It has been six days since I discovered they were still in contact. After careful discussion with my family, lawyer, and individual therapist, I have decided not to file for divorce yet and give my wife another chance.

We are four months since D-Day, so still less time that Dr. Harley recommends for Plan A.

I am very confused with WW words and actions over the last week. After four months of mostly resisting me love and affection, she seems to have made an almost complete turnaround. I'm not sure that's really possible, so I'm left a bit perplexed.

She claims to have realized how foolish she had been for letting OM drive her decision making, that everything she has always wanted is here with me, and that she has lost a year of her life with her friends, extended family, and most importantly, me and our daughter.

She claims she doesn't care what happens to him anymore. She says she had been holding on to a ridiculous fantasy that couldn't possibly amount to anything in the real world.

She says she's ready to begin rebuilding. She wants to take the required steps for NC, plan a vacation, is actively investigating relocation options, and wants to have regular dates with me and involve both of our extended families in regular activities with our daughter.

She is showing me affection and telling me she loves me again.

She wants to talk about having another child in the near future. Just two weeks ago she told me she wouldn't have another child with me.

It's incredibly difficult to know what, if any of this, to believe.

All of this came after I completely love busted her on Tuesday. When I found that they were still in contact, I lost it. Everything that had been festering in my mind came out. I was openly angry directly to her, and effectively called her a monster for what she had been doing to myself and our family. I left no stone unturned. At the time, I thought it was my chance for a final release of these emotions, and I took it. I didn't care what the outcome would be, because in my mind, my marriage was over. I later apologized to her, but said that I would continue to fight against OM's contact attempts until he left us alone or I got custody of our daughter.

So, I guess I want to know, is this dramatic of a turnaround typical, or even possible in a WS, or is this just another smokescreen meant to delay the end of our marriage?

Is she being driven by fear of divorce, the desire to have more children, or legitimately realizing that I have loved her through all of this and really am the person she should spend the rest of her life with?

I told her words are fine, but actions are the only way to prove her sincerity.

What do you all think of this, considering the exact opposite of Plan A is what seems to have triggered an apparent epiphany in WW?

Eddie

As you said, ACTIONS.
Is she willing to FULLY implement the EP list completely?

Actions must be verified over time, so you will have to be the watchdog.

It wouldn't be the first time a wayward did something like this to stall or put a betrayed back in line.

What you need to be prepare for is- what EXACTLY AND SPECIFICALLY are you going to do when she breaks any single EP?
Going cold turkey from the adultery partner like any addiction is really HARD.

You can measure her sincerity very easily.
Ask her to write a No Contact letter to OM (to be mailed by you) tonight and tell her you look forward to rebuilding a marriage with her.

You can easily find out if this is a ploy to get a favorable divorce or a sincere effort to save your marriage. Take her this checklist and see if she will agree to everything on it. If she won't do that, then you are right to plan to divorce:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I will emphasize what the others said, and that is that only actions count. Talk means nothing coming from a wayward.

I agree. I've struggled through nothing but talk for the last four months. I'm familiar with the checklist, as is she. shes already sent a no contact letter and changed her contact info once before and that didn't help. A big issue here is that he's a cop, and can very easily find her new information. Also, he's not exactly going out and changing his info, so even if her intentions are true initially, all she needs is one weak moment and she can get in touch with him.

Moving is really the best option in our situation, probably to another state. but that will take time. I have two homes which I would have to sell before I could come up with any sort of funds to relocate.

I'll keep pushing her for the no contact steps as just compensation for what I've had to deal with

We'll see if she's just blowing smoke. I'm not angry or sad anymore. I can absolutely live with the decision to divorce if she is not willing to take action.

Eddie

In that case, I would keep the divorce on track and *IF* she really demonstrates she is serious over a long period of time, you can drop it. That way you are protected if this is just a ploy to get you to back down on the divorce settlement.

If she follows the list above, then she is serious. Also, if she is serious than she should take additional steps, like no phone, no computer use, GPS tracker, she should send a letter to the Chief of Police, mayor/city manager, city councilmen, city attorney demanding no contact from the officer.
The point is if she is serious, she will stop at nothing to prove it. Anything would be ON THE TABLE, it is not to punish but to ensure accountability and rebuild the destroyed trust.
If she is not serious you will know soon, but you have to be paying very close attention.

I need help dealing with anger and resentment. I'm already on anti-depressants, and have been for months. They help, but they do not get rid of all emotion.

I cannot let go of the images of OM and WW together, the horrible things WW said about me to him, and the triggers that are everywhere. Not just at home, but everywhere. Every time I see a cop, every time anything remotely sexual or affair related comes up in a conversation, I'm filled with anger and resentment. It infuriates me and I'm sick of dealing with it.

There really is no escape for me.

My wife is trying to rebuild our family, but it's not enough. I'm still angry.

I love my wife and daughter. I really, truly do. I want to provide for them and for us to be happy together forever.

I keep my anger from WW, most of the time, but she can tell that I'm not happy and I still struggle with what they did to me.

I don't want tactics or mental exercises to deal with this. They don't work for me.I need the anger to go away, and I need it to go away now.

Eddie

So sorry, Eddie, but it is part of recovery. You just have to ride it out. As long as you and your wife are creating a happy marriage, this will alleviate in 10-12 months. If you don't create a happy marriage, it will get worse because your resentment will grow.


What do you mean by this? What will rebuild your marriage is for you to spend 20+ hours together giving each other undivided attention. Are you doing that? Are you following the program strictly? THAT is the key to peace of mind because when you are happy in the present, your mind does not tend to go to the past.

One thing that will help you immensely is to never speak or write of the affair.

I know you said you don't want mental exercises, but a really effective method is meditation. There was a radio show on that, maybe someone can link that to you.

I don't think anger and resentment can fade overnight, but the theory, at least to my understanding, is overtime the new loving memories will override the old ugly ones.

Best of Luck

I do not speak of or write of the affair, ever. We never talk about it. My wife is not doing anything currently to make me angry. Just the opposite, actually. we are spending far more than 20+ hours together. we go on dates, have family activities, and have fun together. but that isn't helping with the resentment.

this struggle is internal. I don't know how to rid myself of the anger I feel.

I exercise regularly. I'm in therapy. I've tried getting away for a few hours with friends now and then. None of it helps. In the end, I'm just angry. I've never been an angry person, so this isn't a pattern I'm accustomed to either.

I'm mentally exhausted, and I'm sure it's hampering our recovery.

I have considered meditation. I think that's probably a valid point and worth trying.

My life is just a complete emotional mess. I'm sure you all understand.

thank you for letting me vent a bit.

Eddie,

You will have to make that happen, just like I did, and just like everyone else who has been in your situation.

If you will listen to the advice here, people who have done it can show you how.

Venting actually increases your anger. It makes it harder to get the anger to go away.

You can't rid yourself of anger. It will fade in time. You have been through a traumatic shock that is right up there with rape and physical assault.


This will help.


Unless you are talking about the price of tea in China, this will not help. Going to "therapy" and talking about the affair will keep you angry and upset. It will make things WORSE. What are you talking about there?


Don't let it hamper your recovery. Your trauma is very fresh. You can't expect this go away overnight.

I do not discuss the affair in therapy. I discuss my struggles with anger, resentment, and trust and how to cope with them. My therapist understands completely that it is counter-productive to dredge up the details of the affair. Our goal is to help put me in the best state possible to effect change and recover my marriage.

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Get a journal and write down three or more loving memories of the day each day. It will reinforce the neuropath of those memories, both by writing them and reading them to yourself. I got that tip from my "positive psychology" session, which is way different than the old regular sessions I had about dealing with my personal down emotions, useless by the way, and actually this was about reinforcing my good emotions, and it is working good to keep my brain where I want it to be. If you want to deal with anger or resentment, go 180 and reinforce happy thoughts.

I don't disagree, but suppressing these feelings and letting them build up over time is no better. This is why I am asking how to rid myself of them. However, until I can make that happen, I need an effective outlet, and it absolutely has to be an outlet from which my wife and child can be sheltered.

I don't want anyone to see me angry. I don't want to burden anyone with these horrible feelings. Especially not my wife, even though she at the root of the cause. but burying them has not been an effective remedy either, so I need another solution.

Eddie, I really wish you would get active in learning what Dr. Harley recommends for this. He is an expert, after all. Even when I was seeing anger management therapists his materials were still better for me than what the professional anger management people had to say.