Are you suggesting that he tell her this?

**EDIT**

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This is fantastic news, if true. Did she herself say that "it was not right by God"?

What have you been saying to each other in the "several hours of communication"? It's a very good sign that she wants to talk to you at length. Does she say anything about reconciling - even if to say she is not ready yet?

How do you respond when she tells you how she is feeling?

Yes. We talk of what can happen abundantly. I listen more than anything. She has recently allowed her faith to become important. And she was trying to do so with him.

She told me what really created her dilemma was that something was missing when his kids or our kids were not there (with them).

He is a back slider and she saw his words were not met with action. Yes she did say she needed to do right by God.

Much of this conversation is her pointing out who I have been to her in the past. Nit picks about what I do now. Occasionally mentioning something that he did well that I didn't do.

Due to the fact she is in mourning I am taking it.

"Nit picks"? How disrespectful.

You'd do well to take what she says very seriously.

I am taking it very seriously. My wording was only semantics.

No it wasn't. It demonstrated your attitude.

SugarCane is correct. A lovebuster does not have to be something where you're intentionally trying to hurt your spouse to be a lovebuster. It is simply anything that hurts your spouse, and SC has an outsiders perspective that is valuable to you right now. She's telling you that calling it nitpicking would be insulting to your wife.

What you may see as small potatoes might loom very large in your wife's eyes, and you have to defer to her perspective on the problems in order to make progress with her.

I am so excited for you billman, you have fought this battle hard and been very patient. Great job. This is a great opportunity and I think you have a great attitude about how to win her back.

Only thing I would caution you about is trying to connect the dots in her world. It seems like the husbands who come here with DJ problems often like to tell their wife's story (myself included) and speak her mind, and I've certainly learned from the female posters here that this drives women nuts (and also that we are often off the mark in our analysis!). I'd imagine you've got to be curious about what's going on inside her head, that part is natural, but I would be uber careful about voicing any of what's going through your mind on that subject. She may not even really understand what's going through her head right now.

I'd just focus exclusively on meeting her needs and avoiding lovebusters. Let her write out the narrative on what happened, why she did X or Y, how/why the affair ended, at a later date. It might drive you nuts trying to figure it out yourself and the more you think about it, the harder it will be not to say something about it.

Praying for you guys, excited for you.

Also agree with SC that theology as it pertains to the affair is a dangerous topic for you right now, like a lovebuster minefield. Not sure how you can talk about it right now without lovebusting your wife. Stay far away.

Thank you ax. If it helps I did not say anything to her about the "nit picking". I listened to her and I listened some more.

All of this is precious information and though I'm sure it's hard to hear, I would value it highly from here forward if I were you. She feels safe talking to you and you will have to continue to "take it" as it pertains to her complaints if you want her to continue to feel safe talking to you and eventually fall back in love with you.

That's just the program here. She has every right to complain about a bad behavior and you need that info in order to provide her extraordinary care as her husband. There's never a point where you get to dismiss her complaints, whether it's now or 5 years from now.

Once she gets on board with the program that's a two way street, BTW.

But you guys aren't anywhere near that point right now. You're still in the Plan A grind of things, which is hard.

She has ended the affair. No contact for two days, and an apparent headstrong decision that the affair with as wrong. She expressed willingness to attend Christian counseling with our church. She has not yet been able to commit to reconciliation, and states I am only seen as a friend and is unwilling to move in. There is also at the moment 0 remorse for my portion of the pain for the last year. I believe I understand these emotions (or lack of), to her with drawl and grief.

How do you know she ended the affair?

She has been as honest as I can believe. There is a modicum of mistrust, but I am guarding to be sure. She has shared more details than I ever wanted to know, has included me in the no contact. I called him and "Fireproofed" him.

She was honest about her prior regression about 2 weeks ago. The nasty details haunt me, and with that much disclosure - I can only surmise she is a sadistic person trying to hurt me - or there is a truth and a return of her moral compass. I prefer to believe in the latter.

She talks and acts like reconciliation, but verbally she says "I don't know whats going to happen", "I can't live with you", "I feel like I need to be alone", "I don't see myself with you", "Thoughts of intimacy with you makes me want to vomit", "I have no feelings for what you went through this year because I don't believe we ever loved each other".

The most amazing thing however is that she grasps the notion that I was abusive - I do not discredit that I was, and that her perspective matters more than mine. And she has said multiple times that she does not feel safe with me - her actions discount both of these: we went to church Sunday, walked the mall, went to lunch, and when returned home - we watched a movie and she slept in my be in her clothes and we made no contact. - she did say that was awkward and uncomfortable - but i have no doubt she felt safe even if unable to admit it or even acknowledge it. She stayed even longer after our kids went to school. (story is she stayed on the couch, too tired to drive).

What do you want to do?

She said last night she needed to be on her own to find herself, she doesn't know who she is. She says she has been using me for the past few weeks. She showed the first signs of genuine remorse yesterday and said she did not want to be come the person that walked all over me like when we got back together 5 years ago.

I want to wait and give her that time. I cannot force her to come home, nor would I want to. I was getting pushy and she felt controlled. I didn't realize it, I was excited and it showed to much.

Dear Misty 10/09/2015

I had a moment early this morning, I was sick to my stomach. Sick to admit what I could not. As it turns out I was more controlling than even I realized.
Ove the past 10 years, I did all I could to love you, I tried my hardest to make you happy, to keep our marriage going. All the while allowing my guilt and shame for what I did to you back then eat me alive. Unaware at the hell you lived inside your heart.
The other day you told me when we first started dating you were using me, that you didn�t even like me. That contradicts that you fell in love with me � I believe the latter, but your perspective is your own. You also told me just 2 days ago, that you weren�t even sure if you liked me now. And that�s what hit me this morning.
For ten years, I have been holding on to you, trying to convince you of a marriage that we never could attain. Regardless that my perspective still sees that as possible, I think I now understand that yours may be radically different.
I am questioning if we should be together at all. Perhaps I hold you back. After all for 10 years you have tried to run away from me, and all I do is draw you in my delusional world of a �happy life�. I held so tightly on that notion that you have love for me, and that you truly did want to be with me, I led myself to belief that it had to be that way � still ignoring the fact that you just keep running away.
I don�t believe you want to be with me, a part of me feels that you have been arguing with yourself trying to figure it out. And all I do is find ways to become a better me to keep you home. And all that does is make you question what you already had figured out. So you come back, unhappy, in charge, and the only answer is because you really just don�t want to be where I am. Even if these changes are right, and healthy for me � it all boils down to control. It almost feels that falling in love at all is just another form of control.
I got turned upside down this year, I tortured myself to find that inner me � the man I swore I was. I found strength and purpose, and of all things I thought impossible I found God. And I did all this because I knew it was the right thing to do - and hoped so greatly that you would appreciate that change and come home. I made these changes for me, and our children; and of course for you also. I would have done it without you just the same, whether you were here, died, or moved away. And I called this noble. And then realized � even becoming a better me, For God, our children, and you � was all for control.
I did the right thing, I did a noble deed, I found truth, I became a father, I learned how to become a good husband, a good man. And I thought, �Good job Bill, you did very well learning from your past, now hold onto hope that your marriage can be restored, by the glory of God�.

Then I realized, you do not want to be with me. And I am still controlling you.
I�m Sorry

If you haven't sent that, I'd encourage you not to send it. Think about it first. Don't send that unless you really mean it. You've been on here long enough to know she's still in the fog. If you've reached the end of your rope, that's understandable, but this letter isn't going to help you restore your marriage.