Well.....
if you do not lovebust during the procedure of divorce (keep cool and calm and just protect yourself but do not get nasty....no.matter.what.he.throws.towards.you)..

he can not help but think fondly of you sometimes while with whatzhername.

Even if they marry and have kids and stay together forever (Yikes!)

Even if he is nasty towards you.

How could anyone hold it against you that you filed for divorce from a cheating spouse. Even the cheating spouse could not down deep in his guilt ridden soul.

We know you love him and don't want this.

Focus on your own protection though and be a good woman who isn't creating havoc other than guarding your own future.

Nobody can answer your question.

I'm feeling like legal separation would have been a better way to go for me now. The pressure of divorce is to intense.

I was told it could take up to a year to finalize because of the business.

The symptoms of the WS are all very similar except with regards to this. This is just a case by case basis thing. So many variables at play, including how his relationship with POSOW is going. Even if they totally blow up, he may never reach a point where he is able to recognize his own responsibility for his misery. Some waywards never learn....others do, come back here and study MB, and turn into wonderful spouses. It's very hard to predict what he will do or feel.

Well then, perhaps look at it this way...

All of the property divisions and such of legal separation are identical to a divorce. A legal separation is effectively a divorce for people who don't like the word divorce, and most lawyers will advise it as a last resort for this reason. People with very stern religious objections and such.

So you'd be going through a lot of the same processes that you are now, and at the end of it, if things didn't improve you'd have to wait an additional amount of time (and spend an additional amount of money) to get away from your WH for good.

You'd have most of the discomfort of a divorce PLUS an extended waiting period since you would have to file for divorce at some point anyways if he didn't turn around.

This line of reasoning is the primary reason I opted for divorce instead of legal separation in my case.

Legal separation is just a ticket for cheating and doubles the time

It IS intense.

You are doing something that is not to be taken lightly. You don't have much choice though here. To not go through it would be worse due to the darn restaurant situation.

Your WH is not only betraying you emotionally but financially.

You can't not take action.

Legal separation or divorce.........he can come back to recover with you if he ever gets himself together. (unless you have moved on yourself)

This is true. My WH tried to get me to do a post-nup, which would end our property together. In his mind, if we had a post-nup or legal separation or whatever, it was ok to do whatever he wanted. It was just a huge waste of time and money.

All of these divorce-lite options are just designed to keep the consequences minimal to them and keep you around. Remember that he was trying on a new life at your emotional and financial expense without your consent. He might change, but if not, you need to be protected both financially and emotionally.

And one thing about divorce--it is an adversarial and negative process, but just try to do your best to not react emotionally. That's the biggest thing. You are in Plan B, so that's helpful and you don't have kids with him, so he doesn't have an outlet to constantly poke at you and threaten you.

Just stay in Plan B and over time you will just do what you need to do and not react emotionally anyway. My WH is trying to get custody of my daughter (I use the term trying loosely since he is not really trying--he is just threatening me with legal forms), and 6 months ago, I would have lost it on him. But now that I have been in Plan B, I just simply worked out a game plan with my lawyer to take him to court about it first. I was depressed for a few days and I get anxious sometimes, but I know in the end, I am not losing custody. He may think negatively of me, but any rational person would look at this situation and see that I filed for sole custody as a reflection of reality. She lives solely with me!!! His filing for sole custody is a reflection of his delusions that he is a great dad right now.

Anyway, what I am saying is this: divorce is an adversarial process. Just do what you need to do to protect yourself and do so with as much grace as possible. Remember that at the end of the day, you can't control what he thinks of you. When you were sweet and self-blaming for everything, he was thinking negatively of you as well. The longer you are in Plan B, the less and less you'll care of what he thinks of you. Of he ever comes out you'll be in a better position to decide if you want to take the road to recovery.

Feeling sick to my stomache.

BE strong, Ginger!! We are all with you. You will do just fine!

Have you visited with your family doctor and explained what is going on?
Are you taking prescription antidepressants?

Its also important not to look at photos and other memorabilia of him.
Dont allow him to rent space in your head.

It can take up to a year...it can take even longer. Stop the "what ifs", Grace. You are going to drive yourself nuts doing that to yourself. If your WH never stops his cheating and cruel behavior you ARE better off without him. You may not like to hear that but no BS has ever done well by staying with a thoughtless WS.

Let you lawyer do the talking on your behalf. Listen to what is said and make notes if you have to but be an advocate for yourself today. If your lawyer, doesn't address something to your satisfaction or misses something today, SPEAK UP!!

Stay strong and good luck!!

Well, its official......I am the reason the business is failing! That was the base of his argument today. According to him, my attitude, my neglectful treatment of our staff, and of him, since we aquired the business is the reason the business is failing. I didn't do anything for the business apparently. He had last years taxes there, and his attorney said it reflects a $40,000 loss, so he cannot afford anything. My attorney stated to the judge, that's not true, the money coming in is supportingOuthe business, the marital home, the girlfriend, and that home.

He is pushing for the sale of the home, and we have another hearing scheduled for July 9th.

He was literally an idiot, talking over my lawyer, made all his arguments personal towards me, and literally lied about everything.

The restaurant is failing because he wasn't working it, and because everyone knows about the affair, as well as who its with. He's been disrespectful to everyone.....me, staff, and the customers.

Its so frustrating how he can be so hurtful! I was good to that man!

Oh, and I did not cry, I just kept my mouth shut, unless the judge was speaking to me directly.

Good for you for taking the high road. I know some people have had bad experiences with judges, but for the most part I am sure they see liars and BS in their courtroom every day and have some sense at who the real victim is just by the behavior of those involved.

Is there any benefit for you to get testimony in some way from your ex and current employees, as to their perspective of the demise of the business? It sounds like they are all in your court. Just a thought.

What I find humorous, is now the reason we failed started when we bought the business apparently. Before, it was literally everything, and went way back to even the first apartment we moved into together.

My attorney said it may come to that, and if it does, they can be required to testify.

He was literally pushing himself back in his chair out of disgust, throwing his hands up in the air, and folding them behind his head. He kept huffing out loud too.

I wish I knew if he was on drugs or not!

Yet here you were, not angry, not huffing and puffing, not throwing your hands up, not weeping or distressed. You were calm cool and collected, the James Bond of the courtroom. Concerned and sad about the demise of your marriage, but in control of yourself and your emotions and your life.

Good for you Ginger!

It is really hard now, but some day you will look back on this and feel proud of yourself and your strength.

Can't you get written statements from them now, while their testimony is fresh? You wouldn't need to use them, but have them if you need them. I have been asked to do this for court proceedings before in divorce situations.

I can find out if this would be helpful.

And the judge is allowing him to come to the house to fix the garage......not happy about this, but can't do anything about it. He said it would take him 2 days to complete. This is because the business is in the red, and he apparently has no money......but yet he can support the whore, and buy supplies. It's all lies!

He is required to hand over all financial records to my attorney, going back to 01/2015.......approximate start time of the emotional portion of the affair.