It's not for severe depression. They have some meds that will just help keep you calm when you're making decisions like this. I don't have a doctor, either. I just made an appointment with one I found in the phone book. He prescribed the meds when I told him what was going on.

Others will have better advice for you. I was just concerned because of the tone of your post. I wish I had some advice for you, but alas, I'm in the same predicament, and who knows where I'll end up?

I think I have a good understanding of how you feel Billman. My WW is unbelievably cruel to me. I have been on anti-depressants for almost three months now. I was never at a point where I was hiding in the bedroom with the lights off, drinking hard liquor, and learning how to tie a noose.

The ADs have been a big help. Forget any stigma you think they carry with them. In your situation, anybody should get help. Don't make things harder than they have to be. ADs are a tool to help you through depression just like a screw driver is a tool to help you turn screws. Sure you could probably figure out some other way to turn a screw but why not just use the screwdriver?

@face1 are you trying to say that Plan B is a bad idea and I need to try and keep going with Plan A? It is so hard to have any kind of normalcy while talking to her. Here is a simple text convo we had today:

Me: I would like to see our kids tomorrow between 10am and 2pm

her: you had a conversation with our daughter the other day that upset her and I'm just supposed to say ok yeah you can take the kids ...You are either in their life the right was or not at all.

(the conversation was my daughter asking me questions and me giving her honest, vague answers)

Me: I understand. I would like to see our kids tomorrow between 10am and 2pm


This is what I mean. Simple questions turn into huge things. I try not to let them, but I cannot stand this....hatred. I have done nothing but be nice, and she is so cruel - I cannot even understand where it comes from.I seriously just don't even want to talk to her.

I was just trying to point out that using ADs doesn't mean you're crazy or suicidal.

As far as plan A or plan B, it is up to you how much crap you can really put up with before needing plan B.

I can tell you that the text exchange you just posted is very similar to communications I have had with my WW.

My WW has convinced the stepson that I raised like he was my own for 6 years to openly say he hates me. The boy is 12 now. She has made him believe that I have done a terrible thing to OM for exposing the A. The other night, she screamed at me over the phone and told me that I am a terrible person and I have only become worse since Dday. 2 months ago, she called the police on me and pretended to be scared of me in an attempt to get me arrested(she has tried this 3 times in total). All I really had done was ask her calmly to show me a doctor's note. The next day she filed an order for protection citing zero incidents of threats or violence and I was removed from my home and stripped of my 2nd amendment rights without due process. She actually told the police that she was frightened of "a look in my eyes"(HA!, WTF!).

WW will say and do anything to protect her affair. It is her addiction. I know it is hard to hear this kind of cruelty from your own wife but remember, this is not your wife. It is WW, a wayward who has been possessed by aliens. Occasionally you may see your wife through the wayward fog but for the most part, you will only see WW. If you can keep in mind that her cruelty comes from her desperation to hold on to her fantasy life with OM you should be able to let her hurtful comments roll off of you like water off a ducks back.

Don't get sucked in to her accusations. Sometimes the truth is upsetting and sometimes you have to tell people(even your kids) things that upset them. You know this and so does WW. She is only saying things like this to hurt you and justify her affair. Don't let her convince you of her foggy reality. She is in no position to tell you how to behave or what to believe.

Don't worry about what she says. Don't let her negative crap pull you in with it. Stay above it man. You are not what she says you are.

On another note, I think you did well by not responding to her threatening to keep you out of your kids lives. It would have been easy to contradict her or argue with her after that text.

I thank you for that, it means quite a bit.

OMG yes, i was SO ready to reply with - and having an affair and breaking up a family is "the right thing to do" - what a good mommy - and so much a better parent than I.

But I knew not only was that the wrong thing to say, but also she would just come back argumentative, and get defensive and blah blah..i bit my tongue because I love her and accept her....childish reality...well not accept - it is disgusting, but I understand it...too much i am afraid.

That's what kills me. All the hope knowing she is in a pool of crap and calls it silk, knowing that there is a fair chance she will recognize it as crap someday - and finally wake up. But holding this hope is killing my soul.

Keep your head up. WW cannot define who you are. That is entirely up to you. With her or without her.

Don't forget that self-care is part of plan A.

I should point out that I am not superman. During the terrible circumstances I described I was up and down with hope and whether or not I was willing to hold on to it. Don't be surprised if interactions with WW push you along the "emotional roller-coaster"(cliche but what the hell).

It has taken me a while to easily take the insults and brush them off. At this point I find myself holding back laughter at my WW's inconsistency and hypocrisy. Sometimes it still gets to me though.

Another cliche: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If WW never recognizes the crap she is swimming in, how much stronger will you be for having fought through her crap and trying to save her even while she only tried to pull you under?

In the case she drowns in her crap and never helps you pull her out. You can escape it. She cannot.

Agreed with all of this. While my situation hasn't been as severe and painful as most BH's on the board right now, I can definitely say that having her around can, at times, be worse than having her not in the house. Having to see and face what's happening all the time I'm home, being open to her "barbs" many hours of the day can be quite painful, and there are times I find myself driving to work with a few tears in my eyes.

I haven't gotten ADs yet, but I have taken some supplements that in a lot of studies have shown to be effective at helping raise mood. Some days I can tell when it's been too many hours since I took some, and lately I've had to take less. Exercise, and talking with friends, family, and a few co-workers has helped tremendously too. My cell phone expense in December was not pretty.

With practice, I've also found it easier to ignore WW snipes at me, almost instantly reminding myself: 1) it's not really her saying those things; 2) her opinion will eventually change as the affair ends and fog lifts OR I won't care at that point, if, for example, she doesn't want to spend time with my family or friends, as I won't want her too.

Definitely a "roller coaster", even sometimes minute-to-minute.

I'm glad you mentioned exercise pm.

I exercise all the time and I forget how much it helps. If I wasn't doing it I would have probably lost my mind by now.

This was the text I got this morning in response to my wanting to see the kids:

"You can call them today, I don't trust you and you haven't given me any reason to trust you. This whole situation all you did was focus on me and not the kids. You should have been there for them the way a father is suppose to be, and if you were emotionally incapable if doing that then you should have worked on yourself first and communicated that to me I would have understood."

She is right that I had focused on her quite a bit. But within the past month this is not true. And as far as her "understandong" she is incapable. I have tried time and time again to explain...anything.

I did not reply to this text. Because what I would want to say would be wrong.

Vague is not being honest.

I understand. But too much honesty for my 10 year old scares me a bit.

I forget your situation, you seeing your kids should not be optional or at her discretion.
She is punishing you and using the kids as a lever/weapon against you.
This is despicable and you should not tolerate it. Your kids need their father.

What, if anything has been signed by a judge in regards to custody/visitation? If nothing, it is past time to consult an attorney.

I agree. Looking into that right now as a matter of fact.

I hate to say it but I will...your response would have ticked off ANY mother. It appears dismissive of your child's upset.

After years of dismissing your wife, she doesn't want you doing that to DD. You may see her behavior as cruel but I see her being protective of DD.

Perhaps your vague answers upset your daughter. Whatever happened...think about her instead of yourself.

What were the questions, and what were the honest, vague answers?

Why is mommy so mad at you?
Because I made lots of mistakes with her and you kids during our marriage.

Mommy said this was your fault and I don't know what side to choose.
You don't have to choose, you say and do what you feel.

Is it all your fault?
No, but mommy and I have to find our own faults, I cannot point out hers regardless that she points out mine.

Mommy's friend makes her happy and I want to meet him.
I don't think that is a good idea and I will tell mommy that. He is hurting our family and not being a good friend.


These are just some of the things mentioned. I cannot remember them all. WW said that my D was upset by what I had said, but I have not heard from my D at all so I have no idea what she is really feeling. I could guess but I am not good at that.

The reason I said vague, is because I could have answered much more, but I do not know how much she can handle, or what mommy has already told her.

Are there any good books I can get that will better equip me to speaking to my children about this situation.

I think your wife is trying to manipulate you when she says that, my $.02. You've made your own mistakes but she's no angel either or else she wouldn't be wayward. Reasons but no excuses for an affair.

Keep working on eliminating LBs but don't accept responsibility for her choices. And I don't think your response to WW was overly dismissive, her talk was fog babble. Maybe add "I'm sorry, I didn't realize she was upset", but honestly I think your wife is lying when she says that.