I don't believe she does, but I can ask her to join. She seems adamant about being done with this relationship so my guess is she'll be unwilling and wants to just move on.

I'm in agreement, that's why I'm here. I'm onboard with the plan you've outlined, which is to eliminate all LBs, cut off all access to pornography, but I'm hoping for suggestions to convince her to spend more UA time since she's not on board with that. I don't know how to get her want to hang out just the two of us for even 10 unites, much less 4 hours.

thanks!

"No" on the remaining 3 question. I will find those answers the next time I see my therapist

Yea, I'm with you, if it were up to me, I wouldn't have resorted to a therapist. I've never been to one in my 37 years.

However, I thought I'd gain some points since the therapist was someone my WAW wanted me to see. I'll just see it as a stepping stone, but implement other more actionable plans.

I know you said she moved just a couple of miles away. Is she living with anyone or by herself with your DS2?

What are her complaints to you? What has she actually told you?

I would go to her with a PLAN in your hand. Tell her you have a PLAN to make her happy. Start off by telling her that you WILL eliminate all love busters [list them off: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, etc] eliminate porn immediately [have accountability program in place, such as installing a key logger on your computer that only she has access to] and meet her needs. Tell her the goal is to create a romantic, passionate marriage. Print this up and give it to her: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Get the 3 books I recommended, Lovebusters, His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Show her the plan you intend to follow.

WHY does she want to get away from you in 10 minutes? Tell me EXACTLY what happens when you are together.

What does your wife expect you to get from a therapist?

Have you ruled out an affair?

This is one of the red flags I see that make me suspect an affair. Why would she be adamant that the marriage is over if you are willing to make changes? Why go to counseling if that is the case?

See, when we have women who arrive in abusive relationships, they never want to leave. We have to put on a full court press to get them to leave. When they just up and leave like your wife, it is usually because of an affair.

I just had a 5 minute meeting with WAW today as we were switching off the child.

I was eager to share with her my plan, and even typed it up in a report folder with pictures, diagrams, tables etc. The minute I started talking about my plan, then presenting to her the report, she immediately said, "I'm so sorry, why do you do this to yourself? It hurts me so much to see you try. Please for me, just don't do this to yourself anymore. I'm already looking for a mediator for the divorce. I wanted to reconcile 6 months ago and you didn't want to (I didn't know this, and for sure didn't feel our marriage was about to fall apart?), and now it's too late. I'm so tired and I have nothing left." She then said, "I don't want this anymore, It's too late." I then asked if there was someone else, and she said it doesn't matter anymore, and I said it does to me because it'll explain a lot of things and at least I can understand and hold onto something to move on. She said it doesn't matter a few times, until she said "yes," but I'm not sure if it was just to get rid of me since I probably looked pretty devastated. I think I said if she can swear to it, but she didn't. So I'm still not sure if there is a OM.

She then handed the report back to me and left me standing by myself.

I have to say, all the courage to fight and make this right left me in a split second as I stood there by myself.

Setback? Or is it over?

I'm sorry to tell you, but she's having an affair. You need to find out his identity.

Can you hire a PI?

Thank you for the quick reply. It's so reassuring someone is here for me, even for one post. Thank You.

I can hire a PI, but what good does it do? I doubt she'll come back after I expose an affair?

God.. I'm such a mess right now...

I'm sorry for your pain, but if you follow the Plan here then you'll know the truth.

And yes you may have not taken care of your marriage, but the affair is all on her. It will give you the truth and at least you'll know what your fighting against and why her love bank has been closed to you. It's because she is having an affair. You can also follow a plan to protect you and your kids.

Can you get into your doctor for some ADs? They will help you be able to think straight.

I also would notify the MODS to have your thread moved to SAA.

And you can protect your kids from being around OM.

call me crazy, or clueless, or even in denial... i just can't see my wife in an affair right now. I think she's just so angry with me that she just doesn't have anymore to give. and she's tired. On top of that, her therapist is probably telling her this is the right thing to do, to leave a sexless, abusive/neglected, marriage...

I'm not a religious man, but I feel like just praying to God to help her find the strength to keep going...

thank you, thank you, thank you, for this board to come to my time of need...

While it is very upsetting, now we know why she wants to separate from you. Everything makes sense now. She has broken up so she can pursue her affair and she blames your bad behavior to throw you off balance.

Do you want to save your marriage? Because you have a chance if you will uncover the facts about her affair. And even if you don't want to save it, you need to find out the truth.

I assure you that she is having an affair. There are too many red flags here. Women don't leave marriages because they are bad. They hang around and try to fix them. Your wife is not doing that. The only explanation is that she is having an affair.

Don't take our word for it. Hire a PI and get the goods. A good PI can get everything you need in 2 days.

You are being gaslighted. What you describe here is the story of every betrayed spouse. The cheating spouse rewrites history and cites endless grievances in order to justify the separation and throw the betrayed spouse off balance.

She is blaming the separation on you when, in truth, she separated to pursue an affair. That is what she will tell people. And after the divorce is filed, she will introduce her OM.

The reason she wants you to go to therapy is not to repair your marriage but so the therapist can help you adjust to the divorce.

Thank You for the quick response. I will go look for a PI now. Any suggestions? just Google?

Also, just putting myself into her shoes, maybe she does believe she tried to save the marriage the past 1 year and deemed that as "enough is enough." I can see that as well. I just did this salvaging thing for a month, and I already feel tired from all the rejections. I can't imagine doing this for 1 year like she has. so I do sympathize with her.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. here