I cannot get custody. Infidelity is not a crime in my state, and is rarely considered in custody cases. As long as WW is not causing harm to my child and OM is not causing harm to her, I cannot keep either of them away from her, so long as WW permits it. I have consulted several family law attorneys and they have all echoed this same sentiment.

WW will not move, so if I move away, I do it alone. If I take my child, all she has to do is go to the local authorities and they will force me to either return home with her or give her back to WW, unless I can prove WW has done her physical harm, which she hasn't. I have already discussed that option with lawyers and was STRONGLY advised against it. The laws in my state are extremely pro-mother in custody cases, and it would only make me look bad in future proceedings.

I will provide an update of current status later today. We are all still in our home, but any trust she had rebuilt with me since exposure is now gone.

More to come when I have time.

Thank you all again for your thoughts, concern and advice.

EH

Eddie, I would tell your wife that there is no way your marriage can recover living where you are living. Come back here and tell us what she says.

Have you told the extended family that she is still in contact with the OM?

EH,

Waywards constantly threaten to take kids. I moved without my WHs written consent and it was fine. He is at a point now that he can't really get her back even if he wants to because his behavior is basically defacto consent.

What I did was to have my lawyer talk to him about moving and what it would take to allow me to move and he agreed to a post-nup (which has amounted to nothing, but that's another story).

Remember that waywards are selfish and the affair comes first, often. My WH was a great dad, he was even a stay at home dad after she was born. Now he sees her once a month in person and I think he feels the loss.

I live in CA and I was strongly advised against moving as well, but it worked. What I did was come up with a back-up plan in case my dd was ordered back by a court. The first thing I would so was to let him take her for a few weeks on his own. He would hate that because it would mess up his affair. Secondly, I would move back with a friend if I absolutely needed to to regain custody.

I am happy to let you know the details of what I did if you would like.

EddieHead,

Can you re-expose OM?

Please find and speak with his ex-wives, they may be able to provide evidence of a violent or abusive personality

God Bless
Gamma

Yes tell the OMW that they broke NC again.

EH,

I'm not sure if I am reading what you wrote correctly but, you appear to have resigned to your WW allowing OM to have contact with your child.

If that is true I would encourage you to re-expose OM and put as much pressure on OM as is humanly possible, OM must understand that their will be consequences if he abuses your child. Putting up posters with OMs face and story on every telephone pole in the town where he lives might be a good idea.

Caption it "OFFICER OM THANKS FOR DESTROYING MY FAMILY, TRY STICKING TO FIGHTING CRIME WHILE ON DUTY IN THE FUTURE." add a picture of your WW in her wedding dress.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes. Lexapro. started it two days ago. I'm not happy about it, but it has definitely "leveled me out".

They wouldn't tell me. Anyway, I suspect that's a lie.


Yes. I told her as soon as I left the confrontation with OM and WW. She had apparently just had lunch with him immediately beforehand. We agreed to stay in contact and exchange info regularly. She believes they are using prepaid cell phones, since she has daily access to his phone logs. I have yet to find one, but it makes sense. Yesterday she contacted me and said she had a long talk with OM and she believes my confronting has made him realize him that I wont give up, that he is going to destroy two families if he keeps up contact, and that he would stop. He said the same thing to me along with an apology. I told her not to believe it, because I certainly don't.


I have not decided. I do not love my wife right now and I have no desire to work plan A currently. I will likely decide to return to plan A/recovery, but not without a complete re-commitment from her to the exposure list. I haven't brought that up yet. For now, we are being pleasant to one another, but she knows her breaking of NC has put our marriage back into severe jeopardy.


WW continues to claim that she regrets what she has done and is struggling to get over him so we can recover. For the first time, she actually spoke of her feelings for him as an "addiction", and not just "lingering love". She claims she wants to try to fix our marriage, as she always has. She swears that until Monday she hasn't seen or contacted him since exposure six weeks ago.

She and OM both said that this was their first meeting since exposure, that OM set it up and the intention was to check up on one another to see that everything was going ok with one another's recovery. WW had hoped this meeting would provide her with some closure. WW has again promised to have no contact with OM, as did OM give his word to me that there would be none. They both seemed sincere, but I've been here before. I don't know what is truth and what isn't, so I can believe none of it.

I don't know if they feel they can still continue the fantasy or not, but I am almost positive OM will not leave his wife and family for WW. If he does, the fantasy will end. He knows full well he cannot support two families, and WW cannot support herself on child support alone if I am out of the picture.


She has never threatened to take my daughter away and swears she will never do so. She acknowledges I am a good father and am an important part of her life. She has said that from the beginning.


No. not at all true. They both know that while legally I can do nothing to keep him away from my daughter, I will continue to fight to keep him away from her. I told him that flat out, and I have echoed that sentiment many times to WW.

Plan A doesn't depend on her re-commitment. You either Plan A her, or you go to Plan B. Anything else is Plan C (Chaos), and will fail.

If she were committed you wouldn't need Plan A. You'd be in recovery.

She may be willing to move if he dumps her and you insist.

Sorry. That's what I meant. Plan A if she doesn't recommit, recovery If she does. But right now, I need to determine if I have the desire to pursue either. I know I can't linger in this state of indecision, but that's where I am right now.

Have you done this?

I would say to think hard about a timeline and after you get that out, base your Plan around that.

You can't control what she does, you can only control what you do and how long you're willing to wait for her. Think about where you'd like to be in 6 months or a year and base the length of your Plan A on that.

An unsuccessful Plan A is not a fun destination and it is helpful to have a timeline if you need to pull the plug and go to Plan B.

Dr. Harley recommends a 6 month Plan A for men.
But if you are going to go that route, you have to actually Plan A. Since you are now on antidepressants, you can likely handle that.
If you can't Plan A, go to Plan B. But none of this waffling, which will not end well.

Another BH that needs to move his WW far away from the OM yet does not. Sad. For it just allowed for NC to be broken. How many more breaks in NC will you allow before you move your family?

EH

Just wondering how you are doing and where you are at with your WW?

Their relationship is over, but I fear the damage to our
relationship is beyond repair. This battle has really taken a toll on me. I don't feel like a human being.

My love for my wife is gone, or at least so deeply buried in pain that I can't find it right now. I am fighting pride, embarrassment and sexual inadequacy.

Pride tells me I am too good a person to have deserved this treatment. Pride tells I should not stay with someone who betrayed me so willingly, who said such horrible things about me to OM, and who kept going back after I discovered and exposed. I am trying hard not to buckle to my pride, but I am stumbling.

The intimate details I have of their sexual relationship is crippling, and everything seems to trigger those thoughts. TV, random conversations, anything remotely related to sex triggers an image of them together. Knowing that I have gone 18 months without any intimacy while she was having sex with OM almost every day is demoralizing. I am starved for affection and intimate contact, but she cannot give that to me, so I have stopped seeking it from her. She is meeting most of my other needs, but I don't care as much about them. I can cook and clean and shop for myself. I need physical affection and intimacy to replace the images of them together. At best, I get a hug now and then. that's simply not enough.

Very little in life makes me happy right now. The antidepressants level me out, but that's about it. I don't really want to be around anyone; not my wife, not friends, not family, not coworkers. I find myself wandering around malls and grocery stores because I don't feel comfortable in any of the places that should make me happy.

I'm lost. I still want to live a long and happy life, but I don't know to what degree that involves my wife. I don't know which path will lead me to happiness, and I don't see any choices resulting in much happiness in the near term.

No one can answer these questions for me. I have to search my soul and decide for myself.

EH

What are you doing as far as Plan A?

Dr. Harley recommends a 6 month Plan A for men.
But if you are going to go that route, you have to actually Plan A. Since you are now on antidepressants, you can likely handle that.
If you can't Plan A, go to Plan B. But none of this waffling, which will not end well.

Also, if you do not move, you will likely never recover.

I had many of the same feelings, thoughts and images you are dealing with and to be honest I still have an occasional trigger, but the key thing is as we have spent more time together and created new happy memories of us, those feelings, images and triggers have diminished. I suspect this is something that isn't unique to us and all BS's deal with this.

You need to search your soul sooner than later and decided if you are going to plan A or plan B and then begin executing it. Right now it sounds like you are in limbo doing neither and that is leaving you to wander around in your own fog. Once you decide and start executing either plan you will have a focus that will help you move forward.

Both plans will be hard work with different results so choose wisely, but choose one soon and move your life forward.

Prisca,
Thank you for the advice. If I decide to do Plan A, then I will give it my full effort, but I'm not sure that's what I want. You advise not to waffle, and I respect that, but I am at a critical personal crossroad, one where I very well may choose divorce, I did not arrive at this position without months of struggle, and as such I will not make a rash decision regarding the direction of my life. All roads lead to some level of pain and hopefully eventual recovery and happiness, but I do not yet know which path minimizes the former and maximizes the latter.

I have told her I do not think we can recover unless we move. She disagrees, and will not move so there's nothing I can do about that.

In the meantime, I am searching for a reason to love my wife, and for evidence that I can live with what I know of her relationship with OM. If I can come to terms with both, I will Plan A. If not, I will file for divorce and move on.