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Originally Posted By: unwritten


NOTHING she does leads you to AOs. You alone are responsible for your AOs. All of us, everyone in the world, have people around us who do frustrating things, but we don't all have AO's.


Correct. We are all individually responsible for our actions. No one makes any of us do the things we do - we are all solely responsible for that. The real trick is being cool headed enough not to react.

However to say "Nothing she does leads yo to AO's" is so woefully an inadequate way to express your point of view in my opinion. Plenty of what she does leads to my REACTION. If she didnt cause an incident then there would be nothing for me to REACT to, would there. This is not a simple thing to deal with.

Originally Posted By: unwritten
You CHOOSE to have AO's to your girlfriend. Until you own that it is your choice and something you are choosing to do and can stop if you want to, you are just making excuses for this abusive behavior.


WRONG - very very WRONG. I would *NEVER* choose to have an AO to anyone. To me if someone *CHOSE* to have an AO then they are a looney tune.

Again, i feel the context here is important, which is why i went to the effort i did to put it all out there in the first place.

I ended up on the streets of London with 5 pennies in my pocket at rock bottom, with no support, anyone to turn to or anyone for comfort or help. I was on the other side of the world on the streets. I am not normally a homeless person. It was a situation i was forced into. Its stark to face that.

I really honestly believed i was going to prison that night. I could have not taken the case to court - but i stood up to these low life's who prey on the vulnerable. That exposed me to dealing with going through the whole uncomfortable process. I put myself "out there" because i believed what they did was wrong. So i stood up for what i believed. Part of that was standing outside a courthouse wet and cold and alone and with 5 pennies to my name waiting to be locked up. I could have chosen to just leave the UK and head back to my home country so as to avoid any possible prison time for working (yeah its obscene isn't it - an honest man can go to prison for simply working - i didn't turn to crime to get by - i did it the hard way, the honest way, yet i faced prison time for it - the world is messed up). But i didn't - i faced up to those scoundrels who prey on the vulnerable. Do you have any idea at all of how much courage that takes ? Does this stand for nothing in your eyes? Does this not imply that this man who acknowledges he has a problem with AO's has some sort of sense of principle?

My point is, having fought my way back from that, when someone so easily does things to jeopardize your lively hood, the same person who has told you they will never support you no matter what, then it causes intense distress within me. I am in a third world country - there is no one to go for help. She has categorically stated she will never support me if i ever end up not being able to support myself. No problem, i will never live off anyone anyway so while i think that's a harsh point of view and a bit uncaring, i accept it easily. So i work and work and work - you have no idea of how i have worked. The hours, the trips, the 7 day weeks, the driving, the miles behind me.....then she goes and does something that seems to lack basic common sense that could end the whole situation, and i am a "bad guy" because i have an AO over it......

In this situation the stakes are high (for me - no one else). There is a lot on the line. Get it wrong and i could end up on the streets again, starving. There is no one here to help me or support me. I have to go it alone, with my Defacto Wife at my side. If it fails then she is OK, she has a house she owns, comes from a wealthy family and has lots of family and support around her. She will just carry on. I don't know what i would do or what my next move would be. I don't have the luxury of getting unemployment benefits or going to a homeless shelter or even having access to a counselor.

I am on my own even though i am with her. Its how it is in reality and its definitely how i feel. Its been like that from day 1.

I am not over stating this or being a drama queen about it.

My guess is you never been through such an ordeal, so you cant even begin to understand my frame of reference to all this. You probably live in the western world, were you can obtain help of some sort if you fall on hard times. You most likely (but not always a given of course) can lean on your family, your mum/dad. Siblings are probably in the next suburb away, or the next state or on the other coast. They can most likely help you out while you get back on your feet if the worst comes to the worst. You most likely have no sense of struggling in a third world country where nothing is easy or simple or even just works most of the time.

Yet you pass the harshest criticisms without any inquiry.

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Originally Posted By: apples123
Wow, I don't see what's in the relationship for her if this is the way you behave. That was full of disrespect.


Hello apples,

Yes it was full of disrespect. Two wrongs never make a right.

I admit this, i accept it, i own the problem. Words can cut like a knife, so use them carefully.

Oh the benefit of hindsight.

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One thing i would like to mention before i get told i am a conceited so and so....

My name is not Ken. Superken has a meaning here where i live - its a sort of a satirical thing locally.

Just wanted to clear that up - i am not "Ken" or think in anyway i am "Super".


Last edited by superken; 10/13/15 01:52 AM.
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A little more......

I am not a drinker - there is no alcohol involved in this at all.

I am not a smoker.

I am not a gambler - well i did put a quarter through a slot machine when i was in Las Vegas years ago on a business trip to a convention - i just wanted to be able to say "i played the slots in Vegas" But this doesn't count i think......

I am not a womanizer - i am 100% loyal to my defacto wife and my 1st wife before that. Really. I dont look at other women, i dont pass comments about other women. I have never in my life inappropriately "touched" a woman, pinched a backside etc.

I dont get into arguments with her in the supermarket over lettuce. We dont squabble over petty little things. I dont try to "control" her. She does her thing when she wants, i do mine.

I dont feel insecure without her around. She is a partner not a mother.

I have never ever come home in a bad mood and taken it out on her. I have never gotten up grumpy in the morning and taken it out on her. I am not like that.

Again, context.

I hope we can start this conversation afresh.

I really would like to discuss the various issues with some who can offer some *constructive* critique.

Oh the irony....... here i am freely admitting how i have conducted myself with what i consider is verbal abuse, asking for some insight to get a better understanding of what i have done and how to fix it but receiving abuse instead.

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The pity party impresses no one.

You are responsible for your behavior. There is NO EXCUSE for an Angry outburst.

This is not a blog site. If you want to lament but not change, there are better places for you.

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If you want to win this woman, you have to be a man worth having. To back to square one. Best behavior at all times. Read Dr. Harley's books.

Further, there is no such thing as a defacto wife. If you want to create a stable home for your children, learn the skills it takes to be have a great marriage. And get married.

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Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on AO? We expect you to control your behavior. Not your feelings.

If you feel angry, you do not have to act on that feeling. You can take time to calm down and later express your needs in a way that is effective.

Yesterday's show was discussed communication that is effective v. "Right."

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Are you here to try and get help? Or are you here to blog about your life?

This is not a blog forum. This a forum where people knowledgeable about Dr Harley's program give advice that is in line with his program.

Dr Harley does not do 'talk therapy.' We do not need to talk through all your history and the 'context' of every situation. Here we focus on behavior. An AO is and AO is and AO, it doesn't matter what the context is. It is abusive pure and simple and is no one's responsibility other than the person having it. Until you believe that you will not stop having them, inherently someone will do something to cause you to have one.

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Originally Posted By: superken
Good morning to you all,

OK well i asked for it, so looks like i got it.

Ok first things first. My reply to the first reply received on this thread.

I thought the reply was in credibly shallow. You passed judgement without asking any questions, without any digging. You may not want to expend the energy in getting "involved" in the thread. That's your decision. But why jump to the harsh conclusion you jumped too?

Yes the posts were long. I know that, i knew it as i was writing it. Do you really think i could write so many words and not "get" it was long winded? I feel you could have been a little more....ummm.....diplomatic tinged with a little respect in your reply.

So yes, long story. I know my life means nothing to you but it means the world to me.

How else do you explain the tragedies that have hit your life and colored your view of the world? Because it is these experiences in life that make you what you are today.

I layed it out in detail because i am interested in trying to figure out where and why i have gone wrong. If a person who is caring and may want to offer some insight does want to reply to the thread, is it not beneficial to have the story behind the lead up rather then have to ask 64,000 questions to understand the dynamics of the situation? You see that is my point of view of things ...give me the story, all the details so i can ponder the situation....i dont want to have to ask question after question trying to understand the situation.

Obviously our points of view differ on this, so perhaps we can agree to disagree and while disagreeing maybe be respectful to each other? I mean......

"It sounds to me like you are very abusive to this woman. If she were here I would advise her to end her relationship with you until such time that you can prove that you are no longer abusive."

...that is so helpful.........not.

You passed judgement without any understanding whatsoever of the dynamics of what is going on. I would have hoped you may have asked a question or two before jumping on me like that.

I say again, it was incredibly difficult to write that stuff out. The mistake is i should not have posted it online. It should have stayed a journal entry. But it was valuable to commit it to paper (well, screen anyway). Of course it means nothing to you..why would it? It means nothing for you or anyone else here, but for me it was the start of a long journey i must undertake.

Correct me if i am wrong, but the sense i get on this forum is that is is "MOSTLY" (but not always) women who come in here laying it all out about what is going on in their relationship?

I may be wrong, but that is the sense i get.

I would have thought that a man, who has done some of the things women report here, and who understands that there is definitely errant behavior that is unacceptable going on in a relationship and who is honest enough to admit it and brave enough to face it would be met with some insight from a women s point of view

Its not easy to face up to and own ones issues and problems. But i would rather look within and figure out my part of the interplay in this complex scenario then go on the blame game. I really do prefer an intelligent conversation and talking things through rather then get into a heated argument or a yelling match.

In that vein, i told you about a short period of my life (about 5 years worth)that lead up to the relationship i am in now. I feel it was important to have context to the situation. You dont see it that way.

The 5 years prior to me getting involved with this women i am with now were a period of intense loss, stress and life changing outcomes. This has shaped my world view. I openly admit that i was on an emotional roller coaster. My partner tells me she thought i was emotionally unstable. I most probably was. I gave the back ground to how i ended up the way i was.

Sorry, but i thought your reply was unduly harsh, for your first comment. All you can say to me is, you think she should stay away from me till i can stop the AO's? No hint, of "gee i am sorry you went through all that, i cant even imagine how it must have been".....

The tragedy of losing ones beloved wife, precious children, home, possessions, wealth. To have to stay out of your country of birth in order to protect yourself from being made destitute by an uncaring system out of control and heavily biased towards women. Having to struggle on alone, deep in the bush in a third world country, alone,no one around who speaks English, starved of company or conversation, lacking creature comforts, decent food, i may as well have been on the Moon. Feeling cast out and left for dead to slowly starve because i was fleeced of every cent i had by the legal system that is so biased towards women in my home country ...... To me that was incredibly traumatic and had a very heavy profound impact on me. I still have not recovered today, 15 years later.

While it was long winded to you, i omitted a great deal in the interest of brevity. I was trying to set the scene so an intelligent discussion could start, so there was some understanding of me, why i may be feeling the way i do, how that may be impacting and distorting my sense how to go about life.

Its a difficult thing to do, to face yourself. To question yourself. To own your issues. To not try to find blame in anyone else for why you have done what you have. To look within can be a painful experience. It can be (and is to me) an uncomfortable experience. Still, i am not going to run away from it, i will face it, i will endure the criticism, however unfair it may be.

I asked for it. I got it. What was i expecting......whatever it was, it was most certainly not being what i feel was, being attacked.


If you spent as much time reading Dr Harley's books, listening to the radio show, or learning about his program and how to apply it to your own life and behavior as you did trying to tell me off or defend your behavior, you could have a very happy and satisfying relationship. So what is more important to you?

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Originally Posted By: superken
Originally Posted By: unwritten


NOTHING she does leads you to AOs. You alone are responsible for your AOs. All of us, everyone in the world, have people around us who do frustrating things, but we don't all have AO's.


However to say "Nothing she does leads yo to AO's" is so woefully an inadequate way to express your point of view in my opinion. Plenty of what she does leads to my REACTION. If she didnt cause an incident then there would be nothing for me to REACT to, would there. This is not a simple thing to deal with.

Originally Posted By: unwritten
You CHOOSE to have AO's to your girlfriend. Until you own that it is your choice and something you are choosing to do and can stop if you want to, you are just making excuses for this abusive behavior.


WRONG - very very WRONG. I would *NEVER* choose to have an AO to anyone. To me if someone *CHOSE* to have an AO then they are a looney tune.


If you do not believe me when I say that you CHOOSE to have an AO, then why don't you write to Dr Harley himself and ask him his opinion of this? After all, I am just mirroring advice that Dr Harley himself gives to people regarding AO's. If you want to argue his doctorate education and 40 years of experience as a clinical psychologist dealing with AO's, why don't you do that?

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Quote:
However to say "Nothing she does leads yo to AO's" is so woefully an inadequate way to express your point of view in my opinion. Plenty of what she does leads to my REACTION. If she didnt cause an incident then there would be nothing for me to REACT to, would there. This is not a simple thing to deal with.

You will never be safe for your girlfriend as long as you think like this.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2867799 10/13/15 03:27 PM
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Are you interested in learning how to control yourself when you are angry? There are people here who can help.

Prisca #2867825 10/13/15 06:37 PM
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You are an abusive man.

Until you decide to stop abusing others. no progress can be made. You are an adult and can make this choice. Your life events do not give you permission to abuse others like that. Get it?

Let us know if you want to actually change. I for one, do not even want to post to someone so angry. I will, if you are ready for help. But only the very weak would allow someone with this attitude in their life.

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Listen to the clips in here.
Anger Management


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Sorry for delay in coming back to the thread.

All comments taken onboard.

I am here because i want to discuss my issues with people who are inclined to talk about such things. A listening ear who might be interested in "constructively" giving some input is what i was seeking.

No i dont want to blog about my life situation. As i said, i put up the background to how "I" arrived in the state i am at. I thought context was relevant - maybe i got that wrong. Too much detail. OK got it.

The stinging criticism i have received here has helped me focus. A good kick in the backside is sometimes needed.

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Right - so can i say this....

AN abusive man.... yes i think so. No, i *KNOW* so.

But not in the way you might think. We don't have an explosive or turbulent relationship. We don't argue over small petty things. I don't try to control her - really not interested in that. She maintains her own interests, family, friends. I have never got in the way of that or ever had the thought to do so. In fact the opposite - we used to live a good distance away from her parents. One of her parents was quite sick (elderly and frail with serious health issues)so i persuaded her to move back to the house next door to them so she could be close to them to help and assist as required. So no controlling of her at all.

I don't bully her per se.

What i have done is verbally abuse her when it comes to work related issues. There is no abuse at other times.

Away from work issues *i thought* we got on very well and dont have fights or arguments.

I own the responsibility for my abuse.

There is a LOT LOT more going on though.

Still, the first part of what i wanted to talk about was my abuse issues. I have to get that under control.

What do i want here? I want someone to talk to about whats happening, and happened. Some advice from people who have gone through this. I need to talk to someone from my own culture as the cultural divide between where i am and where i come from is too great.

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OK so here is where i am at...... as i said the stinging criticism here really helped me focus ...to REALLY stop and think it through.

I've reached a point I've never been at before. Two things precipitated this. The criticism i received here and something my lawyer said to me. He said to me " you know, she has built and graded the road she wants you to drive down and you have driven straight down it like she wanted you too"

So those 2 things made me really spend the weekend soul searching.

I realized that there is NO ACCEPTANCE of abuse whatever the reason and if i keep going this way i will be ostracized and marginalized as i was here. No sane rational functioning person could want that.

Then the full weight of how she has manipulated me into the corner she has me in hit me. I allowed her to do it to me because i have anger management issues. I need to be way more intelligent then that. I have to get that side of my personality under control as it is destructive. No one wants or needs that.

A lot of work to do.

Can i be honest with you? It hurts a lot to read your posts about me. But i have to go through this. I have to face what i have done, admit it, embrace my failures and actively do something about correcting my errant behavior.

I see it now. I have not been a nice person to be around.

And no, i dont expect anything from anyone because i am waking up. I am doing this for me. Its something i need to go through - long overdue. The very last thing i am asking for is pity - i do fall into bouts of self pity at times - i am going through a lot of emotions. A lot of stuff is being flushed out.

I have made mistakes. I have stumbled and fallen. I want to get back up and do it the right way now.

I am interested in the other sides point of view. That is, if you had an abusive partner, how did you feel about it? I am mean its obvious of course, but i am really interested in trying to understand how i made her feel, the damage i did.

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So i spent the weekend researching and reading about abuse.

Its long. Some of you will be upset about that. If that is you, please dont read it. I have no wish to offend anyone here.

I spent the weekend, thinking, soul searching, reading and crying. Its all gone so terribly wrong. Life has collapsed.

I have done this to myself. I need to take the pain, learn from it and WAKE UP.

Your rebukes and criticism hurt me - a lot. But its needed. I have to get a sense of how our community views all this.


DW,
I Hope you will respect my privacy by not sharing or showing anyone this letter. It is very private and personnel and would do great physiological damage to me If you were to use it against me or shared it around with anyone else. I am trying to honestly look at myself and what I have done, what my role is in all of the horror that has ensued.

What follows is an assessment of me by myself. No one asked me to do it, no asked to receive it. I hope you will read what I have researched and assembled. It is a complex situation as it always is when humans are involved.

What I have written is for me, not you.

I am trying to understand what has gone wrong and why it has happened. The situation that is happening and the loss of everything is heavy to me. That is the price I pay for my folly. Its my folly; I must own responsibility of it. I do honestly feel that there are a lot of things done to me by other people that should not have happened they should not have done those things to me. But this is no excuse or reason to abuse anyone for it, or over it. There seems to be a fine line between saying or calling out to the person who has transgressed me, how I feel it was wrong for them to do that to me, and abusing that person for it. I am still not sure how to handle that part. Im a bit lost on that issue.

This document is not about Gaslighting you or anyone else. I am not Hoovering you. I am having a very hard time coping with what has happened. Not a single event or action here or there, but all of it. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I had no idea that all this was happening behind me. It was such a shock to learn all of what has been going on. I feel devastated you feel so little of me you left me to rot.

Given this, I dont see how it would be possible to continue on in a relationship. I think we both realize this. So what I have written below is not in any way an attempt to make promises to you or to win you back etc. I accept its over. I should have ended this situation last year when I found out the extent of what happened and was happening behind my back and what the various people of yours have done to me. I didnt, for fear of being alone. I felt (still do must get over it) that accepting the horrible situation and overlooking if you would just apologize would be better than going out into the world alone again. I was wrong. Look at what has happened! As the saying goes, better off alone then in bad company. But I wont get into all that here, that is not my point. My point is, this letter and body of work is not for you, is not meant as any form of trying to get you to think I am seeing things better or clearer now and so things will be better etc. Its for me. I need to learn the lessons from what has happened so I can go on in my life and try to recover from all this and be a better person in the future.

The saddest part of all this to me is I have hurt you so badly while that was never my intention. I just didnt see how my actions could be construed as harmful. To me its, deal with it, say what you have to say in whatever manner, then get over it and move on. I never saw how anyone could be so damaged from what I said. And therein lays the problem. I have realized I have a lot to learn.


I am an Abuser
An embarrassing, hard to admit, shameful thing I have to face. There is no excuse despite my protestations I am in control of me, no one else is. It is my choice. External factors are no excuse. I show my lack of self control with my angry outbursts. Its up to me how I go forward in life. Its never too late to start afresh. Yesterday is done I cant change that, but I am in control of what I do tomorrow. What I have learnt in the last days of reading.
Abuse?
Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.
Me Mistreat does this include yelling? I do this. I am guilty of abuse. In the process I degrade their well being. I am guilty of degrading your well being.
Types of Abuse
Verbal: They may verbally abuse them by calling them names, tell them they are stupid, have no worth or will not amount to anything on their own.
Physical: They may become physically violent, inflicting pain, bruises, broken bones and other physical wounds (visible and hidden both).
Sexual: They may rape or sexually assault their victims.
Negligence: Alternatively they may neglect dependent victims, disavowing any responsibilities they may have towards those victims, and causing damage through lack of action rather than through a harmful, manipulative action itself.
- Me
Me - Verbal: I do this. I often call you names. This is degrading to you and is ALWAYS unacceptable. Guilty as charged.
Me - Physical: We both know what has happened.
Me - Sexual: I am genuinely shocked you could allege sexual abuse. How? I have never ever forced you into anything or touched you if you said not too. I have asked and tried to persuade, but always respected your no, not now/today/tonight..whatever. I never forced myself on you ever. I always respected no.
Me - Negligence: Does not apply in this case.

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I am an Abuser

An embarrassing, hard to admit, shameful thing I have to face. There is no excuse despite my protestations I am in control of me, no one else is. It is my choice. External factors are no excuse. I show my lack of self control with my angry outbursts. Its up to me how I go forward in life. Its never too late to start afresh. Yesterday is done I cant change that, but I am in control of what I do tomorrow. What I have learnt in the last days of reading.

Abuse?

Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.

SK Mistreat does this include yelling? I do this. I am guilty of abuse. In the process I degrade their well being. I am guilty of degrading your well being.

Types of Abuse

Verbal: They may verbally abuse them by calling them names, tell them they are stupid, have no worth or will not amount to anything on their own.
Physical: They may become physically violent, inflicting pain, bruises, broken bones and other physical wounds (visible and hidden both).
Sexual: They may rape or sexually assault their victims.
Negligence: Alternatively they may neglect dependent victims, disavowing any responsibilities they may have towards those victims, and causing damage through lack of action rather than through a harmful, manipulative action itself.

SK - Thoughts
SK - Verbal: I do this. I often call you names. This is degrading to you and is ALWAYS unacceptable. Guilty as charged.
SK - Physical: We both know what has happened.
SK - Sexual: I am genuinely shocked you could allege sexual abuse. How? I have never ever forced you into anything or touched you if you said not too. I have asked and tried to persuade, but always respected your no, not now/today/tonight..whatever. I never forced myself on you ever. I always respected no.
SK - Negligence: Does not apply in this case.

So what is abuse?

In the most general sense, the term 'abuse' describes a particular type of relationship between two things. An abusive relationship is one where one thing mistreats or misuses another thing. The important words in this definition are "mistreat" and "misuse"; they imply that there is a standard that describes how things should be treated and used, and that an abuser has violated that standard.

SK so there it is. mistreat and misuse. By yelling at you, by putting you down with my comments I am mistreating you. The standard that should be applied is respect and understanding I have failed this time and time again.


There are individual difference between people in terms of their comfort level with 'abusive' behaviors as well. For example, some couples are very volatile with one another; they may scream and yell at each other and fight constantly. Being subjected to this high-conflict sort of relationship might be an instance of verbal abuse for some more sensitive people.

SK - you are a lot more sensitive and quiet then me. My level of acceptance is not yours. I have no right to push my levels of what I can deal with onto anyone else. I have been in an environment where yelling and aggressive assertive was the order of the day. Ive never been able to let go of it and it has followed me through life. No excuse though.


Much verbal, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and neglect takes place in the home within the context of the intimate relationships between family members that take place within the home. Abuse between relationship partners is sometimes referred to as "partner abuse", "domestic violence", "relationship violence", or "family violence". Much child abuse and elder abuse takes place within the home as well.

SK Yes most all of the abuse in this situation has occurred at home.



Partner abuse may take many forms. Destruction of property, psychological and emotional abuse, and physical and sexual assault are all common forms. On the milder, but still quite serious side, domestic abusers threaten victims, use verbal put-downs and derogatory names, attempt to publicly humiliate them, and play manipulative mind games. Abusers are often jealous. They may attempt to limit their victim's access to family, friends or employment so as to keep them under better control and away from "outside negative influences" (e.g., away from people who might try to talk sense into them). Abusers efforts to limit victims outside contacts may result in victims not being able to stay in contact with family and friends, being unable to seek employment, or losing employment (due to absenteeism or decreased productivity secondary to abuse).

SK This is correct. We both know this, dont we? However I have never been jealous of you in any way, I have never attempted to publicly humiliate you. Not everything written about abuse fits in our circumstances. But a lot of it does. I am an abuser. I am guilty as charged.


Recognizing Abuse


Abuse is not the easiest thing in the world to recognize, even if it is happening to you directly. Not everyone who is being abused understands that what they are experiencing is abuse. Some may recognize that something isn't right about how they are treated, but they may be afraid to speak up and name it as abuse for fear of retribution from their abuser. The following list describes various interactions that people might have that are examples of abuse. If one or more of these things is happening to you, there is very good chance that you are being abused.
Being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt and/or violated by your partner on a regular basis.
Being called hurtful names and/or being put down by partner on a regular basis.
Being controlled by partner. For instance, if your partner tells you that you are not allowed to have friends, leave the house without his permission, or tells you that you are not allowed to
pursue your own goals growth, such as attending school or finding work.
Becoming more withdrawn so that you do not spend much time with others who may clue in to the fact that abuse is happening to you.
Finding yourself making excuses for partners bad and harmful behavior (perhaps so that you won't have to accept the fact that abuse is happening).
Recognizing that your relationship has a pattern or cycle in which something abusive occurs, you tell partner that you will not tolerate the abuse anymore, but then forgiving your partner
when he or she apologizes.
Blaming yourself for bad things your partner has done to you. For example, telling yourself that you are really difficult to live with so you deserve to be hit.
Feeling trapped in your own home and being fearful when you know partner is coming home.

SK Thoughts

Being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt and/or violated by your partner on a regular basis.

SK - I have been physically abusive and emotionally abusive. I have violated my partner on a regular basis. I am wrong.

Being called hurtful names and/or being put down by partner on a regular basis.

SK - I have called you hurtful names and put you down on a regular basis. I am wrong.

Being controlled by partner. For instance, if your partner tells you that you are not allowed to have friends, leave the house without his permission, or tells you that you are not allowed to pursue your own goals growth, such as attending school or finding work.

SK - I have *NEVER EVER* done this to you. I think you will agree to that. I am not insecure. I have my issues but being insecure is not one of them. You are free to see who you want when you want do you agree with this? Have I in some way tried to restrict or control this with you ? GOD I hope not! I am pretty sure this is not the case though. If it is the case from your point of view then I am off in la la land! Big time because I just dont see it!

Becoming more withdrawn so that you do not spend much time with others who may clue in to the fact that abuse is happening to you.

SK - Have no idea if this is relevant to our situation. Is it? I sincerely hope not.

Finding yourself making excuses for partners bad and harmful behavior (perhaps so that you won't have to accept the fact that abuse is happening).

Sk - I think you have done this for me. You allude to this but then wont tell me whats what. I wish you would. I dont want to be a bad person; I dont want to come across as a nasty horrible person. You tell me I do. I am ashamed of that.

Recognizing that your relationship has a pattern or cycle in which something abusive occurs, you tell partner that you will not tolerate the abuse anymore, but then forgiving your partner when he or she apologizes.

SK - We have been through the cycle so many times. I abuse, I Hoover, you forgive, I do it again and again.. No more.

Blaming yourself for bad things your partner has done to you. For example, telling yourself that you are really difficult to live with so you deserve to be hit.

SK - I dont think this applies. You are way way too strong a person for that.

Feeling trapped in your own home and being fearful when you know partner is coming home.

SK - I dont know, i really dont think so you tell me. Do you?

Abuse as "Normal"

People abused as children often grow up thinking that abuse is normal behavior that everyone experiences and "par for the course." This warped perspective makes abuse victims vulnerable to perpetuating the cycle of abuse as they grow older. Those previously abused people who get involved in romantic relationships as adults may find themselves attracted to people who will abuse them. They may even believe that the abusive behaviors their partner periodically acts out are proof of passion and love. Alternatively, abuse victims may have internalized the ethic of abuse and may think that it is a normal and appropriate way to deal with others. Parents who were abused as children may find it easy to rationalize abusing their own children. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is the common refrain here. In effect, being abused as a child tends to set people up to either continue to be abused as adults or to become abusive people themselves and carry on the cycle of violence with new partners and children.

SK I *Will NOT* use this as an excuse. I should know better. I know I have abused you, I knew I was doing it when I did it, I knew it was not right as I was doing it. Having said that, why do I abuse? I dont know myself. But I want to stop this.

Genuinely.

I come from a very very troubled family life as a child. My father abused my mother terribly emotionally and physically. It was terrifying as a child to see and hear. Has this set me up to be an abuser? I dont know. Maybe. But I will not use it as an excuse to hide behind. I should know better. I saw you in distress why did I not stop? Why did I do this over the years? What inadequacies do I have that I felt I had to abuse you? Did I take out my frustrations on you?


Why Do People Abuse?

The first question, "Why do people abuse other people?" has multiple answers. Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of "abuser" and "victim". They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the "abuser" side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. That they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness.
Abusive behavior can also result from mental health issues or disorders. For example, someone with anger management issues, a diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, or a drinking or drug problem may easily get out of control during arguments (e.g., because there is something wrong with their ability to inhibit themselves at the brain level) and verbally or physically strike out at their partners and dependents.

SK I have no idea about the dynamics of this. What is written above may or may not be true does it matter why? My guess is, to you, no it doesnt! I am pretty sure I have anger management issues. Drinking and drugs are a non starter with either of us, so its not that.

A response i came across on the net somewhere...

While I agree that society tends to make excuses for abusers at times the truth is that a lot of them do learn the behavior and get caught up in a cycle of abuse. That is a reality we have to deal with. Maybe that is where we can hold ourselves accountable to our children, ensuring we don't raise them in a house where they are exposed to constant abuse. However, I also agree with what others of you have said, we all have choices, and so we cannot excuse abuse and abusers. With that realization to look at it then becomes absolutely necessary for people to seek help, to find ways to change their abusive behavior and that will mean people will have to face their reality and accept that something is wrong. That can be hard for people to face so again we all have the responsibility of not putting up with abuse, leaving abusive relationships and taking a stand for ourselves even if the abuser refuses to take a stand for themselves.

SK - I concur with the statement above. We all have choices, abusers cannot be excused. Abusers MUST seek help, if they truly want to end the destruction. It is indeed necessary for people to seek help, to find ways to change their abusive behavior. I will have to face the reality of the situation and accept that something is wrong. I have no choice. I am guilty as charged.

Dealing with Current Abuse

Knowing that abuse is taking place is an important first step in dealing with abuse, because it focuses attention on the problem. It is not enough to simply know that abuse is taking place, however. It is important to act to stop further abuse from occurring. It is also important to help support abuse victims' recovery from abuse, so as to aid their transition to an abuse-free life, and to minimize the impact of the abuse they have sustained on their lives. In this following section, we describe some of the steps people can take to help stop abuse, and to support abuse survivors.

If You Are an Abuser

SK I AM AN Abuser !!

Abusers either don't realize that what they are doing is wrong, cannot stop themselves (because of impulse control, substance abuse problems, or brain damage), or simply don't care about the damage they do. If you are an abuser and you simply don't care, there isn't much we can say to you to get you to stop. However, if you do care, and want help stopping the cycle of abuse, there are a few things you can do:

SK I am an Abuser !!

1/. Abusers either don't realize that what they are doing is wrong, cannot stop themselves (because of impulse control, substance abuse problems, or brain damage), or simply don't care about the damage they do.

SK - I do care. I care a lot about it. I know it is wrong. I cannot stop this is so true. To me it doesnt mean much because I have a strange view of it to me its nothing I am expressing myself then its over. Not. Its not over for you, or to whoever it is I am abusing. Abuse comes in so many forms. I realize that now. I never did before. I have impulse control issues. I have impulse control issues.

Get clear on what abuse is and isn't (read the definition of abuse given above).

Stop rationalizing that abusive treatment of others is acceptable. Abuse is NEVER healthy or acceptable regardless of the messages you may have been taught or witnessed in the past.

Get professional help immediately to deal with your anger issues, substance abuse issues, poor parenting skills or poor boundaries and personal relationship strategies. Seek out the professional assistance of a psychologist or other mental health professional.

You can learn to have healthy, happier and non-abusive relationships, but you must first seek out and stick with professional help, and you must get sober before you have a realistic chance of changing.

SK I WANT to have healthy, happier and non-abusive relationships. So why does this elude me? I must seek out and STICK with professional help. Really.

Last edited by superken; 10/19/15 01:24 AM.
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So there it is.

I spent the weekend soul searching, trying to understand everything.

Folks, lets be honest here - i did not reach this point by choice. It was forced upon me by circumstances. I am not that big a person that i could see my errors and willingly without a good kick, go find the answers to this.

I had to stumble and take a big fall first.

There is a lot going on in this situation i am in.

But first things first i need to deal with myself. I want to get out of the blame game. I dont want to go in an endless cycle of blaming someone else for my situation. I got myself into it. I am responsible for my actions and my actions have caused much hurt and damage.

I can never repair this damage, its a heavy burden on my soul that i have done this.

All i can say for now, i am awake to it now. I just didn't realise what i was doing - i mean i knew it was wrong, i knew i was unpleasant but not to such an extent that i stopped.

Its taken this to bring me back to earth. Why are we humans the way we are?

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