No, not a few times - daily. Put ALL of the parts of this program into practice in your marriage. The Dr. Harley program works and produces admiration in marriage. The Senator_H program does not produce admiration in marriage.

You have been here for years and you are still not getting what you want in your marriage. Why not try Marriage Builders, my friend?

The problem is NOT that you are not asking for admiration.

And for the 9+ shows that have aired since then?

You could have had 10+ free counseling sessions from Dr. Harley.

To continue the point about looking at emotional needs within the context of the whole marriage:

You have been asked before about the whole marriage, and you have been rather dismissive of our questions. It was pointed out by several people that the only favourable environment in which to get your needs met is in an environment of a romantic marriage. Spouses are willing and eager to meet each other's needs when they understanding that these needs exist and when they are in love with each other.

You were asked about how much time you spent giving your wife undivided attention and being romantic, and you replied,

"I make it a point to listen to my wife's ideas at least 15 Minutes per day."

and

"I try to be romantic about simple things. A quick caress, or loving look."

When it was pointed out that these efforts are nowhere near enough to build the feelings of love in your wife that would make her want to meet your needs, you replied,

"Actually, I feel there is enough love in the marriage, but the Love from my wife sometimes gets overlooked, as daily concerns increase and flow."

You completely dismissed our concern with whether YOUR WIFE feels that there is enough romantic love in the marriage - enough for her to want to meet your key emotional needs. You completely missed our point that "daily concerns" should come second to spending at least 15 hours a week out of the house alone together (no kids or friends), focusing on conversation, recreational companionship, and affection, and building towards sexual fulfilment at home. We were trying to get you to schedule those 15 hours so that they are never missed, and so that "daily concerns" never take precedence over building and maintaining romantic love for each other, which makes the meeting of other, non-intimate emotional needs, so much easier.

When we recommended that you try the online coaching course, because this would encourage you consider and respond to each other's concerns in a thorough, systematic manner, you replied,

"I will look into that. Thanks for the suggestion" - but there has been no indication that you have done anything about that. Have you talked to your wife about doing the online course, or the Home Study Course, from which you extracted the questionnaire that you cited?

And when we recommended that you that you listen to the (free) Marriage Builders radio show every single day, because listening to the radio show would teach you about the entire programme and how all the parts work together to build a romantic marriage, and would show you why a romantic marriage was the key to getting your needs met, you replied,

"Thanks for the suggestion. I have tuned in the radio a few times. Good Ideas."

But again, there is no indication that you have indeed listened regularly to the show and have begun to learn all the different elements that work together to create a romantic marriage, because you keep coming back here with this one, isolated issue, focusing on the specific words you want your wife to say to you.

I don't think you're going to get any further in your marriage until you start responding to the advice that you have been given here. You have been here for ten years, posting lists of admiring words, and it does not seem that you are using the Marriage Builders programme at all. No wonder you are not getting the marriage you desire. Do you think it is time to do something different now, and actually use Marriage Builders?

Wording of phrases may seem easy for you, and some other readers, because you have excellent word phrasing skills. My difficulty in phrasing requests may not be apparent, because I use big words. But emotionally, it is difficult for me to find the attitude and the words with which to ask for admiration.

My wife does fulfill many of my other emotional needs, so I would not say I have a serious marital problem. I am endeavoring to have a more joyful marriage.



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Here's a phrase I would like to remember to use more often, "Could we find a way to be more loving and joyful?"

Senator H, would you anser my questions?

Perhaps you could provide information on the symptoms for Aspergers disease, and how the disease might affect the patient's needs for Admiration? How would a person with Aspergers change his requests for admiration from a spouse?

I have spent time reading over Dr. Harley's books and articles, and continue to review his works. I am interested in discussing attitudes and phrases for seeking admiration from my wife. I don't envision Dr. Harley being able to even comprehend my disabilities and challenges.

I am trying to have phrases at the ready, when I feel that I deserve, or would enjoy, more approbation, so that I can avoid wording that could be interpreted as, or have the effect of, Love Busters.

I believe Dr. Harley is much more qualified than myself in maters of deserving, and receiving, Admiration. I see Dr. Harley as competent, self-confident, and quite uninterested in my weak ego. But people with strong self-confidence are welcome to make comments on this thread, of limited intention.


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I believe Dr Harley would also wonder why you have been a member on the board for 10 years and have yet to even try using his program. Instead you are making distracting, meaningless posts about your desire to wordsmith comments to your wife. That is not the goal of Marriage Builders.

But you don't have to take my word for it or make guesses about what Dr Harley would say. You can email him and find out on your own. I would be sure and inform him that you have been on his board for TEN YEARS and have never used his program but have been obsessed with wordsmithing.

An important part of MB is avoiding Love Busters. Many people are adroit, and don't have to think about avoiding Love Busters. Some are less adroit, but can easily find apologies to overcome a Love Buster, quickly.

For me, my ideas often occur to me, as criticizing others. So for me, wordsmithing is important to avoid Love Busters, and an important part of how I apply MB. Also, apologies are difficult for me, so I try to be constructive in my comments to others.




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Senator_H,

"obsessive interest in a particular subject" (words of admiration) and "good language skills, but use language in different ways" are a couple of examples the Autism Society of America uses to describe some of the symptoms of Asperger's Disorder. Not knowing you and seeing only what you post here on the forum, your written communication brought to mind these two symptoms of Asperger's. There is much information on-line about the disorder which you could browse. A medical professional such as a psychiatrist could diagnose the disorder. Again, Dr Harley is a professional who could assist and guide you if you would be willing to contact him.

Senator_H in this post to you today, I failed to include your quote in which you have asked Happyheart for information about Asperger's. Perhaps Happyheart can provide you with additional information in answer to your questions.

I think that Dr. Harley envisioned that different spouses would be interested in varying amounts of admiration, and other needs. Some spouses are interested in more Admiration, other less.

Board members and visitors will have various neuroses or mental illnesses, and will have differing levels desires for Admiration. Aspergers has been discontinued as a DSM category, although there is some dispute among those concerned with Autism, about the value of that class of symptoms.

Some of the spouses on the board will have challenging issues. Autism has a growing incidence rate, and some people have mild autism, and are highly functional. But the thread is not intended to analyze people who might ask for admiration. The thread is intended to help those of us who desire more approval and encouragement, to find cordial ways to ask. This thread is intended to invite all who might wish to ask for more Admiration, to participate.

The reason I started this thread was to explore timing, attitudes and words to request admiration.

Today I told a lady that I had sent her a "Brilliant" e-mail. She replied: "Really!" with an approving tone of voice.

So I received approbation, having indirectly asked for approval.

Encouragement is another form approval, implying that we can do better.

Much admiration can be expressed non-verbally.

How does admiration work in marriages that you feel are successful?


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Who is this women? In what context is this email sent?

But this site is about using the WHOLE program, not just the teeny tiny EN you like best. You don't use the program, so it won't work. Like leaving out the flour in a cake.

The ToS compell us to tell you that you aren't using this program properly. If we were to say 'carry on it doesn't matter about the HUGE gaping holes in your plan' the mods would delete our posts and advise us to learn the program!

You dont do UA time, you meet the needs of women who are not your wife. These behaviours are expressly forbidden by the program.

What 'this thread is' is a 'how to not follow MB' thread. We are going to either keep pointing this out or simply not posting.

But it would be dangerous beyond words for us to allow you through this thread to encourage newcomers to follow your example which is ANTI MB.

The woman is a supervisor of maybe 20 other people and is maybe 1000 miles away. I had talked to her once before, by phone, and it is difficult to reach her, personally, as other workers answer the phone. I had spoken to her once before, that particular occasion. Our companies were trying to iron out some language on a document. My idea was for some compromise language.

I do not plan to speak to the woman again, as our dispute is resolved. But I will try to remember the lesson I learned, that giving myself a compliment, gives my wife a chance to agree, and thereby give me encouragement and admiration.

The implication of questioning who "she" was, raises the idea of fidelity. Admiration from my wife is important, because I don't want to be susceptible to the influence of admiring words from other women. So it is not just for my ego, and personal productivity that I seek Admiration from my wife, but also in the interests of avoiding temptation.



Views: 2658

A number of subjects have been brought up on this thread, and I have tried to avoid carrying on discussions that are part of MarriageBuilders, but not in my immediate concern.

One of the topics brought up was Undivided Attention. Over the past few weeks, since the suggestion was made, I have been personally trying to give my wife more undivided attention, and my wife seems to respond positively to my arranging to give her more undivided attention.

Marriage Builders addresses a number of areas of marital problems. Hopefully, some marriages do not have ALL the problems addressed in various aspects of Marriage Builders. Many people can get help from many aspects of Marriage Builders. I am still focusing on Admiration, and lately on my wife's Admiration for my being a responsible citizen. But as other topics are brought up, I will gladly examine how I might apply other MB concepts to improve my marriage.

Is there some way you might see that Admiration can be enhanced in marriages?

Some people on this thread seem to be saying, indirectly, that Admiration should only be expressed voluntarily, without prompting. Perhaps I am misreading their intention. some people seem to resent the idea that I ask my wife for Admiration.




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Have you tallied the hours? What did you do during your UA time? It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20-25 to create. What emotional needs were met during that time?


Marriage Builders is a complete program that does not work piecemeal. For example, if you just meet one of your wife's EN's and are not in love, then the entire point of the program is missed. This is not a program that can be cherry picked.


Yes, if your wife is in love she will be more apt to admire you. Is she in love with you?


I believe folks are trying to tell you that asking for admiration with wordsmithing exercises is a waste of time. Haven't you been doing this for the 10 years you have been here?

Dr H goes to great lengths to stress this isn't the case at all. He talks about how you CANNOT cherry pick from this program.

ENs rely on PoJA. PoJA relies on PORH. ENs also rely on POUA and eliminating lovebusters. Lovebuster elimination relies on PoJA and PORH. And so on. It's a cycle and you can't miss any one of the links.

Telling your wife what to say would actually be telling her to NOT follow the PORH. You should be asking her how she actually feels - not telling her. It would be be way more productive to seek complaints, so you can meet her needs in a way she can admire.

Obviously she is more likely to admire the way you care for her, than what kind of citizen you are. Why on earth should she care more about your citizenry than about the way you resolve her complaints? If she was a bit strange, and super into your citizenhood, believe me, she would tell you without prompting.

It's a step by step program and cutting any of the corners leads to this kind of dishonest disaster. It's why Dr H wouldn't even accept couples for counselling unless they were willing to do it all - like UA time.

You are talking about needs meeting - but without PoJA. Without PoJA it doesn't work. It's just your wife parroting sentences instead of communicating real information. PoJA doesnt work without radical honesty.

RH would involve getting complaints from your wife - it's actually a lot more important to get complaints than admiration just like it's more important to get overdraft statements than 'look how much money I've got' statements. You should be encouraging complaints.

RH would mean identifing lovebusters - or complaints - this is more important than getting an EN met as one lovebuster can undo weeks of EN meeting.

And getting ENs met in a scatter-gun verbal way won't work.Dr H has never seen an example of a couple who had their needs met to a satisfing level without the 15 hours UA.

Have you read any of this stuff - how the program works in steps - or listened to Dr H at all in your time here?



It's not wrong, or something to resent - it's just plain old ineffective. When you tell your wife to say something - you know she's only repeating what you said. You know it's not an honest feeling of hers.

That will never ever meet anyone's admiration EN. ~ You need things to be done enthusiastically with PoJA to really hit that mark. Parroted lines wouldn't work. Even if it was done for hours.

I think it would be amazing to see you get more admiration from a doting wife. But you don't seem interested in mapping a real path there.

If you were familiar with this program, you'd know how to close your lovebank to others even if your wife were in a coma.

You prompted the woman to admire you which is a silly non-MB decision. Luckily the woman only replied in a very polite way to appease your prompt. However this won't always be the case if you keep hanging bait out there.

Women who are OW are only to happy to fake admiration.

We'd like to help you get the real thing from your wife.

I have recently become aware that my success in my marriage, parenting, and job, are related to my skills in finding ways to be congenial. I have not emphasized the skills of congeniality in my parenting strategies.

So I start this thread, as I try to work toward the goal of being more congenial myself, and in pointing out to others, how they could be more congenial. Also to advocate for the goal of congeniality.

Problem solving often means sacrificing congeniality for a time period. Recovering congeniality should become a goal, after problems are discussed, and resolved, or put off for future resolution.


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