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My xH lost his brother last fall and he refused to let me help or be there in anyway. It was up there with one of the most painful experiences of my life. You don't need that. No one needs that. As Indiegirl said at the time, it wasn't happening to my H, it was happening to an Alien. Exactly. Oh my. I'm so sorry.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
Yeah, I think from now on anything I consider sending through my IM I will put here first. Or at least think about what you all would say. Hugs to you, JW! I promise if you cut this out, you will feel much better. Instead of thinking of excuses to reach out to him, think of reasons you should not. Every time you reach out like this, it only frustrates you and gives him a feeling of control. I agree you should come here before you have your IM contact him, IF EVER. I would avoid contacting him unless it is an emergency. Typically, betrayed spouses are not sending messages. If you having to send messages it is usually because of sloppy pre-planning. And I don't think y ou are guilty of that!! You're right, I'm definitely frustrated and he really is in control because I'm letting him be. I have to stop that.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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This is a good idea. I will do this too, I think. I contact about DD too much too. I think what makes this so hard is that our kids are so young. They are still completely dependent on us, and in an ideal situation we'd know what's going on with them all the time. It's also hard to just trust them with their dads when those men have shown themselves to be so untrustworthy in other areas.
Last edited by jkwpurple; 02/06/15 09:00 PM. Reason: typo
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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This is a good idea. I will do this too, I think. I contact about DD too much too. I think what makes this so hard is that our kids are so young. They are still completely dependent on us, and in an ideal situation we'd know what's going on with them all the time. It's also hard to just trust them with their dads when those men have shown themselves to be so untrustworthy in other areas. It is in your children's best interest for you to stay in a super dark Plan B. Every contact with him just rattles you and makes it harder for you to detach and focus on regaining some emotional stability. Your Plan B is a plan to protect the emotions of the only sane parent they have left. All of this contact is really not necessary, but your emotional well being is VERY NECESSARY to those children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a good idea. I will do this too, I think. I contact about DD too much too. I think what makes this so hard is that our kids are so young. They are still completely dependent on us, and in an ideal situation we'd know what's going on with them all the time. It's also hard to just trust them with their dads when those men have shown themselves to be so untrustworthy in other areas. It is in your children's best interest for you to stay in a super dark Plan B. Every contact with him just rattles you and makes it harder for you to detach and focus on regaining some emotional stability. Your Plan B is a plan to protect the emotions of the only sane parent they have left. All of this contact is really not necessary, but your emotional well being is VERY NECESSARY to those children. You are right, as usual. I definitely have not been the best mom today.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I needed to hear this as well.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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I needed to hear this as well. Hugs, mama.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Ok, so I have a couple of things coming up that need to be decided and involve/affect WH. First is taxes. My understanding is that we can file jointly or separately. Jointly gives the best return, and he has continued to give me money, pay all the bills, even paid extra on the credit card (that's in my name) as we were doing before in order to get it paid off. So I am not worried about whether the money goes to him or me. Maybe that's naive. But regardless, I have to decide what to do and what I choose affects what he does. This is what I had my IM ask about last week and he didn't respond. What should I do?
And the second thing is the kids' schooling. I have to decide whether to continue homeschooling or put the kids in school. The only way this would affect him is that his work schedule is not traditional, ie he doesn't have weekends off, so now he is seeing the kids on weekdays and they spend the night on Tuesdays. The visitation schedule would have to change. My thinking here is that I make this decision based on what the kids and I need, then tell him what their new availability is if it changes. The thing is that I know if the kids are in school they will not be able to see him as much, which will be hard on them. Obviously it will be hard on him, too, but he chose this situation. Thoughts?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Ok, so I have a couple of things coming up that need to be decided and involve/affect WH. First is taxes. My understanding is that we can file jointly or separately. Jointly gives the best return, and he has continued to give me money, pay all the bills, even paid extra on the credit card (that's in my name) as we were doing before in order to get it paid off. So I am not worried about whether the money goes to him or me. Maybe that's naive. But regardless, I have to decide what to do and what I choose affects what he does. This is what I had my IM ask about last week and he didn't respond. What should I do? Do nothing. Stop sending him these unnecessary messages. You will hear from him soon enough on this subject. And the second thing is the kids' schooling. I have to decide whether to continue homeschooling or put the kids in school. The only way this would affect him is that his work schedule is not traditional, ie he doesn't have weekends off, so now he is seeing the kids on weekdays and they spend the night on Tuesdays. The visitation schedule would have to change. My thinking here is that I make this decision based on what the kids and I need, then tell him what their new availability is if it changes. The thing is that I know if the kids are in school they will not be able to see him as much, which will be hard on them. Obviously it will be hard on him, too, but he chose this situation. Thoughts? I would do the right thing for you and the kids and then send him the new schedule. I don't really agree that it will be hard on the kids. I don't necessarily think it is a good thing for kids to be around a wayward very much. They are typically very bad parents because they are so self consumed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks ML, that's what I was thinking but I don't trust myself lately.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Thanks ML, that's what I was thinking but I don't trust myself lately. You are doing just fine for a lady who is in an extremely difficult position!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks ML, that's what I was thinking but I don't trust myself lately. You are doing just fine for a lady who is in an extremely difficult position! ^^^^ agree
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I just got a phone message from WHs doctor. The message said WH had some lab work done last week and the dr needs to discuss it with him, but the number he has for him is wrong. The dr asked me to tell WH to call him to discuss the results. I started to pass the message on to my IM then remembered that I said I wouldn't contact him without checking in here first.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Tell the doctor you are separated and give him the correct #.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tell the doctor you are separated and give him the correct #. Yup. Beyond that...it's not your problem.
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Tell the doctor you are separated and give him the correct #. Well, that makes sense. Thank you.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Posts: 595
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Oh my goodness. In our city, there is a new charter school and I thought it might be good for my 4yo next year if I decide to send him. They're having an informational meeting tonight, and I guess WH was informed as well since his info is on all the kids public school info. He showed up. He is here, and they have assigned everyone seats - family of so-and-so at this table, so there he sits at 4yos table. I can't leave - I had to sign up to be here and I am making this decision.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Posts: 595
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The decision about school, I mean.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Leave. Tell someone that you need to do a private tour later or whatever. Leave now. He went to see you, not to make a decision about the school.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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I found a seat in the far corner of the room where I can't see or hear him.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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