It gets better when your wife is in love with you. What are her top five emotional needs?

Listen to this again, and tell your doctor you are still struggling with strong emotions (anger). See about having your antidepressant adjusted.

Marcos,
I like your recommendation to listen to this every day. It has helped to remind me that there is not supposed to be much progress right now.

She hasn't filled out the worksheet yet, unfortunately. That has been another point of disappointment and frustration. I should have expected it considering her lack of desire to participate in recovery. I will ask her again if she will work on it, or at least just review the list of emotional needs and identify those most important to her.

This is an exceedingly difficult process, but I've got to keep finding the strength to persevere, in spite of my personal struggle with the process.

Eddy

Can I ask, is it typical for me as the BH to question so strongly my motivation for trying to save my marriage?

I presume most people who are in Plan A doing so because they really want to save their marriage, not because they just don't want to get divorced yet.

Is there such a thing as a fog for the betrayed spouse as well?

Is this just a sort of PTSD I'm going through?

Is this a phase, or is it the beginning of the end?

Where does that leave me, walking the path towards recovery and not knowing if recovery is what I want?

I don't at all like my state right now. It's really unfortunate I'm feeling this way, given how hard I worked to end this affair and how much anguish I endured to get to a state where I could even begin to work on rebuilding my marriage.

I'm just being honest here, but I really don't think I'm in love my wife anymore. She's even showing signs of coming around, but it doesn't much matter to me right now.

I'm still doing and saying all the right things for Plan A, but my heart is not in it to the degree that I believe it should be.

What does all this mean?

Eddie

I think it means you're human. You probably won't have those feelings until she enthusiastically meets your needs like she used to. I think Jon in SAA was where you are emotionally when Sue finally came around.

I sent the same post as an email to Dr. Harley, they are going to discuss it on today's show.

This is a normal feeling. You are not obligated to stay married down the road if you choose not to. Plan A helps to give BS time to make decisions after careful consideration vs in haste when crazed with emotions right after Dday.

You may feel better if WW steps up and provides Just Compensation. But there is also nothing wrong if later you decided you no longer want to stay in the marriage. Some people can't live with it. Healing takes time regardless.

Here it is.

Radio Clip of EddieHead's E-mail

I discovered more text communications between the two of them yesterday. I confronted WW and she admitted to it. I told OMW, and she confronted OM. OMW indicated to me that she is filing for divorce. We'll see. Or maybe I won't see. I don't really care what they do.

I'm done with Plan A. WW is a weak, selfish person who is incapable of reason or compassion. To continue to maintain contact with OM while she sees how hard I have been working to rebuild our love is despicable.

I have done nothing but try and create a comfortable, loving environment for her to heal. I have sought counseling and taken antidepressants. I have done everything she asked, and much that she didn't. I've worked very hard, endured absolute hell, and have bitten my tongue countless times while she sat by and did nothing to save this marriage.

I have no more patience for this woman. I need to protect my rights to my daughter, so I can show her that at least one of her parents is a good role model.

WW says shes willing to work on things now, but I see that it won't help. I also don't believe her. She'll never end contact with OM as long as she's got a comfortable life at home with me. I don't see how I can agree to that now.

I've been a fool, but I am stronger for it. They can have each other. They'll both be homeless soon enough anyway. Perhaps they can reserve that hotel room they frequented on so many afternoons.

Thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate your direction and willingness to help. I only wish it had worked out differently.

Eddie

How is she willing to "work on things now"? Is she willing to do everything on Dr H's list of requirements for recovery?

She could stop the temptation to text by giving up her phone, and maybe her job, and you might have to move house, too. Most waywards keep in contact behind the BS's back, even when there is no real chance of them being together forever because one of them won't leave the marriage. My own H did that, for 5 years beyond D Day. It took his retirement from work altogether to cut off the avenue of contact, which was the workplace.

You could work on NC if you wanted to give this another try, but if you're certain of your decision, you won't want to explore that.

Eddie,

Really sorry to hear that, but it�s a bit like finding an alcoholic in a bar, we don�t want them there, but we know it is always a possibility. This is why moving away is so important.

I don�t know if this helps, but I�ve observed on this forum and with some of the people I know that an affair with an authority figure, teachers coaches minister cops who occupy a position of trust is really bad and take longer to recover from.

Gamma

yeah. I believe its because this guy

Yeah. I believe part of it is because OM feels he's above the law. He feels he's invincible because he is a cop. Apparently that applies to the laws of life as well, as he sees it anyway. Maybe WW is attracted to that. I am certainly not that way. I have tend to "follow the rules" more often than not, because I gravitate towards order rather than chaos.

for what its worth, I did suggest moving several times, but she never agreed. she agrees now, but I don't think I'll bother with saving this anymore.

At any rate, in the long run I think I will come out on top. I'm disappointed, but I'm not sad. Maybe that's the antidepressants, but I think there's some liberation in all this as well.

Sorry to read that Eddie. I am not surprised but it sucks.

Have you exposed this latest break in NC to friends and family?

I exposed to OMW and my family. I have been advised against further re-exposure for now by my lawyer since it may work against me in matters of custody. As sad as it sounds, courts in my state don't consider infidelity in custody cases, and they usually side heavily in favor of the mother. If I am to gain custody, I have to keep an absolutely pristine image, and that means no FB posts, mass phone calls/mailings, or anything else that may be able to be used to paint me as someone with character flaws.

its unfortunate, because I had a FB friends list all read to go, but I suppose if it didn't work last time, it's not going to do any good this time either.

There will be plenty of time for the world to learn of this after divorce proceedings are complete

I was not suggesting an fb or mass exposure...I meant exposure to immediate family and possibly close friends that are in your support network.

Nothing to her family? If D is filed they will find out so you may want to consider calling them to let them know if that is your plan.

ETA: And it leaves no room for her to spin some other story about the reason.

Ahh...yeah that makes sense. I wasn't thinking about her family. I agree I should do that.

EH,

I was really rooting for you guys to make it, so sorry to hear of this turn of events. Stay strong and keep checking in here as I am sure the vets will help you navigate this no matter what direction it takes.

The first step on recovery is No Contact.
Unfortunately you never made It that far.
I also divorced my wife when she refused to end her affair and got custody of my kids.
Hopefully you will at least get 50-50

Eddie,

At this point, it would be good for you and your daughter if you went into Plan B. I highly recommend it. It will save you and your sanity.

In terms of custody, if she continues in her affair, chances are that she will try to keep spending a considerable amount of time with him, so you will start establishing a "status quo" on custody that involves you being the primary parent. Wayward spouses are so caught up in what they are doing that they are not very good parents. I am rooting for you on that one. Your daughter needs her devoted father.

Dr. Harley would probably recommend Plan A.
Besides, Plan B is a specific plan to save a marriage. If he is not intent on saving the marriage there is no point in him doing it.
If she lives in the house he will be unable to get her to move out anyway and under no circumstances should he leave his home.