I have a concern I am not sure how to address. I am married to a man who I will describe as very kind and selfless, with many other terrific qualities. Second marriage for both of us, and we both have adult children- 1 each living with us. The issue is, though, that his identity seems to be completely wrapped up in his kids. It seems we almost never have a conversation where they do not come up. I have a pleasant and developing relationship with the one who lives at home, and she is not a problem in any way, but frankly I feel pushed aside much of the time. I know there were abandonment issues with him and the children from a previous marriage so maybe this is where this is coming from. How can I address this and at the same time communicate my needs for some undivided attention? It just seems odd that he almost never says "I" if we're talking about some like or dislike (i.e. a TV show, food, etc)- it's always "(daughter) and I" went to this restaurant, or saw this movie, or enjoyed this TV show, etc. It's not like I don't think they should have a relationship, or that he should never talk about her, but maybe I'm not comfortable with how close it is and how much priority it takes over our marriage.

Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts?
Have you read his book His Needs, Her Needs?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site and taken the site tour?


Here is an article that Dr. Harley wrote about children in marriage. Even though you are in a step parent situation, I think it will give you a good idea of what Dr. Harley teaches about the order of prioritization in marriage.

Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other

At the end of that article, there is a link to the next one. It explains the guideline which if you and your husband start to follow, will solve this problem.

The Policy of Undivided Attention
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

MRO, Can you come back after you read the articles and and let us know what you think?

That's a pretty common problem in blended families. But I'll bet that if you worded it to your husband that way there'd be a good chance he'd disagree with you, or not understand what you mean ("identity completely wrapped up" is kind of complicated philosophical language for most men) and you wouldn't make much headway.

I would encourage you to look through the Marriage Builders Basic Concepts here to get some good ideas on how to word what you need and express it to your husband. For example, you need him to give you enough of his undivided attention each week, and if his children get in the way of that, then either he needs to spend less time with them, or something else needs to go. And you need for him to refrain from doing anything that you are not enthusiastic about (Dr. Harley calls this the Policy of Joint Agreement), so if he is doing anything for or with his children that you are not enthusiastic about, you need him to stop those things and stick to things that you are enthusiastic about.

As a first step, I would encourage you to read through the Basic Concepts, print them out, and give them to your husband, and ask how he feels about them. He may agree with Dr. Harley that this is the way to have a great marriage, and then through following those concepts, all of your problems with his children will be solved! If he doesn't, though, then come back here and we can talk to you about some next steps for getting him interested in following those rules.

It sounds like your husband PoJAs with his daughter which automatically excludes you from being his other half. You can only have oneness with one person!

Do you think any of the concepts here would sell him on this program? If he PoJAs everything with you, not only is your problem solved but he also doesn't have to do anything he is unenthusiastic about.

Yes, I've read all the concepts and columns. Some good points have been raised here. I don't know how to bring it up without him becoming defensive. Maybe this falls into the instincts and habits category (see below) and definitely unmet undivided attention needs. Being semiretired we are fortunate to have more time available than some, but it still seems to be a problem. Plus when we are alone together the conversation inevitably turns to his kids (particularly the younger one). I'm concerned that he is never going to be able to detach from her, which is not good for anyone involved. I have considered talking this over with a counselor to get an objective opinion on what is "normal", and learning if/how to bring it up. I know I was on the opposite spectrum in closeness with my dad (i.e. not at all) so I don't have a good frame of reference. But I don't think shopping together frequently each week (groceries, clothes, personal supplies, etc), texting many times a day about mundane issues, and focusing on what she does and doesn't eat is normal. It almost seems like an obsession to me.

Conflict avoidance creates more conflict. Don't get into the greasy hands of a counsellor to avoid direct statements with your husband. Only you can do that.'it bothers me when....'
Or 'I don't enjoy conversations about' said cheerfully and pleasantly.

If theres an attempt on his part to draw you into justification refuse to justify or explain. If he justifies it say 'Up to you.'I just thought you should know.'

What he does then is up to him.

You don't have to justify things as 'normal' This is your husband who loves you. You don't need a jury to get him to listen and consider you.

So I know undivided attention = no kids or other family present (makes sense); does this include not discussing the kids at all?

The conversation should be conversation you both enjoy and are enthusiastic about. You should have lots of FUN conversation! If it's not fun for one or both of you, change the subject and save that topic for later.

It's not your job to control his emotional reactions. Print the Basic Concepts, give them to him, and come back and tell us how he reacted.

Branding things "normal" versus "not normal" is really the gateway to disrespect, which will kill marriage. If the two of you will follow the policy of joint agreement, it will solve the problem without the need for anybody to be disrespectful to each other.

Let us know when you've shown him the concepts and what he says!

I wonder if a father will get this much attached to male children as your husband is to his daughter. I have heard some say that fathers dote on their daughters while mothers dote on their sons.

If a guy gets as much attached to sons then it is a good thing for my marriage because we have a 17 year old son. It will be something that will keep him from the OW.

Either way, it seems like his daughter is grown up and will soon fly the nest. They then get involved in their own love and lives and hardly have time for the parents. It would leave a void in your husband's life to fill which he will turn to you. So I advise being as patient as you have been.

This post reflects a great ignorance of basic MB concepts. The path to a good marriage is not through the attention given to children! If there is an OW in the picture, then family commitment goes out the window. Waiting around for your spouse's love for his child to draw him away from an affair is about as likely to succeed as catching a tuna with a 10-pound test line.

Please help this poster with Marriage Builders advice or refrain from posting.

You are giving non MB advice by telling this woman to let her husband put his daughter first for the time being, until she leaves home.

Parents should never put their children above the marriage, and in a second marriage with a step child, this is even more important. Parents putting their own children above their new spouses is the primary reason for the extremely high breakdown rate of second marriages, according to Dr Harley's research.

This wife needs to do as she was advised above, and raise the issue with her husband, and ask for changes. She needs to be the priority in his life on a daily basis - not his daughter.

If you are going to advise people here, you need to make sure that you give the advice that Dr Harley gives. This is not a forum for personal opinions.

Especially when the man is not your spouse, jenni, but only your boyfriend.

Well, formerly my partner (out of my own choice), now my fiance and partner, my husband to be within 6 months.

Still learning the MB stuff. I thought asking him to spend less time with his daughter would count as a "selfish demand".