She has given up the children to me for the summer. We will then come to some resolution after that for the the fall... or the court will decide. I don't know what is going on in her head I don't know if she is moving on forever or she will want to come back or she will want the children. I saw her for a few minutes to get some things from the house. She seemed really angry.. .then a little teary.. and then seemed surprised that I was kind to her. I guess I don't know if I am in plan A, plan B, a custody battle... or she is just walking out on all of us.

If you still want to Plan A, could you start with an invite to a family outing?

yes.... there will be some opportunities for that. I'm just thinking that doesn't give her much incentive to give up her boyfriend and I don't know what is going on with that relationship now that she is out of the house. If I could know if that relationship is over, it would help. I couldn't imagine it would last long if it even gets off the ground to begin with. It was all just been a long distance fantasy for her.

Should I give this some time for reality to set in before I try anything?

Great news!
Those kids need stability! You are a helluva father to step up for them.
I would give it some time to settle in. What do you want to happen with the relationship and her? I think you need to search down deep for that answer.

Don't take your foot off the gas in the legal arena!!!!! You can still do Plan A, but it will be awkward. You have to protect yourself and those kids.

The answer is up to her. If she is willing to never contact the OM again and follow the MB plan... I would like to reconcile the marriage, but only under these conditions.

Very wise and concise way of looking at it. Stick to your guns!

Try to get custody now.
She views this as an opportunity to go have her affair without your interference.

Typicalman,

Could your wife pass a psychological exam at this point?
If there is any doubt she could, please consider speaking with your attorney about askign the court to appoint a Guardian ad litem for the children

I don't see how she could pass... An amicus attorney has been assigned.

apples,

Think this is long past a Plan A. For a woman who abandoned her kids this long a family outing is most likely the least of her interests!!! Get real here. His primary objective now should be to obtain full custody of his kids.

Tom

Typicalman, you should be in Plan A until you are in Plan B. Plan A does not exclude trying to get full custody of the kids, etc.

Tom doesn't know what he's talking about.

We have reached interim orders which give me the kids for the next couple months. The way I am looking at this is that, although with her current state of mind she has no business having custody of the children... she moved 2000 miles away so she will be forced to choose the affair (and stay there) or to move back here and be part of the children's lives. I would think that this gives her a strong incentive to rethink things... but it will take some time for her to come to that realization. The custody issue would seem to solve itself unless a judge would really allow her to take my kids out of state so she could be with another man... but it doesn't work that way in my state. She is completely clueless right now. All the restraining orders have been dropped now in the other state and the Judge there is quite fed up with her.

The real question is... should I try to reach out to her or give her time? I think that I should give her time, and lots of it (plan B)... she is so mean and nasty towards me that it seems to do me no good at this point. It also has a negative effect on the kids to see their mom treating me this way. Should I send her a plan B letter? I have indicated to her that when she is ready to talk, I am here.

Also, just to clarify... she will have had the kids for about 8 weeks now... I am about to go get them. It will be hard for her to let go of them because see feels they are her possessions and treats them as such. I don't however think she has much empathy for them given the affair and her willingness to try to cut their father out of their lives.

I don't know what Harley would advise in your case but I don't think fighting for custody and Plan A go hand in hand. In custody disputes you will make claims she is an unfit mother which will cause massive love bank withdrawls.

I think you should email a brief outline of your situation to Dr. Harley and ask what he recommends. (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com)

I would focus on custody if I were you and not worry about Plan A unless she returns to your doorstep. It doesnt seem to be a major issue since she has told you she doesnt want anything to do with you anyway.

Focus on getting full custody. If you feel she cant pass a psych exam then focus on that. Your kids have to come before the marriage

You need to be in either Plan A or Plan B. As long as you have contact with her, you can Plan A her.

Fighting for custody is just a consequence of her affair -- it is not punishment. You can make it quite clear to her that she is welcome to end her affair and come home anytime. There's nothing there that contradicts Plan A.

If you're not going to do that, then you need to go to Plan B and have no contact with her except through an IM.

Anything else is Plan C (Chaos) and will not work.

I have no choice but to fight for the kids because if I left it to her, she would cut me out of their lives completely. I have told her that if she ends the affair, I would welcome her back to work on the marriage but it is her choice. The problem with plan A is that any interaction with her results in her acting so inappropriate that I need to shield the kids from it at all costs. I think that puts us in plan B for a while... but I wanted to be sure that was the right thing to do. Any kindness that I show... she seems to take advantage of... but then treats me horribly. I think, think, think, she will have to leave the other man if she wants to be with the kids because he will not move here. I don't even know how serious their relationship is right now given how much of an illogical fantasy this affair was to begin with. Also, given that I exposed the affair she will have a difficult time with family and friends if they are together given that she has denied everything... I really just don't know.

Do you feel fairly secure that she doesn't know you were/are posting here?

For my own information I'd like to hear a little more how this judge in Mass reacted to all this.

I agree with Jedi, focus on the kids ....if and when you go get them I think you better take a sheriff with you. Don't interact with her alone without a videocamera running. She's seeing this summer as a vacation with OM and somehow hoping she can figure out a way to magically get the kids back later. Waywards live day to day and as long as she can continue the affair today, why worry about tomorrow. Worst case she probably thinks as their momma she can just get 50-50 anytime she wants....for now...it's summer with OM.

Talk it over with your attorney and Jedi is a great resource but if and when you wayward wife comes to town this summer to visit the kids you probably want to either have the court order supervised visitation OR give the appearance of wanting to facilitate her relationship with the kids in a healthy protective manner as much as you can. See...you want the court to see that YOU are not punative nor an alienator (like she has proven herself to be) and the judge/court can trust you to do what's best for the kids which could mean you help them see their mom when mom is not a danger to them. Doesn't mean you have to be there. These visits could be set up through a third party. Anyway, that's something to consider carefully with your attorney.