To learn how to change your behavior from an Act to Actu as l changes, you need to read up on as plan A.

In the SAA subforum, the top Sticky Post says, Read This First. Do that. Read about the Carrot and Stick of Plan A thread link.

Plan A does Not mean becoming a Doormat or allowing the Affair to go unchallenged. It also does not require meanness or revenge.

Read and learn.

Put in your spying techniques.

Get the Truth and Answers before she hides things too deep.

LTL

I told her earlier I am going nowhere I that if she wants out she should leave and file for divorce she said she going nowhere and that she not thought that far ahead yet.

mab,

You wrote, Unless it's happening in the gym but surely there are other people around.

My experience with "trainers" is that they are often untrained egotists who believe their own healthy physique somehow qualifies them to train others. They work for fly by night companies which come and go and often appear to constantly be on the make for new female recruits.

I would also suspect you are dealing with a serial cheater here who uses his profession to go from one woman to the next so he is well practiced and knows how to avoid detection.

Do not let on to anyone, especially your wife, that you are gathering data. They will try to spin a story that you are a crazy jealous husband. If you get evidence present it to OMW, other mans wife, before you confront OM. Do you have access to the cell phone bill?

Put a voice activated recorder in her car, hire a PI to observe their interactions at the gym, if you have a friend who goes to the gym perhaps he can spy for you.

God Bless
Gamma

You don't discuss divorcen

Waywards are lazy. They threaten, but don't follow through.

Good for you claiming your homestead, but don't get pulled into a Divorce discussion again.

Bring up something different and fun. Yes, she will say you are ignoring it, but just tell her you are willing to give her the marriage you both deserve. If she presses on about divorce, just politely smile and tell her lawyers can talk about that. You are very willing to discuss improving the marriage.

Did you Read the topics that were suggested yet?

It's Your Marriage.

LTL

I thought of joining her gym. She starts a job on Monday so I will have all day without her.

This guy does some daytime classes, maybe him seeing me there and knowing who I am might have an affect ?

Tbh I don't think this guy is after her as such I believe it's just my wife has a wide on for him

mab,

At this point assume nothing, this OM may just be a smooth operator, make no assumptions and do your spying.

There is no point in confronting this OM until you have the goods on him. When you do put the OM on cheaterville, expose him to everyone in his life, get him fired from the gym etc.

The one thing you do not want to do is drive the relationship deep underground where it can smoulder for years.

God Bless
Gamma

I have found the program teensafe which looks a good spying program

Hi mab, welcome to Marriage Builders. WE can help you save your marriage if you have the ability to follow a plan. If you can follow the plan, you have a great chance at saving your marriage.

Your wife is having an affair and if you can kill it, you will have a chance at saving your marriage.

You do have some bad ideas about marriage in general and I can address those too, but the most concerning thing you have said is that you are using the "180 plan." This plan is a disaster because FURTHERS the emotional detachment in your marriage. Your marriage is almost dead because of detachment. MORE detachment will not be the solution. She needs to see you as the most attractive option. Being detached does not make you attractive.

Women don't separate for these reasons, though. They stay and try to fix the marriage. And they don't say "I love you but am not in love with you" unless they have a new point of comparison.

Your wife is having an affair. I am sorry.

Lots of people have affairs at gyms. And at the office. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to hide an affair.

It's a good spyware, but I can't state if it operates in Stealth Mode.

You do not want your WW to know you are spying, otherwise she will find alternative means of contact.

LTL

voice activated digital voice recorder velcro tapped under the driver's seat in her car. You'll catch her cell phone conversations with OM and/or her girlfriends and get all the info you need.

Do not let on that you are spying or even suspicious.

Do not confront her immediately with the tiniest bit of confirmation you achieve with the recorder.

The wall of denial you are attempting to climb is high. Just one piece of evidence, isn't always enough to surmount it. She will claim she KNEW she was being spied on and was testing you or something stupid like that. She knows what she is doing but getting enough evidence means you can convince her that YOU know exactly what she is up to, who is involved and who is enabling her (which friends you'll need to cut out) and trying to sneak around won't work.

Oh...and if you are posting on another forum. STOP.

The 180 plan is a trick plan designed to make your eventually divorce less emotionally taxing on you because you start detaching right away. It will only save your marriage by accident, if ever and merely serves to confirm for your wayward wife that you don't really care all that much about her. Not to mention it is an abandonment of your vows to love, honor, cherish and protect your wife.

Your wife is in a dangerous situation and predicament. She needs you to stop fearing her reactions and making her angry and start standing up for your marriage and family. This isn't going to be easy but the courage is found in the doing.

You will make it.

Mr. W

My wife was extremely protective of her phone after her affair started. I look back on it now as obvious evidence of the affair. I continually made the mistake of trusting her for no good reason other than that she was my wife.

The 2 books that were recommended to you will be incredibly helpful.

well i installed teensafe and downloaded all the data of calls messages deleted messages and there is nothing there at all.

maybe we just did grow apart over the years and with my abuse at her she has just had enough.
my sex drive as always been higher than hers and my needs have always been more.


I made it very clear I am going to make this marriage better she wants no part of it and that I should do the right thing and leave.

I'm going no where I work from home my business is established here if she wants out she needs to go, I'm staying and will fight this.

You might put a voice activated recorder in her car and think of other ways to spy on her. She is having an affair and the longer you take to bring it out, the more entrenched it will become.

I don't think she is though. She never just goes out anywhere and I have tracked her. She only goes the gym and town centre I track her with the app.

Gym has finished until after Xmas and she has no plans to go out either.

If she was having an affair she would be making excuses to get out

I disagree. For all you know, her boyfriend is out of town with his family for Christmas. Her behavior indicates an affair and there are many reasons she wouldn't be making excuses to get out. You need to stay on this and do a better job of snooping.

"maybe we just did grow apart over the years and with my abuse at her she has just had enough.
my sex drive as always been higher than hers and my needs have always been more."

Women don't separate over this. They do separate over an affair, though.