When you can talk about the problems you have in the marriage without being disrespectful or bringing up the past, then you may be able to start talking to her about those things from time to time. Start practicing being always respectful to her even when you are speaking to others about her.

Great advice Markos, letting go of the hurt and learning to do this was tough for me, but once I got it me and my wife moved forward at light speed. She knew what she did and didn't need me punishing her for something she was already beating herself up over. What she needed from me was to remind her she is a good person and make her feel good about herself.

EH
Even if you are not directly saying stuff I have to wonder if some of these feelings/judgments you have posted here are subtlety coming out in the interactions with your WW and if that might be part of the reason she is have a hard time with showing affection. Body language sometimes speaks louder than words.

It's possible. I've not had any issues around her this week, although I'm also no longer expecting any love from her, which has calmed me down considerably. Tonight she actually suggested we go check out a newly opened restaurant together, so we did. I didn't mention money concerns and just jumped at the opportunity. It didn't last 4 hours, but it was still UA time, and it went well.

Still no affection, but I was happy we were able to have pleasant conversation for an evening and not mention anything about our troubles.

My concern is that I am no longer compelled to show her any affection either. I'm still doing it, mainly to remind myself that the ultimate goal is to one day be rebuild our love, and to show her that I do still care, but when she admitted to me that she still has love for OM and will not be able to show me any love until she overcomes it, I guess I just shut down.

Maybe I'm in my own sort of fog. Hopefully it doesn't last very long.

Time will tell if it returns. I still enjoy being with her, and had a great time with her tonight, so that was a very good sign.

No denying the admission of still having love for the OM is a big ouch, but at least she was able to be honest with you about where she is at and probably wasn't intending to hurt you but help you manage your expectations.

Affection is shown in many ways, and its not always physical. What is the tone of her voice when she is speaking to you, how does she look at you. Is she receptive to your touch. Look even suggesting to go out to dinner is a small sign she is willing to spend time alone with you.

Sounds to me like you are making progress

You are right. No harm was intended in her admission, but it did hurt, even though it came as no surprise.

Her words were "I am dead inside. I was in love with him, and that was taken away from me. I keep hoping I'll wake up and be over him, and fully realize that I need to save my family, but I haven't been able to yet. I just don't want to try right now."

If she still loves him, he continues to be a threat and impairment to recovery. It also increases my suspicion that they are still in contact somehow, despite my continued snooping. Even if it's just briefly here and there, that's probably enough to make her recovery impossible.

As for our demeanor together, We are generally pleasant around each other, unless one of us is depressed. In those cases, silence dominates. We are not directly disrespectful or judgmental to one another. We can still joke and laugh together. We enjoy time together with our daughter. We talk about future plans for our daughter and home now and then. Communication has improved now that she's not texting OM constantly. She doesn't push me away when I attempt to hug or kiss her, but I wouldn't call her "responsive to my touch". She will not kiss me on the lips, and rarely returns an "I love you". It's been that way since the affair began. I admit I eventually gave up complimenting her and showing her much physical affection. That was in response to the neglect she was showing me. That being said, I never stopped saying I love you or trying to hug and kiss her. I'm trying to increase my shows of physical affection, but it's very difficult for me to do so when it is not reciprocated. She really is "dead inside" as she said.

How do I rebuild love when she doesn't appear to want to be loved? Showing her physical affection and not having it reciprocated just hurts me more. But not showing her any will doom this to failure. I just don't know the right course of action.

EH

As long as there is no contact, it doesn't matter that she is still in love with him. He may continue to have a positive balance in her lovebank for the rest of her life, which is why it is crucial she never sees or talks to him again.

But, that positive balance won't affect your recovery if YOU do what you need to do to fill her lovebank.

You need to step up your Plan A game.

Are you on antidepressants yet? When you are depressed and silent around her, you will not do the things she needs to fall in love with you, and you come off as very unattractive.

She needs you to talk to her, frequently, about things she LOVES to talk about. Concentrate your efforts on pleasant, exciting, engaging conversations about things that matter to her.

Are you getting OUT of the house on DATES?

Well I caught them meeting in a parking lot today on her lunch hour and confronted them, so I guess we are back to square one. I was tailing her and they had barely even had a chance to get out of their cars, so I know nothing had gone on. They both said they swore they were just checking up on one another to see how each other and their families were doing , and hadn't seen or spoken to each other since I exposed over a month ago. They said this meeting was set up through a mutual friend. either way, that's contact.

OM claims OMW has been all over him as has been his employer (He was off duty today) and that his children are devastated, to which I replied that he should focus on them and not my family. Really, I didn't much care what either of them had to say. I tried my best to keep calm, and I think I did a fairly good job. I just kept repeating that the only thing I care about is that he stay away from my wife and daughter, because we cannot begin the healing process until he is out of our lives. He gave me his word that he would, but his word means nothing to me. I said very little to my wife, but her words mean nothing to me as well.

That's all for now. My wife went back to work. I'm heading to pick up my daughter before my wife gets home. we'll see where it goes from there.

EH

Are they working together? At the same company?
Did the NC letter ever get sent?

You're going to need to move. You cannot live in the same town as this guy.

Are you on antidepressants yet?

Have you told your daughter?

Who are these mutual friends? You will need to cut them out of your life.

Eddie,

Wow sorry to hear that.

Have you re-considered moving, also is there anyone else on OMs side to expose to, or can you get him fired for this, go further up his chain of command.

God Bless
Gamma

My daughter is only 16 months old, so no. Sorry if I didn't mention her age.

My wife will not move. Also, To move far enough away, I'd have to take my daughter away from her extended family on my side. They are an integral part of her life and I will not take that away from her. I also need them right now, more than ever.

Let's just say I'm not happy with WW and her constant lies. I have some thinking to do, but I may be done with this.

Thank you all again for your help. I wish it would have had better results to this point.

Your marriage will not recover, then. It is only a matter of time till she sees him again.

I know now that it won't. Even if I wanted to move, WW won't, so it makes no difference. And they clearly will never end their relationship. I'll lose my daughter now because of this.

I cannot get him fired. They are no longer meeting while he's on duty. Even if I could, he wouldn't move far enough away.

I believe my last resort is Plan B. But how does that work with a young Child? WW won't leave her behind and I won't allow WW to take her away from me.

But she cannot live without my financial support, so I don't see how plan B would work anyway.

***EDIT***

EH,

You don't need to move with her. You can move away first and she can follow if she ends the affair. That is what I have done. It's not easy with a kid and moving away from your support system (I moved to mine). But it can be done.

EH

I am so sorry to hear about this latest turn of events, but it doesn't surprise me because when I bounced your situation off my wife her initial response was contact hasn't ended.

Have you exposed this latest contact to the OMW, if not you should since she has a right to know.

Have you decided what you want to do yet, do you want to dig in and still fight for her, the marriage and your family or have you decided to move towards plan b.? Are you still working plan A while deciding for yourself or have you shut down.

Has your WW indicated what she wants or is your comment about her not giving up the OM because you are feeling down and defeated? When you say they will never end the realtionship does he plan on leaving his BW and does she plan on leaving you, or do they think they can continue the fantasy?

Can you get custody and move with her?

It's hard to see how extended family can be more important than her parents marriage.