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We are both home and mutually agree to work on the marriage. My struggle now is the mood swings which I am trying not to react to each time. Loving one hour and icy cold the next. It has now been exactly one month since D-Day. She's in our bedroom, I'm in the guest bedroom. She knows I want us back in the same bed but she won't have it for now.
Typical? I'd have to guess yes since it's so early.
Also, she says it's over with OM and I have no proof to suggest otherwise. I do have OM's phone number and was given some advice today to send a simple text stating not to contact my wife again. Good idea? I would leave any threats out of the message for fear of evidence. Has she written OM a no contact letter? Yes but he kept trying to contact her and eventually she responded, although she claims it was innocent.
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What snooping techniques have you implemented to find out the truth?
A VAR attached with Velcro under her car seat?
A VAR in the bedroom where she can talk and text privately?
Computer keylogging software on the home computer?
A SIM Card Reader to pick up deleted texts?
Spyware on her cell phone?
A GPS Tracking device on her car?
Only then will you know if she has truly gone No Contact. You already have admission of ONE contact. It's probably been much moren. If a Wayward says 1 or 2 times, it means plenty more.
Have you exposed to both his and hers/your family and friends requesting help? You already have her admission. Maybe you should get advice on How Much Evidence You Need.
LTL
Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 12/23/14 11:22 PM.
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SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP- gather your evidence, then expose
Since you haven't exposed you are crippled with fear, doubt and pain.
She is having mood swings because of- 1. she is in withdrawl(doubtful), 2. She is still in contact and sometimes getting her fix
You moving back in has cramped her affair and she doesn't like it.
The VAR in the car is how I finally confirmed by ex's disgusting affair.
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SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP- gather your evidence, then expose
Since you haven't exposed you are crippled with fear, doubt and pain.
She is having mood swings because of- 1. she is in withdrawl(doubtful), 2. She is still in contact and sometimes getting her fix
You moving back in has cramped her affair and she doesn't like it.
The VAR in the car is how I finally confirmed by ex's disgusting affair. Exposure already completed. What is a VAR?
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Voice activated recorder, smaller than a cell phone and about $60
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Voice activated recorder.
You have been a caretaker to your wife in terms of being a provider for your family.
These days you need to put on your armor and be a defender/warrior to your marriage. This is your calling right now.
Check out the Operation Investigate forum. The intel you are going to gather with stealth devices will help you know who, what where and how your marriage is being attacked. You cannot get this information from your wife.
Don't worry about the 'why's' coming from your wife. Right now she is keeping her options open while she see's how things go with you. Its this act of leaving her options open and giving you half truths that will NOT allow your marriage to go forward. She's not going to help create an environment that will encourage you. Intentions are not the same as actions.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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You were never clear about your exposure, - did you expose to your family, her family, parents, clergy, other circle of friends, etc. You only talked about the neighborhood exposure.
Sure appears to me that she has not cut off contact, it may have gone underground(burner phone, secret email acct., chat app, etc)
You need to SNOOP.
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You were never clear about your exposure, - did you expose to your family, her family, parents, clergy, other circle of friends, etc. You only talked about the neighborhood exposure.
Sure appears to me that she has not cut off contact, it may have gone underground(burner phone, secret email acct., chat app, etc)
You need to SNOOP. YES - exposed in all the ways you mention above.
Last edited by PeteF; 12/24/14 10:39 AM.
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I want to move past the OM and exposure for a minute. I'm snooping, have exposed, but no evidence to be found. Have to assume the best until I find something. So for the time being...
...again, a month after D-Day, living in same house (separate bedrooms) and are working to rebuild. Two kids in diapers. How long can I expect this hot/cold treatment to last? If her connection with me was lost steadily over the past year and she had an emotional connection to the OM, I get that it will be hard to reconnect immediately with me (I don't AGREE with it, but I have to ACCEPT it). I am eliminating the LBs and working to meet her ENs which she has identified.
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There is no formula to determine duration of the wayward fog or withdrawl, other than it will never disapate as long as she has contact(hence the need to snoop and/or transparency).
She appears to not be serious about working on the rebuild with the threats, separate bedrooms, forcing you to leave, etc - those all smell like ON GOING CONTACT.
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There is no formula to determine duration of the wayward fog or withdrawl, other than it will never disapate as long as she has contact(hence the need to snoop and/or transparency).
She appears to not be serious about working on the rebuild with the threats, separate bedrooms, forcing you to leave, etc - those all smell like ON GOING CONTACT. She never forced me to leave. She said she would leave with the kids, and I said I'd go in an effort to keep the kids in the house. Mistake in hindsight, and I have returned home not to leave again. The bedroom thing started a while back - before the affair, she got in the habit of getting up in the night with our infant and soothing her in the guest bedroom, then falling asleep. She was then, like now, a stay at home mom and I was working so she always said "you need a good night's sleep." At the time I appreciated it, but this REALLY hurt the relationship and contributed to the enabling of the affair. Should have put a stop to it. I do think that for us to just hop back in the same bed after the storm of emotions from the past month is unrealistic. I am steadily working to make this a reality again.
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What sort of snooping methods are you using?
You are demonstrating betrayal blindness. This means the betrayal is right directly in front of you---- but you still can't see. In other words you are yet in a betrayal fog. Here's what you need to do:
1. Plan A your wife.
2. Ignore her fog babble.
3. No LB-ers
4. Snoop with devices i.e. VAR in car and bedroom, GPS in car, key logger on computer and so on.
5. come here w/evidence and we'll help you.
6. Listen to MB radio together everyday.
7. Have your wife write and (you send after your approval) a no-contact letter to other man. See MelodyLane's postings for examples.
This is what a modern warrior does to actively defend his borders and boundaries.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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What sort of snooping methods are you using?
You are demonstrating betrayal blindness. This means the betrayal is right directly in front of you---- but you still can't see. In other words you are yet in a betrayal fog. Here's what you need to do:
1. Plan A your wife.
2. Ignore her fog babble.
3. No LB-ers
4. Snoop with devices i.e. VAR in car and bedroom, GPS in car, key logger on computer and so on.
5. come here w/evidence and we'll help you.
6. Listen to MB radio together everyday.
7. Have your wife write and (you send after your approval) a no-contact letter to other man. See MelodyLane's postings for examples.
This is what a modern warrior does to actively defend his borders and boundaries. Where can I find info on how to Plan A my wife?
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Did you read the "Start Here First" thread?
It's stuck at the top of the Surviving an Affair forum list. Great info.
"The Carrot and Stick of Plan A" thread is pretty good.
Did you read the book "Surviving an Affair"?
Also, brainstorm ideas and ask this forum for advice,
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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She's gone. Took the kids and left while I was out of the house temporarily. Prepared to call my lawyer if I can't see the kids over the weekend.
She's lost. Told her she needs to seek counseling today. I myself am tired of working on the relationship alone.
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She's gone. Took the kids and left while I was out of the house temporarily. Prepared to call my lawyer if I can't see the kids over the weekend.
She's lost. Told her she needs to seek counseling today. I myself am tired of working on the relationship alone. Why were you out of the house?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Just hang tight and don't panic! She is testing you to see if she can run you out of the house again. Hold your ground and wait for her to come home.. Don't make any agreements to leave again. She will get homesick and come home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's gone. Took the kids and left while I was out of the house temporarily. Prepared to call my lawyer if I can't see the kids over the weekend.
She's lost. Told her she needs to seek counseling today. I myself am tired of working on the relationship alone. Why would you not call your lawyer anyway? That might be a dumb question, maybe I'm missing something.
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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She's gone. Took the kids and left while I was out of the house temporarily. Prepared to call my lawyer if I can't see the kids over the weekend.
She's lost. Told her she needs to seek counseling today. I myself am tired of working on the relationship alone. This does not sound like you were running an errand. Did you leave to Give Her Space again? LTL
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