Some WW do put in the false abuse claims. A lot. There's a BH kit around here that might help.

Exposure to your kids will protect them more than anything.

Yeah, as b_r said this is all pretty standard fare for a wayward wife. They usually get very angry/vindictive. If you haven't already you'll hear "I haven't loved you for a long time/I've wanted to leave you for a long time" or "I never loved you", etc etc. She will ignore you, throw away gifts that you give her, call you controlling or manipulative, etc. Women in the fog are ANGRY with their husband normally, I've seen it here a hundred times. It's like they've all got a script on some of these things.

I went through all of that, had restraining orders filed against me, etc etc. None of it stuck in court, BTW. I received excellent advice here and was prepared for it.

You are very scared of your wife right now, that almost jumps off the page in your posts. You need to think about this more strategically.

Every precautionary step you can discreetly take such as setting up snooping, getting phone/voice recorders, protecting your finances, etc takes power away from your wayward wife.

A wide exposure is going to take a LOT of power away from her to misbehave because everyone is going to be watching her like she's got a spotlight on her. She'll tell you that the world is going to end for you but as long as you are prepared, you will know generally what her options are instead of being afraid of the unknown.

As far as being upset...know who your allies are amongst your friends and family. Once you expose, these people will want to help you. When you're having a rough night, give 'em a call or otherwise let them know, they will want to help you out. A tremendous benefit to exposure is it gains support for the betrayed spouse.

Alpine,

I would also seek an attorney at this point, just to be prepared for the POSSIBILITY of craziness in regards to the kids.

False protection/restraining orders are filed all the time against betrayed spouses, happened to me.(it was also dismissed at the hearing)

I would look at locking down your cash/assets in preparation for the POSSIBILITY of craziness.

AX is SPOT ON, you are afraid of your wife right now. We all were afraid of our wayward.

EXPOSURE and taking precautions helps you take back the power and reduce the fear.

Get that VAR, it will be your best friend.

meant to be addressed to Typicalman

Should WW get a copy of what is sent out? Should I be home with her or far away when it happens?

Your WW should not be sent a copy of the exposure letter/FB message. She already knows she is cheating so it's not news to her.

I would be at home, and prepared in the ways we have described above. People often expose while the WS is out of the home (e.g. at work), and this may be easier for you if possible.

There's no way to soften the blow here for her, so even showing her what you sent to people will not help.

You need to remember that her anger stems from the fact that she cannot have what she wants: a fantasy relationship with her OM where you and other obstacles are out of her way.

It has very little to do with anything you can do or say right now. Other than avoiding love busters and politely trying to meet her emotional needs, there's not really anything you can do for her/say to her that is going to put much of a dent in her anger.

So don't worry about her reactions, it's not about you. It's about the affair.

I would go to a safe, quiet place to do your exposures so you are not interrupted. She will see a copy of it when others contact her.

Also, how old are your children? Any children over age 4 should be informed of the affair and given the OM's full name. They need to know who the enemy is.

Sir I sent my exposure letters from work computer.
They can also be sent from your favorite coffee shop.
It is important that you follow the instructions in the Exposure thread carefully.

taking steps each day to prepare for exposure..there is alot to do!

I got a major piece of feedback from the WW last night as to why she is so angry. I don't think anyone here will be supprized by it, but I am still processing it. Last night she was somewhat pleasant to be around.. almost night and day from the day before. A big "but" though... I picked up my cell phone to check a work email or look at something, she would say "texting your girlfriend ???" I would just as why she would say such a thing. This happened a couple of times. Finally... she made a comment back... "how does it make you feel?"

She is just horribly angry with me for accusing her of an affair. I think she might genuinely feel like she did nothing wrong. Infact, the last day that we had any sort of loving relationship was right before our counseling session where I brought up her EA and asked her to stop contact. Is is possible that in her mind, she did nothing wrong? In her mind, I really am the bad-guy for violating her privacy and also accusing her of a horrible thing that she didn't do... I guess the more and more she reacts, the more and more text book this becomes.

The truth is, when she said "how would you feel".. the reality is.. not having cheated, I actually feel good that my wife would be concerned about me enough to accuse me of cheating. I don't feel angry at all by her accusation... only that I want to be more transparent to set her mind at ease. I completely do not relate to nor understand her anger at all if she really felt falsely accused. Do women think differently than men in this way?

A few months ago, I suspected markos of an affair. I immediately started snooping. When he found out I was checking up on him, he went to great lengths to do anything I wanted to prove his innocence. He went to great lengths to make it EASIER for me to check up on him. He never once got angry with me.

Contrast that to 5 years ago when I was hiding an emotional affair from my husband. I blew up at him any time he tried to check up on me. I blew up at him any time he said anything that might have sounded like he thought I was up to something. I blew up at him to scare him off, to make him back down, so that I could feel safe in what I wanted to do.

People who are innocent do not get angry when their spouse suspects an affair.

Your wife is not innocent. She's not angry because you've hurt her feelings by accusing her of an affair. She's angry because you're hitting close to the mark, and it doesn't feel good. Darkness does not like the light.

And really, it doesn't matter if she calls it an affair or not. Who cares what she wants to call her "friendship" (that's the word I used too, btw). It's inappropriate. It's hurtful. It harms her marriage. It needs to end.

When the wayward starts screaming about privacy, then you know they are having at the very least an inappropriate relationship. This is a common tactic by the wayward, to try to make you feel guilty and get you to back off. She is completely ON script as how a wayward acts and what they say.

In a marriage, privacy is a marriage killer. Privacy is what you want when you use the toilet. Secrecy is what a wayward wants when they are doing something they don't want anyone to find out about. Why? Because it is wrong, and they know it and would be ashamed and embarrassed if anyone found out.

She is angry because you took away her drug and she is/was addicted to that drug.

When you finally expose, brace yourself for extreme anger and wrath. Be prepared as you have been warned, it sounds like your wayward has a hair trigger at this point.

Do not psychoanalyze their drunken ramblings.

Waywards think differently to everyone.

T
She is angry because she is guilty. Her reaction is a ploy to throw you off balance and get you to stop accusing her. She is still having the affair.

Even the dumbest wayward knows how to throw an accuser off balance.

Dr Bill Harley: "One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

No, you didn't. She attempted to gaslight you. As Prisca and others pointed out, her objections to you are ridiculous and disingenuous.

She is angry with you because you are an obstacle to her affair. That is the only reason she is angry. I wouldn't spend any more time trying to "figure out" why she is angry, because she will not cease being angry with you until her affair is dead as a doornail.

If you want to fix "angry with you", focus on ending the affair.

How old are your children?

kids: 5 & 7

Another question.. how far should exposure go.. close friends & family only or everyone we come in contact with.. kids teachers, other mom's, etc.. I have almost 50 contacts already... is that too much?

Well, I am a woman and prior to discovering MB I didn't question the appropriatess of OS friendships and had no familiarity with the concept of an "emotional" affair.

If my husband thought I was having an affair my immediate reaction would be to feel terrible for him that he was living with that kind of concern, try to understand what I was doing that worried him, reassure him that he was safe, and stop whatever I was doing that bothered him. Certainly no single "friend" was more important than our marriage.

On the other hand, when he calls me out on something I do that I know is a flaw of mine - like what a slob I am - my immediate reaction (prior to MB) was to become indignant, maybe even outraged! and throw a handful of his much worse transgressions in his face. "How dare he question something so superficial as a little mess when he did ABC and hasn't done XYZ? How does he think that makes me feel..." Not good for the marriage, but temporarily effective as his reaction to that was usually to slink away. Still fuming, but also feeling guilty himself and quiet about my flaws. For now...

So, No, I don't think women are different than men in this way. However, one way Women may be different is typically being more nimble verbally - able to recall a detail list of the man's every flaw and digression and use it to swat aside whatever concern he is trying to express.