Didnt quit and all,

The accountability plan that I am doing will not accomplish BOTH of the objectives. The accountability plan that I am doing now are phone calls and text messages with out of state and in state partners. I do not have anyone as far as a friend that I hang out with here in the state. Its just my family and I. Our church members are most of older folks and live 20 to 30 minutes away from us. My current plan seemed like the best option for the situation we are in. If not, let me know what your thoughts are...

Since yesterday was Mothers Day, I didnt call either of them. My day was focused on my w. Some of our girls were sick, so my w went to Church while I stayed with the others. Got her some gifts and wrote her a letter. The day prior I helped our girls make a home made craft for her.

Went to lunch with her and didnt want to bring up anything, but to have a good lunch with the family. Wanted it to be pleasant for her and now not being around them on a consistant basis, really makes me appreciate them as I have taken a lunch with my family for granted. Came home and my eldest daughter and I went to Church.

After all the girls went down to bed, conversations about our relationship started and didnt end well because of something very insensitive I said (will tell below). She also was trying to tell me about her feelings about how this (my actions) were the same pattern. I then (being stupid) tried to unvalidate her feelings by saying it is not and told her how I am seeking help in areas in my life etc...(love buster after love buster)

I have now arrived to the point where I immediately see what I said and how it minimizes my w feelings. I need to get to the point where I think about what I say before I say them. It is a love buster that I committed when I cannot afford anymore. I also realize with the limited time that I have with her, that I cannot spend it hurting her even more.

The statement I said that initially hurt was about another lie detector test. She said Friday late afternoon that she agreed to another test from a different adminstrator. Last night she said about the concerns about money and spending it for me to lie again and how much all of these tests are costing. She previously told me that we have the money for the other test, but I feel from her that it is more about the results and the continual expectation and hurt that each test involves (I understand this completely). The hurtful statement was "I didn't know I was going to fail the second one". Again, immediately after I said it, I knew I should not have said that and it caused her to walk away.

I know this is a long post, but wanted to tell all exactly what happened and where we are at. Today, I wlll be making an appt with another polygraph test (after I get my w approval)and set an appt to get my w the truth.

Also,

nothing from Dr. H as of yet...

Find something of value to YOU (and not her), perhaps some memorabilia from childhood or family heirloom that is worth some money, and sell it to make the money to pay for the third poly. If I were her I would be getting resentful shelling out money that could be used for my kids, for yet another polygraph, after you have failed two already.

Excellent idea!

I already let you know what I think. I did that by spending over an hour of my time, sifting through posts on the private forum to find something that I had remembered reading over 2 years ago after paying about $1000 for access to Dr. Harley's direct advice to people. Then I caringly posted Dr. Harley's advice for how to overcome this problem and you are ignoring it.

And you just got through telling me that your plan is not going to cover those objectives. Really? Sell something and pay one of those sweet older church men, chosen by your wife, to shadow you and teach you how to represent your life accurately.

How hard was that to think of? You don't seem serious. Anyone can call their best friend and feign an accountability plan. It won't work. You must put yourself in a position where you are not ABLE to lie in order to learn how to be truthful. You seem to be slacking because you think that your wife is considering giving you a chance.

Even if you did clear your name on the polygraph, you are still a liar. Your wife needs to see a plan to change

Have you notified the MODS so they can let Dr. Harley know?

I have posted things on CL to get money for the next test. There are some other things that will go on tomorrow.

Brain Hurts:

What are the "MODS"? I have two emails for Dr. H, but I have been using the mbradio one to send to.

Can you clarify this.

Going through my old Army box, I found a copy of His Needs, Her Needs in my deployment box. It was a big punch to the stomach to know I had the book and never cracked it open. I didn't remember I grabbed it, but what a great surprise at the same time.

Did you just skip over this? Passing the poly would't be enough for your wife. You need a plan where you are forced to learn to be truthful. Otherwise, how can she ever know that you are telling the truth when you have shown that you favor your own comfort over her protection?

Did you ever hear back from Dr. Harley?

The "MODS" are the moderators. When you click on the notify it goes to the moderators and they can relay the message to Dr. Harley. So let them know you've written Dr. Harley twice and you still haven't heard back from Dr Harley.

Brain Hurts:

Just did the "notify" process and let them know about not hearing back from Dr. H

Didnt Quit:

About the accountability plan... Would my w be in the best position to conduct this plan? You recommended a person from Church to complete this with me with my w approval correct? I am struggling with this (not because I disagree with being accountable) but because of the difference in situations.
I have lied to protect myself and yes at times with random things about my day. I agree that I am ( wanting to acknowledge what I have done) 3 out of the 4 types of liars that Dr. H states with the exception being the "born liar". I have not lied to my w up to date, since after my first test where I finally told her about all the affairs I have had.

Yes since then, I failed the second test, but that is why I am so against the results because I am not lying to her about the additional affairs etc...Nor on a day to day basis on what I had for lunch, where I am going, who I am with, who I am calling on my phone. Please understand I am not writing this to be arrogant whatsoever and again agree with the accountability plan and shadow.
I am taking leave from work after this next week. This would help facilitate the shadow process better. What do you recommend?

I understand there is very little confidence from my w and others on the forum in regards to me telling the truth because of my track record. I am here for help to best build love in my marriage that my actions have destroyed.

I posted very late this morning as for the last couple of days we have had a sick baby very little sleep. After reading my post this morning, I realize that I wrote some things that were not considerate of my w.
It is not about me "knowing" I have not lied, but my w knowing. I want my w to be happy and ensure that I am not doing anything further to make love bank withdraws.
I will discuss the shadow plan and what is recommended in the thread with her to ensure we have an agreement going forward. I have tried to do other things that I thought made her happy and not meeting her most important need "honesty" and it has landed my w and girls in a midst of turmoil. I do not want them to be unhappy for a second longer and meet her needs as she has clearly laid them out for me.

You need to move this to Surviving an Affair.

You also need to develop a plan to make it impossible for you to lie to your wife.

How does your wife know the stuff in color? Does she just have to believe you or are you proving it? Have you put a gps for he on to your car? A VAR? Have you eliminated circumstances that allowed the affairs to happen? Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you completed the checklist form the book? Are you having at least 20 hours of UA time each week?

Apples:

How do I move this? Would it be through the "notify" tab?

Here is what I did not get an answer on what the action plan:

About the accountability plan... Would my w be in the best position to conduct this plan?

I am taking leave from work starting this weekend and ending on the 1st of June.

The stuff in read:
She has access to my phone records and has a tracker on my phone. She also has access to all the bank records when and if I spend money. I have been asking her to spend any money that I needed while I have been out of the house. We have a calendar in the house that I have placed all of my meetings etc. on . Also, she has access to my work email that has my official calendar there also. We are seeing the same counselor but individually and he has given me some things to work on to help me as an individual to better my outlook on my marriage.

At this point of time, she says that she is Legally Separating from me and does not want to work on it anymore. My focus has been on the failed polygraph because I feel that it gives us something to set our feet on to establish some type of truth.

Here is what I have and am I doing currently:
I have posted anything I have of value onto Craigslist to raise money to pay my wife back for the other tests and raise money for another. I also posted myself for general labor to work. This last weekend a guy paid me 60 dollars to work to help him move his house in which the money I received went straight to my w. I am going to keep this posting updated to ensure any opportunity can be taken. In our Church, there is a guy that owns a business and I worked for him for one day in past. I offered him to help him out if he needs it and yesterday he said he would talk to his GM to see if help is still needed.

My w has access to all of the finances and work is slow. I feel like I do not have any other options right now in hopes of raising money. As I stated, a passed polygraph doesn't fix everything, but it is my focus. My w has said she is not in love with me anymore but I want to do everything and anything to stop my behavior and win her back by my actions. I am trying to give her room to make the decisions that she needs but do admit texting her a lot that probably needs to stop.

I would like any advice that anyone to give to help me understand what I should be doing right now. I do not want to add any additional hurt for my w and girls

Tell the truth?

Apples:

I answered some of your questions here are the rest:
Have you eliminated circumstances that allowed the affairs to happen? Yes. We have agreed to terms if I did travel out of town what actions she expects
Have you read Surviving an Affair? I have not read Surviving an Affair. I have read Love Busters and His needs her needs. I also have the a workbook.
Have you completed the checklist form the book? No, because I do not have the book.
Are you having at least 20 hours of UA time each week? She has said why would she spend time with me if she doesn't want to work on the marriage. I did not get a definite no, but should I go forward with it?

You are not safe for her, and she should continue on for divorce.

I understand that the travel out of town what you have said needs to be arranged where she goes with me and that is what I am planning on our next trip.

I will figure out how to get a copy of the book.

I humbly disagree with what you have stated because of the actions have changed. I know I do not deserve another chance, but I want to ensure I have the guidance of what I should be doing at this time to help any way possible.

I have an idea. Since the Marriage Builders program works to save marriages, why don't you try following the advice of the Marriage Builders program? That would require you to tell your wife the truth and not spend nights apart.

Or you could keep trying your approach.

I have seen no evidence of change. You haven't even read SAA. You don't even know what the checklist is.

My advice to her would be: RUN.