I compare this program to telling someone who wants to loose weight to limit the amount of calories, exercise, drink a lot of water, etc. Off course all that will work. I'm quite sure if we both followed this program, we would heal, but doing so is harder than what it sounds.

Many people might say its been 5 years, move one, recover or divorce. But it isn't time that heals obviously. Every time she does something wrong, like even not observing my shirt was stained, the affair topic comes to my head.

She rented her own apartment, and long story short, I got her to stay and cancel the agreement. I talked to her to see what she thinks of us retrying one more time. She answered something that left me thinking: Until when will you be retrying? I do see her emotionally drifting, so I know I have to stop bringing the affair up everytime she does something, but I don't know how to deal with this, most times it pops out without warning, GSR2 isn't helping.

This is the first time ever I hear it is good to repress your anger. GSR2 is helping with keeping calm, but isn't helping with the intruding thoughts. What else is there? I consciously know that one thing is unrelated to another, that present time there is no affair, that anger gets things worse, that it is me who controls my anger, etc, etc. I consciously got convinced of all that, but subconsciously, I guess I don't.

So:
1) How do I stop intrusive thoughts from popping each time she does something wrong? It doesn't pop when we peacefully "talk about it", but only when there is something going wrong.

2) How do I forgive her not just superficially, but from the heart?

3) What do I do if I accidentally mention the affair and she withdraws temporarily.

4) What do I do if I say a DJ and she looks at me, and says she wants to go and clean what is already clean, or play with our daughters. She tends to leave and cancel UA time. Meaning, we are getting less and less time. We have spent only 2 hours UA last week.

First, you need to change your thinking. Not noticing that there is a stain on your shirt is not inherently wrong. It may bother you, but it's not WRONG. Stop being judgmental.

This will not be possible until you eliminate your anger.

Don't accidentally mention the affair.

Don't say a DJ.

And don't expect UA when you keep abusing her.

Since you've had another AO, you need to move out. You told her you would.

A wife in withdrawal due to a husband's love busters is extremely common around here. In all cases, the procedure is the same. Eliminate the love busters, and persistently invite (but do not demand) your wife to spend time with you. In the meantime, engage in as much conversation with her as she will let you, and also be affectionate (but not obnoxiously so), express admiration, and invite her to spend time with you and the children.

You have to eliminate the love busters and wait for another chance and do all this while you wait for your other chance.

You have to be patient, not impatient.

I didn't have another AO. AO is different from DJ. I don't really need to take time off work to post to know I have to stop DJ. I am posting to know how. Just as GSR2 helps with AO, What helps with intrusive thoughts is my question? i In particular, it pops every time there is an event I dislike. I need to control my own thoughts. I am mot moving and if she moves out, I'm moving out with her where ever she goes, so that won't solve anything either. Controlling my thoughts is the key.

Here's a better question: do you think she will ever forgive you for being controlling and abusive? She doesn't have to, you know. It is her choice, just as it is your choice whether or not to forgive her.

Do you want her to forgive you? I would focus on that right now, because that is the current pressing issue that is causing problems in your relationship. Not the past - the present.

Not according to her, which is why she was moving out till you stopped her.

No, you need to control your mouth, not your thoughts. If a disrespectful thought comes to your head, simply don't express it.

The problem is the same as the problem with anger, and the GSR meter will help with both. The problem is impulse control and allowing your emotions control you. A thought comes to your head and you (like me) have no practice filtering it, so you say it. You need to learn (like me) to calm down and shut up.

You'll learn to control your behavior a long time before you learn to control your feelings. You'll never learn to control your feelings if you don't learn to control your behavior.

Calm down and shut up. It's actually easy, once you practice.

Calming down is the key. You need to get to a point that you can have those thoughts and not react in anger or frustration.

You don't need to control your thought in order to control your speech.

You can control your speech, can't you? You don't just tell your boss, or that policeman who warns you about speeding, or that thug on the street, what you think of them, do you?

Could you control your speech for a year if the rewards was $1million? I think you could.

You can. You just won't, because you know you can get away with it, because you can bully your wife around to staying with you again.

You have a very arrogant tone with posters who are trying to help you (see the underlined sentences above). You don't appear to take your problem of abusive behaviour seriously at all. It seems that you only post here to show your wife that you are "doing" MB - but you are not. "Doing" MB involves putting a zip on your mouth, and not uttering nasty comments to her.

Your marriage is your $1million, and you're about to lose it.

I am quite sure that like many husbands in this program, you'll have to do a lot of it alone at first because like most of us you've dug an insanely deep hole.

Put the shovel down and stop digging, PC; we all had to!

I have seen such a dramatic change in your wife since she first came here. She was desperate to save her marriage, and willing to do just about anything for you to make that happen.

Now, she's barely there. She's a shell of what she was. Your continued abuse has drained her to nothing.

If you want to keep her, then shut your mouth and control yourself.

I didn't bully wife to staying, I kindly and lovingly insisted, and I'm not abusing her, I am trying my hardest to create the perfect marriage, but I have years of habits to change and my wife's expectations have changed.
I have done a lot of progress in controlling my anger but changing habits isn't as easy as saying stop and I stop. I am already on antidepressant, still in pain from the past. While in the past she wouldn't tell me my DJ, as time went on, she did and wrote the long list of DJ I would read weekly, weeks later wrote half and said half put immidiately. Now, more weeks later, she isn't letting anything go by without saying it immidiately and cancelling our UA time. The stain shirt example happened way way way back, was only an example. No AO since running water, though she isn't letting any DJ go by without attempting to separate, cancelling dates and that is why I asked what happens if I say a DJ and she cancells our date. I don't think I am controlling at all now and actually she is the one in control COMPLETELY. Either I change or she leaves.
The solution is shut my mouth so I will and some issues about the affair I will start repressing again. And no, I don't post for her to see I am trying. She knows I am trying. I wanted to know as many posts back if there was an effective technique for DJ and Marko answered the GSR2 helps with time. Time is something I don't have because wife isn't letting one single thing go by without cancelling our date or retrieving. Shut my mouth up will have to be.

ProChoice, did you read my posts?

This is great, ProChoice! She is learning the program and putting it into practice. She is refusing to tolerate abusive behavior such as disrespectful judgments. That is just what you want. She's also informing you of them.

Perfect!

You will never recover as long as you keep telling yourself that.

Every DJ is abuse. Every AO is abuse. And she has every right to cancel any and all dates with you as long you continue this abuse. You don't get to abuse her, then expect her to want to be around you.

Nobody told you to repress anything. What did we tell you to do?

This is an angry outburst. Definitive proof you are still having them.

By that definition most if not all marriages have been abusive at some point.

Not talk about the affair = repress that. Note: Affair pops up each time I get frustruated from unrelated issues. Solution: stay calm and make new memories to replace the old ones, but I am not there yet. Struggling to get there.

Yes: control behavior then with time will come feelings. Got it. I do good most of the times. Its a few times I slip. Keep improving.

Yes.

Most marriages also fail.

You can't afford to do this ever. Overspending when you're bankrupt is not an option once, never mind a few times.

There is an assumption that she should be letting some DJs 'go by'. How on earth do you let disrespect go by? It's drowning her and if the way to take a breath is by not seeing you, that makes sense doesn't it? You are saying you can't prevent the disrespect and so the only option that leaves is to avoid being around it.

Besides which, it doesn't help you to be let off the hook and given endless time to unwind 'years of habits'. If she encouraged you to bring up angry opinions and her affair, you would remain stuck in anger and hardly likely to find any happiness there.

It's perfectly clear that these ARE angry outbursts too. You say that the thoughts and feelings are angry ones and she perceives the anger behind your statements. You don't have to be throwing chairs for it to be an outburst. All you have to do to subject your wife to an AO is be around her while feeling angry.

If you can't be cheerful and pleasant while speaking to her, get out of her way. If you have to separate to protect her, then do so. You have an overdrawn account here. Do whatever you can to ensure there are no more withdrawals.