She's three hours away because you haven't eliminated demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts, right?

Sure, all kinds of things can happen while separated. But this isn't going to get better as long as you reserve the right to call her stupid when you are feeling frustrated about her being far away. Work the plan for getting back together.

Have you read this?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.html

In fact you should probably read and reread all of the articles in that section.

Yes, she might do that. We will be more than happy to talk to her about extraordinary precautions that would prevent another affair (as markos mentioned). Preventing another affair is part of the program.

But it is your anger that has put you both in this risky situation. You must make it safe for her to return to you. Your anger has made it worth the risk of her having an affair -- she NEEDS to be away from you for her own safety.

Calling her stupid is not going to make it safe for her to come home. In fact, you're probably back to square one now since she is very likely reading this thread.

If you want her back, you're going to have to stop dwelling on her past affair. You're going to have to stop thinking about what she COULD do. You're going to have to start changing yourself. Today. No more abuse.

If you don't want to do that, and the risk seems too great, you are free to get a divorce.

Yesterday's broadcast, which is being rebroadcast online right now for the next 90 minutes or so, has a section on anger management. Have you listened to it? Will you be able to listen before it is replaced by today's live broadcast?

This approach won't work. Sorry. If you want your wife to be in love with you, you have to learn how to cultivate romance in your marriage.


This is probably because your balance in her love bank is so low right now. You may also need to be more thoughtful about when you are joking with her. It's easy for what you may intend as playful or flirting sarcasm to feel like ridicule to her, especially while she is unhappy with you.

If your humor insults her, what matters is that she feels insulted, not what your intentions with the humor were. Gotta start looking at things from that angle if you want to get anywhere. Drop the types of humor she doesn't like and focus on the types of things she does find funny right now. If you used to joke around with her a lot, your sense of humor is probably a good way to make LB deposits with her. But anything that makes her feel ridiculed has to go.

ProChoice,
I am not "naturally" romantic either. I used to feel foolish trying to be romantic because I really didn't know how. That's one of the things I love about MB: I don't need to be a natural, Dr. Harley figured it out for me. I don't even have to come up with ideas, my wife will tell me by filling out the ENQ. I can just do the easy part, the "labor". The design is done for me!

Affection being a high percentage EN for women, I decided that I should probably learn some skillz. I learned how to do a decent foot massage. This type of affection is usually well received, but it is non-intimate enough that it can't really be construed as trying to get a cheap thrill or leading up to "something else". It is rare and valuable and just intimate enough to be affection and yet wholly separate from sexual fulfillment. That served me pretty well in depositing love units. So now fast forward to having a disagreement with my wife...I usually assign myself a "penance" of delivering a foot message because I can do that without needing to speak. I understand how hard it is to deliver admiration and pleasant conversation when you are unhappy/not in love, so find another way.

Yeah, I get it that you feel like you are doing the heavy lifting in terms of change. So become the man that you think is a good husband, without expectations of your wife. Become that good/great/perfect husband because that is who you believe you should be. If you make the changes for you, because you believe in being that person, you will be able to sustain it indefinitely.

ProChoice,

I do not have the verbal restraint that others have here - calling your W 'stupid and gullible' in public here pretty much defines you! Just cluing you in - you have not made an iota of progress after all your time here and all your W's efforts. If you still express the venom you did in this post, then 1) your supposed counselor doesn't know crap about counseling in anger management, and neither do you about the subject, and 2) despite all your hurrahs about what you seem to be doing, you're not taking any of the advice here, nor do you know the first thing about MB! Nor do you seem to be interested. And, you're right - you're wife should be embarrassed that you are still her H. Despite all your talk, you still don't posses the humility to step back and consider yourself as others, esp. your wife, do. If you have any hope of saving your M, then I challenge you to get into counseling with Dr. Harley. You seem to fall back on your trait of browbeating people into your way of thinking, but I very much doubt you could browbeat him.

Tom

**EDIT**

Happyheart , your advise was great. Your post is being applied.

Ok

How do I listen to it now?

I am sorry I used the word stupid. I will work harder.

To listen to the radio show, wither download the ap if you have a smart phone or go to the top of this page on your computer and click Marriage Builders radio. My husband and I have learned a great deal from listening to Dr Harley everyday.

Show you're sorry by never doing at again.
Train yourself to never do it again by following Dr. Harley's recommendations on relaxation.
Will you get a GSR meter as he suggests?

Did you read this?

I'm done listening to anger management 101. Is there a disrespectful judgements 101 I could listen to?

Posting this angry, sarcastic, cryptic comment is silly and childish.

Make your point directly, and leave out the "smart alec" attitude. It isn't smart, it isn't funny, and it won't help you get support with your marital problem.

What is the problem?

Did you read this?

What is angry about stating he is done with one task that has been repeatedly pointed out about his demeanor and behavior and seeking out info from another thread about another love buster that has been repeatedly pointed out?

LTL

SugarCane, I am not posting for an unknown distant stranger to like me but since you are asking I will update. I had already agreed on following this program, yet my wife went ahead and called my father and told him about our worse fights that were ages ago and our recent fights. My father got sick worried about us and it breaks my heart to see my father so devastated. I had already agreed to follow this plan and calling my father was totally un- necessary and most certainly did not help our relationship at all. It caused huge love bank withdrawals as I believe that is a type of betrayal. When I found out about her affair, I did not expose her affair behind her back. I gave her the choice to expose herself and send the emails of the affair herself. That was a worse subject and I did not do it behind her back.
After she called father, I was ready to end the relationship. I was very upset, sad, mad, confused and I thought I knew her better, even after the affair, I thought she would never reveal some past incidents that were already over which I had already apologized.
But I promised my father everything would be alright, and then I decided to promise myself, and I went to get her to come back home. I haven't had a single AO since but I went back to antidepressants. The so called exposure caused more harm than benefits.
Now, as we start building our relationship, everything is disrespectful judgement for her. I am impatient, I am sarcastic, I get easily irritated, that is who I am. that is my perspnality and how I was when she decided to marry me and now I realize there is nothing really about me she liked. At the moments I was purposely being a jerk I see how I have to change that, but I come to realize this goes for the moments we are having a good time as well. Everything is a disrespectful judgement. So, since there were radio clips on anger, I thought I'd do my homework and listen to the radio clips on DJ and hence my previous post.
There are no perfect humans, hence no perfect marriages and I can't really see the outcome of this program but given the position I am finding myself, I either have to follow this plan or loose my family, I might as well follow it to the dot and just hope it works.

And yes Prisca, I read the articles. Don't agree being rude or irrespectful is abuse but will follow along the program and eliminate those issues. I rather listen than read.

I don't believe you're going to make it with that attitude.