Sir,

You do understand that you should not leave your home dont you?

You did not acknowledge my post, but I would just reiterate what I said: she has apparently agreed to end contact now. She is not refusing to end her affair. In fact, you wrote this yesterday:

She appears to be recognising the futility of her affair, and seems to be willing to give it up, just at the point when you have had more than enough. That is fair enough, but you will have to accept seeing less of your daughter in the future, and you will have to accept another man in her (your daughter's) life at some point in the future. It won't be that cop, because that relationship is too insane for them even to try and make it permanent, but it will be someone else, someday.

That seems a shame to me, when your wife is now saying that she will stop the affair. She is as addicted to her OM as anyone in an affair, but she is not some special kind of evil wayward who will follow a dangerous, violent, drug-addicted felon even if it means losing her own child. You can get her to work on NC and recovery, and you can keep other men away from your daughter's life now. In my opinion, it's a shame to throw that chance away.

Looks like Plan A worked. I'm at a loss why you went through all that only to give up now.

I didn't suggest that he should leave--just go into Plan B if he is not going to save it. She should leave. Although, you are right that he cannot make her. Plan B is not only a marriage-saving strategy. It also protects the betrayed spouse from further abuse. Repeated D-days are traumatic

But again, it depends on what he wants to do.

Plan B is a specific plan used to save a marriage from an affair.
it does this by preserving the love bank balance and protecting the health of the betrayed spouse.
However, there is no way this poster can do Plan B at this point.
If he doesnt want to save the marriage there is no point in Plan B anyway.
Plan A and Plan B are used to save marriages.

No contact after divorce helps recovery but is not Plan B

Also in Plan A or B the husband should not ask the cheating wife to leave the home.

When I consulted my lawyer she said it was a "horrible idea" to expose my wife's affair to my kids (Even though they pretty much had a front row seats to all the phone conversations that were going on). Has anyone really been burned in a divorce because they exposed an affair to save the marriage?

SpacemanSpiff,

You wrote, When I consulted my lawyer she said it was a "horrible idea" to expose my wife's affair to my kids (Even though they pretty much had a front row seats to all the phone conversations that were going on

Growing up nearly every other child who had parents in an affair knew something was very wrong in their families, often they had seen something or heard something. In my Ws case she caught her father and he promised to do things for her as a bribe. Of course that was just another lie.

This lawyer is looking out for your legal well being perhaps, but is thinking nothing for your childrens' mental health which is much more important.

Be glad Doctors, Teachers, EMTs and other useful professionals don't have to go to law school first.

Gamma

Has anyone ever really being "penalized" in the custody arrangement because they exposed the affair that caused the divorce?

SpacemanSpiff,

Everyone who does not expose to their children is penalized by having to lie to their children for the rest of their lives.

Gamma

My kids thanked me for telling them the truth, my youngest knew something was very wrong already. They were pre-teen and early teens.

No penalty for me, the penalty is with the my ex (relationship with the kids is almost nothing). So in a way it hurt the kids, but that is because my ex refuses to accept responsibility and continues the lies.

Thank you all for your comments.

I've been busy figuring this all out for the last few days. I'll comment further later tonight or Monday. I could use the opinion and the advice of folks on this forum as it pertains things that have happened since my last post.

I'll update you all soon

Eddie

It is a horrible idea to lie to your children about the source of tension in their home. Lying to them leaves them vulnerable to the fallout of the affair and teaches them that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable. It just causes them great confusion and leaves them ill prepared for the crisis that has hit their family.

A lawyers sole goal is to facilitate an amicable divorce. They want you to make their job as easy as possible. Keep in mind that a lawyer cares nothing about your children and lying to them to placate an uncaring, callous lawyer is gross parental neglect. YOU are responsible for your children, not the lawyer. YOU answer for their well being, NOT the lawyer.

I have been here for 14 years and have NEVER seen any person "burned" for telling their children the truth. But I have seen children BURNED when their parents lied to them about what was happening in their own lives.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Not that I have ever heard of, but a marriage is much more likely to end in divorce if it is not exposed. I have seen many marriages fail over the years when they were not exposed. Affairs thrive on secrecy so when they are not exposed, they are more likely to lead to divorce.

It is the lawyers goal to facilitate an easy divorce, it is not to save a marriage or do what is best for the BS or the children. Our goal is to save the marriage and/or do the best thing for the welfare of the children. Even if a BS decides not to divorce, he should expose the affair. If that is not done, the WS will quietly integrate the OP into his life and the family members will be none the wiser. The result is that the BS will be facing the OP for years.

There are BHs on these forums who have SOLE custody - and wouldn't have it if they had not exposed.

Exposure requires a lawyer to actually DO something as opposed to sitting back, getting paid while you get squashed by a shameless wayward with a right to whatever she wants.

If the lawyer is talking about her experience - she will be thinking of things that aren't really exposure too. Its common for angry rants and raving to be directed at children in contentious divorces - but true exposure bears no resemblance to that.

Sometimes angry ranting is done by betrayed spouses, but more often than not a wayward will say all kinds of damaging untrue things to the kids - like the BH is abusive or she is scared of letting him have the kids. Courts won't tolerate mud slinging, brain washing and lies.

Exposure is totally different and entirely outside of a lawyer's field of experience. It is respectful, it is honest and it is asking for people's help to save the marriage. The children are encouraged to be respectful to the wayward parent - and indeed to talk to them about what's going on.

It isn't illegal to tell anyone the truth in a calm and respectful way. It's also a vital protection for the children to know what's going on given how often mum's loser boyfriend is the child molestor in abuse figures.

BS's can always say they have the backing of a clinical psychologist for this course of action - but it honestly isn't anyone's business what you do or do not tell your children. You are their moral guide and protector in this world and in this confusion - they need calm, honest clarity.

Besides which, it is only responsible to find out WHAT they know or may have seen. Too many children bear the burden of a cheating parent's secret.

Sir,

I exposed to my children and was not penalized in any way. I have primary custody also.

Dr. Harley encourages exposure but its a choice you have to make.
If you dont expose you will be blamed by the kids for the divorce and they may end up having a relationship with OM never knowing he destroyed their home.

At the end of the day, it is the parent who stands before God and answers for his parenting. No lawyer, court bureaucrat, teacher, neighbor has to answer for your child's upbringing. A parent is responsible for taking bad advice from uncaring, uninvested bystanders who hold no responsibility for that child. No one else cares about your child as much as you. No one else is legally or morally responsible for your child, especially a lawyer who has never even met your child.

Lying to children about an affair is reckless and irresponsible, IMO. Children are not made happy or secure believing illusions about their lives. It just makes them confused, insecure, and ill prepared for life.

Sorry, but that is pisspoor parenting.

Regarding the exposure to my child, the argument is moot because she is only 18 months old.

Remember, I had already exposed this affair months ago. this would be a re-exposure.

I have a very good lawyer whom I trust and who cares very much for my situation. What my legal counsel was advising against was a re-exposure to OM and OMW friends and family via facebook, text, posting flyers around town, etc. etc. My lawyer understands that I would be doing this to protect my daughter, but it's no guarantee that the courts would interpret it as such.

The odds of me getting full custody are slim to begin with, since infidelity is not considered in the matter of custody.

They get worse if I do anything that could be spun as malicious or vengeful. I must keep a completely pristine image.

We are exploring options to apply pressure through his employer and union.

I hope we can put the exposure argument to rest. I've got some other questions that are more pertinent.

?????