If you are not talking about her affair, then what kind of empathy are you expecting? What exactly are you talking about when you discuss the "struggles of recovery."

What kind of extraordinary care are you providing her?

Most women I know, and most men as well, would find that kind of discussion to be very disrespectful, so when you talk like that, you are DEmotivating her rather than motivating her.

If you want your marriage to recover, you have to learn the skill of talking about the problems of the present without referring to the problems of the past. So if the problem is that she is not meeting your emotional needs, talk about that problem, but don't say that you need her to meet your emotional needs because she had an affair - any man would be disappointed to not have his emotional needs met, affair or not. Likewise if the problem is disrespect on her part, or independent behavior, or whatever else it might be.

And at the same time you have to make it reciprocal. In fact most men, betrayed or not, need to engage in a bit of "pump priming" to get the engine of marriage running. So be asking her about what emotional needs she has that you are not meeting. Ask her to tell you about times when you are demanding or disrespectful, or do something she is not enthusiastic about.

You're right to feel that way and I really feel for you, but the way you are going about this you are shooting yourself in the foot. These are the same struggles lots of couples have even if there is not an affair, and if there's something you need from your wife you need to isolate that issue and talk about it alone (and make it reciprocal as well). Otherwise it's like writing out your complaint for her and then coloring over it all with a black crayon, because the minute you start referencing the affair that is all she sees and she will never even see your complaint. (Even if you mention it obliquely, like by using the word "recovery.")


HHH is a very good one to listen to. To a great extent you have to lead the way for your wife. Get her to fall back in love with you by following the plan, and a great deal of your problems are going to vanish.

These are all very good suggestion and I have to learn how to live in the present more and less in the past. One of the comments Dr. Harley made when we were on MB Radio in February is that I must have sensed that my spouse did not have empathy for me.

My amygdala was on high alert after learning of the infidelity. It took three years for the depression to subside and I started returning to the energetic & imaginative person that I was in the past.

At that point I was looking for my spouse to take the lead on our recovery. Show me in no uncertain terms that she had learned from the mistakes of the past and was following the MB concepts and principles to protect our marriage.

When David Letterman was caught cheating on his wife, he came on the air and said " I have my work cut out for me".

To think that your spouse after 24.5 years of marriage is not acting on your behalf is mind boggling.

I started this post by talking about change. Asking your spouse to change for you. The reality is that each spouse must have a willingness to change for the other spouse. Listen to each others complaints, confirm your understanding of the complaint and work together to find a mutually agreeable solution to each complaint requires change.

This might not be empathy, but there has to be a willingness to change. A feeling of goodwill and wanting your spouse to win.

Based on HHH's suggestion, I will focus more on today. Follow the MB concepts and policies and when I feel that one of my needs are not being met, complain to my spouse about how it makes me feel.

I didn't develop the plan of care, I'm simply doing the patient teaching. The credit goes to Dr. Harley.

A lot of get help here for the OP.

I do not know how long ago your D day was. Or how long it took for the affair to end. Though to point out that recovery is a 2 to 5 year time frame. Recovery is not a fast process.

What I do know is that many WW's never show remorse after their affair was over or when they enter recovery, or even after recovery is done. Dr Harley has said that many WW's never show or admit remorse.

So to sit around waiting for the remorse train is going to leave you empty handed forever.

As to your in-laws they did not care about your WW cheating on you. They showed no empathy for you. Your WW was raised by these people and you expect your WW to so empathy to you? That's crazy.

Now, what is the problem with the in-laws house? Did they WW use that house to have her affair? Did they welcome the OM into their home during the affair. Did they allow the affair to happen in that house?

Depending on what your in-laws did during the affair could make me want to go from NC'ing that house to NC'ing the in-laws as well.

On Monday (8/31/15) - Hope joined the MB radio program to get insights from Dr. Harley regarding her husbands recent infidelity. One thing that Dr. Harley mentioned is that a wayward spouse is like a Heroine addict. He also mentioned that her husband should be more than willing to do what it takes to ease Hopes anxiety. He should be ready to leave his job, relocate, promise never to see the other person ever again, and on and on.

When your spouse is reluctant to make any changes it leaves you wondering if they are over their addiction. Are they providing you the extraordinary care? Or are they ready go back to their addiction.

Thank you for sharing your story - Hope and good luck!