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Do you believe that you need your wife's "permission" to live in your own home? Are you aware that she cannot LEGALLY throw you out of your home? And you can LEGALLY take your kids where you choose. That means if she left with them, you could go pick them up. She can't keep the kids away from you without a court order, and no judge is going to take children away from their father unless he is a proven child abuser.
Your wife is a co-equal PEER. She is not your momma, your boss, or a police official. You are a grown man who does not need permission to stay in his own house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You need to END that counseling unless it is marriage builders concepts. Counselors typically don't know how to handle an affair, and will only enable the wayward and you will be holding a big bag of BLAME.
You are being manipulated. 99.9% of the affairs we see here are not unique or different. Your situation sounds just like almost any other we see here, (unless you are withholding something sinister). Just wait, posters here will tell you things she is going to say before she says it, and you will be amazed at the accuracy of the predictions.
I suggest you read up on the relevant threads here, like exposure, Plan A, snooping, etc. Get a VAR, I predict as soon as the holidays are over, you will have caused her fear and her to "feel not safe".
You are on a crazy alternate reality carnival ride, you are going to have to be strong for your kids and your wife.
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Do you believe that you need your wife's "permission" to live in your own home? Are you aware that she cannot LEGALLY throw you out of your home? And you can LEGALLY take your kids where you choose. That means if she left with them, you could go pick them up. She can't keep the kids away from you without a court order, and no judge is going to take children away from their father unless he is a proven child abuser.
Your wife is a co-equal PEER. She is not your momma, your boss, or a police official. This has NEVER BEEN about keeping the kids away from each other. When I was gone I could come over whenever I wanted and see the kids/take the kids anywhere I wanted. Now let's see if your expert advice works. If she leaves, so be it. If she takes the kids, well, I cannot physically take them out of her arms. What would happen then if she resists? Police are called? One of us goes to jail for the night? Is that what we want our 2 1/2 year old to see? So, she could take the kids and I could then go see them whenever I want. Then we'll see if/when she wants to return home. But I hope it doesn't get to that point. Keep you updated.
Last edited by PeteF; 12/22/14 03:26 PM.
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You need to END that counseling unless it is marriage builders concepts. Counselors typically don't know how to handle an affair, and will only enable the wayward and you will be holding a big bag of BLAME.
You are being manipulated. 99.9% of the affairs we see here are not unique or different. Your situation sounds just like almost any other we see here, (unless you are withholding something sinister). Just wait, posters here will tell you things she is going to say before she says it, and you will be amazed at the accuracy of the predictions.
I suggest you read up on the relevant threads here, like exposure, Plan A, snooping, etc. Get a VAR, I predict as soon as the holidays are over, you will have caused her fear and her to "feel not safe".
You are on a crazy alternate reality carnival ride, you are going to have to be strong for your kids and your wife. Oh I get it. No other counseling except MB works, huh? I think our counselor has been good for us. Time will tell.
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I'm back home and not leaving again.
Really taking everyone's comments to heart but keep in mind every situation is different. Read hundreds or even thousands of other peoples affair stories and you will actually find out that they ALL are amazingly similar. Just the names and locations are different, but the behaviors and the ACTUAL Phrases that get used sre definitely from a Wayward Script that EVERY WAYWARD USES to some degree or another. I'm glad you are back home. Make Love Bank Deposits and DO NOT make any Love Busters. Stay Home!!! LTL
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Most counselors just dabble in Marriage Counseling.
The emphasis on all of their training is DSMV Diagnostics and Treatment and getting the patient to individuate.
Even if/when they put on the Marriage Counselor Hat for one appointment, their training does not focus on an Integrated Marriage.
They have good intentions, yet statistically are worse for reconciling a marriage even if no counseling were undertaken.
LTL
P.S. I am sure ML can post the article by Dr. Harley about how he discovered that none of the Marriage Counselors in the field were having any statistical success rate.
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[ This has NEVER BEEN about keeping the kids away from each other. When I was gone I could come over whenever I want and see the kids/take the kids anywhere I wanted. When you ABANDON your family for absolutely no good reason, you obviously cannot work on your marriage. I hope you understand that most judges seriously frown on MEN who run off and abandon their families. Now let's see if your expert advice works. If she leaves, so be it. If she takes the kids, well, I cannot physically take them out of her arms. What would happen then if she resists? Police are called? One of us goes to jail for the night? Is that what we want our 2 1/2 year to see? No "expert" can force your wife to stay or leave. That is ridiculous. Nor do I claim to be an expert. The only person you can control here is YOURSELF, and as a MAN and a husband, you should not be abandoning your family. So, she could take the kids and I could then go see them if I want. Then we'll see if/when she wants to return home.
Keep you updated. That will be up to her, but you should not abandon your family to accommodate her affair. That is not what a loving, caring husband DOES. That is cowardly, uncaring behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Pete I acted the same way you did for 4 months, i didnt have a clue and didnt have marriage builders. I WISH that somebody would have slapped me in the head with a 2X4, it would have saved me and my kids immense amount of pain and suffering.
I tend to be very direct with betrayed husbands,(i was one), and i needed but did not get tough love. The concepts on here will work, not guaranteed, but at least you have a chance as this is action based.
Hope is not a strategy!
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[ Oh I get it. No other counseling except MB works, huh? I think our counselor has been good for us. Time will tell. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. If your "counselor" gives you advice that is counter to Marriage Builders, it will not work. There are not several ways to save a marriage. It is a very narrow path that few people understand. But you are free to accept or reject our advice. It is all the same to us. Most of us have already saved our marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One more thing.....
When a spouse is involved in an Active Affair, either emotionally or physically, all of your Love Bank Deposits will not seem to be making a dent, but they do slowly build up until finally, one day they Burst to the surface.
There is a great analogy about tossing pepples into a lake.
Stop being so defensive towards people who have Been There -Done That and truly know much more about your circumstances that you do. You have tunnel vision blinders on right now.
LTL
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One more thing.....
When a spouse is involved in an Active Affair, either emotionally or physically, all of your Love Bank Deposits will not seem to be making a dent, but they do slowly build up until finally, one day they Burst to the surface.
There is a great analogy about tossing pepples into a lake.
Stop being so defensive towards people who have Been There -Done That and truly know much more about your circumstances that you do. You have tunnel vision blinders on right now.
LTL I agree, emotions are high and a lot of this advice is hard to take and I am being objective. I do not know if the affair continues. She says it is over, and I have no evidence to suggest that it continues. OM is a predator and chronic adulterer who probably will not stop trying to contact her. I am being diligent without doing something extreme like hiring a PI, and I don't have any concrete evidence right now.
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I should add that the advice we are giving you here is not our uneducated personal opinions, but the views of the website owner, clinical psychologist, Dr Bill Harley. He has specialized in infidelity for 40 years. And yes, he is an expert. He tells men not to leave their homes unless they are planning on going into Plan B. In your case, you should be in Plan A for quite some time.
So when you say that all situations are different, it begs the question of how you would KNOW that all situations require a different solution? You have no experience or professional background in resolving such problems, after all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree, emotions are high and a lot of this advice is hard to take and I am being objective. I do not know if the affair continues. She says it is over, and I have no evidence to suggest that it continues. OM is a predator and chronic adulterer who probably will not stop trying to contact her. I am being diligent without doing something extreme like hiring a PI, and I don't have any concrete evidence right now. Why would hiring a PI be "extreme?" That would be the most effective way of getting the truth, so why would that be "extreme?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's true that events in your situation are shockingly similar to others. Someone posted a thread a while back about things that all wayward spouses say. I went through the list about a month ago and checked off almost all of them as things my wife has said, several of them verbatim.
Have you checked out any of the other BH's threads? Axslinger, nmwb, and pm have related numerous examples of how similarly their wives have acted through their affairs. When I first started reading other threads I couldn't believe how much these other WW's were just like mine. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
I have listened to the advice here and I am positive that by doing so I have given my marriage a far better chance than anything I would have done without it. It has also helped me stay above the wayward madness and keep my sanity intact.
Don't get upset at the "tough love". I got the same treatment when I wavered in the beginning. I still get it when I waver now. It's for your own good.
BH 31 Married 5 years D day-10/8/14 Separated-10/27/14 1 DS3 1 DSS13
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Keep your children in the home. Hire help while you work. I made this statement not suggesting Pete leave his home. I made this statement in the event his wife threatens to leave the home with the children to further her affair. Since he works at home he may need help if his wife leaves to pursue the affair. I'm not saying that's optimal, but if she threatens to leave and take the kids he can step up and say he will not allow the children to leave their home. He can be a stay at home Dad for awhile if need be and continue to get work done while a sitter comes over a few hours a day. Simply calling his WW bluff and being prepared and protective of the children.
BW 58 WH 61 married 35 years 2 adult children 2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Pete,
A difference between psychologist counselors and this MB coaching program:
Many psychologist see their job as helping people accommodate to what is. They will access and get a working diagnosis for the individuals in the relationship. They will help you manage life with your working diagnosis just as a medical doctor helps a diabetic. In your case you are thus accommodating to wayward behavior and fog babble. The affair is pretty much off the table or a footnote in the assessment and plan to 'help.'
MB coaching expands your notion of what can be. You can learn to have an interdependent relationship very quickly. It won't take years of therapy and going backwards looking at the past. No one runs scared as you are today. Coaching would tell you there is little that can be done for your marriage while the affair is active and would not waste your money. Coaching would direct you to not enable and direct you towards actions that help end the affair and keep it from coming back.
I personally know this program is powerful medicine to a marriage.
Last edited by graceful2b; 12/22/14 05:24 PM.
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Please listen to these clips. Beware of Bad Counselors
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Get a PI. Having an affair is extreme. Hiring a PI is due diligence on your part. You cannot fight this battle without the truth, and your wife is not going to tell you the truth. Period.
There's no do-overs in this game you've now found yourself in the middle of. People around you will act like you're being hypervigilant but most of them have zero experience with a situation like this and have no idea what they are talking about. Been there, done that.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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We are both home and mutually agree to work on the marriage. My struggle now is the mood swings which I am trying not to react to each time. Loving one hour and icy cold the next. It has now been exactly one month since D-Day. She's in our bedroom, I'm in the guest bedroom. She knows I want us back in the same bed but she won't have it for now.
Typical? I'd have to guess yes since it's so early.
Also, she says it's over with OM and I have no proof to suggest otherwise. I do have OM's phone number and was given some advice today to send a simple text stating not to contact my wife again. Good idea? I would leave any threats out of the message for fear of evidence.
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We are both home and mutually agree to work on the marriage. My struggle now is the mood swings which I am trying not to react to each time. Loving one hour and icy cold the next. It has now been exactly one month since D-Day. She's in our bedroom, I'm in the guest bedroom. She knows I want us back in the same bed but she won't have it for now.
Typical? I'd have to guess yes since it's so early.
Also, she says it's over with OM and I have no proof to suggest otherwise. I do have OM's phone number and was given some advice today to send a simple text stating not to contact my wife again. Good idea? I would leave any threats out of the message for fear of evidence. Has she written OM a no contact letter? I don't think that texting OM will do you much good. You have the right idea about not using any threats if you do text him though.
BH 31 Married 5 years D day-10/8/14 Separated-10/27/14 1 DS3 1 DSS13
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