My husband loves me very much. He shows it in many ways including kissing and hugging me throughout the day. The problem is when we have sex it vanishes. He doesn't hurt me or do anything against my will. But, it's not loving at all. There's no kissing, no talking, no touching (that isn't necessary for intercourse). It's just sex. Mechanical. Emotionless. I've tried kissing him and talking to him. He's unresponsive. He doesn't even look at me. His eyes are closed the whole time. Then as soon as it's over, he kisses me and tells me he loves me, holds me etc. Anyone else ever have this problem? A man's ego is fragile. How do I best explain this to him in a way that he won't be hurt or get defensive? I need to feel loved when we have sex. But, you can't just tell the man you love that he's a lousy lover....

The way most people are coached is to say 'how would you feel about doing x,y,z' or 'I would love it if'.

If he's not enthusiastic you need to tell him the current method of lovemaking doesn't suit your needs and you need a new way if you are to be enthusiastic.

You might review the most common ENs together. Most women want lovemaking to be a way of getting their affection EN met but this can be an alien concept to men who view sex as purely a way to get the sexual fulfilment need met!

If his affection throughout the day is what makes you willing - say so. But stress it needs to continue throughout sex for you.

Making love should be done as often as the one with the high need would like but in a way that the one with the low need also enjoys. Women enjoy making love as a way to bond with their spouse, so that's what you and he should be working on.

Tell him that you want very much to continue to meet his need for Sexual Fulfillment, but you would enjoy it so much if he would hold you, kiss you, look into your eyes, etc. You know that telling him he's a lousy lover will probably hurt him and then he'll be defensive, as you already predict; however, it's not hurtful to tell him that you would enjoy making love with him more if.....and then list what it would take for you to enjoy it.

It is likely that your husband would be happier if this problem were solved as well. You don't have to challenge his ego to address this, just make it more about you rather than about him. Tell him what you would prefer. If he loves you, then it is natural for him to want to make you happy. You might want to be a bit more aggressive in making the experience turn out the way you like. You can try showing him rather than telling him. He might really like that.

I'm the one with the higher drive. This makes the problem even worse because I'm in a 'beggars can't be choosers' position.

How often does your H want to make love? Has his drive always been low? How old are you? How old is your H?

Can you see how applying the "beggars can't be choosers" model to your situation actual mirrors an emotional detachment on your part that parallels the detachment you cite in your husband? Everybody prefers intimate SF over just mechanical release. You need to reconsider your attitudes. You aren't a beggar; you are a lover who wants the full experience for BOTH of you. He will benefit greatly, too. You need to learn how to talk about SF with him. There are lots of ways to do that without bruising his ego. But I have to say, with this "beggars can't be choosers" remark, I wonder whose ego is really more at risk here, yours or his?

It's hard to say how often he would like to. When I ask him he says twice a week but he's only saying it to please me because "never" would hurt my feelings. He has low T, which is being treated. We do it about twice a week and I'm fine with that. I'd LIKE to do it twice a day but I'm not completely delusional. My expectations are in check, I think. He's 49. I'm 40. I'm not expecting it to be more frequent. I just think it would be nice if it was loving. I've been reading Boundaries In Marriage and I do get that this is my problem. I'm not requiring enough of myself or him and I'm letting this fear of hurting him stop me from speaking up. But, his ego has taken a hug hit from the Low T thing... The whole subject is embarrassing for him.

Dr. Harley recommends that a patient begin T-therapy with a boost then to decrease it a bit so that it levels out to what would be normal for a man. Is the testosterone helping at all? It should increase his desire to make love.

In marriage, the desire for an emotional need to be met is not considered to be that spouse's "problem." In a marriage of extraordinary care, spouses with good will for each other want to be able to meet each others ENs but in a way that also makes both people happy. This goes for any EN. If I have the EN for affection, then my H has a certain responsibility as a loving spouse to learn to meet that need in a way that makes him happy, too. If you have the emotional need for sex, then your husband would ideally learn to meet that need in a way that makes you both happy.If you enjoy sex more, then he's also likely to enjoy it more. Most men want mutually enjoyable sex rather than just a release.

Of course, there are physical limitations with sex, and if your H is having some challenges in this area, then he would be working with a doctor to see how these could be overcome.

He doesn't view porn or self-stimulate, right?

Have you already told him that you would love to be kissed more while making love? That you would love it if he looked at you?

I would be very vigilant in snooping to rule out porn. I know he's being treated for low T, but it would explain the detached attitude as well as the low drive.

Men can form a porn habit at a very young age which does not affect their high, teenage sex drive. But give it a few years, or a drop in T, it does.

If you tell him you love his affection and want more intimacy and he says he can't during sex - I'd be suspicious. He should be very keen to make it satisfying when he is in the mood if there is no porn. Porn teaches detachment though and its a hard habit to break.

Here's a good radio clip.
Radio Clip about a higher need for SF

Kayla in Washington writes her husband only wants sex once every two months. He says he is not having an affair or watching porn; he says he just has a low sex drive.

Radio Clip

It struck me as odd that he is affectionate before and after, but emotionless during.

I'd be willing to bet that with his low drive he is having to (or thinks he needs to) concentrate a fair amount to "perform", which takes him completely out of the emotional space he should be in.

I'm not sure how you might go about figuring out if that's it, but if it is, one of the ED drugs might help him keep things going, per se, while staying in the moment.

I would also make sure the endocrinologist is managing his T levels properly. Have you seen the labs before and after? Is the endo getting things into the middle of the normal range?