Don't make excuses. Keep it simple.

I did this.

I'm terribly sorry.

I will do what I can to make the future better.

It's 1:30 am and after having my husband read the letter there I sat in my room like a little girl awaiting her spanking much like my childhood. My husband unequivocally denied that his daughter wasn't his after all isn't plain fully obvious that she resembles his grand father. DNA testing is totally out of the question and this can never be mentioned to her. As for his bf he wants nothing more to do with him however he wants answers like why did the affair happen? H wants a chronological series of events that led to the affair. Questions like did I enjoy having sex with om more than with him? Is om more attractive? Why would I sleep with a super loser? Was any of his money allocated for the affair I.e dining?

Did we have sex in our bed? Did I suggest a condom before having sex with om was it my intention to be impreganted? What was the sexual frequency and were we ever engaged in it while talking to H over the phone? Do I still have feelings for om and if not then why not? Did om use the car during the liaison? Were we plotting to run away together with H money? Who else knew of the affair and why didn't I tell anyone else about it.

What if he had an affair what would you do about it? Can I trust you when obviously I can't trust myself? Why didn't I at least take birth control? stds? What if I had AIDS and now had given it to him? No I don't have an std or AIDS! All these questions are nauseating, what more should I tell him?

He sounds like he is still in shock. Just be as gentle and loving as possible.

It sounds a lot like the two of you are about to embark on recovery, free from the grip of the worst best friend ever - congratulations.

[quote=Dr. Harley]
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts c[/url]


Give him any information you can. Give him any correspondence you still have. Once he has all the facts he may want to do certain things, like get rid of your bed, but don't try to protect him from certain facts. A betrayed spouse knows what they want to know and what they don't - for example he knows he doesn't want a DNA test.

As for questions regarding your feelings during the A, I'm sure that addiction and obsession is hard to describe. It would help a lot if he were to come here where he could see many people have experienced that and came through the other side.

All of his questions are really normal, btw. I'm a trained investagtive reporter so I found out a lot of the info for myself, but most spouses want to know where sex happened and how much marital funds was used and about protection.

People in affairs spend money like water and hardly ever use protection - part of the affair mind set I guess - so it's standard advice here for spouses to get STD tested. Of course he is worried about that - wouldn't you be?

Oh and I would severely stomp down on the temptation to make any woe is me pity parties about feeling like a spanked little girl. It sounds callous when you consider that your husband is getting to grips with his life being a lie. If you feel guilty, simply say you feel guilty.

Telling him now was the best thing to do. As for your next steps, buy the book "Surviving an affair" asap. Follow the plan.

hopeless,

you do not have much choice here. Damocles sword is already hovering over you. Your choice is not if you should tell him, the choice is to tell him yourself, or have your revengeful affair partner do it in a far far worse way.
You can overcome this, but your husband will be very hurt and you will have to be the best person you can be and have the best marriage to make it up to him. If the child is not his, biologically, this will stand in between you.

By the way, if you do want to save your marriage, you are better off telling the affair partner the child is your husbands and running him off. No way you are going to have any kind of good relationship with your husband if you are sneaking to talk with former affair partner behind his back. This man should be out of your future. You will never recover with him still in the picture.

Dr. Harley reccomends no contact with the affair partner, even if the child is his, unless it is mandated by court, in which case he recommends that the OM pays child support.

P.S.
You don't know for sure if the child is not your husband's. You will find out together by doing a paternity test.

Good job telling him. Get the book Surviving an Affair. Follow the plan to the letter.

Your husband is shell-shocked. Give him Radical Honesty, Dr Harley's recommendation.

If he doesn't want a DNA test, he makes the choice. Most US states have laws making the husband the legal father unless he declares and proves otherwise. Depending on your state, the OM likely has no recourse.

You were likely tested for STDs during the pregnancy. Get those records, show them to your H. Then offer to re-test of he wants.

Please invite your husband here to talk with us. We have used Dr. Harley's program to build great marriages from the ashes of an affair. We can help him work through the shock and get back on his feet.

Congratulations on taking the first important step.

Link to things you need to read and radio shows to listen:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445081#Post2445081

Dr. Harley on affair-child:

I wish I could "like" this post a thousand times over...

Set aside a time to answer your husbands question fully. Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse make a list of questions that he wants to have answered. Answer them truthfully and never speak about the affair again, but rather recover the marriage to be better than before the affair if your husband wants to reconcile.

Ask him to post here and we will help you to have a marriage where you are so in love with each other, that the affair will be a vague memory.

Going to ask H if he'll come here to this site?

Good!

You have taken the most difficult step. Now be radically honest. It will serve you well.

Congratulations on taking the best step you could have possibly taken.


There is only one answer to this. Learn it and repeat it if necessary, because some betrayed spouses get stuck asking "why?" over and over again.

"It's the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I wasn't thinking about you at all and I spent time with OM and enjoyed it so much I fell in love with him. I should never have spent any time with him at all, and I will never do that again with any man but you."

Good job, hopeless.
Invite your husband here.
Buy Surviving an Affair. You can get it on amazon.com and download it today.

Good job, hopeless. You did the right thing.

Well look at you go. You've come a long way in just a few days.

WOW!!!! I will tell you that when I read this thread yesterday, I was so upset, and felt so much pain for your husband, but now I am so happy that you had the guts to do the right thing. The Truth is a beautiful and powerful thing. The old saying �The Truth will set you Free�, is absolutely true. Can you imagine carrying this burden for the rest of your life, with the OM holding this over your head as a constant threat??? You now have the power to fix this, and create a wonderful marriage, that will be the best environment for your daughter to grow and thrive in. I am so proud of you, and even though your husband is in a world of hurt right now, he is very lucky. There are so many BS�s on here that would do anything to know the truth.

Just remember that lies and secrecy are what created this mess. The truth opens everything up to the light, where they can begin to heal and recover. Do everything that you can to make sure that this will never happen again. Follow the advice of everyone on this site, and you and your husband have a very good chance at recovering from this.

Good job, hopeless. Please invite him here and tell him there is a forum of people here to help him and his marriage.