hello i been married for 8 years we have 2 daughters 7 and almost 3 yeas old , about 3 weeks ago we had a argument where i raised my voice like always,she took it in like many other times before 2 days later i was still a bit mad i kept to my self,in that one week ,when sunday came in and it was time to put the kids to sleep ,which she always does because i never help on that department,i notice she was upset,and annoyed me ,so when she came to bed she threw the pillow at me and i told her to get out of the room with bad words included the next day i told her i'm sorry and i wanted to talk,so we met up outside the house ,and i apologize to her and i knew this time she was not going to forgive me,that's when she told me she had enough and she don't love me wants a divorce,and it hit me like a train my eyes opened up and i felt something i never felt before. that's when i recognize i have a anger issue that i wish i knew it was that bad, i enrolled my self in anger management classes ,and everyday i apologize to her but i don't want to push her away ,this time i think my bank is overdrawn by -1,000,000 ,and i think ill never win her heart again and it hurts so much i cry everyday i love her so much and my kids ,and i know now how she felt all those time i yield at her and made her cry,shes moving out at the end of the month and i don't know what to do , this time i think there's no turning back and i wish i could go back in time and not do it HELP i want her and i lover her and my kids mean the world to me ,can i still have another chance or is it really over this time please help

Hi flame, welcome to MArriage Builders. Is she moving out with the kids? Did she ask you to move out?

I am glad to see that you are in anger management because it certainly sounds warranted. I can't imagine what a horrible life your wife had living with you, so I applaud her for separating. Dr. Harley typically recommends separating for at least a year while the abusive spouse learns new skills.

The most important thing here is your wife's welfare, not what you WANT.. You ran your wife off with your mean behavior. If you want her back, you are going to have to make a radical change in your behavior and work hard on attracting her back. I would start by showing some empathy for HER.

Yes my wife is moving out with the kids and her mom , her mom leaving with us she's helping take care of the kids while we work , another point I didn't mentioned was that her mom when tru the same cenario but worst and there's more to this on how I became to be like this now I know that the damage I did is called verbal abuse and I didn't know I was doing that to her and I realize when ever we argue she never said anything she would just stay quite, and I wish she would had say something and not let me go off on her, I don't drink I don't smoke I never hit her , but every one tells me what I did is a lot worst then hitting a person. verbal abuse is very bad.

So when a woman CRIES you don't comprehend that she is hurt? It seems you are saying it is HER fault you did this because she didn't tell you?

If you were on a date with a woman, do you think she would be interested in you if you yelled at her and berated her? Surely you know she wouldn't go out with you again. So how did you expect your WIFE to want to be with someone who mistreated her so badly?

on my first visit in anger management my doctor asked me if we would consider marriage counselling,so i asked my wife and what she told me was ( is ok i'm fine i accepted what happened and forgive you but no reason to go since i have no love)

Thats good that she declined marriage counseling because that would make things worse. The last thing you need is to sit in an office citing grievances because she will be more angry than before.

no i don't blame her,i blame my self for being blind,i blame my self for everything ,neglecting her not spending time with her when she needed it me ,all she did was make happy and i didn't do that for her now im paying the price.i held in to many secrets and bad things that were going around work,used to work for her dad and saw what he did and told me many things that if you would know your mind will flip out ,and i kept all that in secret and i wanted to say something but i didn't want to destroy a family my wife's family because not only her mom when true it knowing what i knew about her husband dirty secrets would had braked her heart which at the end it did but i kept that secret in me for 5 years and drove me to stress and anger and not being able to say something ,and i believe i used that on the wrong person which ended up being my wife,when i finally said something i didn't say all of it but enough to expose him on cheating and sleeping around with young woman , my wife's 2 sisters didn't seen to care that he did that ,instead they turned their backs on the mom and that got me more angry that they felt sorry for the dad and not their mom. and i started hating her sister and i developed more anger issues because when we would go to family parties they were there and acting like nothing happened and they wouldn't talk to the mom ,so the mom was left alone

base on your responds you think i wont ever have a chance to win her heart again

You start off saying that you don't blame your wife, and that you blame yourself...

...but then you go into a tirade, without pausing to draw breath, of blaming your father-in-law and his behaviour, and your sisters-in-law and their behaviour.

You are blaming the abuse of your wife on things that other people did in their lives, and it's pathetic. You need to grow up. You abused her because you enjoyed doing so, and saw nothing wrong with what you were doing.

I cannot understand why you did not see that she would not put up with that forever.

i didn't enjoyed it at all ,i didn't even know i was doing so,i was that blind and stupid and i wish i never did.

So you did it because of your in-laws?

Hello, flames,

I am a formerly abusive husband who won my wife back using the Marriage Builders program. You can do it, too, but first you have GOT to knock off the angry outbursts.

I encourage you to supplement your anger management program the same way I did: by listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show. Dr. Harley is an anger management EXPERT, having overcome angry outbursts himself decades ago and having successfully helped a lot of other people eliminate angry outbursts as well, including former convicts. The daily radio show is free - there are also paid archives I would encourage you to listen to.

There is an anger management 101 thread on this forum - you should read it and listen to the radio show links.

You should get the book Love Busters and read the Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts chapters. You will find you are guilty of all three. I would encourage you to re-read these chapters every week until you have won your wife back.

You should read through all of Dr. Harley's Q&A columns about Love Busters. Go up to the top of the page, click on "Q&A columns," go over to the left and click on "How to Overcome Love Busters." There will be a list of pages under that - read them all.

You should buy a GSR meter and use it as described in this article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html You will find that you are an "emotional person." I did!

I would encourage you to also get the book Anger Busters by Newton Hightower and read it. I think you will find it is a real eye-opener for you.

Get after it, my friend - you have a lot of work to do! You are the best man possible for your wife IF and ONLY IF you can completely eliminate your angry outbursts. Let us know what troubles you have following the program.

Hey, flames, part of being an angry person is being a drama queen.

Knock it off.

Don't whine about how sorry you are - it won't help bring your wife back.

Dude, you're a dude, so don't be a drama queen, okay?

If you can stop being a drama queen, that's 50% of the work to eliminating angry outbursts right there.

Take it from me - a former drama queen.

No more whining about how sad and sorry and stupid you are. It just makes the problem worse. Calmly, quietly get a grip on your emotions and your angry outbursts.

No more blame; just do the work.

Do you have a GSR meter yet?

Have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show yet?

i dont know anymore and i wish this never happened. i missed her so much and is killing me ,and to think that i did this to her many times.she so strong and forgiving

thank you i need to hear this i need to hear positive things ,all i been hearing for the passed two weeks is negative things thank you
and will get the gsr

thank you markos

No more whining, just do the work. Do you have a GSR meter yet? Have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show, yet? Have you read the Anger Management 101 thread yet?