I am a little late to join in but just a few comments:


Big hugs. We all get it. My ex was in my life from the time I was in about 4th grade. He was basically my best friend through most of our marriage.

I do not miss him anymore and I do not really feel sad about the divorce or his affairs anymore. He's wayward and the man I thought I knew is gone.

It WILL get better - I promise you this.

I just want you to have realistic expectations of your Plan B. They will help to provide you some space for healing and peace and freedom from constant triggers since you don't have to communicate daily with a wayturd but it doesn't wash away the stress of divorce.

Divorce IS completely overwhelming and stressful and sad. Plan B will help but be realistic of your expectations. Like someone suggested, ADs will help.

Do you have a good support system, someone that you can talk to regularly?What are you doing in terms of self care? Are you able to exercise? How are you eating and sleeping?

My support system is almost 4 hours away, which is difficult, but I pick up the phone to reach out often, and my mom comes to stay when she can. I've made a couple new friends that have been very supportive, and we talk often.

I do exercise, and I am able to sleep at night, as far as eating.......I am eating, more some days than others. Some days I simply don't have the ambition to cook, and settle for vegetables and an apple or something.

What's difficult for me is that now that I am in the divorce process, I don't know what to expect. Everyone keeps telling me how hard it is, and it is.......I told my mom I feel just as emotional as when he first left me.......but is he going to continue being pissed off at me the whole way through? It's the not knowing. Will there be down time in between, or will this be pressure, stress, and sadness the whole way through? I asked a few pages back, will he ever have time to miss me? I don't want to be divorced unfortunately, and right now that's where my mind is at. I wish I knew what to expect, I wish I had something positive to hold on to, or examples of divorce processes that ended in reconciliation. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe....probably....I don't know.....but it's where I'm at right now.

Ginger, you won't feel as emotional if you go into a pitch black Plan B. You have been exposed to him too much, so you haven't been able to experience the wonders of plan B. After you are in a dark Plan B for a few weeks, you will feel better than you have in a very long time.

Agree.

We can't and won't give you breadcrumbs that he will "miss" you or that you should have hope for reconciliation. That will not help you. It will not be "positive" for you to be focused on your WH at all.

What you can be positive about and focused on is your own personal recovery. That's what Plan B is all about. If you focus on Plan B, you will start to feel better and think less and less about your WH.

But what do you do going through this, when you have this overwhelming feeling that you do not want this divorce? I so badly regret filing.

Ginger - feelings follow actions.

Remember exposure? Did the feelings of bravery show up before or after you took action? When did you feel better?

When you spend x years in a loving commitment with someone - it follows that you don't want a divorce. Who would? I've never met them.

When you spend x months in a Plan B creating an amazing life for yourself and completing withdrawal - it follows that you will feel differently.

Me personally, I entered Plan B in a situation where I was absolutely on the floor. Whenever I contemplated the howling wilderness of divorce I would curl into a weeping ball.

By the time six months had passed I was often happy with some bad days here and there. I stepped up the pace of the Divorce process.

After a year I was impatient. I was popping champagne corks when I was finally free. I knew I would be able to date and fall in love far more quickly than I could do recovery. I definitely got the best deal for myself. I was blocking WH attempts to contact me with ease and I told my IM I didn't even want to hear true remorse.

Wasn't even curious.


It's all on my thread, but I will tell you what Dr H told me.

Plan B keeps all options open. If you recover your marriage you will be less resentful, just neutral. You will be attractive and well and able to insist on strong rules for the recovery.

If you divorce, it will hurt less.

True.

Ginger, I know exactly how you feel. I was completely and utterly devastated. It does get easier with time. There will be a point where you will feel fine. A year out and almost a month since the divorce was finalized, I can finally say I'm doing well. I fought for my marriage, and I have no regrets about that, but I know that my future looks bright even without my XWW.

I understand the reasons behind Plan B, but I regret filing, and not simply going into Plan B first without filing.

Remind yourself that feelings change!

Even though I had ZERO hope for reconciliation for my M, I was a sobbing mess the day I filed for D. I never wanted that for my children and was heartbroken.

We all get it and are telling you with 100% certainty it gets better.

Hang in there.

Filing is done to protect you from your WHs destructiveness, it's necessary here to protect you. I had to file for the same reason and I did not want to either. But in both cases it is the right choice because of how dangerous a wayward spouse is to the finances and health of the betrayed spouse. Your WH could have saddled you with very long term problems if you hadn't filed.

It's difficult because you want to cling to hope and you feel bad being the person to pull the trigger on ending things. BUT...remember always that you are dealing with who your H is today and not who you wish he was or who he used to be.

Ginger he was taking you to the cleaners. It is not possible to recover yourself OR your marriage from the poorhouse. You did what you had to and not a moment too soon.

Are you under the impression that going into Plan B would have derailed the affair sooner? It can take up to two years for an A to die a natural death - and often only dies when the money runs out. A BW will usually have to protect herself as you are doing.

Even upon a natural death of the A, some waywards simply get themselves a fresh OW and keep on spending the money. Besides, Plan B DOES NOT recover the marriage. It only protects you.


Look it is natural to berate yourself and self examine every decision when you are staring down the barrel of a divorce. It is so horribly unfair when you haven't done anything wrong.

Let me just repeat:

YOU DID NOT DO THIS. You have fought for your marriage like a tigress not flinching at anything you needed to do - up to and including filing for a D which is obviously very hard before you are ready. Ask me how I know.

However if you recover your marriage it will absolutely be because of you. If you don't - it won't be because of you. You will still have done EVERYTHING possible.

Because it takes two. Because you have offered him forgiveness on a plate. But there is no helping matters if he simply has no brain to see it.

You cannot influence him to that level. It is not possible to control someone. He has free will and he is free to be an idiot unfortunately.

Give yourself a break.

Ginger this was me at the start of my Plan B:



Remember this is withdrawal. The pain at this stage is unbelievable - you have no energy and no hope and it is just utter, utter grief. It's like a death and you would do anything to restore the life you lost.

The divorce process does not feel like merely a legal protection when you feel this way. You forget that you can halt it whenever you want.

I know it sounds far fetched but your mood right now shows withdrawal is working. That means you WILL be happy again one way or another - you will not be tied to this mess through your heart.

Although I will never forget how awful the pain is I would go through it again in a heartbeat to be as happy as I am today. I would not be in love, I would not have any money or property, I would not have my amazing world.

I would rather have x weeks of awful than a lifetime of False Recovery - and that means having to file for a D sometimes.

I am sorry you are feeling so very sad and anxious.

If you didn't have the restaurant issue, you could have waited longer before filing.

You may need to consider that what you are feeling. The grief, is what your WH feels at the thought of ever splitting with his OW. That sensation of despair.

Thank you everyone for your help, I appreciate your words very much. I am really struggling with this, and didn't realize it would be this hard to get through. I'm kind of concerned about the new job, its very detailed, and I'm starting almost right before the next hearing. They will not reschedule, my lawyer said.

Ouch.....that stings a bit to read that.

You will feel so much better once you have a job. Not only will it give you a better sense of self worth but the steady income will enormously reduce your stress levels. Take this one day at a time.

What do you think about ADs? You've a few weeks of rough withdrawal ahead.

I'm worried about taking them when I start the new job.

Are you exercising regularly? Getting out and going for a jog or some other form of exercise will also help lift your spirits.