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Hello Dr. Harley I'm 32 and my husband is 33, 3 years ago I had an affair with my husbands best friend. My husband and I weren't getting along well at that point there had been a few micro- separations this all started when he got himself a high paying job. When then fighting started suddenly he could no longer put up with my hen pecking. Enter his BF who was their for me emotionally don't know how it happened but one thing led to another and I wound up pregnant with OM child. I know this since the baby looks like the OM. Oddly after the pregnancy our marriage improved since my husbands loves his daughter or what he thinks is his daughter.
Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do?
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Hopeless you are posting to the forum, not to Dr H.
As for the chances of your marriage surviving, that's up to your husband. He gets to make the decision about staying, not you. Recovery of a marriage after an affair is extremely possible but it is up to the betrayed spouse to decide if that is what they want.
Most betrayed spouses do desire recovery - often to their own surprise. But the likelihood is not the point. You have no right to keep your husband in ignorance so that you can make all the decisions. He has the right to know, and to divorce if he wants to.
You are simply going to have to put on your big girl pants and face that possibility.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/07/15 10:25 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do? Do you think that your husband should be the one to make that decision? Shouldn't he have that right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The truth is never a bad policy. It would also be so much better if you go to your husband with the truth before anyone else does. Tell him everything, tell him you still love him and want to forsake all others, plead guilty to what you've done, and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
My opinion is from the perspective of a former betrayed husband. Those are things I would have wanted to happen if it was an option. Instead I found out she was never going to tell me and that hurt and enraged me beyond comprehension.
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Hearing the truth as a betrayed spouse is such....a relief. All the mysteries solved, all the suspicion you berate yourself for validated. Suddenly fate is in your hands again.
I also think it's beyond naive that you thought he'd never find out. The truth has as many facets as a bursting star. Even if your OM were to keep his lips locked, there are records and mementos of your affair just waiting to surface one day. Your daughter's DNA and blood tests were always going to risk a discovery.
If you'd come clean immediately it would be easier than coming clean now after watching him falling in love with the little one over three years. Equally it is better to come clean NOW instead of after he's supported her to adulthood unknowingly.
If he's going to raise another man's child at least allow him the distinction of choosing to do so, instead of making a fool out of him.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hello Dr. Harley I'm 32 and my husband is 33, 3 years ago I had an affair with my husbands best friend. My husband and I weren't getting along well at that point there had been a few micro- separations this all started when he got himself a high paying job. When then fighting started suddenly he could no longer put up with my hen pecking. Enter his BF who was their for me emotionally don't know how it happened but one thing led to another and I wound up pregnant with OM child. I know this since the baby looks like the OM. Oddly after the pregnancy our marriage improved since my husbands loves his daughter or what he thinks is his daughter.
Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do? Welcome to MB. It sounds to me as if you have been living in denial for some time. You have never told your husband about the affair, or about the suspicion that the child is his. Did you think you could keep this a secret for the child's whole life? For one thing, OM seems to still have a means of contacting you. How did you think he was never going to tell his "best friend"? Are you still having your affair? If not, how did you establish an end to the affair, and no contact with OM? How did you do that without your husband asking questions? Surely he still wants to see his best friend? Has OM been visiting his child (so called)? If you have not had a DNA test done, you do not know that the child is OM's. She must look sufficiently neutral to be possibly your husband's child, otherwise he would know by now (if, for example, she had a different skin colour from the two of you). And excuse me, but you DO know how it happened and you "wound up" pregnant with OM's child. You know where babies come from as well as any of us. "One thing led to another" is how relationships get going. A man and a woman form a friendship and have intimate conversations during which they flirt, and then a sexual relationship develops. You need to confess the affair and tell your H about your suspicions about the child. Let us know what he says, and we will help you from there. He might not want a DNA test. He might believe that he is the father, and he might feel that if he is not, he will carry on being the father she has always known. If he wants to stay with you and rebuild the marriage, then there are several things that you need to do, starting with sending a NC letter to OM, changing your phone numbers and moving away. If OM insists that the child is his and he wants to see it, refuse. Let him find out for himself that he needs a court order for a DNA test, and that not all judges will allow that.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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hopeless, I suggest you change your name to something that doesn't have the word "hope" in it. There are so many people here who pick a name about "hopeful" "hope" or "hopeless" that it is very very hard to keep them straight. I suggest picking a name that doesn't have anything to do with anything. 
Last edited by markos; 07/07/15 01:53 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Pick something cheerful or brave won't you, love? No matter what your husband's decision your life is in your hands.
Seems unfair sometimes that after a long spotless record, we are all only judged by our very last action. But then you realize your future reputation is based on your next action.
Make it a brave and honest one. You can do it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made.
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truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made. The solution is to tell your husband so he can make his own choices and protect himself from you and your creepy boyfriend. He is not your pet.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. That is a pretty common thing for someone to say or feel during the addiction of an affair. But can you see how ridiculous it is? And how hurtful to your husband? It's time to start making things right with him by telling him the truth and owning up to your actions.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made. We can't help you if you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made. Do you intend to take any of my advice about telling your husband? Do you see that you cannot hope to stay in your marriage with that kind of deceit taking place? Can you honestly see your self in the future, happily married to your husband while his best friend and you see each other, and OM comes to visit "his child", right under your husband's nose? And if you do not confess and your husband finds out how badly you have deceived him, your marriage will be over. Your best chance of saving it is to confess. When was the last time you and OM had sex, and when was the last time you had a private conversation with him? Why is he now threatening to out this secret? What does he want from you? My guess is that he has asked you to rekindle the sexual part of your relationship, as a price for his silence. If you are not willing to tell your husband, then by definition you are agreeing to whatever terms OM is asking. Are you going to tell your husband?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
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Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. We can't help you if you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. It's a waste of time to tell us WHY you won't, because if you won't do it, your marriage is going to eventually be destroyed, regardless of WHY you didn't. Will you tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again? If not, please just tell us "no" and spare us the reasons why not, and let us save our time to help people who really want to be helped.
Last edited by markos; 07/07/15 04:03 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do? I don't know if the 90% figure is correct or not, but according to Dr. Harley, the path to recovery from an affair is very narrow. Most people don't make it because they don't do what needs to be done. You will lose your marriage if you do not tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. You will be a part of the 90%. The only way to be part of the 10% is to follow the plan here, without leaving anything out. If you leave anything out, your marriage will fail. I guarantee it.
Last edited by markos; 07/07/15 04:05 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600Dear K. R., The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'd add the only decision to be made here is whether you want your husband to find out from you or from someone else. Because with what you've told us already about this situation, his finding out is inevitable. There isn't going to be any keeping this one under wraps with how close everyone in this situation is involved with each other. He's going to find out whether you want it to happen or not.
I've been a betrayed husband. You'd be much better off letting him find out from you rather than from someone else if avoiding divorce is your objective. If you can't even be honest with him about this, he will have little choice but to assume you can't be honest with him about anything. I'm telling you this from experience.
Tell him yourself. Everyone is different but if I was in his shoes my frustrations would fall hardest on whoever didn't have the respect for me to tell me the truth, and from what I gather here you are worried about OM telling him first. You really do not want that to happen.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us? Sex between om and myself ended just after I became pregnant. Truth is I can't stand him over at our home! Wish that he would just go away, sex between us will never happen! Most of the time when he is over I'm in the bedroom or I simply leave the house until he is gone. It all started when Om came over to our home and my husband took an urgent phone call this is when the om threatened to expose the affair if I didn't share access to his daughter. As we speak our relationship between my husband and I is stable. How will it affect the relationship between our daughter and her father should he find out the truth. Heard of a woman who told told her husband that his daughter may not be his and after DNA testing the truth surfaced and the once daddy daughter relationship ended.
Last edited by hopelessnworried; 07/07/15 04:43 PM.
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Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us? If you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. It's a waste of time to tell us WHY you won't, because if you won't do it, your marriage is going to eventually be destroyed, regardless of WHY you didn't. Did you read the information I posted from Dr. Willard Harley? Dr. Harley knows how a marriage can be one of the few that survive an affair. He has helped people recover from affairs for decades.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Om and I are not together nor do I want him. If you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again, please don't waste our time telling us why. It doesn't matter why, and it doesn't matter how you feel about OM. Your marriage won't make it if you won't do this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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