So Melody, how would you suggest this be approached, because he is so very angry, nothing I say will matter. She is the one in his life, she will be there forever.......in his head......he's going to marry her he said......and I don't know how to approach this letter.

I do think it's a bad sign for him though, when the lawyer even rolls her eyes, and snickers when she hears that's who the affair is with.

You need to accept the fact that nothing you say will matter and has not mattered through any of this. You only have control over yourself. That is all.

The goal of Plan B is only to remove yourself from his circle of abuse. Hanging around as an "option" has caused you enormous emotional pain and has made you look less attractive to him.

The Plan B letter is telling him you are taking back control of your life and he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form unless it is through your designated intermediary.

So, approach the letter in the normal way. Send it to him or drop it off at the restaurant.

Hi Ginger, I caught up on your thread tonight and you are doing amazing. No matter what happens, YOU my dear will always be able to KNOW down to your soul that you truly did to everything that you could to save your marriage!

As far as the OWs Mom "dying" (aren't we all?), how would your speaking THE TRUTH to this Mother in any way make you a bad person? Do you truly believe that?

This woman deserves to know the truth about her daughter, whom she very likely loves, and so will probably choose to try to guide her daughter away from evil and a surely lonely life.

I don't think that you can afford to fail telling the TRUTH to this woman, who may possibly be the most effective exposure target out there.

Are there any sample Plan B letters that a person can build off of?

One of the reasons your "Plan A" was so ineffective is because you weren't fighting against the affair so he had no reason to stop. "Plan A's" like that can go on for YEARS with no change. It seemed like you were actually COOPERATING with his plan of destruction, which dragged this out and allowed it to become more entrenched. Another problem is that he is a serial cheater and has never learned from his mistakes.

However, your exposure dealt a huge blow to the affair so there is a small hope.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

The OW pulled her FB page offline, and no one will speak to me about her anymore. I don't know that I could even figure out who the mother is. Either way, whatever happens, it is not something I am comfortable doing, and I will not do it. I respect the elderly to much. I called H dad yesterday, and he said to me, "I don't mean any disrespect, I care about both of you, but I am 70 years old, I'm in bad health, I'm on lots of medications, and the last thing I need to effect my health is to get in the middle of this."

I just can't bring myself to do it.

Thank you Melody.

Sometimes thw dying words of a loving elderly relative can change the course of someone's life for the better

Did you have your recorder on? This is why it was recommended that you get one... so that you have proof that WH is bullying you.





Were you there when this went down? Did the officer really tell YOU that you would be fined?

You need to call the sheriff and ask why they did not protect you when you had already brought the situation to their attention the night before.



That is your WH's plan. To get you to go back to enabling his affair.

Be strong Ginger.

I think this is very, very disrespectful to the elderly and it also implies that something other than the AFFAIR would be the source of the upset. Affairs and otherwise bad behavior UPSET parents. That is not the fault of the messenger.

I am sorry to hear your father in law cares nothing about his son or your marriage, but that is most certainly not the reaction of a caring parent. Most parents DO CARE. We have had many "elderly" parents intervene and effectively persuade their grown children to stop their affair.

You are missing a CRITICALLY important exposure for no other reason than your wayward husband has bullied and cowed you into silence. You won't ever win that way!

e]
Obviously he does not care about his son. What kind of a parent says he doesn't want to get involved when his own child is making dreadful, self destructive choices? A parent who doesn't care, thats who...

It is a huge mistake to ASSUME that the OW's mother is just as callous and uncaring as your FIL.

The Police department does not have the authority to fine you for emails.
That is protected by the first Amendment of in the Bill of Rights: Freedom of Speech.
If the police threatened to fine or imprison you then contact a civil rights attorney for a multi million dollar lawsuit or contact the ACLU.

More likely your husband TOLD you the city would fine you for sending emails.

Did you have your recorder on? This is why it was recommended that you get one... so that you have proof that WH is bullying you. [/quote]

He texted it to me. But he spun the story so the police believed him, that I was trying to hurt myself. Like he cares.





Were you there when this went down? Did the officer really tell YOU that you would be fined?

[/quote]

No, and I've learned not to believe him. The things he told me last night were so hurtful. Especially to tell me a customer called me selfish. He's lying to cover his butt.

I do believe this to be true. He's trying to deflect.

I have such a soft spot for the elderly, I'm sorry, I know it may be a risk, but please respect my choice. I've seen a picture of her, and she does look very frail. I could not live with myself if something happened after my interactions with her, because whether it was my fault or not, you can guarantee they would hold it against me.

One of his excuses was because he had done something in his past that he was not proud of, and felt it hypocritical to be telling his son he was wrong. Don't agree with it, but I have to respect his choice.

That is a huge miss for absolutely no valid reason. And I thought they told you she was dead? Of course they will hold every interference against you, that is not a legitimate reason to miss such an opportunity.

The reasons you give make no sense so I have to conclude they have scared you into submission. If there is nothing wrong with their affair, what could possibly be wrong with telling her mother?

I would strongly suggest you expose to the OW's mother. That is a critical exposure that shouldn't be skipped for frivolous reasons.

I suspected he was probably wayward just like his son. I could think of no other explanation for his callous and uncaring response.

]
With all due respect, that is an excuse. A poor one at that.