I hope your wife comes to realize agreeing to meet with you, even in church, is a huge mistake. You're **EDIT** end game is only to get your wife back into your grasp so that you can control her and beat her down literally and figuratively. In no way would MB sanction her putting her life in danger **EDIT**

You came in here simply because you are no longer in control of your wife, as she discovered she is worthy of more than your manipulative and threatening aggressiveness and your mind tricks.

**EDIT**

I think this is a personal attack, and I've notified on it. It is completely over the top, superfluous and gratuitous.

**EDIT**

My post is no more of a personal attack, no more over the top, etc, than Black Raven's or Axslinger's posts. Frankly, her husband needs to be completely called out by a female poster. As Ax pointed out, how would her husband feel if his daughters were in a similarly abusive relationship, one which threats are treated as running jokes? Her husband needs psychiatric help before she gets hurt and their kids really do become orphans. Marriage Builders would never condone a reconciliation based on manipulation and lip service. The only reason why he's back in here, starting a new thread, is to see if anyone knows of his wife's whereabouts.

All that being said, gleaning from my 12 years of being a military police officer, having been called to numerous domestic abuse calls, one repeat situation ending in homicide, another in homicide-suicide, I called his garbage like I see it. It's reality. Her husband is a ticking time bomb. I'm sorry if you're offended, but it's the truth.

I think its great that you feel so passionately about domestic violence - and that your work tackles it.

**EDIT** You're kind of stomping on your own point...

**EDIT**
No, my work does not "tackle it", which insinuates we head off an altercation before it starts. This isn't Minority Report. It's only when the situation escalates to a point that we are called to a scene. We respond to the situation, not prevent it- prevention, such as telling the victim not to return to his/her abuser (which we have no jurisdiction to do) and telling the abuser to seek help with anger, addiction, etc (again, MPs have no jurisdiction), WOULD be tackling it. There is no "tackling" when the victim refuses to press charges or retracts a statement, or refuses to leave an abusive relationship. In here, however, I am no more than a frustrated member with subject matter experience and common sense calling out a potentially life-threatening abuser. In here, I believe we have a way of "tackling" domestic violence. I've read a number of MB threads posted by police officers whose marriages were falling apart. I'd be interested in their professional take on situations such as Newcase's.

Newcase was proactive in coming to MB to seek advice in saving her marriage, but from everything I've read in their three related threads makes my blood run cold. Their marriage is beyond saving- she needs to save herself and her daughters. Self preservation is a MB principle, correct?

I've read quite a number of MB threads, long before signing up as a member (to be able to comment) and rarely have I ever felt compelled to say much of anything. While MB does a world of good in saving marriages worthy of saving, the forums could also be a place where blunt honesty (backed by facts) should be encouraged- an intervention if you will- especially in obvious abuse cases as such.

**EDIT** She is obviously reaching out for help, offering dark details of her ongoing abuse, but fearful of doing so herself, which is incredibly common.

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Ok.

I don't think mine or Axe's posts weren't over the top. Neither one of us offered up a mental/medical diagnosis unlike you. PC's behavior is abusive regardless. Your post is now gone but I read it..and I do see a difference and if the mods saw anything I posted as a personal attack I'm sure it would be modified.

FYI, I am female...and so is Sugar_Cane and happyheart who also called out PC. Still no one diagnosed the OP and IMO it is irrelevant since it still boils down to PC being a danger to his wife no matter what and a choice to behave as he does.

Recovery entails a lot more than reading a book and going to church. Many, many abusers have said they would stop being abusive, were sorry, went through some short term motions etc. rinse and repeat. If there is any hope of salvaging your marriage it will take years, not weeks or even months to show that you have made a REAL change to stop acting as you have.

You still never answered my question. Why shouldn't your wife talk to her mom?

Yeah, not sure if ProChoice is still around reading, but this is the main point here. It's not so much we think you are wanting to or secretly plotting to kill your wife.

It's that we think you cannot control your anger, and very angry people do all sorts of reckless things. Dr. Harley talks often about how a person is not in control of themselves when they have an angry outburst or lose their temper. They destroy things and hurt people.

Your wife said you have had a habit of breaking things around the house when you get angry for a very long time now, and this is why you got so angry you threatened to kill her, even if you can't believe you said it now. It's become a habitual behavior for you, and it's not normal. It's very scary to the people around you.

You're going to have to really work hard to kick this like any bad habit. This sort of thing takes months to do. I'm hoping you are realizing and owning up to how far this has gone. You can't dismiss a death threat as just words, it's a sign that you are very dangerous when you are angry.

Your wife also told us that you held a pillow over her face, years ago.

Your past and recent words and actions do not show that you are safe for her to be around. You need expert help with your anger problem, and your attitude to her in general.

blueangels, I don't know you, you don't know me, so you can't possibly know what I am or not capable of doing, not even a therapist could in a few sessions. It would take several sessions to diagnose. Post like yours actually make any person wanting help to flee. I made a mistake, and I admit it. I acted without thinking, and acted out of impulse. That is the first step in any change, recognition. I have acted several times out of impulse. I admit that. When I snap, I don't think, and I need to be in control all the time. That is what therapy is for.

markos and indiegirl, much has been taken out of your posts. I have tried to change several times, and have seen I keep returning to angry outburst, some impulse in me and I do not want to be the cause of my wife's depression or fear any longer. I know I have my traits that need to change, and I am seeking professional help.

Axlingster, I did break things around, horrible habit, but I already got rid of that habit long ago, without therapy. I haven't broken one thing in the house for six years, and so I know I can deal with the other habits. I have improved. I snapped out of anger, and acted out of control again, feeling kicked out of my own home, but I will owe up to it.

and blackraven, her family never welcomed me, never game me a chance, and they didn't even know me.

If we are talking about assault, I could put his dad in jail. He actually used the words "kill" towards me, my wife's sister threw rotten eggs at my car, and her mom tried to take her away by force. And I am talking about events that happened more than 11 years ago, reason, there was no relationship with her family. I know I had my issues, but I didn't know that then, I was only 18. They could have even talked to my parents rather than declare war. They proceeded wrong too.

When my wife exposed her affair, her family pressured for a divorce. Offered her money, offered her plane tickets, offered her a house to move out.

I had a barrier with her family, but that was because of the way they treated me. But we decided to break that together after affair discovery as I recognized my part in the family tension.

A relationship started. I have to work at it, and her mother is very difficult, very controlling. Once she calls them, there is no going back. It is already tense now without their knowledge of what is going on.

The pillow incident was more than a decade ago. I put it on for a second, no more, but then I realized what I was doing. I never ever repeated anything similar. When I got mad, I got away from her. Not that it excuses it, but I chose to break things rather than get near her. I later learned to get away and cool down. But I kept insulting her. Then I learned to quit insulting. I am learning, and I am trying. And I am sorry.

That is why an anger management class would be so beneficial to you and your family. Your children, your wife and you deserve a peaceful home where anger isn't around. You wouldn't want how your acting to write on your daughters' slate and they find a husband who controls his anger worse than you do. Watching this behavior in the home, teaches them it is okay to blow your top and hurt the ones you love. Please for all involved, show them your love by erasing angry scary outburst from your lives.

Which therapy? What are you doing and when?

Do you acknowledge it might take some time to get there? How can you protect your wife from anger in the meantime?

Will you be separated until a professional clears it?

See the pillow incident was a long time ago, and even though it horrified you and you perservered not to be physical with anger those angry behaviours are still around.

You dont want to do another so-so job on your anger and still be scaring your wife in another 10 years. You want to be thorough NOW.

As to her family, as things stand, it's really no surprise if they don't like you. Give your wife the anger-free husband she deserves and that problem might well resolve itself.

If not, she'll be more than motivated to join her calm husband in tackling her angry family. Win-win.

Anyway, women who've put up with a lot of anger typically have grown up with it. It seems normal to her, so she's endured it for ages even though it hurts and is scary.

Stop the cycle now.

Which therapy? What are you doing and when?
The same therapist from couples therapy, she already knows our background and story. Starting next week once a week.

Do you acknowledge it might take some time to get there?
Yes, but when I set my mind to do something I do it, so mentally, I have stopped already all anger. I will mentally not get angry because I have told myself there is no reason to be angry at anything.

How can you protect your wife from anger in the meantime?
As soon as I feel anger, I will tell myself to stop. We had a peaceful period when we started praying and doing relaxing exercising together. That was working 100%. We had stopped, not sure why. I think I got triggered, maybe, I don't remember.

Will you be separated until a professional clears it?
She already came back last night after we talked. Didn't she post that yet? No, we won't be separated, and I would prefer to stop posting, and just follow my therapist than be advised to separate. I read the story of the husband imposing over her wife in the love buster book. I do relate to that. My wife has been constantly in and out of depression and I understand now why, and I will fix that NEXT TO HER.

Have you listened to the clips in here?

Anger Management 101

I have followed your and your wife's threads.

You were (understandably) hurt by her affair from years ago. Yet you remained married to her but instead of trying to repair your marriage, you sadistically toyed with and tormented her.

During that time she was emotionally under your control and easy for you to manipulate due to her guilt over the affair. When you had total power over her you chose to be cruel, abusive and violent.

Now she has moved out and you no longer have total control over her. Suddenly you claim you are desperate to save your marriage.

I am terrified for your wife's safety because I wonder if you were so cruel WHEN you had control over her, what might you do in desperation now that you see that control slipping away?

Based on your prior behavior I believe that must enrage you further.

You say you had a peaceful period in the past. Why did it end unless you prefer tormenting her to being in love with her?

You claim you will "tell yourself to stop" if you feel anger. But your wife has been begging you to stop tormenting her emotionally for years and you clearly derived more pleasure from hurting her than trying to have a loving relationship with her.

I will pray for both of you. I do not believe you are safe. I really hope is is not true that she is living with you again. If you are serious about changing and repairing your marriage you do not need to live under the same roof to do that.

Anywife,

Exactly what you said. That is the essence.
Thank you for wording it so clearly.

Dude, you are not getting it.

Most women who were told what you told your wife would be moved out of that house for an indefinite period of time faster than you could blink. It wouldn't matter if you were the male equivalent of Mother Teresa, it wouldn't matter if you had a great marriage up to that point, nor would any excuses like you just listed matter.

The issue at hand wouldn't be "is her husband a nice guy who I respect and wants the best for her" it would be "is her husband bat [censored] crazy right now or what, and how can we get her away from him while he gets help". There is a gigantic red line you have crossed.

What you said to blueangels is just the icing on the cake that you are not taking any responsibility for this. Someone who just lost their temper so badly that their wife fled to a woman's shelter is lecturing another person who is personally involved in domestic abuse cases about not knowing what they're capable of? Are you serious?

What happened 11 years ago: not important. Sorry to tell you.

You are the one responsible for what you said to your wife. Not your in-laws.

Sadly, Prochoice, you have still not given up the entitlement and have not broken your ego down enough to have that "eureka" moment that you see yourself in the daylight of your actions.

Even here, where you know you are supposed to at least pretend you are sorry for your actions and at least pretend to own up to them. Even here, you cannot bring yourself to not minimize and excuse your behaviour.

- I only choked her with a pillow for a second
- the affair made me do it
- her dad has said bad things too
- her family never liked me and behaved badly
- I pay the bills, so I can break back into the house to my terrified wife
- I did not really mean it (after all I have not done it - yet)

That tells us that you are not there yet.
Tere are a few things that in my opinion show if a human is mature:
free thinking: the ability to form an opinion based on weighing the facts pro and contra, irrespective of what others think, what society thinks or what you would like to be true
autonomy: the ability to stand alone and not do or think what all the others do, even if it is uncomfortable
empathy: the ability to care about, consider and respect the feelings and opinions of others, being as important as your own or as if you yourself were involved
introspection: the ability to think about oneself honestly, to weigh criticism objectively, irrespective of who is criticizing you and to learn from each critique, even if it is you enemy who is getting in your face.

Autonomy is probably strong in you. And you seem to be very capable to do as you please and think as you will, irrespective of what your wife, us, society expects of you.

I see problems though in all of the others. The key here, is considering the feelings of others as important as your own feelings and to be able to see yourself and your feelings for what they are. To know your own deeper motives. Many people are never able to do it, because they fail to be brutally honest with themselves and their own feelings or because they fail to consider the feelings of others.