hi there new member here.

After 12 years together, married for 7 my wife wants to separate.
We have had our ups and downs over the years but the last 12 months have been bad.

I have my own business and work from home, my wife has been a house wife for the last 3 years. We have 3 children ages 3,5,8.

She started the gym around 18 months ago, this was great to see my wife getting out and doing this rather than being stuck in with me.

During the last few months we have been arguing a lot about stuff and I have said a lot of hurtful things. Trouble is I could feel her pushing me away and affection was none.

I feel that me working from home and being in each other's pockets all day has killed our marriage.

She wants to separate and has totally disconnected from me. For the last few months she sleeps on the couch then comes to bed early hours.

Now she sleeps on the couch all night and has nothing to do with me.
We are just going to get through Xmas before breaking it to the kids.

I don't want it to end and now she has said she wants to separate,I took it badly and it hurt me.

I don't know how to leave. What about my kids I can't bare not being in our family home it's so heart breaking.

We never had many fiends or social life. I worked 12-14 hour days to give us money to pay bills and holidays and stuff so I neglected my marriage in the process.

I have made mistakes lately and realised she was slipping away and tried to get us close again by showing lots of love and affection but the damage was already done and she left me in her head months ago it would seem.

I tried the 180 on her, I started boxing yesterday then went to the cinema straight after. I had 11 missed calls and numerous texts asking where I was, I ignored them, when I returned home she was really chatty and nice to me.

Now today she is back to her distant sell and horrible attitude and tone to me.
It blew up again earlier with some blaming in each other so we have taken 10 steps back again.


I love her so much but she don't want it anymore.

I guess I will just have to move out.

mab,

Sounds very strongly that your W is a WW and she is in at least an emotional affair.

Has your W ever said "I love you but am not in love with you"

I would suspect it is someone at the gym, does she have a "trainer" ?

Although it seems like the fights start with you the dynamic here is that your W stopped giving you affection which lead to resentment on your part which then lead to your fighting with her.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes exactly that I love you but not in love with you,
She attends the gym every night with the same trainer for body pump and spin class.
He is married with 2 kids.
I suspected this but never found any proof.

Let's say that the sex at home increased.
I had a gut feeling something was going on and made her aware I knew something but I think I just pushed her away more.

I agree with Gamma, this story sounds all too familiar. You need to start snooping and see if she's having an affair.

Also, do not leave your home. She can ask you all she wants but it is an unreasonable request. And none of us are going to advise you to continue the 180, so I would suggest reading up on Plan A in the MB articles.

Also, do not accuse her of this or reveal your snooping while you're doing it. Lots of great resources on here that can help you find out. But if she finds out you are suspicious or onto her trail, she will take the affair underground or may even leave your house, as my wife did.

Be discreet.

Get proof of an affair and then come back here and we'll tell you what to do from there.

Well she keeps her phone always on her.
I went out in the car earlier and she came out of the house fast to get her bag which had her phone in it.

I said why you so protective of your phone she said she has convos of her friends on there she does not want me to read.

A. You need to snoop and find out who your wife has made a connection with. The gym is the obvious candidate as the 1st place to investigate.

Oh, but your wife would never cheat?

Baloney!!! Once they get emotionally and then physically invested in a new partner, you can do no right.

If you doubt me, then read through a dozen threads here, specifically looking for how Husbands are completely blindsided. It happens every time. Who is her new or reacquainted male gym friend?

But, you HAVE TO eliminate ALL Love Busters from your side of the street, no matter what she slings at or about you.

Has she become attached to her cell phone yet? If not, then when you have the 1st opportunity, install a Spyware software on it to see all texts, e-mails, photos and her contact list.

E-Blaster by Spectorsoft is one such software that is commonly referred.

You can very quickly check the cell phone itemized bill and look for patterns of frequent contact.

THEN..... And this is CRUCIAL. Do NOT let on to her about anything that you might find.

When you discover patterns and identify tbe perpetrator invading your marriage, then come back here and follow the stepd on how to expose it properly to crush it before it gets even more entrenched.

B. If you move out now, you might as well just give up on your marriage.

Dr. Harley has a very good article about, "Men, Don't Leave Your Home", which you should read.

Now, read through all of the Basic Concepts on this site and tbe free articles and learn how to properly prioritize your marriage.

Have Faith and follow the steps precisely.

LTL

I hear what your saying or could it just be that we have grown apart over the years and stopped caring about our marriage and then started hating each other causing the arguments v

You answered this while I was posting.

STOP asking questions or acting suspicious.

You need to let her feel she can put her guard down.

It's more than likely her trainer. They are Very Common Players, in a highly susceptible environment specifically geared towards admiring and providing your WW's (Wayward Wife's) needs.

LTL

Do you hate your wife? I'm going to guess you don't because you're here trying to save your marriage.

I've been in your shoes, thinking my wife's sudden urge to get a divorce was my fault and I somehow made her so angry that she couldn't tolerate me.

But it wasn't true. And she would have gone to court and divorced me already without saying a word about her affair if I hadn't uncovered it myself. She had no intention of telling me, most WWs don't.

You HAVE to at least snoop to find out if there's an affair. And do so discreetly. If you come back empty handed and it's really about you and not some other man, then we can help you with that too.

But none of the medicine for winning her back if she's "just angry" at you will work if she's having an affair. It's like getting a biopsy to figure out if it's cancer or just a cyst. One problem is much more serious than the other. Gotta find out if it's an affair first.

Like LTL just said, don't say anything more like this. Get the info in a discreet fashion.

I have been tracking her with find my iPhone app and she is always where she says she is. I don't believe she is meeting anyone.

Unless it's happening in the gym but surely there are other people around.

NO.

If people feel like they are growing apart, they attempt to rengage, unless someone else is in the picture.

Uncloud your thinking.

Seriously, you know the least about affairs and how they begin and how the WS, (Wayward Spouse), acts while being involved.

Just accept everyones accurate observations as truth.

Also, the BullSheet 180 Plan does more to Distance the couple than to rengage them. It has some valid points, but the concept is completely flawed when it comes to affairs.

If you are trying to pick points from 2 different programs and combine them, then it will be a surefire path to marital destruction.

Oh..... By the way. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!!

LTL

Duh!!!

Doesn't she meet her trainer EVERY SINGLE TIME AT THE GYM?

I told you that you are the blindest voice on there is topic.

Each of those other guys pisting have recently gone through near identical situations with their WW's.

This is not our 1st rodeo. Anyone who reads these marriage/infidelity forums can spot an affair in a few acute observation that you won't allow yourself to recognize due to Denial and other Rationalizations.

LTL

She says she is fed up with me taking to her like crap and making comments about her.

I know this but I feel I have been pushed away and left with insecurities from her behaviour also, which led to arguments more and accusations being made.

The gym buddies are going out at the end of January for a night out. I said she couldn't go as we need to save for our trip to America in May we have purchased. I get the feeling she wants to be able to do what she wants without anyone saying differently.

If there is not an affair yet I believe that with be the night they come together.

Once you accept the reality of the situation, click the "Notify" button at the bottom of the posting box to contact a Forum Moderator who should be asked to move your topic thread into the SAA, (Surviving An Affair), subforum.

These boards may not be heavily populated for the next few days due to tge Christmas Holiday and the upcoming weekend, but be patient. Some posters will respond.

LTL

Rule # 1:
Don't believe ANYTHING a Wayward says.

Don't bother with ANY Relationship discussions AT ALL. They will just push her farther away and force her hand in digging in her heels more firy against you.

You are the ENEMY of her Affair and her Fantasy envisioned new life.

ALSO. Read the article about Love Busters..... NOW!!!

You must STOP ALL ARGUMENTS. NOW. THIS MINUTE.

After you read and relate to the Love Busters information on this site, then order the 2 Books, Surviving An Affair and Love Busters.

Don't even bother about what she is going to be planning to do a Month from now. You are not dealing with the present.

LTL

Also, if SHE wants to separate, then Man Up and Stand Your Ground.

The children STAY in THEIR Family Home.

If SHE wants to leave, that will make the affair more difficult due to her self imposed consequences.

Do not argue. Do not debate. Just say, No, we can work together to build our marriage better than it ever has been. Then, ask her if she wants a sandwich or a cup of hot chocolate.

NEVER get drawn into an arguement. That stops yesterday!!!

LTL

So I should stop the going out and disappearing act of the 180 then and just speak to her nicely and help out ?

How can you show and implement changes if you are not there?

The 180 you referred to wants you to look like you can get along without her, and while you should remain upbeat, strong and desireable, that can better be displayed in front of her. You do NOT want to appear weak and on the pity pot and if you get struck by the Infidelity Diet and stop eating, start losing sleep and get all depressed, you will absolutely Not look as an attractive option.

You need to READ the information on this site and order those 2 books. It will cut down your learning curve immensely.

LTL