That is exactly what I am doing. She has EVERY bit of information about me as I have told her but the polygraph results need to be cleared up because I have not lied to her. I also want to establish direct accountability with my w for her to know that I am not continuing in my destructive behavior.

Nights apart have drastically decreased but I realize that they need to cease in which they will. I have a trip coming up in June that we can take the whole family and have started planning a camping trip for us.

I do have faith in the program and will more intensely apply it to my marriage.

Emailed Dr. H again with updates in hopes of getting a response.

Is this checklist on the site somewhere?

Invest some effort and find it.

Doing that now searching local libraries now and other means.

You should be so well versed in MB by now that you should be answering questions instead of asking them. You've had enough time.

But you haven't even read SAA? I don't see a whole lot of effort on your part.

I will get a copy of the book and read it. Looking at the table of contents it looks like there are a lot of the questionnaires that I or we have filled out already, but again will get the book.

I am asking questions because I feel that in the current situation I need some guidance.

I am living my life as I ought to and according to what she has told me what her issues are. I do not have an Independent Life or Secret life as my wife has every bit of information about me. This is a willing change and do not want to lose my family. I will move forward with the MB fundamentals and work the program as I believe in it...

Just purchased Ebook version of SAA

Let us know when you've read it.

I took the rest of the afternoon to dive into the book and I am complete. This is by far the better "action" books that I have read. I am a former military guy and I understand checklists.

My apologies for above asking if the "checklist" is on the site (my complete ignorance). There are many checklists that I used print screen and pasted all of the checklists into a Word Document to create a packet.

I asked my w, if we can sit down together after our girls go to sleep to discuss things. She stated there is nothing left to talk about.

Today I really felt hopeless. But reading this book and it plainly laying out through checklist has given me a new hope into the recovery of my marriage. I know it is not going to be easy and there is a long road ahead, but to read of the bliss in recovery and how the program delivers if followed makes it all worth it. My w and girls have been worth it and I can really say that this book gives me even more motivation to create a MB marraige and life.

As I said, I made the packet of checklist and have checked the ones that I or we have completed thus far. Undivided attention, what if at this point in time she doesn't want to spend time together?

Here are my notes from the book:

It is HONESTY AND OPENNESS that improve marriages.

The what the intentions of Separation and how I can apply that to my situation. This is a big wake up call and to see how much an affair (my lying) has caused so much hurt. 8 extra ordinary precautions
1) Block communication with a lover: this has been done for years (but I am looking at this/these checklist to place in lying/pornography)
2) Account for time: I have not done this, but will be writing out my daily schedule with phone numbers to reach me at during each daily activity. Also, I will be making phone calls during the day to see how she is doing.
3) Account for money: Done. My w has access to all of our bank account records login passwords etc...
4)Spend Leisure time together: I am hoping that she agrees to time together and I have leave from work for next week. Hoping to enjoy some time away with my w and girls.
5) Change Jobs/Relocate if neccessary: I have not taken my wife on trips overnight with me. We did come to an agreement of terms that will happen when trips like this happen, but that is not good enough. I have a trip out of town next month that I have already been planning for a Camping trip.
6)Avoid Overnight Separation: One of our girls have been sick and that has allowed for me to be home more. I asked my w if she will agree to not spend any nights alone...no answer as of yet
7)Technical Accountability: My w has all of my email and passwords for every account that I have. I do not have any Social networking accts so this one has been done for awhile alos.
8) Expose the Affair: As I said above, I am putting in place of the affair with lies and pornography that I have viewed along with the affairs I had. She has told and exposed what I have done to others and I have exposed myself to a older man in our Church.

Dishonesty not only makes massive withdrawals but strangles compatability. I see this in my marriage more than ever. It has created feelings of me for my wife to be destroyed.

Honesty is the viedo recording in our lives. I have been putting this into practice in my life. I think through my actions because I do not want dishonesty to be in any part of my life.
The definition of "interdependent behavior": this has shown me just how important Dr. H's guidance and what the opposite is.

Quality vs. Quantity: I have a major problem with this. The issue is I have never asked "Are you satisfied with the way I am meeting this need". I just assume I am doing it right. **BIG PROBLEM**

Policy of Exclusivity: 7 precautions
1) Greatest Affection to wife and eliminate any to any other woman. My affection has been to myself and lies. I will need to devote all of my affection to my w to make her feelings my highest priority.
2) Engage in every sexual act or experience with spouse and only with my spouse: I admitted to my wife weeks ago I masterbated once and have not done it since..
3) Intimate Conversation: I have not been honest with my wife in things that I struggle with as I have always tried to portray myself as being strong. A gigantic lie! I will be absolutely open and honest with my wife to share my struggles,hopes,dreams,victories and deepest thoughts.
4) Spend Recreational Time: We definetely need this in our lives and make it a priority. But I did post the question up above as to what my response should be if she rejects this request.
5)Telling my w about any complements that I receive and avoid telling anyone of the opposite sex other than my w: if this occurs this is what my actions will be
6) Avoid contact with past lovers: this has continued to happen
7) Avoid all infautions with anyone other than my w...RUN!: I am not infauted with anyone in my life.

Two Ways of Restoring Trust:
1) Policy of Joint Agreement: will read on the site on how POJA is done with my w that has been pushed over the edge due to my destructive behavior
2) Radical Honesty: I have given my w, radical honesty, but will be giving it to her tomorrow.

Plan for Recovery:
1) Avoid love bank withdrawls. Going off of my w's love buster questionnaire and being an expert on meeting her most important emotional needs.
Two important Love Busters: A. Dishonesty=Overcome by Radical Honesty B. Independent Behavior: POJA
2) Love Bank Deposits:
Policy of Undivided Attention
Policy of Exclusivity

I have completed the Marital Problem Analysis and have made my w a copy. I have also signed the Memorandum of Agreement dated TODAY. The packet of checklist I am going through one my one and developing plans to discuss with my w tonight if she wants to meet. I do not want to force the issue, but I do not want to give up either.

That is my short synopsis of the book and I will be going over my notes and re reading the book again tonight.

1. Hit "notify" and ask to move this to surviving an affair.

2. Good on reading the book. You should plan on reading it 3-4 times in the next few weeks to internalize the ideas.

3. You should do a lot of reading in the Surviving an Affair forum so you can learn. Read threads from the wayward in successfully recovered marriages. I haven't been here long enough to know all the best ones, but several people have referred to the posters Gloveoil and HerPapaBear.

4. If your wife won't POJA with you because ofthe trust issues, work on eliminating lovebusters first. Especially independent behavior and dishonesty. Then try to make any lovebank deposits that you can.

5. Until your wife is willing to engage in the marriage, you should create the plan for extraordinary precautions. It isn't worth her efforts. Also, she has EVERY RIGHT to leave you.

Also, are you listening to the show every day? That is a great way to internalize the concepts.

Apples:

I realize that I do not deserve anything from my w at this point. I also realize that she has EVERY right to leave. I am really working on myself and stoppping Love Busters altogether to make deposits in her Love Bank and ultimately make her happy.

Every day show listening did not happen last week in which I realize needs to change! I listened yesterday and take my Marraige Agreement that I dated for yesterday very seriously. Part of that I believe is listening to the show daily and posting on a more consistant basis.

I wrote out my schedule with times and phone numbers where I can be reached throughout the day and told her that I left it there.

Will read more of SAA and the forum.

hitting the notify now to move the thread...

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?

Nothing from Dr. Harley yet...

What are you asking Dr. Harley?
What is the reason for writing to him?

They said on the show that they were out last week. They are probably catching up.

I will answer your questions first.

I am asking Dr. H for guidance in where my w and I are at right now and what exactly he recommends I should be doing. I also asked in his experience if there were any couples that he worked with had any issues with false polygraph results. At the base of my email to him, I just want to do what is right by my w whatever it is and do the neccessary steps to fixing myself for her and my girls and ultimately for my marriage.

Apples:

Yes I caught that on the show yesterday also, so hopefully I will hear back soon.

I want to post the latest of mistakes I caused between my w and I:

In my EP with my cell phone, I went to a flip phone without any data plan attached to it. It cannot access the internet on it and really only sends texts messages and phone calls. As you can assume with all of the turmoil going back and forth between my w and I there has been some lengthy text messages both ways. The flip phone keeps track of messages sent and received just like any smart phone, but does not have the memory size.

My phone told me that I was out of memory from all of the texts on my phone and would not let me receive text messages nor save what I sent out. I went to my w because I do not want to delete any messages incoming nor phone calls that I made to try to clear memory. We did not agree to anything and to prevent this from happending in the future (full memory notifications) there is a feature on my flip phone that allows me to not save what I am sending but save what is being sent to me. In my mind this was a good option because it cleared a significant amount of memory on my phone and because she has copies of my phone records any text message that I sent to someone and they sent back can be easily seen on the phone. I will stop here and say this was and is a bad idea. The statement "in my mind" should never come out as a good thought..We should AGREE to what is best and I did not...There has not been any instance since this feature was put on that I text someone outside of my address book and they did not text back and the phone records will show this.

I still have not deleted any incoming text messages and if they are not in my cell phone address book, she can read off of my phone what they are contacting me about.

My w expressed how decietful this is and has expressed that I will never live at home again. I do agree after hearing her get angry bc not only this incident but the other hurt she is dealing with. It is another example that I have lead in the POJA to prevent things like this from happening. I realize too after my conversation with her last night and staying up in my car all night that there are so many other things I could have done better to prevent this from happening. I could have deleted photos I have or something else on the phone to save the space, but i know it goes back to her and I coming to an agreement.

My w said that I should have deleted my conversations with her and it would have saved alot of memory, but I didnt think of that nor did we discuss that previously. I am really trying to please her in everyway but continue to fail because I am not following the program that can and will save my marriage. I do not have a problem with text messaging random people or reaching out to people that I should not be. I called my today cell phone provider and stopped text messaging on my phone. I would have called my w, but she has asked me not to talk to her at all nor contact her.
I want to go overboard to prevent any more hurt because I care so much about fixing my marriage. I really did do this with the best intentions at heart, but realize intentions do not fix anything only actions.

I know I am going to get some ruff feedback from this post but I want desparately to save my marriage.

You may be able to download all of your text messages and photos onto your family computer, then With Her Agreement, everything on the cell phones memory card can be deleted and free up significant storage.

LTL

Very good point... I will do that if my w agrees to that. I am going to honor her no contact at this time and am now going to start calling everyone on my contact list to inform them that I will not be responding to text messaging only phone calls.