There was a time when H would be on good behavior only while we were on UA time together. During our regular life H would continue to LB me. Whatever gains we made, were soon lost. Eliminating LB's has to come first.

Yes, it took us a long time to figure out our UA. It was going along pretty good, until the renovation started. We logged in 15 hours last week.

I have a question about a radio show this week. They replayed a show from March 5 about apologizing and how to complain.

Dr Harley said a complaint can be about something a spouse doesn't do. So in our case, I asked the question above, How do I handle my H's complaint of not doing the dishes often enough or cooking supper enough? If he says to me, "It bothers me that you don't do this every night." How then can I do it to a level I'm enthusiastic about? Let's say, H wants me to cook 5 nights and week and all the dishes are done before bedtime. Which I don't want to do.

From what I understood Dr Harley saying is that I need to do what my H wishes, in order to show that I care about him. Regardless, if I'm not enthusiastic about doing that much housework. It seems like the magic phrase is "It bothers me when...." Anything less than what "doesn't bother your spouse" isn't an option. But, I thought this would fall under domestic support and thus would be POJA'd?

My H has a high need for domestic support, but I'm not enthusiastic about meeting it to his expectations. The show from March 5, seemed to say that a caring spouse does nothing that bothers the other spouse.

I've received advice here about being enthusiastic while meeting needs. My H would definitely say, "It bothers me that we don't make love five nights a week. But, I'm not enthusiastic about five nights. Anything less, bothers him.

What are your hours for the last 12 weeks? (you should have a record)

Tenacious, write Dr. Harley a letter about this and see if he will answer it on the show.

For Domestic Support, there is a procedure to follow in the Domestic Support chapter of His Needs, Her Needs that is just perfect. Ask your husband if he will follow it with you.

If there's something you are not doing that your husband would like you to do, his "complaint" should be a request - and a request is something you can decline. You don't use "it bothers me when you don't." Instead you use "How would you feel about doing ... ?" and "I'd like it if you would ... "

None of this is MB.

"It bothers me...." is for things you are doing, that you stop doing until you POJA an alternative. Demands cloaked in MB wording are still demands. You have to care enough for the long term relationship to respectfully insist that all solutions are reached by POJA. Capitulation and sacrifice are not part of extraordinary care.

You may want to read his recent book on negotiations

We don't keep the schedules. February and March were anywhere from 10 to 16 hours out of the house. With additional hours for time spent alone in our bedroom from 9 to 10pm.

April was a bust for sure. We were knee deep in construction.

I sent an email to Dr H this morning.

My husband doesn't like Dr H's solution to domestic support. We made the lists. His list is full of stuff he wants done and done frequently, but he doesn't want to do it.

He says because the kids and I make the messes we should clean them up. We dirty most of the dishes, the floors and counters. We leave textbooks and papers about, art supplies.... And he feels like the kids and I are home more, that we have more time available to clean.

Yes, we make our own schedule, but it's not like we are lying about doing nothing all day. We homeschool. Learning is always happening in our house.

His expectation is that learning ends at 3:00. The kids and I straighten the house and I start dinner. But, sometimes we aren't home at three. We might be at a class or running errands after the class.

So far, H has committed to sorting and folding the clean laundry on Saturday morning. I do my own laundry because I like it washed in allergy free soap. And he mows the grass, but it's not exclusive to him; sometimes one of us does it.

The kids and I do everything else.

DH has always made DJs about my level of cleanliness. In our recent argument he said cleanliness is a moral issue. He said things like "I just can't believe....." "I just don't understand..." He went on about how, when he was a kid, nobody had to tell him to clean up his room, or tell him to cut some wood for the fire. He just knew it was the right thing to do.

His judgment hurts me.

Did you tell that it hurts you?

Your husband is trying to persuade you to be clean through moral enlightenment aka disrespect.

On the other hand, you seem to be valuing the kids' home schooling above his need to have order when he comes home.

It seems like he is trying to tell you that he is only enthusiastic with the home schooling as long as you clean up as you go. School teachers have to teach the kids to clean up after each project.

I know that it is easier said than done. I have struggled with this too. However, if you were to acknowledge his feelings then maybe you would brainstorm for ways to end the school day earlier and incorporate the value of respect for their environment into the home school curriculum?

This appears to be an example of how disrespect DEMOTIVATES our spouses (per Dr. Harley). Because he is lecturing you, you have shut down your willingness to brainstorm.

Just musing here.

When couples have been here a while and struggle to see and eliminate their lovebusters, they probably need the online accountability program.

Start keeping them.

Anything less than 15 hours does not count. You need to keep the schedules so you can see what you are actually getting.

And there's your biggest problem.

Yes, I told him.

He says, though, that when he walks in the house after work and the house is a mess and there's no dinner...he is hurt. I'm not meeting his DS need and it hurts him.

Or he could do it himself.

Like it or not, if he wants it done more than you than he needs to be the one to do it. He can make requests, but you are under no obligation to do it his way. You are under no obligation to change your schedule to fulfill his demands that what he wants cleaned be done by a certain time.

This is a demand. He cannot demand that you clean what he wants, and when he wants.

That's correct. Dr. Harley told me not to complain to Prisca this way.

Dr. Harley also says that if your husband makes demands, you should refuse to meet them. Tell him you will be willing to negotiate DS if he is willing to drop the demands.

I agree with everything you said.

I am willing to brainstorm, but he doesn't want to move off his position. He thinks his way is best. It's a bit like the no pets in the house issue we had. He is only satisfied with no pets in the house. I can see his side. I'm "forcing" him to live with messiness. Sorta like "forcing" him to live with pets in the house. The pets had to go outside. I even had to concede that he had my blessing to dispose of any he didn't want.

"I even had to concede......"

That doesn't sound like you are enthusiastic about that. It sounds like you gave into a demand and you dh is continuing to demand as it is working for him. Is your dh on board for POJA?

Have a look at what Dr. Harley told me. Ask your husband if he will read this with you, and pass along that I'd love to discuss it with him here. I'm sure Dr. Harley would also love to discuss it with him - mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.


Here's the original for those who can access the private forum:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2405440#Post2405440

I think your husband needs to drop this way of talking to you. It is abusive.