Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 12 of 35 1 2 10 11 12 13 14 34 35
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
Originally Posted By: black_raven
If your WW files a Proof of Service with the court, I would have your lawyer refute that you were not properly served. Most counties have online access to divorce filings. Look for the Superior Court of your county and look for a civil or family case online access link. You can search by name.

Papers thrown through a door should not count as service. You can always say you kicked them out and they maybe blew away in the wind. wink Papers are to be delivered directly into your hand or signed for. I wouldn't even give your lawyer the papers but tell him how they may have been thrown at you. whistle


x2

It's not terribly expensive to pay for proper service of the papers. Not very smart to do it the way she did.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
I should rexplain - they weren't thrown at me they were slid through the screen door right as I opened it. I didn't see their face because they turned away right away. No words were spoken until I said "Whats your name?"
"Its Name" *slammed car door shut with everyone and sped off.

Incredibly unprofessional...

Just talked to my attorney's secretary and she said that could have been my service depedning on what gets reported back to the court. So I guess I'll wait and see.

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 11/17/15 08:54 AM.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Did any of these people see you pick up the papers? If not then it's their word against yours that you picked them up. Leaving them at your doorstep is not sufficient for service. You have to accept the papers in some form.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
Those cowards are absorbing my wife into their world. All the work exposure in the world is not going to help at a company that so readily supports this behavior. I still love her so much, and my hatred for this company grows every second with every incredibly secular/worldly activity they perform.

I just want to save her from this darkness and save my wife. The affair has to end... She needs to get out of that company.


I just want to point out that many BH's have the tendency to want to absolve their WW's of responsibility for their behavior.

While I agree that it would be best for your WW to leave that environment for your best chance of recovery, I do not agree that she is some kind of victim to some crazy group that are trying to absorb her into their lifestyle and that she is some mindless idiot that is going along with it.

People who have poor boundaries love to hang out with others who have poor boundaries. This is your WW's tendency - just because you get her out of that workplace if she doesn't work on her boundaries, she will just gravitate towards the same people at the next place she goes to. Ask me how I know.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
They dropped it inside the door and I caught it. I looked at it and then yelled for their name. So yes, I guess they saw me receive the papers - and their was like four to six of them in the car.

My attorney is calling me in person later this afternoon I will inform you on what he says. After that meeting I will send this email to her:

My attorney will communicate with your attorney regarding our financial obligations. I think this avoids LB'ing her over the money

I love you, and miss you. I want to build a romantic and passionate marriage with you. This affair has been the most painful experience of my life, and I simply cannot build that desired passionate marriage with you until you end the affair.This is the point of the email, so I can at least get some Plan A on her


I am also going to ask that my attorney "lifts" the restraining order that was in the divorce paperwork that states that the plaintiff(my wife) or defendant is not allowed in the household if she has been absent for at least 30 days. That way she can still come over if she desires. I think I saw in the paperwork that I can do that if I am OK with it.

SusieQ #2870102 11/17/15 10:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
Originally Posted By: SusieQ

I just want to point out that many BH's have the tendency to want to absolve their WW's of responsibility for their behavior.

While I agree that it would be best for your WW to leave that environment for your best chance of recovery, I do not agree that she is some kind of victim to some crazy group that are trying to absorb her into their lifestyle and that she is some mindless idiot that is going along with it.

People who have poor boundaries love to hang out with others who have poor boundaries. This is your WW's tendency - just because you get her out of that workplace if she doesn't work on her boundaries, she will just gravitate towards the same people at the next place she goes to. Ask me how I know.


SusieQ, my brother said something similar. I do sense that I am giving her an awful lot of credit. I do feel like a little bit at first it was not herself, she got tempted in. But she got tempted in because she lacked boundaries and discipline. The point I am trying to make is that these people she is surrounding herself in now are very much enabling the behavior.
When I met her, she was a devout Christian woman (cliche I know). She was extremely faithful through a long distance relationship and actually told me once that if I "ever looked at pornography, she would forget my name." That's how strongly she felt about adultery and faithfulness. Those words were all I needed to destroy any temptation I may face - even to this day.

SusieQ, I believe she went through some emotional trauma when we miscarried. She was questioning everything she has ever done with me. She may have resented God a little bit and strayed from her beliefs - heard something that sounded good and comforting from a coworker...then another... then one that really made her feel good. BOOM affair.

Susie, you could be right though - and time will tell. I could have just been strung along for a ride and she actually is this kind of person. I just can't let this last month and half of behavior define my wife and I's last 7-8 years of relationship.

Thanks for keeping that position Susie, I know it always looks like I am bad mouthing you but I do appreciate your stance looking out for a BH like myself.

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 11/17/15 10:45 AM.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist

When I met her, she was a devout Christian woman (cliche I know).

We have had pastors, deacons and all other kinds of devout christians here who are in affairs or even multiiple affairs - that is completely irrelevant to whether someone is at risk to have an affair or not. In fact the type of people who think like that are the types of people who are more at risk.

Quote:
She was extremely faithful through a long distance relationship and actually told me once that if I "ever looked at pornography, she would forget my name." That's how strongly she felt about adultery and faithfulness. Those words were all I needed to destroy any temptation I may face - even to this day.

I have known my WxH since I was in grade school. One of the things I always liked about him (we didn't start dating until later) was how kind and compassionate he was torwards others. Not only that, when we first started dating, he told me about someone close to him in his family that had had an affair and how much he hated that they did that and how WRONG he thought affairs were. Again, a person being "good" or "bad" is compeletely irrelevant to whether they will have an affair.

Quote:
SusieQ, I believe she went through some emotional trauma when we miscarried. She was questioning everything she has ever done with me. She may have resented God a little bit and strayed from her beliefs - heard something that sounded good and comforting from a coworker...then another... then one that really made her feel good. BOOM affair.

I wrongly attributed at least part of the reason that my WxH having an affair on a trauma that he had suffered shortly before he had the affair. His close friend since childhool (someone I knew very well also) killed himself. It set my WxH on a depression and he would play games for hours and hours as an escape. Then he became obsessed with making an advancement w/n his profession...boom he had his affair.

Again, WRONG - he went on to have another affair 4 years later.

Quote:
Susie, you could be right though - and time will tell. I could have just been strung along for a ride and she actually is this kind of person. I just can't let this last month and half of behavior define my wife and I's last 7-8 years of relationship.

The only type of person that I am suggesting that she is, friendly, chatty, charismatic, very social with members of the opposite sex as well as females. If there would be a group event with work people where spouses were excluded would she jump at the chance to join in, even if she didn't have to? When you look back, can you see it? I am certain that you can.

Quote:
Thanks for keeping that position Susie, I know it always looks like I am bad mouthing you but I do appreciate your stance looking out for a BH like myself.

No worries. Just keep in mind that this is the NORM (a BH looking for a way to paint their WW as the victim). That kind of thinking will get you into trouble should you two ever attempt a recovery.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870110 11/17/15 11:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Quote:
Susie, you could be right though - and time will tell. I could have just been strung along for a ride and she actually is this kind of person. I just can't let this last month and half of behavior define my wife and I's last 7-8 years of relationship.


One more thing. To illustrate how well I get this - my WxH was a great father and a pretty good husband for TEN YEARS before he had his first affair. Once we recovered and were doing so well, it really rocked my world that he did it AGAIN - and the second time after I went into Plan B/D - his behavior shifted so dramatically, even in terms of his parenting....that I struggled to understand for a long time.

SMB and HPB were my IM's and they can vouch for me. Ask them.

If your WW doesn't either completely tighten up her boundaries (if she is the type of person that I think she is, this will be hard for her) or you keep her far away from a job where she can chat and engage with men, she will be at HIGH RISK.

Ironically, he is now baptized and pretty religious because his new wife is and still behaves very wayward while I am not very religious at all. It's a wayward issue - not a religious issue.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870111 11/17/15 12:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
Meeting my attorney tomorrow - he said we can delay the process 6-9mos probably. Which is OK with me - its probably the best I can do. He also said he could probably get me half of that savings (probably because he knows its going right in her wallet).

I read that we can make a motion for counseling - but she can decline. Maybe we try that after the holidays while she is a little nostalgic... I don't know.

I am probably going to send that email this afternoon to her.

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 11/17/15 12:06 PM.
SusieQ #2870112 11/17/15 12:06 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
WC,
Listen carefully to SuzieQ.
She is giving you pearls of wisdom, that i wish someone would have given me. She is describing my ex-wife when she talks about her exH. It illustrates that these affairs are so predictable and follow almost an exact script, time and time again.

Poor boundaries attract poor boundaries. In hindsight, i saw the same thing with my ex and tried to apologize for her.
My ex started hanging around 5 women with poor boundaries and all complained about their husbands. Guess what, within 3 years, all were divorced due to affairs, they were branded the "toxic wives club". Your wife is hanging out with people who are actively supporting the affair and are against YOU.

NebDane #2870113 11/17/15 12:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Are you not listening? I believe you have been advised to stay away from marriage counseling or individual counseling for your wayward.

Both are a recipe for DISASTER. Plus it will be a LB at this point, so why hit the wasp nest with a court motion?


Last edited by NebDane; 11/17/15 12:09 PM.
NebDane #2870118 11/17/15 12:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
I was just thinking of ways to delay the process neb...

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist

I read that we can make a motion for counseling - but she can decline. Maybe we try that after the holidays while she is a little nostalgic... I don't know.


That will probably doom your marriage. Marriage counselors don't know how to save marriages and don't understand the dynamics of infidelity. As such, they tend to validate the marriage wrecking ideas of waywards, which will doom your marriage. MC's are little more than divorce facilitators.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
I was just thinking of ways to delay the process neb...


So you would do something that would probably ruin any chance at recovery just to delay the divorce?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870121 11/17/15 12:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448

WC, you realize that your WW is no different than any other wayward, right?

This is a serious question.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870124 11/17/15 12:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
OK guys. Lets try this. I want advice as to what I should do to give my wife time to "defog"

Please, I understand my WW is just like any other wayward. I am not and will not ever be OK with divorcing her. How do I give myself time to let her defog.

IF this marriage breaks down in the recovery stage that is what was meant to be. Please give me advice as to how to get to/survive until that stage.

If seeing MC's is a bad idea then I wont make a motion for it. I just saw a couple weeks in my head when I thought of that.

I appreciate you trying to protect me from pain, but I have a very high threshold for pain. I want my wife back, I want to try recovery. Earlier in a post someone said "The chances of your WW coming back are actually quite good." But they said the recovery is the hard part. I just want to get to that stage. I am trying to keep the divorce at bay until that stage.

I am sorry if it appears I am ignoring you. I really do appreciate you trying to protect me - I just want to focus on getting to recovery. Then attacking the recovery pains when I get there. Not assuming the pain will be to great in the future and ignoring the entire process ("cut your losses")

I committed to this woman, regardless of what she has done to me. If I don't wait it out until she "defogs" what kind of husband am I?

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
You can only Plan A at this point, but protecting yourself legally. With NO lovebusters, only deposits. You must be cool, calm, NO judgements ever. Find things to do together and invite her.
Make sure you SLEEP, EAT right, and EXERCISE as ways to cope with this TRAUMA.

Patience.
This will be the hardest thing you will ever attempt in your life, period. Repeat, this will be the hardest thing you will ever attempt in your life, and you may fail even if you are perfect and give 10,000%.
She won't defog if she is still in contact of any fashion. She is not at reconcile/recovery.

You are frankly stuck.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,444
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,444
Likes: 8
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
OK guys. Lets try this. I want advice as to what I should do to give my wife time to "defog"

Please, I understand my WW is just like any other wayward. I am not and will not ever be OK with divorcing her. How do I give myself time to let her defog.

IF this marriage breaks down in the recovery stage that is what was meant to be. Please give me advice as to how to get to/survive until that stage.

If seeing MC's is a bad idea then I wont make a motion for it. I just saw a couple weeks in my head when I thought of that.

I appreciate you trying to protect me from pain, but I have a very high threshold for pain. I want my wife back, I want to try recovery. Earlier in a post someone said "The chances of your WW coming back are actually quite good." But they said the recovery is the hard part. I just want to get to that stage. I am trying to keep the divorce at bay until that stage.

I am sorry if it appears I am ignoring you. I really do appreciate you trying to protect me - I just want to focus on getting to recovery. Then attacking the recovery pains when I get there. Not assuming the pain will be to great in the future and ignoring the entire process ("cut your losses")

I committed to this woman, regardless of what she has done to me. If I don't wait it out until she "defogs" what kind of husband am I?

You can divorce and still wait it out until she defogs. A divorce does not have to mean that you are cutting your losses and giving up.

There is no point delaying the divorce if it means taking an action that is likely to make things worse - and marriage counselling WILL make things worse. You will be told to listen while your wife "communicates" her complaints to you, and then you will be encouraged to let her go. She will be encouraged to do what makes her feel happy, which means divorce.

I'm not saying that you should actively pursue a divorce, but that you should not choose a course of action that will make things worse. You've got to be smarter than that.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
OK guys. Lets try this. I want advice as to what I should do to give my wife time to "defog"

Please, I understand my WW is just like any other wayward. I am not and will not ever be OK with divorcing her. How do I give myself time to let her defog.

IF this marriage breaks down in the recovery stage that is what was meant to be. Please give me advice as to how to get to/survive until that stage.

If seeing MC's is a bad idea then I wont make a motion for it. I just saw a couple weeks in my head when I thought of that.

I appreciate you trying to protect me from pain, but I have a very high threshold for pain. I want my wife back, I want to try recovery. Earlier in a post someone said "The chances of your WW coming back are actually quite good." But they said the recovery is the hard part. I just want to get to that stage. I am trying to keep the divorce at bay until that stage.

I am sorry if it appears I am ignoring you. I really do appreciate you trying to protect me - I just want to focus on getting to recovery. Then attacking the recovery pains when I get there. Not assuming the pain will be to great in the future and ignoring the entire process ("cut your losses")

I committed to this woman, regardless of what she has done to me. If I don't wait it out until she "defogs" what kind of husband am I?


I would spend time reading and re-reading this site and all the articles. Educate yourself. Read through people's threads. While you quietly Plan A.

I don't get the sense that you understand that all waywards are alike and that your situation is no different than anyone else's.

It won't help your situation if you are in your own BH fog - not a bit. You would just be making a bad situation WORSE.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
Originally Posted By: NebDane
You can only Plan A at this point, but protecting yourself legally. With NO lovebusters, only deposits. You must be cool, calm, NO judgements ever. Find things to do together and invite her.
Make sure you SLEEP, EAT right, and EXERCISE as ways to cope with this TRAUMA.

Patience.
This will be the hardest thing you will ever attempt in your life, period. Repeat, this will be the hardest thing you will ever attempt in your life, and you may fail even if you are perfect and give 10,000%.
She won't defog if she is still in contact of any fashion. She is not at reconcile/recovery.

You are frankly stuck.


Originally Posted By: SugarCane

I'm not saying that you should actively pursue a divorce, but that you should not choose a course of action that will make things worse. You've got to be smarter than that.


Thank you. It is clear that MC is a bad idea. I will let the attorney know that I was not thinking clearly about it. I am meeting with my attorney tomorrow at 5:30pm maybe we can come up with other strategies to get to that 6-9mos time frame.

Until then I will Plan A. I think I definitely need to "lift" the restraining order and give myself the opportunity to talk to her if she ventures over. I cannot Plan A her if she is not only actively ignoring me, but also legally not allowed to be at the house.

My best Plan A activity is likely to arise around holiday season. I am going to ask Dr. Bill & Joyce in my call on Friday what to do while she is out of the house (aka between exposure and Plan A). Email her little things? IDK.

I think its clear that sending her the email today is my best gesture for Plan A, while also taking some stress off my back about the finances.

Thank you guys for those posts, they were more encouraging... I am sorry if I always sound like I am arguing...

Page 12 of 35 1 2 10 11 12 13 14 34 35

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (35yrsLater), 10 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,686
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5