Hello,

Been with my wife 8 years, married 4. We have one child each from previous relationships. Her daughter is 9,mine is 11. Both our kids consider us their "mommy and daddy" despite having another set of parents each. Anyway, I discovered an affair my wife was having with one of my best friends about 3 weeks ago. The affair was emotional at first but has been physical for the last 8 months. I asked for all the details on the affair and she provided them and agreed to end contact and go for counseling. We are in counseling now, our counselor uses gottman method. The reason for her affair was lack of emotional support from me and lack of romance in the relationship. I have begun making drastic changes and we talk about everything now. However, she gives me no affection, none. Wont tell me she loves me, and has said several times she is not sure she made the right choice to try and work things out with me. The only positive I have is that she has said a couple of times that she "hopes" we work out. I still tell her I love her and I do, with every bit of my being. But the coldness she shows to me now is difficult to deal with and I wonder if its not better just to end it and move on. I feel so empty inside most of the time and I have become obsessed with making her happy but it seems to go mostly unnoticed.

Thoughts?

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.

I'm not familiar with the Gottman method. Could you give me a summary, please? What is the goal of the method, and what are the strategies?

**EDIT**
Pretty much covers gottman method.

I'd appreciate if you would summarise how your therapist is putting this into practice, if you wouldn't mind. What is he or she making you do each week, and what is the end goal?

Hi DSM, welcome to Marriage Builders. Marriage Builders is a radically different program from Gottman's. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity and he does not endorse Gottman's program. Dr Harley has a step by step program with the goal of a) affair proofing your marriage and b) creating romantic love. The purpose is to create a romantic marriage that was better than your pre-affair marriage. If you are here to learn about Marriage Builders, we can help you with that, but you won't get far mixing programs and cherry picking elements.

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That is the reason the affair was tempting. The CAUSE was her poor boundaries. Not sure what "emotional support" means, but you could have been meeting her needs 100% and she still would have had an affair if she has poor boundaries around men. She allowed another man to meet her needs. She very probably has opposite sex friendships and allows other men to meet her needs. Unless that is addressed and corrected, you will have more affairs in your future.

Additionally, Dr Harley actually BELIEVES in romantic love [I believe Gottman says it is unrealistic] and has a step by step plan to create it.

Here is Dr Harley's checklist for first steps after an affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Is the OM married?

Have you been tested for STDs?