In plan A i would not send such a letter. It is a love buster.

Yes, I surely did not send it. I will just leave it alone until court. I just think the court would appreciate me giving her the option to do the right thing before court. But there really is no way to word it that would be proper.

Your kids need stability. Your wayward has nothing to offer in that area, her life is a mess and she is also. Your kids will learn from whoever they have the most interaction with, unfortunately if it is your wayward they could learn some very bad habits/behaviors that will plague them for life.
Getting them out of that environment is the most important thing. Then they can feel safe and you can be the parent and stability they need.


You need to fight harder than anything you have ever fought for.
I agree dont send the email, the attorney needs to be full throttle.

Your letter establishes several good foundations though. It hits hard on the Best Interests Of The Children, it addresses the living conditions which may need to be reviewed by DHS, (Department Of Human Services), and it particularly Prays for proper relief from any agreement to prioritize the School Schedule.

Your attorney can dress things up a bit so it doesn't seem as if it came directly out of your mouth. It would be a practical advantage possibly for your Attorney to address with the Judge and your WW.

When your Attorney takes actions, that is Not you disrupting your Plan A.

LTL

Indeed LTL, that is my plan. To let the lawyer do what he needs to for our children.

We have a court date. October 14. A friend made a joke - at least we'll be together on our 11 year anniversary............

Its on your anniversary? Thats an irony

Indeed. Almost a kick in the face.

Email from wife this morning. Don't know why, but I didn't reply.

I want to say I'm sorry for hurting you and for my affairs. I'm sorry for mistreating you the last time we separated and got back together there is no excuse. I want you to be happy I really do, I don't hate you I don't want to. I don't want to be that person I want to be a good person. The relationship that I started with OM wasn't to get back or even with you. I wasn't honest with you about that relationship. Since we have separated it has been an emotional roller coaster things that I had forgotten that happened in my childhood that has left its scars, things from our relationship that has left its scars. I know I hurt you and I am sorry for that and I do carry guilt. I won't ask your forgiveness. I'm trying to forgive myself. I'm not some monster. I know that the best part of me is our children they make me a better person, I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a perfect mom but I am taking steps to being a better mom. I want to be happy and I am taking those steps to get there. I wasn't happy with you I didn't love you the way I should have. You've stopped begging me to come home and you should because you're not respecting yourself. I don't want to make things work with you. You have to move on in time on your own and I can't tell you to let go you have to be the one to make that choice. Holding on is hurting you though I can see it. You do have good and admirable parts about you. I can see you want to be a better dad you want our kids to have a better future than you did, so do I that's why I can't be with you because when we were together it didn't work and I realize that, is sad, is it hard to accept yes it is but it's the truth. We didn't work together and our relationship went on longer than it should have.

Fog babble.

I would send this response:

I love you and am willing to work with you to create a romantic marriage.

Jedi, i love it. . . but somehow it feels counter productive. what do you think that would do for/to her that would be .... positive - if anything?

billman,

I agree with the others that the email is typical fog babble but there are some pretty big concessions in there compared to what I see most WWs say on here and even what your wife herself was saying to you 6 or 9 months ago. Does your WW know you are taking her to court for custody yet? I am very surprised she is not angry.

This is just my $.02 but I think you are playing this about as well as possible. Your wife would not be saying what she said if you had been lovebusting her so your Plan A has been great.

I don't know enough to know if your legal actions regarding custody can be expedited but keep that up too.

I think this letter is still pretty manipulative. All of the complimenting of your intentions and her stated concern about your emotional well being is her trying to talk you into giving up and bowing out. It dovetails nicely with how she politely tries to crush you with the "you and I are finished, I can never go back to you, I have to find my own happiness" nonsense.

But it's very interesting that she is willing to admit to you that she feels guilty. I think she is having to try harder to justify her actions. When you first posted exchanges with her on here there was a lot of complaining about your behavior and blaming you for the affair.

I would just keep up a strong Plan A, and continue to pursue the custody battle. Sort of applying pressure from both ends.

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?

She may just see this as the beginning of the end and she sees this as an easy let down, hoping you won't fight her. My ex-wife sent me something similar (but much less conciliatory) about a month before I filed for divorce.

But she may also be seeing some light getting through the fog. She really tries hard here to justify her actions.

I don't know what you can do for her other than continue to be firm about what is truly important (like your kids) but continue to hold the door open to her and attempt to make lovebank deposits where possible.

As far as what to say, I certainly wouldn't let on in any way that you are anything but strong and still in love with her. She tries to paint you here as an object of her pity and I think she wants to be able to look down on you here and see you as "the past" or whatever. I would build on what Jedi said with some brief commentary about wanting to restore your family and provide your children with an example of a passionate, romantic marriage between their parents. You will always be the father of her children and OM can never offer that to her.

I filed for Fault divorce back in February, but I only did so as an advantage point if things got worse. I had/have no intentions of pursuing it. This email to me says "I am sorry I am hurting you, but I am not stopping. I do not think I am making the wrong choice and I believe what I am doing is the right thing." . . That's what I got from it.

I feel like any reply just feeds the babble, or is an argument (to her perspective). I like the idea of a reply along those lines, but I am afraid of what might do in terms of what I have been told. By that I mean, If she is "baiting" me to make sure she has a backup plan, my replying would only endorse it. I cannot know what she feels or believes, only what I can speculate.

I asked a psychologist I have been speaking to to break this down, it was said she is emotionally conflicted and playing on my emotions. She states an emotional roller coaster - if she is doing this by choice, she shouldn't have ever been on one. She admits her relationship as a lie - so she may well now concede it is an affair (or at least was until her perspective made it 'real').

She specifically states 3 points he stated even confused him - the three of them together make a contradiction. One she recognizes changes (for the better) in me and my lack of 'begging and pleading', two she wants my forgiveness yet clearly states we will never get back together (almost harshly), three when she said it is hard to accept, he says for her or for me......

I don't want to read into it, I want to believe that there is a conflict going on inside her heart - and she is justifying all she can to tell herself she is doing the right thing, but is loosing that battle slowly. I have been waiting for an indicator of this, and i fear making mistakes - and I cannot be sure any reply (deposit or not) would be the best thing.

The psych said no reply will not make a withdrawal, and may also provide a curiousness for her on why I didn't jump like I use to.

Our court date is not movable based on my lawyer, I told him about their schooling and it's importance, but that was the first date avail. (Do i tell her happy anniversary lol).

Yes she knows about the custody, when my lawyer filed the show cause, she sent me an email:

"I noticed that you filed me for contempt. You trying to take the kids from me. Daughter said that you told them that being bad for me wasn't working and that you don't like being mean cause it makes you feel bad inside.....yeah. So had me watch the kids so you could go to your lawyer. Id rather have you be a a@@hole than to fake being nice."

To sum that up: I offered her to have our children during one of my days for a few hours - I got dressed up spiffy, dropped them off to her, went home and took a nap. I had arranged this with my lawyer nearly a month prior.

Her response is definitely fog babble, but it's mellowing in tone. I think that's a good sign. Her affair may be crumbling.

God let's hope nmwb77.

I haven't been around here near long enough to have insight into fog babble, but I am familiar with a situation where a WW similarly became less and less hostile until finally she was willing to give the marriage a shot. I don't know what happened after that, but at least the BH got a chance. I hope you do, too.

Thank you nmwb77.

the email is fog babble, started out as an apology, but quickly went to blaming and justifying

Could be to get you off your game, could be legit remorse. But you can't believe a word of it because she is still deep in her affair.

Jedi's response is spot on(nothing more).

I agree about babble. I do not believe it,at least not to a point it matters. I think she wants to believe it.

I am hesitant to reply tho. I'd half expect a "not happening" response.