your husband.
Not much of a friend to your husband.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Tamera
, .
Over the years I found I get along better with guys than I do girls...


This is what my husband's mistress used to say, back when she was still my friend.

I wish I could have stopped her before she ruined her life. Lots of people dropped her like a hot rock.

ALL women like men best as companions. They have a different outlook which matches ours perfectly.

THATS WHY WE FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!!

We don't fall in love by being 'inappropriate' either. Just by being ourselves.

Stop shopping for a new man. It's cruel beyond belief to the one you already have.


Last edited by indiegirl; 12/22/14 11:40 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


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