You are missing the point. Having this creep hanging around is like inviting your husband's rapist to his home. Only, your husband doesn't know that you and OM have betrayed him behind his back.

So when will you be telling your husband?

You don't have time. It is quite simply amazing you haven't been caught already. The only thing a wayward spouse can offer a betrayed spouse is frank, unselfish honesty and you have already frittered away too many daily chances to do so - now the wolf is at your door.

You don't need to 'work out' details you need to blunt and fast and not worry about how this will affect YOU or your daughter's wedding.

"Sweetheart there is no easy way to say this. I had an affair with your best friend and he may be our daughters father. I have been too chicken and selfish to tell you this and truthfully I am only telling you now because he is blackmailing me.

"I love you and will do anything to regain your trust but I do not expect anything from you if that is expecting too much".

If he does want to recover send him here where he will see many examples of people who have done so and thrived. Most important of all is running off OM and making sure he never gets proof of paternity or admission to your home ever again.

I think, if he were to choose recovery, you would be on the same page on that score.

I'm having a hard time understanding this story - any of it.

What happened after you found out you were pregnant? Did you tell OM the baby might be his? When did you do that - when you were first pregnant? And more importantly, WHY did you do that??

If you didn't tell him, how did he come to think that the baby is his?

Why did he go along with your plan never to tell your husband? What was in it for him? Was he planning to see your daughter secretly, whenever he visited? Why would he do that, and agree to keep your secret? Why not just claim his daughter?

And then this:

How would it be possible to share access to a child that your husband thinks is his, without telling your husband? How would OM have proper visitation rights? How would he be able to take the child out for the day, under a "shared access" arrangement, without telling your husband anything about the girl's supposed paternity?

Inorder to save our marriage I am going to right my H a letter and give it to him tonite!

This is the only chance your marriage has to survive.

What are you going to tell him?

Hopeless,

I (and others) are trying to put you inside your husband's head for just a little while, based on first-hand experience. You should value this because it's information that you cannot get on your own.

All of your reasonings and rationalizations about why this or that would be better or kinder don't at all speak to what your husband is going through and how he will feel once he finds out.

But what we are telling you does. It speaks exactly to how he will feel WHEN (not even going to say IF) he finds out.

The longer you delay this the more gunpowder you pour into a BOMB, and if you let someone else tell your husband you do not shield him at all from it, it will hit him much harder than it would if you are the one that comes clean with him.


None of this is about whether you continue with the OM or not. The damage here with OM is already done and his days of being anywhere near your husband are already counting down. What we're trying to help you with is giving you the best shot not to end up with a burned bridge as well.

Like others have said, the lies will hurt him worse than the affair. I can vouch for that, I've been there. You can either put an end to the lies or give your husband the (very credible) fear that they will continue.

Thats great! What do you plan on telling him?

I have no idea. he got one chance to be brutally honest when I found out and when he continued to deny the affair, I kicked him out. I have a better life now.

I could have lived with the past affair but not ongoing lies. This is what I am warning you about. The image of his face when he told some small, affair related lie, is far more painful than the idea of the sex. That, of course, was addiction. The lies were a cold blooded choice and a patronising one at that.

To any betrayed spouse, the lies are the worst bit.

And the fact youre not sleeping with him makes no difference at all. He is still in your home. Still interfering in his friends marriage. He has an intimate secret with his wife. That's so much worse than sex to a BS.

Even now, today, if I were to see OW in a crowded place I would feel physically ill. Even though I am more in love today than I was in the love she took. She bullied me as no one else did and made me a fool.

However my enemy is exposed and gone. Not speaking up means you still let your husband's enemy in through the back door to stab him unawares.

It doesn't take sex to do that. Just secrets.

Amazing news - just hold your nerve.

After the pregnancy test came out positive I had a panic attack it wasn't my intention to get pregnant. Om thought it was halirious and good that he had potentially impregnated me, he knew that H and I weren't having frequent sex maybe a couple of times. Further more he was a looser and broke while I had made a mistake om had no way of supporting us eventhough he wanted to continue having the relationship. The only contact we shared afterwards was his constant innuendos at our home about how the child didn't resemble H this was said most behind the back of H. An example was when we went to the lake together and when my husband took our daughter to the washroom he told me that he was sure that he sired the daughter. HOWEVER there wasn't any further physical intimacy between US.

What are you going to tell your husband?

Going to tell him about the affair not rocket science! How it started, why, who, the fact that I was verbally abused as well as alienated led me down a path that I wish I hadn't taken. It's going to take courage more than what I've got so the best way is to write him a letter detailing everything. Think I'll need a pritzer just to calm down, since I'm already panicky!!!

Just can't wait to hear his mother's valuable insight... Ttys

If you are concerned about him getting angry at you and divorcing you, I would STRONGLY advise you to leave out any such justifications for your actions. They will be like little daggers stabbing him in whichever corners of his heart still have empathy or feelings for you. They will crush him.

Just keep it to "I did this at this time with this person, and I think our daughter might be his".

The fact that he was not meeting your needs is important because it means he neglected you, but it does not have anything to do with why you had an affair and now is not the time to talk about it.

I filed for divorce in my situation. Every time I think of my wife blaming me/my actions for her affair I feel reassured about having divorced her. Food for thought.

Please don't say that. Verbal abuse can cause a lack of love, warning of an impending separation or it could lead you 'down the path' of a request to stop the verbal abuse. It had nothing to do with a decision to add a whole lotta worse to the situation with his bf.

The relationship likely started with a foolish decision to trust and confide in the loser. Taking responsibility instead of deflecting blame will make this go so much smoother.

Your husband will be looking for honesty and ability to accept responsibility. These things are your only shot.

It will also communicate a serious lack of humility to him at a moment when humility and acceptance of responsibility are your greatest allies in convincing him that this was a one-time mistake and not a secret lifestyle that you have been hiding from him.

One of the first things nearly every BS thinks after discovery is "was this the only time?"

If you speak to him with humility it will go a great distance to reassure him that there aren't other affairs he doesn't know about.

You need to eliminate all the girly excuses in that paragraph. Don't you dare blame him for your affair. It will prove to him that you have no remorse. You can grow some balls and take 100% accountability for your affair and years of lies.

You want any hope of forgiveness? Then you had better take my advice and man up. NO EXCUSES OR BLAMESHIFTING.

You want forgiveness? Then demonstrate some damn remorse! When someone is truly sorry they don't recite the wrongdoing of others.

Women CAN be accountable.

We have a plan here for you to address and eliminate verbal abuse in your marriage, but first you need to tell your husband the truth and make it impossible for the OM to ever contact you again.

There's something you really need to understand. This is absolutely 100% going to blow up in your face. That is undeniably inevitable. Your hubby is going to find out. When he does, the longer you kept it from him, the worse it's going to be. The only chance you have at softening this blow any at all and even remotely saving your marriage is to come clean before you get busted. Remember what everyone says about jailhouse conversions to Christianity? Sure, it's easy to repent once you get caught. Don't be like them. Make a vow to yourself from this day forward you will do the right thing and you might save yourself. Start by confessing before you're caught. After will be far too late.

If you can't make it through a confession to him without losing it then carefully consider everything you want to say and write him a letter. Then sit him down when you're alone and give him the letter. Humble yourself. Any show of foolish pride on your part and you're probably doomed.