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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/14/15 02:51 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do. X2 My wayward threatened till the cows came home. I eventually filed because he would not end his affair, but I didn't discuss it with him. I just did it.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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penumbra,
You mentioned this being difficult and not being optimistic about the outcome. Have you got a prescription for ADs yet?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do. Thank you Indiegirl, I'm hoping you are right since this keeps me going! I also thought the same, and I'm hoping it's because deep down perhaps there is a small glimmer of hope that she wants to give our marriage a chance. She just won't say it 
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penumbra,
You mentioned this being difficult and not being optimistic about the outcome. Have you got a prescription for ADs yet? I went to talk to my doctor and he said he sees a man that's going through hardship, but not depressed. He's monitoring me, but he doesn't think I need it (yet). I appreciate you good intentions since the AD will probably no doubt allow me to execute MB plans much butter, but I also just want to be me. And for my wayward to see what I can become, being so much better, but not flawless. I have and will always have feelings, and if I can't control them now, then it wouldn't be fair to invite my WAW to give it another shot for the future.
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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do. X2 My wayward threatened till the cows came home. I eventually filed because he would not end his affair, but I didn't discuss it with him. I just did it. do you think it's possible my WAW wants me to file, and that's her plan? Perhaps she can't stand the idea that she'd be the one to initiate a legal divorce. That crossed my mind that maybe she wants me to be the "bad guy" for future documentation purposes for our son, in case he become blameful about being in a divorced family.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do. Thank you Indiegirl, I'm hoping you are right since this keeps me going! I also thought the same, and I'm hoping it's because deep down perhaps there is a small glimmer of hope that she wants to give our marriage a chance. She just won't say it No I wouldn't go that far either. A waywards head is full of packing foam. Essentially what she wants is to keep all options open without having to make any hard decisions or face hard consequences. But most important is that she is the most popular cheerleader in school and all the guys are happy to be doormats as she tramples away. This involves you panting with gratitude as she asks you for the impossible - create a divorce situation that doesn't impact her finances. Even if you did agree to that she probably wouldn't see it through. Paperwork is hard. When the A ends she might have time/space for serious thought. That's the woman your actions now will impress. Until then it's all moment-to-moment feel good teenagery impulses.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/14/15 02:26 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1
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penumbra,
Just passing along what Dr. Harley advises men in your situation to do on ADs. It's more about giving the greatest likelihood of success as opposed to a matter of empathy.
Keep up a solid Plan A and focus on eliminating lovebusters, but be thinking of a timeline in your head for how long you are willing to wait your wife out. Truly anything can happen but one of the possible outcomes of situations like this has occurred to many posters here where the withdrawn spouse keeps the engaged spouse in limbo like you are without filing D for years and years.
Knowing where the finish line is will help you to run this race much harder and avoid discouragement. Maybe be thinking of how long you can keep this up. Dr. Harley typically advises men to try for between 6 months and 2 years depending on what they can tolerate.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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A woman who needs a man's permission to divorce is not dead set. Just sayin.
I'd still be married now. I was so dead set I never had one conversation with him about it - you only need one visit to a lawyer! Talkers talk, doers do. X2 My wayward threatened till the cows came home. I eventually filed because he would not end his affair, but I didn't discuss it with him. I just did it. do you think it's possible my WAW wants me to file, and that's her plan? Perhaps she can't stand the idea that she'd be the one to initiate a legal divorce. That crossed my mind that maybe she wants me to be the "bad guy" for future documentation purposes for our son, in case he become blameful about being in a divorced family. No, she just wants to keep her options open (you being the fallback at the moment) and not face any consequences. Believe me, as a wayward, if she wanted to file, she would. She is not really thinking about the future at the moment--and if she is it is filled with false fantasies for her imaginary wonderful life with this creep. When it comes to filing for divorce and/or going into Plan B, believe me, NOBODY will blame you in the future if you go this route; not even your son. He should know that his mother had an affair. Even if she points at you and says, "quitter", it will be clear to everyone with half a brain that you had no choice if she did not end her affair and follow EPs.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Anyone can 'appear' changed for a few minutes a week, they key is going to be consistency. Keep saying the SAME thing all the time. Your goal, what you are working hard for, is to create the safe, loving marriage for your wife and son.
What kind of things did you do for her when you were dating? What did she respond to? Does she like receiving gifts, does she like you doing things for her, doe she like and want words of encouragement?
If YOUR therapist shares the practice with HER therapist, GTHO as soon as possible. We all know there's supposed to be confidentiality, but that seems like playing with fire.
Accountability software for your computer hasn't been mentioned recently, have you done that? Stopping the pornography is very important as well. Don't replace your wife with fake e-sex.
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