Hello,

I have not read any of my wife's post at all nor do I have any intentions of reading.

I am here for advice with what I posted and agreeing as I need to change my behavior to deposit love units.

I fully admit to not following up on things as I believe this is one of the biggest love busters for my wife. I do need to be absolutely consistent in what we discuss.

The issue I feel is that I do say things that want to please in the moment to attempt (which is wrong) to smooth the argument.
I do in the moment agree to what she is saying in argument format.

I am asking for advice and insight from you all. I will not treat this forum as a way I fully admit to doing in the past.

I have always encouraged my wife talking to Dr. Harley and Joyce but it may seem like a lost cause at this point (as I have caused this).

I am going to start reading Remarks post and along with this thread to establish new habits that builds love in my marriage.

Again, I appreciate your response

All,

I used my wife and I's home computer to post and she was logged into her account. I let her know about this, and wanted to let everyone know that the above post is (1234qwer) post.

Okay, you have not actually read her posts, but my point was that the only thing that dragged you back here was the knowledge that she had come here, once again on the verge of walking out on you. You know that she did that, because she communicated it to you in some way, even though you did not read the posts.

Don't bother defending yourself against that charge. The evidence of how keen you were to post shows in the way that you posted, and what you said.

In any case, the issue in your marriage is not about posting. The issue is that you have never lifted a finger to address seriously your wife's unhappiness with you. You've driven her into depression and withdrawal, and you're still doing it. You don't really believe that she'll leave you, and so, with the complacency that this belief gives you, you think it is quite acceptable to continue making her unhappy, and not caring about how she feels.

Thank you for your reply.

You are correct in saying she is on the verge of walking out. Posting is an issue to her but I do agree that it only one of many but surely not the only issue.

In the past, I told her that I didn't believe she would walk out on me and that I felt I could do whatever I wanted. But this is definitely not the case any longer.
I see and feel the hurt I caused her and more than ever do I want to make her happy.

The problem that continues to come up is of following through on things that are said. Extraordinary precautions were put into place momentarily but not kept. I do understand why this issue is not fixed because I have chosen not to fix it. That is why my wife has been pushed this far, because I have pushed her to a place where she feels she has no other option.

I am actively reading "Remarks" post and on pg. 28 as of last night. Notes on Dr. Harley's responses and from the others with MB wisdom have been taken. As I continue to read, I believe I can gain more and more knowledge and wisdom to apply to my situation.

Look forward to posting and answering any questions that are posed to fully change my behavior.

Tell me why you don't follow through on your commitments.

This is all such utter crap. You came here seven months ago saying the same and here you still are saying you are now serious...THIS time.


I don't. Your wife has to get to the point of being depressed, exhausted and ready to leave before you ever do anything...rinse and repeat. You are lazy and uncaring. A separation from your uncaring behavior would do her a world of good IMO.

Why do I not follow up on my commitments?

I have been a person that tries to smooth things over at the time to please my wife. The problem is there has not been any actions steps to correct the behavior to create new habits. At the time, I have the intentions to do it, but again never follow through because things seem to be going well for a couple of days.
This may not answer your question to the extent you are looking for but I want nothing more than to have current fixes in place without having a slip up.

Black Raven,

I understand why you gave me the rolling of eyes. I also understand why you would say that she needs to separate.

As I have stated I am here to take this seriously as I should have from the beginning and am regretful for all of the time that I wasted not doing it.

There have been some things that she has asked for that have been turned over to her control. All of the financial cards that we own, she tracks and monitors. A company credit card, she gets all of the emails when the card is due with amounts etc.. My smart phone usage I used for inappropriate things and I have a flip phone now without any data plan attached to it. My email accounts she has access to and she has all of the username and passwords to them. When I go anywhere outside of the house, I send her a text or phone call to let her know I arrived at my destination and when I leave. (I have slipped on this a couple of times). At my work office that I share, she has the phone number there to ensure I am in the place I said I am.

I am stating these to ask does this put all the work on her? Please do not misunderstand me as trying to "prove" my side here. I want to put in the work to fix the things (above) as she asked to establish new habits. As I read in Remarks post, the couple of times of slippage can never happen. It must be 100% not 98.7 percent or 99.5% and I am fully on board with the anticipation of Dr. Harley's guidance on Friday.
I have a work commitment that I thought was on Wednesday but it is on Thursday. I emailed Joyce to let her know the situation and I am now pushed to Friday. All of the emails between Joyce and I were forwarded to my wife.

I want to answer as much questions as possible to gain insight to apply to my marriage and stop my behavior.

Thank you for owning up to this.

How is this changing today? What have you done today that was an improvement on what you did yesterday?

i am changing this by taking a polygraph yesterday to clear up suspected lies that my wife has expressed hurt over. The results of the polygraph hopefully will be received by my wife tomorrow.

Sigh.

Tell us why you lied.

Today my polygraph came back and I failed all of the questions.
I lied to protect my actions. I don�t want to make her unhappy by going into details of the affair, so I try to skirt the issue and take shortcuts and not call it for what it is. She gave me chances to do it, but this is just like many other instances in our marriage where the repercussions are so much worst and I havent learned my lesson.
There is not any logical reason why I lied and I realize that instead of protecting my family especially my wife's feelings I have pushed her over the edge.
I talked to the polygrapher and he said some of the questions that were asked also could have meant there was numerous times with the same lady etc that my spouse didnt not know about. He did say at the end of the conversation, that he doesnt know what my situation is, but said if there is something you need to tell your wife you should.
I have lied to my wife so much that I cannot even remember what I told her and didnt tell her. I went into the polygrpah with these other instances thinking I could push them away and everything will come back positive. I know as stupid and crazy as that sounds it is my true thought process.
After my results, I emailed her and told her the absolute truth with the different instances with my affair that I thought she didnt know about. My wife explained to me that she did know and obviously she wants me out.
I agreed to leave, but would like to know what the next step is. It is a sad life I have created for my family especially my wife. My wife is left to pick up the pieces with our girls and our church etc� I did not want this to happen at all in our marriage but it is a reality. I have destructive ways and want to change them so bad!!!!!
My wife states that she now knows that there were numerous affairs because of these reults, but there was and is not. There was one affair which I know one is enough, but I am not lying. I also understand that it is her perspective that matters and by being decietful it has left her no other choice.
While I was on the show today, my wife called me and I could not answer. I did not see the text messages she sent telling me that I failed the test till after the show.
Can anyone help and give me what the next step is. I have already emailed the Harleys confessing my failed test also.
Now that the truth is out, do you recommend going back and taking another test to show and prove that it is the truth?
Dr. Harley while on the phone befor e the show said that I may need to take test every 3 months to show that I am telling the truth to win back her love and trust. I know this though was a devestating blow that might have ended it. I sure hope not.

As a next step I suggest you follow The law of holes. Someone gave me very similar advice here at some point and it turned out to be very good advice.

I suppose there is some slim chance that it is "true" that there was "only one affair." But it's 100% certain that this is not the full truth. Your words here make it completely obvious that even now, you are still holding back.

I suggest you get a copy of Dr. Harley's Personal History Questionnaire and fill it out, and also, separately, write out a complete confession. Include the answer to this question: what questions are you hoping that your wife never asks?

Provide the completed questionnaire to your wife along with a copy of the confession, and provide a copy of the confession to your daughters and to your church. Do it because it's the right thing to do, and accept whatever decisions she makes.

Send a copy of the confession to Dr. Harley as well, and apologize for lying to him and Joyce. Ask them to read it on the air.

Of course there was! You lied to try to stay out of trouble.

MelodyLane posted this to you last year. Have you read Dr. Harley's chapter on Dishonesty in his book Love Busters, yet? He identifies four types of liars.

Markos,

Thank you for the guidance. I have printed the Personal History and Questionnaire and have started to fill it out. Law of Holes that fits me perfectly.

I am following your guidance with the confessions to each party also after I get done with the questionnaire.

The type of liars I have read, but have not applied the following pages and steps to Overcome Dishonesty. I have been 3 out of 4 types on a pretty regular basis. I am in great hopes that I can change this behavior by creating new habits. Dr. harley states "Fortunately, these three types of dishonesty CAN be overcome." The Way Ahead has been clearly shown and ignored on my part. This program nor any program cannot fuction with half hearted efforts and I hope to rebuild my wife's trust and confidence in me as I create these new habits.

Include the parts that you haven't told anyone, yet.

BTW, what have you not told anyone, yet?

Markos,

Ok understood. My church knows about the affair, but not all the details. My church aslo knows about my issue with lying. We were getting counseling from our Pastor but it fell off also.

Our kids do not know the situation but are not oblivious to the strife that is in the house. Not sure if you meant if we told them or not.

Is there anything I have not told anyone?
No. Today was the last of the information that needed to be shared. When I wrote my wife this afternoon, I gave details that I thought were not known which she said she did know most.

I don't believe you. Nobody is going to go into a polygraph hiding 'details' when the affair as a whole is already known. And it looks like you already did provide the details and just don't remember?

You are still hiding something much bigger.

Any rational person, and I'm sure your wife is one, would not believe that story and would assume that you are hiding something much bigger, like other A's.

Your only chance in hell right now is to come totally totally clean to your wife, and then schedule a polygraph to confirm it, and pass it. If coming totally clean means divulging things that will likely make your wife NEVER want to reconcile with you, that is exactly where you are right now only because of the lying instead of the deeds. There is a slim chance that she could move forward from the deeds but at this point I think it is safe to say she will never move forward with the continued lies.

Not to mention that telling her the truth, whether she chooses to stay or go, is the most respectful and loving thing you can do for her right now. If you really want to be selfless and make this right, that is.