I highly doubt this would debar me from talking about the truth. Plus as BR said, the burden is in him to prove disparagement and take me to court over it.

As it is now, I barely mention him to her and when I do it's usually just to say "it's time to call him." She also rarely mentions him, mostly because he is not around and she's three, so out if sight, out of mind.

I think its fine.

I went to a divorce recovery group at church tonight. I just wanted to tell almost all of them to go to marriage builders. Almost all of them were victims of affairs (although there was one wayward spouse) and all needed to be in Plan B but weren't. I felt so bad for them.

That's awful. Maybe you could mention it once.

Of course, when they see how well you are doing comparatively, they might ask how you're doing it.

I had a short conversation with my WHs former boss today to ask him how much my WHs business would be valued at. He was pretty supportive when I exposed, so I thought he would be safe to ask. He answered and then started asking a few pretty benign questions about our separation and possible divorce. But then all of a sudden stated that I needed to "take the high road and he didn't want to be involved." I just said ok and left the conversation.

But I really don't get that. I asked for one simple thing and he provided it and the he continued the conversation and then proceeded to tell me off saying he didn't want to know.

I am starting to think that everyone I used to know was of super low quality. The funny thing is that he was a betrayed spouse.

Anyway, another person off the list. I have decided to communicate with nobody we mutually knew from the Bay Area ever again.

I left a whole crowd of people behind and I can surely recommend it. Like spring cleaning your entire life.

It is very freeing to get rid of the enablers. They are everywhere.

The bottom line with other people is

if you don't feel safe with them, you can not have an open and honest relationship with them.

People who are not supportive of a betrayed spouse enough to make them feel safe with interactions really causes more emotional angst.

It is best to steer clear of that if possible.

I think that's right, reading. Even though this guy was supportive, I have just come to realize that he sees himself having an ongoing relationship with WH (because they used to work together and are still somewhat in the same circles because of work), so he'd rather not know (even though he asked--but whatever). That's true of basically everyone in the Bay Area that hasn't already left him or shunned him in some capacity.

Basically, anyone who is in semi-regular touch with him is best to stay away from completely.

I had two waves of friend culling. The first lot who were obvious enablers and the second who were just paying lip service support.

Yep, I realize I got a lot of lip service support. Unfortunately, for him, they are his friends, so he'll find himself on a lonely road with people of such low standards. But that's his problem.

In my experience, lots of former BSes don't "get" what we do here.

They either fall into the "live and let live" camp (which it sounds like this guy does), or they are 100% scorched earth and don't believe in trying to save a marriage where there has been infidelity at all.

There are a few BSes in my extended family and they've all sort of viewed my exposure of the affair and the Plan A as some strange novelty. But they're all of the "scorched earth" camp. They wanted me to file D on D-day.

I get that. I have to reel myself back (and I am not always successful, although I am doing better) from scorching the earth, myself. It was one of the reasons I went nuclear on internet exposure. But the longer I am in Plan B, the more peaceful I become.

Vets---any benefit in writing Dr. Harley again and asking about filing soon? I am also curious if he would recommend a plan b letter again in that case. I honestly don't know how I feel about reconciliation at this point. Like Axe, I'm kinda done and honestly have a difficult time imagining that he will do anything after this length of time, and considering he has already lost his wife and now rarely sees his kid. On the other hand, I might cautiously entertain the thought of reconciling IF he moved and started doing EPs.

I would write Dr. Harley again. You can't go wrong asking Dr. Harley for advice.

Dr. Harley answered on today's show. He said to file and not do another plan B letter. So I will do that in the next few weeks.

When I divorced I didn't write another Plan B letter - because the divorce paperwork IS a Plan B letter in my eyes. "You have x weeks/months before this is finalised and your wonderful lady floats away into the ether. Pull your finger out or bemoan your loss forever".

At least that's how mine was phrased

Getting cold feet about filing...why? I have no clue. This man hasn't done a thing to win me back.

Hope springs eternal.

You recall the him he seemingly was.

Filing is a big deal. You marry with the intention of it never getting to the point of filing to end it.

He was who he was...until he wasn't.

The funny thing is that he knows that. When I was still in contact with him, he'd have moments of clarity like all addicts: "what have I done?" "I can't believe I did this to you", "I didn't do this because you were a bad wife, but because I wanted to."

But he has done exactly nothing to fix it and he still lives in the Bay Area instead of OC.

Moving was the best thing I could have down because it threw the ridiculousness of his excuses.

Is this the show Dr. Harley answered your question?

Radio Clip of 3-13-15's show