What was so Important that you abandoned your wife for the weekend?

Scotty, if you'll look at the Marriage Builders plan for restoring marriages, giving each other space isn't on the list.

To save a marriage, you need to develop habits that make massive love bank deposits on a regular basis, and eliminate habits that make love bank withdrawals. When that is done and has been in place for a long time, both of you will crave each other's company rather than desiring "space." But "space" doesn't help build love bank deposit habits or help eliminate love bank withdrawal habits.

Here's how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3100_how.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1002_harley.html

SeekMore, could you let us tell him what more he could be doing, rather than telling him there's no more he can do?

Most men who get here think they are doing everything they can do, and they are mistaken.

I stand corrected. She wants to be left alone but I need to be there. Hard to reconcile

Curious--how would you make head way (make love bank deposits) without being there?

I get your point, if I am not there I cannot make deposits. However, in speaking with my W today, she thanked me sincerely for giving her the space over the weekend. Could that also be a deposit?

Please understand, I am not trying to argue with any of you. I want to do the absolute best that I can do to turn this marriage around. It just seems to me that based on her reaction, deposits were made.

In the future, I will not leave her alone. I need this to repair.

No, because you can't make deposits if you are not there. Being GONE is not a love bank deposit. It is a desire of someone who is checked out and wants to stay checked out. The solution is NOT to aggravate the detachment but to turn it around. You can't turn it around if you aren't there. Agreeing to do things that are not good for your marriage does not make the bad act good for your marriage.

Let me put it this way. If your car is broken down in the garage, do you fix it by going to the garage and working on it? Or do you fix it by going to Cleveland, Ohio?

No, it's not.

There are four intimate emotional needs. These are the ones that make the big love bank deposits that are required for being in love. People do not fall in love over domestic support or babysitting the kids. These are the four intimate emotional needs:

* Recreational companionship
* Conversation
* Affection
* Sexual fulfillment

Typically two of these will make big deposits for a person. A spouse in Withdrawal will say they don't want these and will try to prevent their spouse from meeting these needs. Read through Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts again, and read closely the section called "three states of mind in marriage."

When my wife was in withdrawal, it annoyed her for me to try to make love bank deposits. A wife in withdrawal wants her husband to do things that will calmly and quietly ruin their marriage, and will thank him for it.

Between Withdrawal and Intimacy lies Conflict. When she comes out of Withdrawal, she will come out swinging.

Ok. I get it. She's in withdrawl and refuses to allow deposits. She's polite, but that's the best She will do.

What now?

The "running home to mommy" comment is very telling. Wives expect to be first in their husband's lives. Your wife doesn't think she is. You need to demonstrate that she is first through your actions.

OK, let's get caught up here.

It has been 61 days since W revealed that she wanted to separate after the youngest got off to college. This began my journey of discovery and repair. I dove into the MB program and got the books. While I'm not perfect, I'm pretty sure that my LBs have come to a halt.

She is in a high stress, high responsibility position in a hospital. Further, she is working on a Graduate Degree. Our days look like this....

she is up at 430, departs home at 6 for work. Returns home @6 or so and has the dinner I prepared for the evening. After dinner, we go to the deck and she talks about her day. I listen intently, without inputting anything about me or my day. I'm just there to listen. After she downloads her day, she goes inside and works on her schoolwork until about 11. Then she goes to bed. This happens 5 days a week. On Saturday/sunday, she spends all or part of the days on homework, or pampering herself (mani/pedi, hair appts), or a combination of both.

Aside from what I put her through over the past several years, she is carrying the hurt of a rough year. My dad died, her dad died, she lost several aunts/uncles, two of our children left the home, our youngest has now graduated and is heading out of state to college in the fall. In her words, she hasn't dealt with any of it. Instead (her words), she compartmentalized it all -- "put it in a box". She relates that she has put up walls and presently is mostly numb. She relates that she has to work on "her" before she can decide if she wants to work on "us". She doesn't want to talk about "us".

Physically -- she is shut off from me. No hugs, no pecks on the cheek, no hand holding -- nothing. we sleep in the same bed but she withdraws to her side of the bed.

She doesn't seem to be very interested in what goes on in my day-to-day. She rarely asks. I presented MB to her a few weeks back by giving her the basic concepts. She thinks it is hokey. I offered to let her read LB and she has declined.

This is where we stand. There is no indication of EA or PA. I've seen all relevant forms of communication and we have active GPS tracking on our phones. I want "us" to be better. Better than we ever were. I feel with the tools that MB has taught me, I can be (am becoming) a better man, a better husband, a better partner.

Is there something that I'm not doing that would be helpful?

You keep trying to spend time with her. You avoid fighting with her at all costs. You read Dr. Harley's friends and enemies of good conversation daily and attempt to practice this concept daily in talking to your wife. You give your wife affection, daily. If you've got children still living at home, you spend time with your wife and the children together. And you give your wife admiration frequently.

She won't be interested in you until she falls in love with you again. Which she will do if you follow this plan patiently.


That's okay. It's enough that you made the attempt. The main thing is to get the husband on board with the program. According to Dr. Harley, if the wife is reluctant about Marriage Builders, but the husband is following the plan, the marriage still has a great chance of turning around.

Thank you

How do I spend time with her when she doesn't want to? How do I give her affection if she won't allow it?

Join her whenever possible, especially when she's relaxing, engaging in recreation, or escaping. Come up with fun activities and invite her to do them with you. She may decline, but keep coming up with new things and asking her.

Stay in contact with her every day as much as possible. Call her during the day from work just to say hello and ask how she's doing. Use texting, instant messenger, email, or whatever other means of contact is available to you. Call her on your way home.

Read Dr. Harley's Q&A column on affection and start doing the things it lists, daily. Tell her you love her. Write her notes and leave them for her when you go to work or slip them into her lunch, books, or whatever else. Buy her a card.

Have you read about the friends and enemies of good conversation yet?

No, I haven't. Where is it?

Under the articles section. You should start with that article but work your way through all the basic concepts, then love busters, then emotional needs.