How did they contact each other to set up this meeting? You said in an earlier post that you have spyware on everything she owns. Therefore, either she has a secret phone that you have not yet discovered, or, if she is back at work, she is contacting him via work.

What, exactly, do you have spyware on?

There is no point asking questions such as "do you have anything to tell me". She is not going to confess to the meeting simply because you ask this, and since she has been lying to you throughout this lengthy affair, she is accomplished at that and will not "act guilty", either. All you will do by questioning her soon after she met her boyfriend is make her worry that you have found something out, and make her wonder what your source could be. All you'd be doing is tipping her off that you are on to her. Please do not do this.

The reason for hiring a PI is that her stopping at a park is not evidence of the kind that would convince a jury that she met him - and that is what you need, if you are either to tell his wife or report him to his police employers, and also if you feel that you have had enough of this and want to leave.

I'm not recommending leaving, because you have a young child to protect, but the point I'm making is that you cannot take any game-changing actions on the basis of that GPS. It is not enough. if it had shown her going to his police station or the street where he lives, that would be more convincing, but a park is not convincing evidence of anything. All she has to say is that she stopped for a breath of fresh air, and you would not be able to prove her wrong.

Yes, you have more than enough evidence from the mountain of text messages that there was an affair until recently, but you have accepted that the affair happened, and you have stayed with your wife despite it, and have been working on the basis that that is over. For you to act on the basis that you were wrong and the affair is still on, you need evidence from today - not text messages from the past year.

Of course, you and all of us on this forum know that she is continuing the affair. Several of us told you that she would when you first came here, so this is no surprise to us. But the GPS data is not proper evidence and you cannot take any action on the basis of it. She has a hidden means of contacting this man, and she has probably done so more than you realise during the past week. Save yourself a lot of hassle and take MelodyLane's advice: hire a PI and get the evidence you need within two days. This is no time for trying to call her bluff. She has a great poker face, as you well know now.

Make plans to move away, now. You can surely see why we said this right away; if you stay where you live now, your wife will meet him whenever she can, because she is addicted to him. She needs to give up work and move away with you, and if she does not agree to do this, I don't have any hope that you will break this affair.

EH,

I think the reason the OMW does not want you to contact her is that the OMW was the OW who broke up OMs first marriage.

OMs first wife may be able to give you valuable intel.

Is there an internal affairs division in OMs police department, you may want to bring this issue before the town council. Frankly put up posters detailing his activities to

God Bless
Gamma

Here Private Investigators

I think many of us are confused.
You said you exposed far and wide to family, OM family, OM work, friends. True or not?
Who did you NOT expose to?

She agreed to extraordinary precautions list (not exposure list)? Has she implemented them all? True or not? (all email, passwords, social media, phone numbers changed or turned off, and the rest of the list)

You said you sent the no contact letter she wrote and showed you. True or not?

Remember actions!
I warned you about her giving you lip service to get you to back off. If she is not acting depressed and/or angry then I would suspect full contact is still going on.

I would keep snooping and Plan A. You need to project a confident and no attitude disposition. Don't get angry.

If she refuses to act then you have a choice, either keep plan A or move to plan B.

How are things going EH?

Have you found out anything else on your own, or is your WW still gaslighting you?

LTL

I laid off of here for a bit so I could re-focus. I had become ultra paranoid (rightfully so) and needed to get a grip on myself so I could more accurately assess the situation. Since my last post my snooping has not revealed any evidence that they are in contact any longer. I've searched high and low for a burner phone but have found none. There is no evidence in email, phone or computing device that they have been in contact since the day of the exposure. I know there's no way to be 100% certain, but I have been on her like a hawk nights and weekends and track her every move when she is driving. I may have been wrong that she saw him en route to work on 2/5 as I initially posted. I can't be sure of that, though If contact did happen, it was 5 minutes at most. She has taken that exact route to work every day since, and not stopped at the spot I had suspected contact. According to GPS, she is going only where she says she is going. I also have a local police officer friend and neighbors watching my home when she is there and I am not.

She's been incredibly depressed for the last three weeks. I catch her crying now and then, especially at night, though she tries hard to hide it. She was previously very dedicated to exercise and health. She stopped exercising almost completely and is not eating much. I am trying to help her with that. I certainly don't want her to come to physical harm.

She's broken down to me several times and has told me OM bailed on her when I exposed and she believes I now intend to blind side her with a divorce and take our child. She has nowhere to go and almost no money without me, even with the new job, and that has her very worried. She knows I don't believe her yet, but she doesn't know how to prove that she's not seeing him because she has no way of producing evidence that she's not. I told her she doesn't have to worry about being blind sided as long as she never sees or speaks to him again, and left it at that.

She's hasn't gotten through the whole list yet, but she is giving me full disclosure of her destinations, which GPS has confirmed 100%. I have full access to her phone, email and social media and have found nothing. She is avoiding the areas and people I have asked her to avoid. She is making an effort to spend more time with me and swears she wants to attempt to rebuild, though she doesn't know if it's possible after all she's done to me.

She has made no requests to go out alone with friends or make strange random trips for no apparent reason. She says she understands that she can't do any of that until my trust in her is restored.

I am not completely convinced, and may never be. There will always be a way for them to contact one another without my knowing, and I can't prevent that. However, I am starting to believe her, based on her change in behavior and attitude compared to when I first caught her and prior to exposure. That being said, I don't intend on suspending my snooping.

I suppose all I can do now is continue to monitor, ask her to complete the list, and help her recover from her depression. I'm trying to show her that I still love her and do not intend to leave her. I make an effort to hug and kiss her every day and to compliment her whenever possible, and she does the same when she sees I am suffering. I don't know how much good it's doing her, but I can't imagine abandoning her to her depression would be a better course of action.

EH

Hi Eddie, thanks for the update. It certainly sounds like things are moving in the right direction. A couple of observations. Has she changed her contact information so the OM CAN'T reach her even if he wanted to? Do you have spyware on her phone so you can see every thing she does?

The above comment concerns me greatly because the logic is backwards. You should not trust her *IF* she goes out alone with friends or makes strange, random trips for no apparent reason. That is not how people in solid, romantic, integrated marriages behave. That is untrustworthy behavior. Do you see what I mean?

If she wants to earn your trust, she shouldn't do any of that.


She is away from you on nights and weekends? Why is that?

In order to recover your marriage is it CRITICAL that you and your wife create an integrated, romantic marriage using these concepts. If you don't, you will end up in a crippled version of the pre affair marriage and will be more vulnerable to an affair. The most important step in creating romantic love is scheduling 20-25 hours per week of undivided attention time [4 - 4 hour dates] meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

If you don't do that, I predict you will be back here in 2-3 years to tell us about another affair.

Did you expose beyond the OM's work and BW? Do your families know of the affair?

to clarify:

We spend more than 20-25 hours together a week. We are never apart on nights and weekends. We haven't been apart at all except for when I or she is at work. It has been that way since I first found out over a month ago, save for one night early on. I discovered she was out with him that night and confronted her when she got home. That was a week before I exposed, as I was still in the information gathering stage. Since that night she hasn't asked to go anywhere or do anything without me aside from normal daily tasks when I am at work, and GPS has confirmed every time that she always goes where she says shes going. If her plans at change at all during the day, she tells me.

Where do you go on your dates?

yes. full exposure to all of OM and OMW facebook friends and all of my and her friends and family, plus OM employer. some of OM friends and family already knew of it. I believe full exposure is why she's paranoid I'm going to blind side her with divorce. She's convinced I did it out of vengeance. She was initially furious, as expected, because we had at one point discussed and agreed not to tell people. That was before I caught her seeing him for the third time after i found out.

Her anger didn't last as long as I expected. I think maybe she toned down her anger quickly with the intention to get me to back off so she could attempt to see him again, but with everyone knowing I think she may have found it was more work that it was worth, and she now had no option but to try and work things out. At least that's my best guess.

Since then she's been depressed and doesn't trust that I have true intentions to save this marriage.

OM and OMW want nothing to do with me as a result. Fine with me.

Most people are avoiding us right now. Some are supportive, some aren't, and some think I've gone mad with jealously. my closest friends and family are contacting me regularly to see how I'm doing. My family in general is angry but backs me 100% in my desire to attempt to rebuild. They have promised not to abandon us and work towards forgiveness. In time, I hope that happens. Her family seems sympathetic but very much embarrassed and concerned for the fuutre their daughter and granddaughter. They are not people who often share their emotions, so they are difficult to guage. I do think they understand that telling them was the right thing to do on the road to recovery.

Glad to read that you exposed to all. Given that OM lives in the next town over, I recommend you put a keylogger on her phone/computer if you haven't already done so. Has she changed her phone # and email?

yes to all except keylogger on phone. I'm still trying to figure out how to get access to it long enough to install one without her knowing. she permits me to see it whenever I ask, but I know that really doesn't mean much because all correspondence can be deleted by her.

Eddie,

Did you take it further up the chain of command in the police force or try to bring political pressure from the city council? It would help if you were able to force OM to move away.

Did you get a polygraph for your WW or DNA testing?

God Bless
Gamma

So she's changed all her contact information, correct?

Did she write a NC letter?

Yes to both. But to be perfectly honest, items on the exposure list do very little to convince me that they cannot contact one another if they really want to. I know that they can reach each other in a number of ways without my knowing. That will always be the case. Yes I have made it far more difficult, but I'll never be able to make it impossible.

To be honest, I'm growing weary of all this snooping and paranoia. I'm not going to stop, but it's starting to consume my life. It will never provide me with sufficient evidence that the affair is over. The only thing it may one day reveal is that the affair is still ongoing after all the great lengths I've gone to end it. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. Moving would have helped, but it's not an option. In order to be confident they could never meet, I'd have to move far away. I'm not taking my daughter away from her extended family. They are a very active part of our lives, and she needs them. My daughter doesn't deserve that, my family doesn't deserve that and I don't deserve that.

I need to focus on my daughter, my job, and trying to rebuild this marriage, but I can't focus on anything except where my wife is going and what she's doing, especially when I'm at work or home watching the baby while she's at work or running an errand. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to track my spouse for the rest of our lives. That is not healthy and does not build trust. At some point I have to accept that the affair is over, but to do that I'll have to rely on the word and actions of someone I cannot trust, instead of hard evidence.

In the meantime, I don't know where to go next. WW says she loves me, but is not in love me right now. She does not want me right now. She doesn't trust me right now. We do have times of happiness together, but there is almost no physical affection coming my way. At best, I'll get a hug or kiss on the cheek when she can sense that I'm upset. I have gone without real love for almost a year and a half now, so you'd think I'd be used to it, but for whatever reason it's harder to deal with now. Maybe that's because I've abandoned all the things I was using to fill that void. Maybe I was hoping this would affect change. It has in that she is spending more time with me, but not to the degree that I'd hoped. I still feel that she is staying because she has to, not because she wants to, and is just "making the best of it".

For my part, I feel I'm doing everything I can. I'm reading the book "Surviving an Affair", as recommended. I make a point to compliment her, tell her I love her, and show her physical affection every day, though it is rarely reciprocated. I bend over backwards to make her feel wanted and important. I do whatever she asks of me. I am making a real effort to show an interest in her favorite things, and to talk to her about things she wants to talk about. I am taking her places she wants to go and I have addressed every single one of the issues she identified about me that led her to stray. I started addressing all of these issues as soon as I first found out of the affair over a month ago.

She wasn't attracted to me: I've lost 25 lbs in the last 5 weeks through diet and exercise, and I haven't stopped. I'm almost back to my wedding weight, and am in far better shape than when we first met.

I was working too much: I've gone to my employer and told them flat out that I am no longer working nights and weekends. I am also working from home two days a week so I can be more available to my family. They know my situation and have said I can do whatever it takes.

I wasn't spending enough time with my daughter: I whole-heartedly disagree on this one. I am a good, loving and dedicated father, but I still obliged. I now stay home with her two days a week. I am with her, my wife, or both every moment of every day that I am not at work.

My hobbies were taking up too much of my time: I have willingly abandoned every one of them. I do not miss them one bit. All I care about is my family.

So now I feel it's her turn. I need her to start loving me again. and I don't mean things like housekeeping and buying me gifts. I mean real, meaningful shows of affection. I need her to say she loves me, and to have it be unsolicited. I need her to kiss me and touch me and have it feel real. I need her to show interest in being with me. I need her to show a real desire to rebuild this relationship. We discussed this, and she says she doesn't want to show me affection that isn't real to make me believe things are getting better. I respect that honesty, but that doesn't change the fact that I am working very hard for no realizable results.

Each day that my efforts and love go unrequited, I lose more faith. I am beginning to not care about her, and to not want to fight for this. I'm beginning to have resent her for her lack of effort. Im beginning to believe those friends of mine who say I'm crazy from staying after what she's done. I pray every night for strength to keep going, but I don't know how much longer I can fight.

I'm tired, sad, angry and hurt. There is very little happiness in my life, and I'm afraid I'm going to give up. I don't know that giving up will result in more happiness, but it would at least allow me to seek out some form of love and affection without guilt. I want that from my wife, and only from her, but if that cant happen, I need it from someone at some level.

EH

I'm sorry I haven't read your entire thread and will make an effort to do so. But I thought I would ask if you are on anti depressants? Losing hope is a sign of depression.

You are very early in the process, it requires perseverance and determination. Yes it is grueling and you will be doing all the work in the relationship.

Bottom line it takes time, she has to break free from the addiction and the addiction mindset. Keep doing what you are doing, I admire where you are.

No I'm not on antidepressants, and I don't want them.

Actually, it's the only thing that will build trust. It's doesn't build a blind trust, but rather a trust that comes from your spouse proving over and over again that she is doing what she said she would. Your trust will be built on evidence.

I encourage you to rethink the antidepressents. Used short term, they can really help men get through the initial rough days. You don't need them the rest of your life, just short term to keep your head clear and help you focus on what you need to do without losing hope.