Hello Dr. Harley I'm 32 and my husband is 33, 3 years ago I had an affair with my husbands best friend. My husband and I weren't getting along well at that point there had been a few micro- separations this all started when he got himself a high paying job. When then fighting started suddenly he could no longer put up with my hen pecking. Enter his BF who was their for me emotionally don't know how it happened but one thing led to another and I wound up pregnant with OM child. I know this since the baby looks like the OM. Oddly after the pregnancy our marriage improved since my husbands loves his daughter or what he thinks is his daughter.
Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do?
Hopeless you are posting to the forum, not to Dr H.
As for the chances of your marriage surviving, that's up to your husband. He gets to make the decision about staying, not you. Recovery of a marriage after an affair is extremely possible but it is up to the betrayed spouse to decide if that is what they want.
Most betrayed spouses do desire recovery - often to their own surprise. But the likelihood is not the point. You have no right to keep your husband in ignorance so that you can make all the decisions. He has the right to know, and to divorce if he wants to.
You are simply going to have to put on your big girl pants and face that possibility.
Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do?
Do you think that your husband should be the one to make that decision? Shouldn't he have that right?
The truth is never a bad policy. It would also be so much better if you go to your husband with the truth before anyone else does. Tell him everything, tell him you still love him and want to forsake all others, plead guilty to what you've done, and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
My opinion is from the perspective of a former betrayed husband. Those are things I would have wanted to happen if it was an option. Instead I found out she was never going to tell me and that hurt and enraged me beyond comprehension.
Hearing the truth as a betrayed spouse is such....a relief. All the mysteries solved, all the suspicion you berate yourself for validated. Suddenly fate is in your hands again.
I also think it's beyond naive that you thought he'd never find out. The truth has as many facets as a bursting star. Even if your OM were to keep his lips locked, there are records and mementos of your affair just waiting to surface one day. Your daughter's DNA and blood tests were always going to risk a discovery.
If you'd come clean immediately it would be easier than coming clean now after watching him falling in love with the little one over three years. Equally it is better to come clean NOW instead of after he's supported her to adulthood unknowingly.
If he's going to raise another man's child at least allow him the distinction of choosing to do so, instead of making a fool out of him.
Hello Dr. Harley I'm 32 and my husband is 33, 3 years ago I had an affair with my husbands best friend. My husband and I weren't getting along well at that point there had been a few micro- separations this all started when he got himself a high paying job. When then fighting started suddenly he could no longer put up with my hen pecking. Enter his BF who was their for me emotionally don't know how it happened but one thing led to another and I wound up pregnant with OM child. I know this since the baby looks like the OM. Oddly after the pregnancy our marriage improved since my husbands loves his daughter or what he thinks is his daughter.
Re-enter his best friend who is now threatening to expose me to my husband. After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do?
Welcome to MB.
It sounds to me as if you have been living in denial for some time. You have never told your husband about the affair, or about the suspicion that the child is his. Did you think you could keep this a secret for the child's whole life? For one thing, OM seems to still have a means of contacting you. How did you think he was never going to tell his "best friend"?
Are you still having your affair? If not, how did you establish an end to the affair, and no contact with OM? How did you do that without your husband asking questions? Surely he still wants to see his best friend?
Has OM been visiting his child (so called)?
If you have not had a DNA test done, you do not know that the child is OM's. She must look sufficiently neutral to be possibly your husband's child, otherwise he would know by now (if, for example, she had a different skin colour from the two of you).
And excuse me, but you DO know how it happened and you "wound up" pregnant with OM's child. You know where babies come from as well as any of us. "One thing led to another" is how relationships get going. A man and a woman form a friendship and have intimate conversations during which they flirt, and then a sexual relationship develops.
You need to confess the affair and tell your H about your suspicions about the child. Let us know what he says, and we will help you from there. He might not want a DNA test. He might believe that he is the father, and he might feel that if he is not, he will carry on being the father she has always known. If he wants to stay with you and rebuild the marriage, then there are several things that you need to do, starting with sending a NC letter to OM, changing your phone numbers and moving away.
If OM insists that the child is his and he wants to see it, refuse. Let him find out for himself that he needs a court order for a DNA test, and that not all judges will allow that.
hopeless, I suggest you change your name to something that doesn't have the word "hope" in it. There are so many people here who pick a name about "hopeful" "hope" or "hopeless" that it is very very hard to keep them straight.
I suggest picking a name that doesn't have anything to do with anything.
Pick something cheerful or brave won't you, love? No matter what your husband's decision your life is in your hands.
Seems unfair sometimes that after a long spotless record, we are all only judged by our very last action. But then you realize your future reputation is based on your next action.
Make it a brave and honest one. You can do it.
truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made.
truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made.
The solution is to tell your husband so he can make his own choices and protect himself from you and your creepy boyfriend. He is not your pet.
Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om.
That is a pretty common thing for someone to say or feel during the addiction of an affair. But can you see how ridiculous it is? And how hurtful to your husband?
It's time to start making things right with him by telling him the truth and owning up to your actions.
Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made.
We can't help you if you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again.
truth be told sex between om and myself was addicting for one month during our liaison I had a headache so to speak however my husband and I did have sex a couple of times but only because he pushed it. Felt so guilty having sex with my husband since it felt like I was cheating on om. Strongly doubt that our daughter is my husband's due to the frequency of sexual intimacy with om. Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home. Again I don't want om. It was a selfish mistake that I made.
Do you intend to take any of my advice about telling your husband? Do you see that you cannot hope to stay in your marriage with that kind of deceit taking place? Can you honestly see your self in the future, happily married to your husband while his best friend and you see each other, and OM comes to visit "his child", right under your husband's nose? And if you do not confess and your husband finds out how badly you have deceived him, your marriage will be over. Your best chance of saving it is to confess.
When was the last time you and OM had sex, and when was the last time you had a private conversation with him?
Why is he now threatening to out this secret? What does he want from you? My guess is that he has asked you to rekindle the sexual part of your relationship, as a price for his silence. If you are not willing to tell your husband, then by definition you are agreeing to whatever terms OM is asking.
Are you going to tell your husband?
Today I love my husband and don't want om, however om is my husband's BF. So we have contact when ever he comes over to our home.
We can't help you if you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. It's a waste of time to tell us WHY you won't, because if you won't do it, your marriage is going to eventually be destroyed, regardless of WHY you didn't.
Will you tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again? If not, please just tell us "no" and spare us the reasons why not, and let us save our time to help people who really want to be helped.
After reading an article by John Gottman a psychologist who says that 90% of affairs end in divorce. What to do?
I don't know if the 90% figure is correct or not, but according to Dr. Harley, the path to recovery from an affair is very narrow. Most people don't make it because they don't do what needs to be done.
You will lose your marriage if you do not tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. You will be a part of the 90%. The only way to be part of the 10% is to follow the plan here, without leaving anything out. If you leave anything out, your marriage will fail. I guarantee it.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600Dear K. R.,
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
I'd add the only decision to be made here is whether you want your husband to find out from you or from someone else. Because with what you've told us already about this situation, his finding out is inevitable. There isn't going to be any keeping this one under wraps with how close everyone in this situation is involved with each other. He's going to find out whether you want it to happen or not.
I've been a betrayed husband. You'd be much better off letting him find out from you rather than from someone else if avoiding divorce is your objective. If you can't even be honest with him about this, he will have little choice but to assume you can't be honest with him about anything. I'm telling you this from experience.
Tell him yourself. Everyone is different but if I was in his shoes my frustrations would fall hardest on whoever didn't have the respect for me to tell me the truth, and from what I gather here you are worried about OM telling him first. You really do not want that to happen.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us? Sex between om and myself ended just after I became pregnant. Truth is I can't stand him over at our home! Wish that he would just go away, sex between us will never happen! Most of the time when he is over I'm in the bedroom or I simply leave the house until he is gone. It all started when Om came over to our home and my husband took an urgent phone call this is when the om threatened to expose the affair if I didn't share access to his daughter. As we speak our relationship between my husband and I is stable. How will it affect the relationship between our daughter and her father should he find out the truth. Heard of a woman who told told her husband that his daughter may not be his and after DNA testing the truth surfaced and the once daddy daughter relationship ended.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
If you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again. It's a waste of time to tell us WHY you won't, because if you won't do it, your marriage is going to eventually be destroyed, regardless of WHY you didn't.
Did you read the information I posted from Dr. Willard Harley? Dr. Harley knows how a marriage can be one of the few that survive an affair. He has helped people recover from affairs for decades.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him.
If you won't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again, please don't waste our time telling us why. It doesn't matter why, and it doesn't matter how you feel about OM. Your marriage won't make it if you won't do this.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
Your husband deserves to know, and choose for himself. Right now he is living a lie, and I feel so bad for him. If you have any dignity left inside yourself, you will tell him yourself now, and not let the OM hold this over your head as black mail. Truth out weighs kindness 100 fold. In this situation truth is the only thing that matters.
The only option you have to fix this is to tell him, and offer him a plan for recovery through Marriage Builders. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life with regret and guilt. Please do the right thing....
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with.
Aren't you the one posting that John Gottman says there's a 90% chance your marriage will end in divorce now that you've had an affair?
If you're not here to get advice on how to prevent this from happening, then why are you here? Dr. Harley knows how to save your marriage, and I suggest you listen to him.
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous.
If you don't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for the OM to contact you, it's going to be a disaster. I guarantee it.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
It is patronizing to hold this away from your husband like he's a baby.
It is not kindness, it's lying. Your husband will find it far easier to forgive the initial mistake than the on going lie. For heaven's sake you and your lover are STILL discussing this behind his back. That's outrageous.
Besides you will be exposed someday.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
No, it is not "kind" to lie to your husband and trick him into staying married to you. It is cruel and manipulative. You are being dangerous and selfish to him by lying to him about his own life. He has a right to know the truth about his own like so he can make his own decisions. By trcking him, you are denying him the right to make his own decisions.
Heard of a woman who told told her husband that his daughter may not be his and after DNA testing the truth surfaced and the once daddy daughter relationship ended.
That is your husband's decision, NOT YOURS. He is not your pet rabbit.
As we speak our relationship between my husband and I is stable.
That is a cruel lie and an illusion that has been orchestrated by your manipulations. You have tricked him into staying married to you.
You are dangerous person.
How will it affect the relationship between our daughter and her father should he find out the truth.
How will it affect your daughter when your marriage fails because you did not tell your husband the truth and did not make it impossible for the OM to ever contact you again?
Heard of a woman who told told her husband that his daughter may not be his and after DNA testing the truth surfaced and the once daddy daughter relationship ended.
Isn't that better than never knowing? Isn't it better for him to make an informed choice?
No, it is not "kind" to lie to your husband and trick him into staying married to you.
X10000
He might not have any interest in being married to you. How can it be kinder to trick him into being married than to allow him to make his own decisions about you and your daughter?
Not to mention the fact that your own peculiar brand of marriage recovery involves regular tete a tetes with your lover. At the very least your husband deserves the right to drive this scumbag off IF he chooses recovery.
Om and I are not together nor do I want him. My husband is who I'm with and will always be with. Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
No, even if the om doesn't expose you, your marriage will still fail if you don't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for the OM to ever contact you again.
Truth is I can't stand him over at our home! Wish that he would just go away
Then wouldn't it be great to follow Dr. Harley's advice and get rid of this guy?????
sex between us will never happen!
It doesn't matter. Even if you never have sex with OM again, your marriage will fail if you do not tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again.
Most of the time when he is over I'm in the bedroom or I simply leave the house until he is gone.
It doesn't matter. Even if you avoid OM when he is over, your marriage will fail if you do not tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again.
It all started when Om came over to our home and my husband took an urgent phone call this is when the om threatened to expose the affair if I didn't share access to his daughter.
Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth providing om doesn't expose us?
Is this your idea of "kindness:"
1. committing adultery with a man's best friend
2. having a child with said dirtbag
3. lying to husband for years about affair and the parentage of his child
This is your idea of "kindness?" In what world? Are you so wayward from lying for so many years that you actually believe it is "kind" to destroy someone behind his back in this manner?
If you care about your husband, you will tell him the truth about his own life. What you are doing is cruel and manipulative. It is certainly not "kind."
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands. It's cruel and untruthful to say that I'm manipulating him into staying together. Simply not true! It was a mistake, also om is best friends with my husband plain and simple. Again how will it affect the relationship with our daughter is another factor, what if he disowns her and doesn't pay for her college or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Wouldn't kindness be better than the truth
That doesn't make any sense.
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands. It's cruel and untruthful to say that I'm manipulating him into staying together. Simply not true! It was a mistake, also om is best friends with my husband plain and simple. Again how will it affect the relationship with our daughter is another factor, what if he disowns her and doesn't pay for her college or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Why doesn't he have the right to disown her if he wants?
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands. It's cruel and untruthful to say that I'm manipulating him into staying together. Simply not true! It was a mistake, also om is best friends with my husband plain and simple. Again how will it affect the relationship with our daughter is another factor, what if he disowns her and doesn't pay for her college or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Do not be talking about cruelty when you have had a child with another man, and are hiding this fact from your husband leaving him to believe that the child is his. THAT'S cruelty, Hon.
Cruelty is keeping the truth from him.
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands.
It doesn't matter. Your marriage will fail if you do not tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again.
Did you read the words from Dr. Harley that I posted?
Will you please quit wasting your time trying to give us a reason why you shouldn't tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for OM to contact you ever again? If you don't want to do it, just don't do it.
Your husband has a right to know what kind of "friend" his "best friend" really is.
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands. It's cruel and untruthful to say that I'm manipulating him into staying together. Simply not true! It was a mistake, also om is best friends with my husband plain and simple. Again how will it affect the relationship with our daughter is another factor, what if he disowns her and doesn't pay for her college or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Its outrageous of you to expect a man to raise another man's child. Why on earth should he be expected to help raise and pay for your child?. If your husband decides not to raise another man's child - he has every right to do so.
If you are not manipulating him, then simply tell him the truth. That way if he still decides to raise your daughter as his own it's for love and it will be his decision - not the result of your trickery.
This is like saying it's ok to forge a check because your kid needs the money. Disgraceful.
There are a lot of women in my predicament who love their husbands. It's cruel and untruthful to say that I'm manipulating him into staying together. Simply not true!
It is true. You are tricking him into staying married based ON A LIE. It is cruel and manipulative.
or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Most importantly her wedding? A big flashy wedding is not more important than honesty and most importantly a serious and honest attitude to marriage.
A marriage is more important than a wedding.
hopeless, the decent thing to do would be to tell your husband the truth. You have done some terrible things to your husband. The only way to make this right is to tell him the truth. There is no justification to continue manipulating him.
Fail to see that since he has such a close relationship with her wouldn't the worst thing be to destroy that relationship? Prisca do you have any experience with this? Why break up a happy relationship, he buys her clothes and toys plus they take pictures together and he puts them all over his office, brags to others how beautiful "HIS" daughter is. At his high school reunion he introduced her to all of his old classmates as his pride and joy.he lets everyone know about her. Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
Right now he is living a lie, and I feel so bad for him.
We are telling you because we know how it is for your husband. Even if you have an amazing few days, months, years from today - he is going to find out.
When he does find out he is going to look back at July 2015 as one big fat lie.
Fail to see that since he has such a close relationship with her wouldn't the worst thing be to destroy that relationship? Prisca do you have any experience with this? Why break up a happy relationship, he buys her clothes and toys plus they take pictures together and he puts them all over his office, brags to others how beautiful "HIS" daughter is. At his high school reunion he introduced her to all of his old classmates as his pride and joy.he lets everyone know about her. Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
Why are you ignoring my questions?
Fail to see that since he has such a close relationship with her wouldn't the worst thing be to destroy that relationship? Prisca do you have any experience with this? Why break up a happy relationship, he buys her clothes and toys plus they take pictures together and he puts them all over his office, brags to others how beautiful "HIS" daughter is. At his high school reunion he introduced her to all of his old classmates as his pride and joy.he lets everyone know about her. Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
You are mean and cruel to lie to your husband and trick him into staying married to you under the illusion that this is his daughter. He may choose to end his marriage and end his relationship with his daughter.
'
THAT IS HIS CHOICE. You have no right to deny him the choices about his own life by tricking him. Your marriage is a fraud and you have kept him in this marriage fraudulently.
Did you read the words from Dr. Harley that I posted?
Fail to see that since he has such a close relationship with her wouldn't the worst thing be to destroy that relationship? Prisca do you have any experience with this? Why break up a happy relationship, he buys her clothes and toys plus they take pictures together and he puts them all over his office, brags to others how beautiful "HIS" daughter is. At his high school reunion he introduced her to all of his old classmates as his pride and joy.he lets everyone know about her. Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
That is HIS decision not YOURS. He can decide to continue the relationship or he can decide not to.
You do not get to make decisions for hm as though he is a pet.
Stop tricking him for your own selfish purposes. He is not your pet.
Fail to see that since he has such a close relationship with her wouldn't the worst thing be to destroy that relationship? Prisca do you have any experience with this? Why break up a happy relationship, he buys her clothes and toys plus they take pictures together and he puts them all over his office, brags to others how beautiful "HIS" daughter is. At his high school reunion he introduced her to all of his old classmates as his pride and joy.he lets everyone know about her. Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
What's mean is allowing him to believe she IS his, when you know the truth.
He may decide to stay FOR her because he loves her so much. But that's his choice to make, not yours.
Prisca do you have any experience with this?
Yes, Prisca is an expert at Dr. Harley's plan for surviving an affair! In fact she is great, and I suggest you listen to her and follow her advice closely.
Did you read the information that I posted from Dr. Harley?
There is no justification to continue manipulating him.
My worst nightmare, it actually wakes me up sometimes, is that I never found out about the affair and my best friend/the mistress was still coming over.
Did you read the words from Dr. Harley that I posted?
Will you answer this?
Again would that be plain mean to disrupt it?
Why do you keep asking the same question over and over again but not answer our questions?
Markos I just discovered this site yesterday please I haven't read everything yet and yes it is my plan to tell him. However there are just a few minute details that I'm working out. So you ask why won't I tell him? First H doesn't look anything like him because our daughter has more features like that off his best friend. My H is short and swarthy while his best friend is Nordic. That being said I'm a dark brunette so our daughter is a light brunette fortunately H grand father was tall with beeky nose and he sees a lot of resemblance in his grand father who he was close to in her.
Again sex with the right person is addictive truly didn't sleep with nobody else and have no intention of doing so. Simply put it was a lapse in judgement. But how will this affect his and her relationship?
Hopeless, markos is referring the the quotes from Dr. Harley that he posted in your thread. Have you read those?
But how will this affect his and her relationship?
That will be up to your husband. He will make that decision. He will also make the decision about the marriage. He has much more to contend with than the typical affair because of the years of lies and betrayal. This goes beyond the manipulation we typically see.
When will you tell him?
When do you plan to tell him?
The longer you wait, the more likely your marriage will fail. A marriage cannot survive if it is built on lies.
Indie sorry to hear about that however I'm not having an affair with om! TRUTH! Maybe your H was addicted to having sex with your BFF much like I was to H BF. Good news is that I've moved on and am not sexual with anyone but my husband. Maybe your husband has moved on too and is no longer missing the "mistress" like he is missing you!
Hopeless, the lies are worse than the original affair. It doesn't matter if you are sleeping with OM right now. What matters is your continued lies.
A marriage based on lies cannot survive.
Markos I just discovered this site yesterday please I haven't read everything yet
This is what I posted from Dr. Harley. Please read it:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600Dear K. R.,
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Indie sorry to hear about that however I'm not having an affair with om! TRUTH!
You are missing the point. Having this creep hanging around is like inviting your husband's rapist to his home. Only, your husband doesn't know that you and OM have betrayed him behind his back.
So when will you be telling your husband?
Markos I just discovered this site yesterday please I haven't read everything yet and yes it is my plan to tell him. However there are just a few minute details that I'm working out.
You don't have time. It is quite simply amazing you haven't been caught already. The only thing a wayward spouse can offer a betrayed spouse is frank, unselfish honesty and you have already frittered away too many daily chances to do so - now the wolf is at your door.
You don't need to 'work out' details you need to blunt and fast and not worry about how this will affect YOU or your daughter's wedding.
"Sweetheart there is no easy way to say this. I had an affair with your best friend and he may be our daughters father. I have been too chicken and selfish to tell you this and truthfully I am only telling you now because he is blackmailing me.
"I love you and will do anything to regain your trust but I do not expect anything from you if that is expecting too much".
If he does want to recover send him here where he will see many examples of people who have done so and thrived. Most important of all is running off OM and making sure he never gets proof of paternity or admission to your home ever again.
I think, if he were to choose recovery, you would be on the same page on that score.
I'm having a hard time understanding this story - any of it.
What happened after you found out you were pregnant? Did you tell OM the baby might be his? When did you do that - when you were first pregnant? And more importantly, WHY did you do that??
If you didn't tell him, how did he come to think that the baby is his?
Why did he go along with your plan never to tell your husband? What was in it for him? Was he planning to see your daughter secretly, whenever he visited? Why would he do that, and agree to keep your secret? Why not just claim his daughter?
And then this:
It all started when Om came over to our home and my husband took an urgent phone call this is when the om threatened to expose the affair if I didn't share access to his daughter.
How would it be possible to share access to a child that your husband thinks is his, without telling your husband? How would OM have proper visitation rights? How would he be able to take the child out for the day, under a "shared access" arrangement, without telling your husband anything about the girl's supposed paternity?
Inorder to save our marriage I am going to right my H a letter and give it to him tonite!
Inorder to save our marriage I am going to right my H a letter and give it to him tonite!
This is the only chance your marriage has to survive.
What are you going to tell him?
Hopeless,
I (and others) are trying to put you inside your husband's head for just a little while, based on first-hand experience. You should value this because it's information that you cannot get on your own.
All of your reasonings and rationalizations about why this or that would be better or kinder don't at all speak to what your husband is going through and how he will feel once he finds out.
But what we are telling you does. It speaks exactly to how he will feel WHEN (not even going to say IF) he finds out.
The longer you delay this the more gunpowder you pour into a BOMB, and if you let someone else tell your husband you do not shield him at all from it, it will hit him much harder than it would if you are the one that comes clean with him.
None of this is about whether you continue with the OM or not. The damage here with OM is already done and his days of being anywhere near your husband are already counting down. What we're trying to help you with is giving you the best shot not to end up with a burned bridge as well.
Like others have said, the lies will hurt him worse than the affair. I can vouch for that, I've been there. You can either put an end to the lies or give your husband the (very credible) fear that they will continue.
Inorder to save our marriage I am going to right my H a letter and give it to him tonite!
Thats great! What do you plan on telling him?
Indie sorry to hear about that however I'm not having an affair with om! TRUTH! Maybe your H was addicted to having sex with your BFF much like I was to H BF. Good news is that I've moved on and am not sexual with anyone but my husband. Maybe your husband has moved on too and is no longer missing the "mistress" like he is missing you!
I have no idea. he got one chance to be brutally honest when I found out and when he continued to deny the affair, I kicked him out. I have a better life now.
I could have lived with the past affair but not ongoing lies. This is what I am warning you about. The image of his face when he told some small, affair related lie, is far more painful than the idea of the sex. That, of course, was addiction. The lies were a cold blooded choice and a patronising one at that.
To any betrayed spouse, the lies are the worst bit.
And the fact youre not sleeping with him makes no difference at all. He is still in your home. Still interfering in his friends marriage. He has an intimate secret with his wife. That's so much worse than sex to a BS.
Even now, today, if I were to see OW in a crowded place I would feel physically ill. Even though I am more in love today than I was in the love she took. She bullied me as no one else did and made me a fool.
However my enemy is exposed and gone. Not speaking up means you still let your husband's enemy in through the back door to stab him unawares.
It doesn't take sex to do that. Just secrets.
Inorder to save our marriage I am going to right my H a letter and give it to him tonite!
Amazing news - just hold your nerve.
After the pregnancy test came out positive I had a panic attack it wasn't my intention to get pregnant. Om thought it was halirious and good that he had potentially impregnated me, he knew that H and I weren't having frequent sex maybe a couple of times. Further more he was a looser and broke while I had made a mistake om had no way of supporting us eventhough he wanted to continue having the relationship. The only contact we shared afterwards was his constant innuendos at our home about how the child didn't resemble H this was said most behind the back of H. An example was when we went to the lake together and when my husband took our daughter to the washroom he told me that he was sure that he sired the daughter. HOWEVER there wasn't any further physical intimacy between US.
What are you going to tell your husband?
Going to tell him about the affair not rocket science! How it started, why, who, the fact that I was verbally abused as well as alienated led me down a path that I wish I hadn't taken. It's going to take courage more than what I've got so the best way is to write him a letter detailing everything. Think I'll need a pritzer just to calm down, since I'm already panicky!!!
Just can't wait to hear his mother's valuable insight... Ttys
Going to tell him about the affair not rocket science! How it started, why, who, the fact that I was verbally abused as well as alienated led me down a path that I wish I hadn't taken. It's going to take courage more than what I've got so the best way is to write him a letter detailing everything. Think I'll need a pritzer just to calm down, since I'm already panicky!!!
Just can't wait to hear his mother's valuable insight... Ttys
If you are concerned about him getting angry at you and divorcing you, I would STRONGLY advise you to leave out any such justifications for your actions. They will be like little daggers stabbing him in whichever corners of his heart still have empathy or feelings for you. They will crush him.
Just keep it to "I did this at this time with this person, and I think our daughter might be his".
The fact that he was not meeting your needs is important because it means he neglected you, but it does not have anything to do with why you had an affair and now is not the time to talk about it.
I filed for divorce in my situation. Every time I think of my wife blaming me/my actions for her affair I feel reassured about having divorced her. Food for thought.
Going to tell him about the affair not rocket science! How it started, why, who, the fact that I was verbally abused as well as alienated led me down a path that I wish I hadn't taken.
Please don't say that. Verbal abuse can cause a lack of love, warning of an impending separation or it could lead you 'down the path' of a request to stop the verbal abuse. It had nothing to do with a decision to add a whole lotta worse to the situation with his bf.
The relationship likely started with a foolish decision to trust and confide in the loser. Taking responsibility instead of deflecting blame will make this go so much smoother.
Your husband will be looking for honesty and ability to accept responsibility. These things are your only shot.
It will also communicate a serious lack of humility to him at a moment when humility and acceptance of responsibility are your greatest allies in convincing him that this was a one-time mistake and not a secret lifestyle that you have been hiding from him.
One of the first things nearly every BS thinks after discovery is "was this the only time?"
If you speak to him with humility it will go a great distance to reassure him that there aren't other affairs he doesn't know about.
Going to tell him about the affair not rocket science! How it started, why, who, the fact that I was verbally abused as well as alienated led me down a path that I wish I hadn't taken. It's going to take courage more than what I've got so the best way is to write him a letter detailing everything. Think I'll need a pritzer just to calm down, since I'm already panicky!!!
Just can't wait to hear his mother's valuable insight... Ttys
You need to eliminate all the girly excuses in that paragraph. Don't you dare blame him for your affair. It will prove to him that you have no remorse. You can grow some balls and take 100% accountability for your affair and years of lies.
You want any hope of forgiveness? Then you had better take my advice and man up. NO EXCUSES OR BLAMESHIFTING.
You want forgiveness? Then demonstrate some damn remorse! When someone is truly sorry they don't recite the wrongdoing of others.
Women CAN be accountable.
We have a plan here for you to address and eliminate verbal abuse in your marriage, but first you need to tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for the OM to ever contact you again.
There's something you really need to understand. This is absolutely 100% going to blow up in your face. That is undeniably inevitable. Your hubby is going to find out. When he does, the longer you kept it from him, the worse it's going to be. The only chance you have at softening this blow any at all and even remotely saving your marriage is to come clean before you get busted. Remember what everyone says about jailhouse conversions to Christianity? Sure, it's easy to repent once you get caught. Don't be like them. Make a vow to yourself from this day forward you will do the right thing and you might save yourself. Start by confessing before you're caught. After will be far too late.
If you can't make it through a confession to him without losing it then carefully consider everything you want to say and write him a letter. Then sit him down when you're alone and give him the letter. Humble yourself. Any show of foolish pride on your part and you're probably doomed.
Don't make excuses. Keep it simple.
I did this.
I'm terribly sorry.
I will do what I can to make the future better.
It's 1:30 am and after having my husband read the letter there I sat in my room like a little girl awaiting her spanking much like my childhood. My husband unequivocally denied that his daughter wasn't his after all isn't plain fully obvious that she resembles his grand father. DNA testing is totally out of the question and this can never be mentioned to her. As for his bf he wants nothing more to do with him however he wants answers like why did the affair happen? H wants a chronological series of events that led to the affair. Questions like did I enjoy having sex with om more than with him? Is om more attractive? Why would I sleep with a super loser? Was any of his money allocated for the affair I.e dining?
Did we have sex in our bed? Did I suggest a condom before having sex with om was it my intention to be impreganted? What was the sexual frequency and were we ever engaged in it while talking to H over the phone? Do I still have feelings for om and if not then why not? Did om use the car during the liaison? Were we plotting to run away together with H money? Who else knew of the affair and why didn't I tell anyone else about it.
What if he had an affair what would you do about it? Can I trust you when obviously I can't trust myself? Why didn't I at least take birth control? stds? What if I had AIDS and now had given it to him? No I don't have an std or AIDS! All these questions are nauseating, what more should I tell him?
He sounds like he is still in shock. Just be as gentle and loving as possible.
It sounds a lot like the two of you are about to embark on recovery, free from the grip of the worst best friend ever - congratulations.
[quote=Dr. Harley]
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts c[/url]
Give him any information you can. Give him any correspondence you still have. Once he has all the facts he may want to do certain things, like get rid of your bed, but don't try to protect him from certain facts. A betrayed spouse knows what they want to know and what they don't - for example he knows he doesn't want a DNA test.
As for questions regarding your feelings during the A, I'm sure that addiction and obsession is hard to describe. It would help a lot if he were to come here where he could see many people have experienced that and came through the other side.
All of his questions are really normal, btw. I'm a trained investagtive reporter so I found out a lot of the info for myself, but most spouses want to know where sex happened and how much marital funds was used and about protection.
People in affairs spend money like water and hardly ever use protection - part of the affair mind set I guess - so it's standard advice here for spouses to get STD tested. Of course he is worried about that - wouldn't you be?
Oh and I would severely stomp down on the temptation to make any woe is me pity parties about feeling like a spanked little girl. It sounds callous when you consider that your husband is getting to grips with his life being a lie. If you feel guilty, simply say you feel guilty.
Telling him now was the best thing to do. As for your next steps, buy the book "Surviving an affair" asap. Follow the plan.
hopeless,
you do not have much choice here. Damocles sword is already hovering over you. Your choice is not if you should tell him, the choice is to tell him yourself, or have your revengeful affair partner do it in a far far worse way.
You can overcome this, but your husband will be very hurt and you will have to be the best person you can be and have the best marriage to make it up to him. If the child is not his, biologically, this will stand in between you.
By the way, if you do want to save your marriage, you are better off telling the affair partner the child is your husbands and running him off. No way you are going to have any kind of good relationship with your husband if you are sneaking to talk with former affair partner behind his back. This man should be out of your future. You will never recover with him still in the picture.
Dr. Harley reccomends no contact with the affair partner, even if the child is his, unless it is mandated by court, in which case he recommends that the OM pays child support.
P.S.
You don't know for sure if the child is not your husband's. You will find out together by doing a paternity test.
Good job telling him. Get the book Surviving an Affair. Follow the plan to the letter.
Your husband is shell-shocked. Give him Radical Honesty, Dr Harley's recommendation.
If he doesn't want a DNA test, he makes the choice. Most US states have laws making the husband the legal father unless he declares and proves otherwise. Depending on your state, the OM likely has no recourse.
You were likely tested for STDs during the pregnancy. Get those records, show them to your H. Then offer to re-test of he wants.
Please invite your husband here to talk with us. We have used Dr. Harley's program to build great marriages from the ashes of an affair. We can help him work through the shock and get back on his feet.
Congratulations on taking the first important step.
Link to things you need to read and radio shows to listen:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445081#Post2445081Dr. Harley on affair-child:
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
or most importantly her wedding?These are things that must be weighed.
Most importantly her wedding? A big flashy wedding is not more important than honesty and most importantly a serious and honest attitude to marriage.
A marriage is more important than a wedding.
I wish I could "like" this post a thousand times over...
Set aside a time to answer your husbands question fully. Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse make a list of questions that he wants to have answered. Answer them truthfully and never speak about the affair again, but rather recover the marriage to be better than before the affair if your husband wants to reconcile.
Ask him to post here and we will help you to have a marriage where you are so in love with each other, that the affair will be a vague memory.
Going to ask H if he'll come here to this site?
Good!
You have taken the most difficult step. Now be radically honest. It will serve you well.
Congratulations on taking the best step you could have possibly taken.
It's 1:30 am and after having my husband read the letter there I sat in my room like a little girl awaiting her spanking much like my childhood. My husband unequivocally denied that his daughter wasn't his after all isn't plain fully obvious that she resembles his grand father. DNA testing is totally out of the question and this can never be mentioned to her. As for his bf he wants nothing more to do with him however he wants answers like why did the affair happen?
There is only one answer to this. Learn it and repeat it if necessary, because some betrayed spouses get stuck asking "why?" over and over again.
"It's the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I wasn't thinking about you at all and I spent time with OM and enjoyed it so much I fell in love with him. I should never have spent any time with him at all, and I will never do that again with any man but you."
Good job, hopeless.
Invite your husband here.
Buy Surviving an Affair.
You can get it on amazon.com and download it today.
Good job, hopeless. You did the right thing.
Well look at you go. You've come a long way in just a few days.
Going to ask H if he'll come here to this site?
WOW!!!! I will tell you that when I read this thread yesterday, I was so upset, and felt so much pain for your husband, but now I am so happy that you had the guts to do the right thing. The Truth is a beautiful and powerful thing. The old saying �The Truth will set you Free�, is absolutely true. Can you imagine carrying this burden for the rest of your life, with the OM holding this over your head as a constant threat??? You now have the power to fix this, and create a wonderful marriage, that will be the best environment for your daughter to grow and thrive in. I am so proud of you, and even though your husband is in a world of hurt right now, he is very lucky. There are so many BS�s on here that would do anything to know the truth.
Just remember that lies and secrecy are what created this mess. The truth opens everything up to the light, where they can begin to heal and recover. Do everything that you can to make sure that this will never happen again. Follow the advice of everyone on this site, and you and your husband have a very good chance at recovering from this.
Going to ask H if he'll come here to this site?
Good job, hopeless. Please invite him here and tell him there is a forum of people here to help him and his marriage.
Whatever you do, don't give into the temptation to gloss over your answers to the questions because that will make it much worse. You won't be sparing his feelings, you will be raising his SUSPICIONS when things don't make sense. And you will pay dearly because he will just keep asking and asking when things don't add up.
Will he agree to one session of questions and answers? Because recovery of your marriage is contingent upon a) answering all of his questions fully and truthfully and b) never bringing it up again. If it is brought up again and again, it will destroy your marriage and make you BOTH miserable.
If he is willing to do a question and answer session, you could always consider involving a Marriage Builder Coach in the process or before the process.
Have you written a NC Letter to OM and have your BH send it yet?
BH left me today w/out explanation the only reason perhaps are the pics of women almost half his age on the computer. To answer your question yes he did send it to om of course he knew there was no need to. Two things that I am sure of BH will buy himself a younger woman griping to her about me and she'll listen to him.
BH will buy himself a younger woman griping to her about me and she'll listen to him.
Unfortunately that is the rubbish kind of intimate conversation affairs are based on. Funny how people think looks and money are the drivers when really its all about talking. He doesn't get to subject you to a revenge affair nor does he get to punish you like this.
Even if he leaves he is still married until a divorce is finalized. You don't have to forgive any affairs just because youve had one and are within your rights to divorce for adultery or to keep him out of the family home if he embarks on adultery.
What are these pictures and are they recent? He won't do himself any favours by becoming wayward himself - as you know it's a miserable existence.
However i think it's just a low point on the roller coaster we all went through first few days. Unfortunately he's reacted poorly and lashed out by leaving these pictures - it's to worry you just like the description of cheating on his thread was to worry you. This is pretty abusive towards you and not acceptable.
If he is going to start punishing you it probably is better to have him out of the house. I would not start recovery with him until he commits to a plan where he is not going to punish you.
Hopeless, perhaps you could tell us whether anything on that checklist got done? Exposure is the most important thing because usually it provides the betrayed spouse with comfort and support. It also prevents any need to punish the wayward spouse because it is so embarrassing for them and such a task to regain their reputation - however people just want assurances, not to punish.
If the two of you had some eyes on your recovery it would also prevent him doing something dumb. I can't see that five minutes with a bimbo would be worth the immediate loss of his reputation straight afterwards, since you yourself would need to expose him were he to have an affair.
When you expose your affair you dont have to reveal your daughter's parentage (which you don't know anyway) you would just tell close friends and family you had an affair with om, ended it, confessed but your BH needs help and support. I don't suggest you do this without him, but it is a key part of recovery the two of you will need to do. OM certainly needs to be exposed to his folks and friends since he likely makes a habit of this with married women.
If your husband's mood on the roller coaster changes again and wants to come home, I would get cracking on exposure straight away. You can't solve this without a village and without public accountability he feels very unsafe and is too tempted to be your sole consequence - he is too tempted to punish you.
Patience and humour sweetie. There is a plan.
11:30 am lawyer calls me to say that he is a divorce lawyer representing H who is filing for divorce and is seeking for a quick resolution. Entered a pic of the main girl on his computer and did an image and found her, she was born in 96 thick long hair down to her waiste she looks tall too. Found her on Instagram with a pic of both of them in casino in Las Vegas, yeah makes sense since last month he flew to Vegas for a seminar. If I'm a 10 than she's an 11.
Question?
Do you still want to attempt to save your marriage?
If so, then gathering evidence and doing an exposure of his seeming affair would probably be the next step.
Now, for information purposes.....
How do you trace and identify a person from an image or photo?
LTL
https://www.tineye.com Of course I want us to stay together but the lawyer requested that I don't contact any of his friends, family or work. Pretty sure the new one is keeping him all occupied and thinking of her. looks like a she could be a body double for Leelee Sobieski IMHO. Any advice.
Great tip on tineye, very cool idea.
His lawyer is not your friend, or a friend of your marriage. The lawyer's job is to get the divorce with as little damage as possible and the fact that he's steering you away from contacting your H's social circle is very suspicious.
It's not illegal or wrong to talk to any of those people if your husband is actively cheating, and the lawyer certainly doesn't want adultery to complicate his client's case against you.
Something here doesn't add up. I agree with LTL's advice above.
Of course I want us to stay together but the lawyer requested that I don't contact any of his friends, family or work. .
You don't need to contact work unless it's a workplace affair.
There is no law against telling the truth and seeking the support of family and friends no matter what a lawyer requests.
There's no way to get someone back from the addiction and shame of adultery without exposure. You know yourself it was only the threat of exposure from OM gave you your wake up call.
If you want him back, or even want him to just be a decent dad I would expose and hope he has what it takes to respond to people's concerns. He's not going to make her any kind of role model for her future husband catting around with skanks. Some of the things he has said on here about buying women from poor countries are deeply disturbing.
I would snoop in whatever way you can for evidence of an affair so as to expose.
If you still have the home computer he used, I would seek having someone do a forensic analysis of it and retrieve any information they suggest could be discovered that is hiding in the limbo trash, but not erased files on the hard drive.
LTL
He'd have to change jobs since it seems to be the fad swapping wives for teenie boppers. H boss left the wife for a woman from a poor country 23 younger there have been a few others at his work that have done the same. Suggestibility is a problem for H. Can't think of a reason he should stay in a corrupting environment where women are valued for their age. You are who your friends are, sincerely I love him and am repented for what I did. But how do I get him to contact me/MB?
But how do I get him to contact me/MB?
Exposure!!!
LTL
Hmmm H doesn't have any friends and his mother would only rejoice, doesn't go to church. The only place is his job... Can I expose him to his place of work?
Yahoo, have you been dating someone else?
LTL
Plus, please use your own topic thread to make responses on.
LTL
Well I don't have friends like that better to be around positive influences.
So, Yahoo, you have been having an affair.
Met a woman of substance and strong character who shares much of the same interests as me. Becos of proximity between us our conversations are strictly platonic and over the wire. She's a beautiful thing both exterior and interior makes me wanna be a better man and show some class you follow me. I can't get no satisfaction at home last year I asked my wife if she could put a family picture together and I got nothing where's the picture in my back pocket? My sister sent a family picture neighbour next door sent me a family picture. Maybe I think I'm more important than I really am, don't wanna feel sorry myself but it's the truth for Christmas I got no family photos. That being said as I talk to the new lady I laugh all day it's a beautiful thing.
Met a woman of substance and strong character who shares much of the same interests as me. Becos of proximity between us our conversations are strictly platonic and over the wire. She's a beautiful thing both exterior and interior makes me wanna be a better man and show some class you follow me.
A "woman" who trifles with a married man is not a woman of substance and strong character. Her substance is garbage because no decent woman carries on with a married man. All you are doing is showing yourself to be a person of bad character and setting yourself up for more affairs in your future by hanging out with a woman who has no respect for marriage.
You clearly are not thinking clearly and are making a fool of yourself.
You have every right to get divorced. Go for it. But don't act like a fool on your way out.
Met a woman of substance and strong character who shares much of the same interests as me. Becos of proximity between us our conversations are strictly platonic and over the wire. She's a beautiful thing both exterior and interior makes me wanna be a better man and show some class you follow me. I can't get no satisfaction at home last year I asked my wife if she could put a family picture together and I got nothing where's the picture in my back pocket? My sister sent a family picture neighbour next door sent me a family picture. Maybe I think I'm more important than I really am, don't wanna feel sorry myself but it's the truth for Christmas I got no family photos. That being said as I talk to the new lady I laugh all day it's a beautiful thing.
Good luck with her. You'll need it.
He'd have to change jobs since it seems to be the fad swapping wives for teenie boppers. H boss left the wife for a woman from a poor country 23 younger there have been a few others at his work that have done the same. Suggestibility is a problem for H. Can't think of a reason he should stay in a corrupting environment where women are valued for their age. You are who your friends are, sincerely I love him and am repented for what I did. But how do I get him to contact me/MB?
So all his friends are like this?
Sometimes the truth sets us free in surprising ways.....
Trifling my marriage where did that come up from all the girl does is phone me askingfor advice- what colleges and universities to attend, how to fix a computer etc. at home it's nothing but complain complain then out to the bar with her girlfriends I get no respect in my own home. Now my wife wants me to give up someone who seeks and appreciates my help. come off your high horse a minute listen to me for a second. Let me tell you something my mother told me to get away from my wife before we married and I disrespected mom by getting married to W this I admit to. Gotta tell you mother says that she's been hearing good things about this new girl and moms way counts! You understand! This girl won me and I'm not going to give her up so there's your answer.
You were brave to tell him the truth when you were afraid, but after reading his posts, I don't think you have much there with him that's worth the trouble of trying to save.
tl
Trifling my marriage where did that come up from all the girl does is phone me askingfor advice- what colleges and universities to attend, how to fix a computer etc. at home it's nothing but complain complain then out to the bar with her girlfriends I get no respect in my own home. Now my wife wants me to give up someone who seeks and appreciates my help. come off your high horse a minute listen to me for a second. Let me tell you something my mother told me to get away from my wife before we married and I disrespected mom by getting married to W this I admit to. Gotta tell you mother says that she's been hearing good things about this new girl and moms way counts! You understand! This girl won me and I'm not going to give her up so there's your answer.
A "woman of character" does not develop relationships with married men.
No one here is going to support you in your new relationship, so what did you need from us? We can either help you get divorced or help you stay married, but this not the right place to explore new relationships while you are MARRIED.
What do you need from us?
You were brave to tell him the truth when you were afraid, but after reading his posts, I don't think you have much there with him that's worth the trouble of trying to save.
tl
AGREE
This thread has become a distraction from the mission of this forum. We are locking the thread until we hear from the thread starter.