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There are no precautions as far as what she will include me in. She is still stalking his facebook page, and still debates sending him a letter or links to things. Se doesn't, but I cannot say why.
She doesn't believe it was an affair so much because she was done with me long before being with him. The only reason she feels any issue with it is because she "wasn't ready" to be in a relationship.
She compares how "wonderful" he is and the hopes and dreams she wanted with him, and I feel a bit like I could never or have never amounted to that.
She has not made any commitment to us or our marriage and has made it clear that she does not love me and "says" she does not want to.
I want to believe this will pass, but this does not follow any of the "rules" that I have read about with affairs.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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It is fog babble, all that she is saying is pure BS and rewriting history. Her mind is still engaged in the affair as she seeks him out for a quick fix. She will not admit it was an affair, very typical. She is not in reconciliation mode, she is stuck. It sounds typical to me, however she keeps resetting the clock everytime she looks at his Facebook.
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Her affair has not ended and the clock gets reset back to Day 1 Every Single Day that she stalks his FaceBook Page.
She will Never get out of withdrawal as long as this behaviour continues and makes resuming the in contact aspect of the affair much more of a daily present danger.
What can you do to convince her to quit her stalking behaviors?
LTL
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Updates:
She is home....physically...
Her reasons for being home, are nowhere else to go, missing our children, and God doesn't want her to be with OM (as in the affair is sinful). All of these reasons are fine by me, but of course I feel left out. I have no doubt I am in there somewhere, perhaps she isn't sure, isn't aware, or just simply doesn't tell me. Right now, it doesn't matter - she wouldn't be here if there wasn't semblance of hope within her.
She is going through withdrawal, she is not over OM. She uninstalled Facebook from her phone. We are following God together, and taking or children with us. I have been in IC for 3 weeks, and she went with me this last time - I will meet with the counselor next week and we will discuss whether we will better benefit from IC, or MC - or if I/we'll need both each.
My wife is in a strange place. All contact is ceased, Of all I have read, I half hoped she'd be "begging to come home" once all this was over. Reality set in and this was not the case, I was not surprised. She is adamant that she fell in love with OM, that he treated her so well (aside from the typical affair issues - taking advantage of a married woman, being married himself and not over his own wife, involving our and his children).
She is going through triggers much in the way a BS should - as I "should". I have few triggers, and the ones I do have are over quickly. I could make love to my wife right now if it were appropriate, but she can barely stand to show me affection - she has this feeling like she is cheating on OM. I cannot initiate any affection, and she does show it - sporadically and limited.
I am grateful, and thankful that we are where we are. I knew we wouldn't just be able to be married again right away so to speak - but I am sad that I still don't feel "chosen". We have talked about this, and our communication is astoundingly better. We have a lifetime of work to do.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Don't go to MC with her, it is very unlikely to help your situation.
Is your IC in regards to anger management or what?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Also, you state contact has ceased...are you doing any snooping to verify this or taking her at her word?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Has she agreed to the EP list. If not, then you are not in reconciliation you are stuck in limbo.
Stay away from counselors for her, and marriage counselors. They are a recipe for disaster, individual counselors just validate and ultimate encourage people to "do what makes you happy" without consequence.
Marriage counselor do NOT know how to deal with adultery, much less anything else. Stay away.
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The counselor I am seeing is Christian based. She is pro marriage, and when I asked her about happiness she said happy means nothing. But i understand what you are saying. Yes the IC was/is for anger, codependency, and my general issues.
And yes I have checked her phone regularly.
Last edited by Billman12; 11/17/15 08:22 AM.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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I would hope she is pro-marriage if she's an MC! My MC came highly recommended by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and was also a devout Christian (former senior pastor for 20+ years). He was still very destructive to my marriage and rather than even investigating the obvious red flags that my wife was having an affair, spent most of the time validating her complaints about me. I would advise against the MC.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Any thoughts on this issue I face?
I seem to make sense of what I mentioned earlier about how she has triggers and resists affection, as opposed to me as a BS.
It's odd how she made the choice to let another man into her heart, and I suffer the emotional/marital consequences with her return. I mean I didn't expect that she would come running home and want to dive in, but I also didn't anticipate such a distance.
I do not believe that she is still "choosing" OM, when we speak I can clearly hear and see the effort she is putting into us. She said last night she wasn't "begging me back" because she never saw (past tense?) me as worth it. The night ended with "I am now".
I don't expect her to just start loving me like none of this ever happened, I know it will be a long road - but it Feels like the consequences are on me. To be fair, I have no intention/desire of placing them on her either. I am unsure how to not feel "punished by her choices" in a positive or proper manner.
Last edited by Billman12; 11/18/15 01:11 AM.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Thoughts:
- You are still attempting to mind read your wife. Don't. It will lead to disrespectful judgements and mislead your own intuition during this very critical time. Until she agrees to EPs and the MB program, you must only evaluate the situation by her actions. Words are meaningless, and any inference you make about her intentions or whatever is also meaningless. There is only what she has or has not done, and as of yet, she has NOT committed to recovering your marriage.
- Many waywards do not ever express remorse for the affair. It doesn't seem fair, but you may not ever get it.
- Have you contacted Dr. Harley yet to update him on your situation and get his advice?
- The cost of marriage counseling would go a very long ways towards funding whole bunch of great dates you could take your wife on. This would do far more for helping her fall back in love with you than MC. But none of that will matter if she is maintaining any level of contact with him, which will keep her fogged. Are you doing SERIOUS snooping, like spyware on her phone and your PCs?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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