Hi Ginger,

I am on the other side where I turned a corner after being in Plan B for so long that I do not wish to recover the marriage (or at least I would be hard pressed to even if he wanted to and was genuinely remorseful).

I understand what you are going through. Even 13 months after DDday, and nearly 9 months in Plan B there are times when I still get overwhelmed with sadness--not just sad, but sitting in that painful grief. But it's much, much less now and the new life I am building is filled with people who genuinely care about me and I am living at PEACE, which I didn't really even realize I was missing anymore. I too, went through an awful withdrawal process, with the added bonus of WH dropping my daughter off at my door 3 times a week (before I moved) after daycare. I had my mom move in to simply man the door so I could hide in the back room and non see or hear him.

I had to wait a lot longer to start the divorce process than you did because of the legal issues around moving with my daughter, but I have to say that after fa while of being in Plan B without filing, I became anxious to file. This man who I had loved, who I had supported through four years of unemployment, was trying on a new life at my emotional and financial expense--and didn't care enough about me or our daughter to stop and fix his marriage. And as hard as it was for me to accept, once I did, once I fully understood the implications of that, I became more steely about everything.

I have a very young child so I made a lot of mistake and broke plan b more than I should have. But the darker I am in Plan B, the better I feel--but it does take about month or toe to really get past the worst of it.

If you can, get someone to stay with you. That will help immensely during this time. Even if it's a series of friend who swap out, it will help.

Yes, I walk on my treadmill daily. I stay in touch with supportive friends and family daily too.

Try to get out in the sun, too. The sun helps your body get vitamin D, which helps your mood, too. You're going to get through this, and things will look much better soon. Just keep taking it a day at a time.

Speak to your doctor about it. Dr H says the right ones will simply keep you levelled through a difficult time.



I didn't really follow through with this advice. Too unhappy to think straight at first and then when the worst was over I thought I was OK. I look back at how unhappy I was in amazement that I didn't take anything. I was stubborn. All I did was prolong the recovery period.



If not an hour at a time. You will need a STACK of treats to get through every day. Good books, funny films, snacks to reverse the infidelity diet. A long chat on the phone with a funny friend.

Hugs, G.

This is one of the most succinct ways of explaining what is so hurtful about waywards to a BS that I've ever seen on here. A lot of outsiders don't seem to get what is so hard about "the waiting" for the BS while the WS is off doing their thing, and this just nails it on the head. Very concise explanation of what it feels like.

Thank you everyone, for your love and concern, your tips, and for sharing your stories. They do help, and are so appreciated!

My doctor is located at the hospital I just got hired.......how will that effect my job if I go in for AD's if they find out, or is it confidential? I have told them what's going on in my life, so they are aware, but for some reason, I feel like if they knew I was taking AD's, they might be concerned.

I have to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind Of Angry Controlling Men" My aunt loaned it to me, it's a book about men who abuse. It is geared towards verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. My sister, mother, and friend from the restaurant have been telling me they have seen a clear pattern of verbal abuse, controlling, and manipulation towards me from H. I never realized it, it seemed normal to me. He was always so random with it........in between the good times......how it was always my fault when we'd argue, never his, the names he'd call me, the personal insults to degrade me, and every time I'd fix one of his complaints, he'd add more to the list, it always seemed I could never reach the top of that mountain. About a month before he left, when he was already in the affair I now know, he said to me, amongst many other things, "who would want you, I don't see anyone knocking on your door!" He already had the POSOW of course, and why would I even be looking, I was a loyal, committed married woman.

I knew he could be a very angry man, who liked things his way, and it was always directed at me, he was always so compassionate and kind towards others, until the last year, some of the staff took a good share of his anger too. When the 3 staff members walked out a couple weeks ago, one of the cooks said (who happened to be a meth head) said it was way to hard to get "clean" working for him. He's very demanding.

This book has been very enlightening with some things. It's helped me to realize the level of manipulation he used, and how a lot of my reactions were because of his manipulation. It's also helped me to see how many of the things in the marriage that I thought were my fault, truly weren't my fault.

If anyone wants to check it out, it's by Lundy Bancroft.

I agree with you axslinger. I haven't really found that they don't understand per say, in my case they wonder why I would even waste my time on him, but they saw more of his true behaviors than I did I guess.

At this point, you are going to be processing a lot of these thoughts about the sort of person he was. It gets less and less - hard to believe!

Find a different doctor if you are concerned. I think that any doctor worth his salt would understand the need for ADs, and would be strictly confidential though.

As far as books and family's diagnosis of your spouse...I'd just say take it all with a grain of salt.

Not to say those points of view are wrong, but second and third marriages have very high failure rates and my guess as to why is because most divorcees I've ever encountered focus so much on their ex and assume ANYONE else will be radically different.

My family nearly all told me immediately after exposure that they had seen my wife's A coming from a mile away, and then related all sorts of grievances with her to me about how and when she had offended them or spurned their charity/goodwill. I just think that is normal and inevitable, to be honest. They hurt for me and it amplifies all of those things in their mind.

But...I also know my wife's family is probably doing the same thing, saying things about me. I think it's just like how they are reluctant to acknowledge that she is an adulterer (her father is an ordained minister so it's embarrassing to them). I'm sure they find their own grains of truth in whatever she's telling them about me. I think it's a coping mechanism for the families, helping them deal with something that is a genuine tragedy.

Sometimes I think you have families that are honest enough to just say "you blew it" to a wayward or poorly behaving spouse, but I think unfortunately it's rare.

Love those people because they're showing you genuine love and supporting you, but remember they are biased.

If I at all think about my wife's faults, I tend to try to focus on the things I saw my wife do that run counter to the program outlined here (such as opposite sex friendships) and simply stick to making notes about avoiding those things in the future. I don't see anything constructive in dwelling on them (or her) beyond that. I'd rather let it go, and I'm much more concerned about doing everything in my power to not find myself betrayed or in a failed marriage ever again. Her issues are someone else's now.

And I should now say my ex-wife, officially. Just checked the state courts site and the judgement was signed today by the judge.

I suppose you're correct axslinger. I will say, the only ones in his family who are "OK" with what he's done, is his mother and father, his father only because he's done the very same thing in his past, and his mother.......well, she's just a bit out there to begin with, and is the only one who likes POSOW. Not that his father is OK with it, he's more neutral, and chooses to stay out of it.

The rest of his family know him very well, and have all said what a huge mistake he's making, not to take a side I'm sure, but more because of the poor life choices he's making again.

It's good to hear that he's getting some pressure from his family. Your situation isn't over yet and that may pay dividends in getting him to wake up. I'm sure it makes you feel better that they are sticking up for you!

Don't beat yourself up about thinking about him and trying to figure him out. I'm saying what I'm saying from a point of being much further down the road and having done my own fair share of obsessing about my ex in my own thread.

You are still very early into this, so like indie said it's very normal. I'd just stay open to the program here and let that guide you more than the people around you (or a book about abusive spouses), that's all.

I understand ax....just know that I appreciate everyone's experience, and words of wisdom as I go through this. It helps keep me focused.

I don't know that they will speak to him about their disappointment, but I do know for a fact that he feels very awkward when they are there. They wanted to come see me last time they were in town, but said they weren't sure if I'd want to see them.

I have made a couple very supportive friends recently also. They help me tremendously, and are willing to talk whenever I need to. Its so amazing to find that. I went out for drinks with one of them last night, and they both text often during the day, or call to check up on me to make sure I'm OK. Pretty cool.

As for the antidepressants, I would go to another doctor.
Allthough confidentiality is warranted, there are cases where some physicians, regretfully, do not abide by their pledge of silence when talking to collegues.

A good medical doctor will not tell, but I would not take the risk with your new job.

I just got a package in the mail from my mom, filled with depression fighting foods and vitamins. That was very nice of her to do. My mom and I speaking again, after years apart has been the one very obvious positive in this ugly sad situation.

Can I make a girlie Plan B suggestion: nails! Seriously, is there anything more wonderful in the world than getting a mani-pedi? Do it. You won't regret it. No girl ever regrets having sparkly, beautiful toes. True story.

It's something I've never done before, but this is about making new, positive changes, I can do that.

I've been giving some thought to going to the restaurant, I have alot of friends there, and people who have been very supportive of me. I miss them, and they miss me as well. Per the court hearing, I need to get permission from H to be there, and I would need to arrange for him (and POSOW) not to be there. H may not be willing to cooperate, and not not be there though also, just to be a jerk.

This is not something I'm planning for right away, maybe in 2-3 weeks, so my friend can arrange for others to be there when I am there.

Thoughts? Its still my restaurant as well, and I have every right to be there too.

Would this be something I'd communicate through my intermediary?

I don't see how you could work at the restaurant and maintain Plan B.

Not work....sorry, visit, one night.

Bad idea, this will put you back at square one. I have the angry face of my ex husband etched into my memory from the time a judge forced me to face him across the court room. If you want to see your friends, ask them to meet you elsewhere.